Who is in the wrong here?

[whatsinaname2]

Can you please just read the following and let me know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

I have four children. DS4 is fathered by my new partner, after my divorce from the father of my other three children. This is DP's first baby.

Anyway. Our LO has never slept properly and I'm exhausted. This has been brought about by DPs insistence that he sleeps in the bed between us. I breastfeed him anywhere between 3 and 10 times a night and sleep on a tiny slither of bed. I can't put my arms in the bed sometimes because there's no room so I either dangle them over the side or sleep like I'm in a coffin with my arms across my chest. 😆 My back and neck is killing me and I'm sick of this situation now but making the best of it and DPs wishes.

Anyway, tonight I put baby to bed after he fell asleep in my arms BFing. He wakes as a lay him down in his cot (he only ever sleeps in there until we go to bed, then it's straight in between us) and starts to scream. I calm him, lay him down and leave. Ten minutes later I repeat.
I'm knackered to ask DP to go up after another 10 minutes had elapsed whilst I run down to the laundry room and sort some washing. Anyway...DP emerges with DS in his arms. He's 'worried he's scared'. I get that, but ffs! When will this nightmare end? What is DS learning if every time he kicks off during the night Mummy comes along with her tits and fixes it. I'm so fed up. AITA?

And I've done that. But wtf am I supposed to sleep and for how long? I want to sleep in my own bed and snuggle up next to DP. Please don't patronise me by telling me to start adulting or whatever. Just give me some solid advice on how to night wean at this stage or go away.

You tell him you've done it his way for 14 months, now its yours.

Accept you're probably going to have to do this by yourself til your child gets used to it.
Sit outside your sons room all night if you have to and tell your partner to fuck off to bed.

Or put a mattress on the floor in child's room and try that for a bit.
Whilst thinking all about his son and his needs, he's thinking nothing of you and yours. 💐

Eurgh it sounds exhausting

This is not your first rodeo so I expect you've seen these, but in case not...

www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

evolutionaryparenting.com/weaning-from-an-anxiety-perspective/

I really think you need to put your foot down here. Are you holding back because you don't want to be the 'expert parent' while it is his first time? Even if give baby were your first they are your boobs and you don't fit in the bed...!

Yes, I want to, given the situation. I BF the other three until they were 2 years of age but I wasn't tying myself in knots to do so.
I've tried giving DS cow's milk warmed up overnight but he just laughs in my face!

Have your partner take some time off work. Partner sleeps on blow up mattress in babies room. You sleep alone in your bed.

A baby of your sons age doesn’t actually need to drink any milk - my son is 12 months and we are weaning him off milk now. Bottles aren’t great for their teeth so I’d probably not introduce a bottle at your sons age, tbh.

Could you express then dp can do the nights. If he is inconvenienced he might be more willing to find a better solution

At 14 months? Yep! Absolutely this.

Your choices are - speak to your partner until he respects you or sleep elsewhere and prevent him dumping it all on you.

Nightweaning isn’t your sole issue. Stopping your partner from being a twat who doesn’t give a shit how broken you are is your main problem.

@CherLloydbyCherLloyd babies don't need milk at 12 months? What medical information are you basing that on? The WHO recommendation is to breastfeed until at least 2 years old.

Ok, night weaning

• make sure baby has plenty of food in the day. Does he have bottles?
• make sure he has plenty of playtime and cuddles in the day. Does he go to nursery?
• start a strict bed time routine of bath / bottle / story / bed.
• put baby in cot in his own room to settle.
• if he cries, wait 2 mins then resettle. Resettle without chatter or eye contact. Just a cuddle and back in cot.
• the 2 mins rule matters. It helps baby learn to settle himself
• repeat.

On the first few nights, it may take hours for him to settle. Nights 2 & 3 will be bad. But if you stick 100% to the routine, it will work. And then in a week, you will have your life back.

your dp is being abusive.

he does not get to dictate your decisions on such basic bodily functions as feeding your baby, and sleeping.

you are not being unreasonable. you need sleep. you need a place where you can sleep comfortably and you need your baby to learn to get through the night without your boobs. a tiny baby in the first few months can't, a 14mo definitely can!

Thank you for this. I don't recall having a struggle weaning the other 3 at night but then I am in my 40s now so it was a while ago. This is going to be my plan going forward, no ifs or buts from DP. As you say, I need my life back.

I don't know....although I've considered this and screamed at him a couple of times that he's being abusive. But I put that down to tiredness and stress.

He's always maintained that BFing is my choice and it's my body to do as I wish with. The problem is purely that he WILL NOT allow DS to cry, even for ten minutes, without cracking and giving him what he wants. He's a good Dad, I couldn't ask for better. He even wheels DS round the golf course three times a week so I can have a break then. If only there wasn't so much housework and laundry to do.

Cold hard advice? Tell partner you’re done with it.

The options:
Night wean, or
He sleeps with dc and brings him to you (sleeping in a separate room) if “needs” fed, or
He bottle feeds DC at night, with you in a seperate room. If DC is inconsolable then he comes through to you for a few mins before going back to bed with Daddy. Or
DP stays in a separate room and allows you to have enough space in the bed to sleep and to either fully or partially wean dc off night-time breastfeeding (10 times a night???)

Once DC can manage enough sleep that you can actually grab adequate rest, (breastfed 10 times a night???!!) then you can decide together if you want dc in his own room, or in a cot in your room, or in bed with you both.

It's only going to get worse. Get that sorted out now or Ul turn in to me and have a 3yr old in ur bed most of the night and then a 5yr old also squeezing in at times!

If he wants the baby in the bed then he has to deal with the baby. If the baby only wants mum (milk) then it's up to u not him. He's being ridiculous and pandering, it will only set in bad habits that are so hard to break.

He gets to fuck off playing golf three times a week so you can do the housework?

The WHO advice is worldwide advice and is because formula is unsafe in many parts of the world. It’s perfectly fine to wean a 14 month old baby.

It’s fine to wean off drinking milk at 12 months, yes. As long as they still receive their RDA of calcium from dietary sources, which they can get from milk in food, or other dairy sources (2-3 portions a day is sufficient at 12m+) - my son has milk in his cereal, cheese most days at lunch, yoghurt after dinner, and often there is dairy in his dinner too. He still gets a wee bottle of milk for bed but we are gradually transitioning this to water as he’s taking significantly more dairy than he needs.

What????? He works hard and I allow him a couple of hours of leisure time a few times each week. He takes the baby with him so what's the problem? He's the only man on the course wheeling a kid around, the rest leave theirs at home.

He also does ALL of the cooking, walks the dog for an hour every day, takes my three children to their hobbies and pays for them (that he encouraged them in to) and all of the school runs, both morning and afternoon. And has provided us all with travel and opportunities we'd never have had without him. He's good! Why does he have to be a bastard just because we don't agree on the cosleeping/crying thing?

But it doesn't change the fact that I need sleep.

Why does he have to be a bastard just because we don't agree on the cosleeping/crying thing?

Abusive men often outwardly seem to have lots of good points.

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method for good reason - it’s very effective.

I will never understand the dislike for Gina Ford. Though I'm pretty sure I got to know of her after reading about some sanity savers on here.

My Gina Ford baby is 9 years old now and to this day he just takes himself off to bed whatever the allocated time is and allows everyone a weekend lie-in. Bliss.

I seem to remember she has books on night-time weaning too.

😂 Okay mate.

Enjoy your chuckle.

im not the one being prevented from a decent sleep, deliberately, by my partner.

good luck

Hmmm weve 3 babies twins are 1 and boy almost 2 and they all sleep in there cots happily, no bottles etc. They Co slept when small because i couldnt get enough cuddles lol and from 3 months cots. Your gona make it hard to settle yours in a cot if you don't do it soon.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings Jesus Christ, you make some serious leaps, you must be a right lark to know in person.
Have you ever considered that good people also carry these traits? Not all good people are twats, and not all abusers are charismatic cunts. Thought of that?

Yes, this is what I'm scared of. And also nice to hear that other people do what is just plain normal without feeling like the worst mother that ever was. It's normal to put babies in their own bed at 6 months, right?! I've lost sight of what is normal and healthy I think. Thank you.