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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

82 replies

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 21:56

Can you please just read the following and let me know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

I have four children. DS4 is fathered by my new partner, after my divorce from the father of my other three children. This is DP's first baby.

Anyway. Our LO has never slept properly and I'm exhausted. This has been brought about by DPs insistence that he sleeps in the bed between us. I breastfeed him anywhere between 3 and 10 times a night and sleep on a tiny slither of bed. I can't put my arms in the bed sometimes because there's no room so I either dangle them over the side or sleep like I'm in a coffin with my arms across my chest. 😆 My back and neck is killing me and I'm sick of this situation now but making the best of it and DPs wishes.

Anyway, tonight I put baby to bed after he fell asleep in my arms BFing. He wakes as a lay him down in his cot (he only ever sleeps in there until we go to bed, then it's straight in between us) and starts to scream. I calm him, lay him down and leave. Ten minutes later I repeat.
I'm knackered to ask DP to go up after another 10 minutes had elapsed whilst I run down to the laundry room and sort some washing. Anyway...DP emerges with DS in his arms. He's 'worried he's scared'. I get that, but ffs! When will this nightmare end? What is DS learning if every time he kicks off during the night Mummy comes along with her tits and fixes it. I'm so fed up. AITA?

OP posts:
Redebs · 18/02/2023 12:47

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 21:56

Can you please just read the following and let me know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

I have four children. DS4 is fathered by my new partner, after my divorce from the father of my other three children. This is DP's first baby.

Anyway. Our LO has never slept properly and I'm exhausted. This has been brought about by DPs insistence that he sleeps in the bed between us. I breastfeed him anywhere between 3 and 10 times a night and sleep on a tiny slither of bed. I can't put my arms in the bed sometimes because there's no room so I either dangle them over the side or sleep like I'm in a coffin with my arms across my chest. 😆 My back and neck is killing me and I'm sick of this situation now but making the best of it and DPs wishes.

Anyway, tonight I put baby to bed after he fell asleep in my arms BFing. He wakes as a lay him down in his cot (he only ever sleeps in there until we go to bed, then it's straight in between us) and starts to scream. I calm him, lay him down and leave. Ten minutes later I repeat.
I'm knackered to ask DP to go up after another 10 minutes had elapsed whilst I run down to the laundry room and sort some washing. Anyway...DP emerges with DS in his arms. He's 'worried he's scared'. I get that, but ffs! When will this nightmare end? What is DS learning if every time he kicks off during the night Mummy comes along with her tits and fixes it. I'm so fed up. AITA?

I think you need more space in the bed to safely cosleep.
I suggest your partner get a mattress on the floor nearby, so he can be close at hand to settle baby after you have breastfed.
Also, some babies startle themselves awake and will settle by being rocked by someone who doesn't smell of breastmilk. Get him to pick up and soothe baby for a moment to see if that's all it needs. He can then pass baby to you if milk is needed. It will help your back not to be reaching to pick up baby half asleep.
Make sure he's changing baby if needs be during the night.
You will need a nap during the daytime, so partner can take charge of him and the other children while you get your head down for a bit.

Baby won't 'learn' to expect milk every time he calls for it. That's just instinct and it's normal and healthy to soothe with breast.

Christmaspyjamas · 18/02/2023 12:47

You need to tell your DP he's an idiot.

He's a man, it's his first baby. He literally doesn't know as much as you about this and so his opinion is less valid.

Can you co-opt his mum or sister or anyone else to have a word too?

Waterfallgirl · 18/02/2023 12:56

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 23:07

I don't know....although I've considered this and screamed at him a couple of times that he's being abusive. But I put that down to tiredness and stress.

He's always maintained that BFing is my choice and it's my body to do as I wish with. The problem is purely that he WILL NOT allow DS to cry, even for ten minutes, without cracking and giving him what he wants. He's a good Dad, I couldn't ask for better. He even wheels DS round the golf course three times a week so I can have a break then. If only there wasn't so much housework and laundry to do.

Show quote history

How about YOU go and take a walk around the golf course and leave him to do the housework.
I get he’s a first time dad but FFS he hadn’t got a clue about how to support his partner has he?

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 18/02/2023 15:03

Just had another thought. A friend of mine had her young son in with them and he had a cold and a bit of a temperature. He got so hot being in between two adults under a duvet that his temperature spiked and he had a fit. He ended up in A&E. Probably a bit of a one off but something to be aware of if your child sleeps in bed with too. Apparently the paediatric doctor they saw discourages cosleeping.

gamerchick · 18/02/2023 15:13

I don't think your bloke is a dick OP. Nor his he abusive. He's just a bit clueless.

The overnights sound promising, mine were like that when I wasn't in the bed.

So this is what I would suggest to your bloke. Co sleeping is fine but not work both of you in the bed. So either he sleeps elsewhere or you do. Personally I'd say you do as this might crack the sleeping issue. Put fresh bedding on so there's no milk spills and leave them too it.

Your blok needs to compromise on this. Soft bigger that he is. He sounds mint.

Flowersintheattic57 · 18/02/2023 17:03

Do not night feed him ever again once he returns. Boobies are asleep! Make sure you are covered up enough that he can’t get to them either.
Sit your partner down and state that the baby needs to learn to sleep for his development and good health and daddy crashing around bellowing is depriving pfb of much needed sleep. In fact what wonderful daddy is doing is cruel.
Seriously, I would suggest you sleep in with the girls until the baby stops waking up for feeds. He doesn’t need it at all.

Englishash · 18/02/2023 20:10

This child is old enough not to need night feeds! He's nearly a toddler ! Do not feed him in the night. Put him in his own bed and persevere. It won't hurt him to cry a bit til he gets the message and settles to sleep. Break that rod now that you ( well your partner) have made for your back or you'll never break it. No night feeds! Own bed. Be firm!

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