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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here?

82 replies

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 21:56

Can you please just read the following and let me know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

I have four children. DS4 is fathered by my new partner, after my divorce from the father of my other three children. This is DP's first baby.

Anyway. Our LO has never slept properly and I'm exhausted. This has been brought about by DPs insistence that he sleeps in the bed between us. I breastfeed him anywhere between 3 and 10 times a night and sleep on a tiny slither of bed. I can't put my arms in the bed sometimes because there's no room so I either dangle them over the side or sleep like I'm in a coffin with my arms across my chest. 😆 My back and neck is killing me and I'm sick of this situation now but making the best of it and DPs wishes.

Anyway, tonight I put baby to bed after he fell asleep in my arms BFing. He wakes as a lay him down in his cot (he only ever sleeps in there until we go to bed, then it's straight in between us) and starts to scream. I calm him, lay him down and leave. Ten minutes later I repeat.
I'm knackered to ask DP to go up after another 10 minutes had elapsed whilst I run down to the laundry room and sort some washing. Anyway...DP emerges with DS in his arms. He's 'worried he's scared'. I get that, but ffs! When will this nightmare end? What is DS learning if every time he kicks off during the night Mummy comes along with her tits and fixes it. I'm so fed up. AITA?

OP posts:
MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/02/2023 00:03

Ah my apologies, I misunderstood. You made it sound like you didn’t get a break at all because you were still stuck with the housework.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 17/02/2023 00:04

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 23:58

@YetMoreNewBeginnings Jesus Christ, you make some serious leaps, you must be a right lark to know in person.
Have you ever considered that good people also carry these traits? Not all good people are twats, and not all abusers are charismatic cunts. Thought of that?

Oh God, I'm so tired. I meant that not all good people aren't closet twats. 🙈
I don't even know why I'm debating this when I could be grabbing five minutes of sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 17/02/2023 00:09

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/02/2023 00:03

Ah my apologies, I misunderstood. You made it sound like you didn’t get a break at all because you were still stuck with the housework.

Thank you. I don't get a break at all...life is busy with four kids under 13. But he does pull his weight, there's no denying that. He gets his leisure time and offers me time off too, but I don't take it. I don't want to, I'd rather be in my happy place which is my home. I'll be back at work soon so I'm just enjoying every moment until.

OP posts:
CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 17/02/2023 00:11

whatsinaname2 · 17/02/2023 00:09

Thank you. I don't get a break at all...life is busy with four kids under 13. But he does pull his weight, there's no denying that. He gets his leisure time and offers me time off too, but I don't take it. I don't want to, I'd rather be in my happy place which is my home. I'll be back at work soon so I'm just enjoying every moment until.

Show quote history

Can’t you get a break at home though? You don’t have to leave the house. Go for a long bath. Or go upstairs for a nap (in the bed alone!)

FictionalCharacter · 17/02/2023 00:12

How does “D”P get to insist that your child sleeps in between you? Why don’t you get to do the insisting, and decide that LO sleeps in his cot?

Fizzadora · 17/02/2023 00:13

If you get nowhere with all the very helpful (and not so helpful) suggestions above, what you need is a superking sized bed.
DP and child are to share one half and you have the other. They are not to encroach on your half under any circumstances.😁😁

EmmaDilemma5 · 17/02/2023 00:15

14 month olds can still suffocate. There's no way I'd have a 14 month old in between two tired adults with lots of adult bedding around. It's a recipe for disaster.

Cot next to bed if you want to sleep in the same room still.

It's also crazy you're sleeping with no room for your arms, just to keep your partner happy. FGS, tell him it's not working and find a solution, you don't have to do things his way.

NaatQ968 · 17/02/2023 00:16

Lemonspy · 16/02/2023 22:17

14 months! This is madness! Absolutely this is not working for you and things need to change, it’s not about what works for him if you’re the one suffering all the consequences!

I agree I thought you were talking about a newborn, it is absolute madness!!!

SeasonFinale · 17/02/2023 04:29

You say you don't want to sleep elsewhere because you want to snuggle up to DP. However you can't snuggle up to DP with the toddler in between you. You say you are off to a different bed or the toddler goes into his own bed. If DP wants to snuggle up to you he will sort this or at least want to

OliviaEmmaSmith · 17/02/2023 06:14

What I did with my three, was once I was ready to stop, I slept elsewhere (at my mum's) for a couple of nights. I put them to bed and then went off, and came back at 7am, but then if they woke baby didn't expect milk because I wasn't there and they couldn't smell me, partner offered a bottle but baby didn't really want it. Mine were a similar age to yours by then. The added bonus being that you get a couple of nights of unbroken sleep and your partner has to step up and deal with the situation because you're not around as the fallback option.

PuttingDownRoots · 17/02/2023 06:36

I collect and fed overnight until DD2 was 2.5. This partly worked as we have a superkingsized bed so plenty of room. (I was also too exhausted to night wean!)

Your partner, for everyone's sakes, needs to find a way to soothe baby himself. Doesn't mean completely giving up bfing, because that's about comfort and nutrition. Dummy, water, cuddles, singing... how would he do it if you were ill for example?

20viona · 17/02/2023 06:42

This is outrageous and no way to live

ichundich · 17/02/2023 06:48

whatsinaname2 · 16/02/2023 21:56

Can you please just read the following and let me know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

I have four children. DS4 is fathered by my new partner, after my divorce from the father of my other three children. This is DP's first baby.

Anyway. Our LO has never slept properly and I'm exhausted. This has been brought about by DPs insistence that he sleeps in the bed between us. I breastfeed him anywhere between 3 and 10 times a night and sleep on a tiny slither of bed. I can't put my arms in the bed sometimes because there's no room so I either dangle them over the side or sleep like I'm in a coffin with my arms across my chest. 😆 My back and neck is killing me and I'm sick of this situation now but making the best of it and DPs wishes.

Anyway, tonight I put baby to bed after he fell asleep in my arms BFing. He wakes as a lay him down in his cot (he only ever sleeps in there until we go to bed, then it's straight in between us) and starts to scream. I calm him, lay him down and leave. Ten minutes later I repeat.
I'm knackered to ask DP to go up after another 10 minutes had elapsed whilst I run down to the laundry room and sort some washing. Anyway...DP emerges with DS in his arms. He's 'worried he's scared'. I get that, but ffs! When will this nightmare end? What is DS learning if every time he kicks off during the night Mummy comes along with her tits and fixes it. I'm so fed up. AITA?

How old is your baby? There is an increased risk of SIDS for babies sleeping in bed with their fathers because they're not as attuned to their sleep / waking cycles as the breastfeeding mothers. My husband camped on the sofa while our baby slept in bed with me. With your baby sleeping between you there is a risk of them getting squished / suffocating while you're both asleep.

ichundich · 17/02/2023 07:00

ichundich · 17/02/2023 06:48

How old is your baby? There is an increased risk of SIDS for babies sleeping in bed with their fathers because they're not as attuned to their sleep / waking cycles as the breastfeeding mothers. My husband camped on the sofa while our baby slept in bed with me. With your baby sleeping between you there is a risk of them getting squished / suffocating while you're both asleep.

Show quote history

Sorry, just read that he's already 14 months old, so please ignore.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 17/02/2023 07:55

Thank you everyone for the helpful replies. Another night sleeping on a crack of bed in a contorted position trying to keep my nipple in DS's mouth. 🥹 My back is wrecked and my eyeballs feel like they're going to fall out of my head.
I'm going to suggest that I sleep on our very comfy sofa for a few nights until DS gets used to me not being around for night BFs.
Then his cot is going in to his own room and we'll go from there. I can't continue with this crap. Last night before I went up to bed I was in tears and gave DP a really hard time. I'll snap and murder him if I don't get some decent kip soon.

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 17/02/2023 08:21

Best of luck OP!

Can you go and sleep at a friend's/relative/anywhere but there? Even for one night, ideally for more....
As I feel your "D"P will sabotage all efforts otherwise...

Adrelaxzz · 17/02/2023 08:27

I would go and sleep somewhere else for a week. (If DH makes him a bottle tell him it will be his responsibility forever more.) Then you come back in the morning for a morning feed. I would also consider stopping bfing altogether.

bozzabollix · 17/02/2023 08:35

I don’t know how you’ve done this for so long without literally cracking up. It sounds like torture.

Agree with the others about you staying away for a night. It’s all well and good your partner insisting on a routine that prioritises your child’s wants over your well-being, but he’s not actually suffering the effects. If he deals with this for a night he might just get it.

Stay strong in affecting this change as I guess you’ll meet resistance, remind him that actually it’s unrealistic for children to get everything their hearts desire, the world just does not work like that. Everyone’s needs require balancing including your very basic need for sleep. It’s too much for you.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 17/02/2023 21:22

Hi everyone.
I'm in heaven right now. I've got my favourite film on and a glass of wine and I'm in my pyjamas. DP has taken himself, the baby and my son off for a long weekend to visit family. It's just me and the girls here and they are no trouble at all. Pizza is on its way and I'm looking forward to having the bed to myself all weekend, long lie-ins and no boob feeding to worry about. In fact I best dig out that breast pump and get it charging!

OP posts:
Firsttimemum120 · 17/02/2023 21:37

Hi lovely,

I have a 14 month old and never got to even try breast feed as my milk never came! Have you ever considered weaning off you? So you get a break your body gets a break. I put my daughter to bed every night and she lasts anything between 2 hours to 5 hours. When she would wake up my partner would leave the bedroom and go and sleep in his sons room and then our daughter would get into the bed with me.

I recently stayed away from ny partner for a few weeks and in that time i established more distance between me and her at bedtime and it carried on when we moved back in. This week we have had 2 full nights of unbroken sleep and it’s been quite refreshing.

i stick to the same routine everyday and every evening dinner bath a little wind down cuddle and story time and then bed and I never go in to her until she is crying properly.

i would honestly tell your partner your tired and your not comfortable and ultimately you need to be at your best. I feel so free when my baby isn’t in my bed and it makes me sleep better. I do love the cuddles but I also love having my partner to myself

Firsttimemum120 · 17/02/2023 21:39

You deserve this @whatsinaname2 ❤️❤️ Enjoy but please do something about it when they return you’ve got to put yourself first somewhere! And sleep is so important.

TheShellBeach · 17/02/2023 22:00

At fourteen months the baby should be sleeping in his own cot and sleeping through the night, too.
The baby needs his own room. Get the Ferber sleep training book. It's ridiculous that the baby is being fed ten times a night. Also that you're not getting any sleep yourself.

Englishash · 17/02/2023 22:58

I think you know what to do if you think about it unemotionally. You've done this before. Tell your partner that tomorrow night the baby is going in his own bed. Do the check when he cries thing, but not immediately. Don't speak, don't turn the light on, just leave. You know it'll take a while but that child has you run ragged and his daddy doesn't know any better. What you're doing now is untenable. Your partner needs to appreciate what it's taking out of you and doing to the family. The world doesn't revolve around this one child, he needs to understand that. Be consistent and eventually your little one will get the message that the walking milk-bar closes at night. He doesn't need night feeds and you need to sleep. You must be absolutely drained and every muscle must be aching. Time for tough love all round. Good luck with both of them.

Original poster
whatsinaname2 · 18/02/2023 12:12

Ahhhhh, I awoke at 11.30am after 13 hours in bed. I feel amazing! My back still hurts really badly, but otherwise I'm feeling great. Just had a call from DP who said that DS woke up three times overnight, looked around, cried for about ten minutes and then went back to sleep each time. I don't know if I feel happy that it's now proven DS doesn't need feeding overnight, or if I feel disappointed that DP got off so lightly.

Anyway, thinking about PPs saying 'no talking' etc when DS is in bed. I can't get DP to understand this at all for some reason. He's been known to come along when DS is crying in his cot at bedtime and I'm in there briefly to calm him before leaving, and dangle DS upside down by his ankles. I was like wtf are you doing, you idiot?! He also talks at normal volume whilst I'm trying to get DS to sleep, puts lights on etc, clatters around. I've told him a million times that none of this is conducive to sleep for DS. For an intelligent man sometimes he can be really thick.

OP posts:
FeinCuroxiVooz · 18/02/2023 12:37

wow! well done!