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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to attend an antenatal breastfeeding session with DH

122 replies

WindUpPenguin · 16/02/2023 12:46

As above really. It's run by the hospital. The text of the event says "Your partner can attend. Make sure to book 2 tickets if your partner is attending."

Without thinking much about it, I booked two tickets. I figured we can ask questions about pumping and bottle feeding and it's best if there are two of us to listen and take notes. Plus DH can obviously support me. He is very happy to attend.

I was talking to my friend about it and she pulled a face when I mentioned DH attending. She said it might make other women uncomfortable and he will be the only man there. I don't think this is true, because it clearly says partners can attend, but I'm worrying that it's not the 'done thing'. What do people think? I think if it was postnatal, people might want to actually be physically supported with their feeding, so I understand why it could be uncomfortable for some women, but I am assuming no-one will be getting their boobs out at an antenatal session.

It's also a pain now, as the booking system means I can't cancel just one ticket, so I would have to cancel both and re-book if he is not coming.

OP posts:
MrsFionaCharming · 16/02/2023 16:34

@Kranke that’s interesting that yours did. My NCT course really pushed breastfeeding and when one woman asked about combi feeding the instructor said she wasn’t allowed to talk about formula. I’d assumed there was a set curriculum for NCT and they all covered the same stuff.

Derbee · 16/02/2023 16:49

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 14:27

Good for you. The vast majority of women, as shown on this thread, do not want strange men there when they are postnatal and learning to breastfeed.

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Well your opinion on that is irrelevant, as OP is talking about an antenatal session anyway

ACynicalDad · 16/02/2023 16:55

I met a very close dad friend at breastfeeding clinic, kids are nearly 10 and we still have boys days out with us and the kids.

handmademitlove · 16/02/2023 17:00

I used to provide breastfeeding support and I would say that partners understanding breastfeeding is essential to making it easier. I used to ask partners to understand what a good latch looked like so they could support new mums better. If partners understand what works well and what the challenges are they can support more effectively. They can also advocate for new mums against well meaning relatives who may not understand breastfeeding and so give poor advice. It is hard as a new mum to stand up for yourself when you are exhausted so having someone else on the same page really helps.

Starcircle · 16/02/2023 17:08

HerbalTeaAndCake · 16/02/2023 15:15

It's before they've had the baby!!!

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You could just RTFT before you pounce 🙄

lpbarton · 16/02/2023 17:13

WOW what a response from your friend. Breastfeeding is totally natural and even if there are mums there feeding I strongly doubt they'll just sit there with it all at! Presumably most partners also wouldnt gawp! Take him! He needs to learn how he can support you and change the narrow mind set of some people!

Mommawasafarmgirl · 16/02/2023 17:14

Mumberblock · 16/02/2023 15:58

It’s absolutely great for partners to attend. I ran peer support breastfeeding groups pre pandemic and it was always good for partners to come to those too. We would try and be sensitive if someone wanted privacy or to maybe head to a quiet corner, but men, partners, grandmothers, best friends etc coming and not only able to ask questions but see other people having similar questions, getting help, normalising breastfeeding, the fact it’s something that has challenges but that can often be overcome is so helpful. Those that did come with partners would often go on to have really successful journeys, I’m sure it helped that their partners could say “remember what that other mum said in the group, they tried x,y,z” or just for them to know that just because breastfeeding wasn’t starting smoothly didn’t mean there was a big problem, or that it couldn’t be fixed. So often it wasn’t just peer supporters that provided the value to those sessions but other parents who were a bit further along, or who had other children who could share their experiences and support. Quite frankly need as many people on board as possible!

Sounds good when you put it like that😊
Were you worried at all that some women might turn and run when they saw the mixed crowd (as a pp said she would) or that they'd stop attending the sessions as they felt a bit exposed and uncomfortable? Or was it not an issue in your experience?
It just seems like many on here today - including me - are saying they wouldn't like to see men at a postnatal breastfeeding group.

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 16/02/2023 17:19

My husband attended both along with other dads and I care. I was more focused on learning how to feed my baby instead of watching around the room. You invite him to any you want OP. My husband was absolutely fantastic and I wouldn't have got through any of it without him.

WonderingWanda · 16/02/2023 17:20

Yes I think so, in fact it was encouraged that partners attend the antenatal courses when I was pregnant. He needs to know how to support you.

Lights22 · 16/02/2023 17:37

My DH was essential to a successful breastfeeding experience for both my children.

Partners absolutely need to be there and have the information so they can support you too. These sessions are designed for partners too, for a reason. BF is demanding and tricky to get the nack of to start with. Yes it's your boobs, but it's a joint upbringing.

Whenever I've been to a breastfeeding counsellor postnatally or had any questions about BF my DH has always been welcome. Man, he even photographed me trying different nursing positions once so we knew what to try when we got home.

Definitely take him. He will not be the only one.

Kranke · 16/02/2023 17:42

MrsFionaCharming · 16/02/2023 16:34

@Kranke that’s interesting that yours did. My NCT course really pushed breastfeeding and when one woman asked about combi feeding the instructor said she wasn’t allowed to talk about formula. I’d assumed there was a set curriculum for NCT and they all covered the same stuff.

That’s so bad!! We’re in London, not sure where you are. I thought the whole point was preparing you to care for a baby, lots of women ff, I didn’t know it was so taboo in the NCT (ignorantly I think I thought NCT was NHS affiliated)!! I might write a strongly worded letter!!

anastaisia · 16/02/2023 17:43

Believeinmarmite · 16/02/2023 14:50

We welcome men coming to these in our trust. Just be aware they are unlikely to cover anything on bottle feeding, unicef guidelines mean we are not allowed to teach this at the moment, even though we would like to, we can answer questions on it though 😉

As someone who has just stopped running antenatal feeding sessions - this is completely untrue.

Baby Friendly standards don’t let you demonstrate making up bottles to groups or recommend specific brands of formula. They do let you discuss all of the following things:

  • how to do paced bottle feeding
  • how to clean and sterilise bottles
  • how to protect milk supply if using bottles part of the time
  • how to express and store Breast milk
  • how/why of making up formula safely

The much bigger issue is that just looking at establishing breastfeeding is a big topic on its own, and fitting in that along with then ALSO discussing all the possible ways that families might want to use expressed milk or formula is impossible when sessions might last for just an hour or two.

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 17:55

Lights22 · 16/02/2023 17:37

My DH was essential to a successful breastfeeding experience for both my children.

Partners absolutely need to be there and have the information so they can support you too. These sessions are designed for partners too, for a reason. BF is demanding and tricky to get the nack of to start with. Yes it's your boobs, but it's a joint upbringing.

Whenever I've been to a breastfeeding counsellor postnatally or had any questions about BF my DH has always been welcome. Man, he even photographed me trying different nursing positions once so we knew what to try when we got home.

Definitely take him. He will not be the only one.

You took a man to a postnatal breastfeeding support group and he took photos there?

Fucking hell.

Sirzy · 16/02/2023 18:06

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 17:55

You took a man to a postnatal breastfeeding support group and he took photos there?

Fucking hell.

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As long as it was only photos of his partner with her consent why is that an issue?

bakewellbride · 16/02/2023 18:07

My dh accompanied me to a similar class when we were expecting baby number 1 and his support has been invaluable! Definitely bring dh, you're doing the right thing.

Sugargliderwombat · 16/02/2023 18:11

Nope most partners came to the one I went to.

JMSA · 16/02/2023 18:12

I remember asking my ex-husband to please remind me to drink water while breastfeeding. I was so caught up in everything and everyone else, so sometimes just forgot. 21 years later and I've never forgotten his reply: "you're a grown adult, so I won't be doing that". Confused
The more men who can be educated on how best to look after their breastfeeding partners, the better!

NotThatoneagain · 16/02/2023 18:14

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 16/02/2023 12:51

Partners SHOULD attend BFing classes. They need to understand how they can support you when breastfeeding. BFing isn’t an easy undertaking and you’re best off both being at the session. Ignore your friend.

This.

It’s an antenatal advice session it’s not like it’s a postnatal bf support group where anyone will actually have their breasts out. Totally fine for your partner to go OP

Lights22 · 16/02/2023 18:14

BFCs usually see you 1:1. We never went to postnatal BF groups. It was all 1:1 and he was actively encouraged to take photos

Sugargliderwombat · 16/02/2023 18:15

Sirzy · 16/02/2023 18:06

As long as it was only photos of his partner with her consent why is that an issue?

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Because really nervous, stressed, vulnerable women who have been through the trauma of birth and then are struggling to feed their babies attend these for support. They don't need that extra element of some bloke there with his phone out.

Random102 · 16/02/2023 18:15

Antenatal where it’s passing on information = fine

Postnatal where women might need to discuss personal issues and have practical support = not fine.

RobinGood · 16/02/2023 18:16

I think it’s a good idea for an antenatal class. They’ll tell you shite all about pumping or bottles though.

Lights22 · 16/02/2023 18:16

HoboHotel · 16/02/2023 17:55

You took a man to a postnatal breastfeeding support group and he took photos there?

Fucking hell.

Show quote history

BFCs usually see you 1:1. We never went to postnatal BF groups. It was all 1:1 and he was actively encouraged to take photos

bakewellbride · 16/02/2023 18:17

@Sugargliderwombat it's an antenatal class.

booboo82 · 16/02/2023 18:22

Men are pushed out pretty much as soon as the women becomes pregnant , not welcome to stay after the birth , not welcome to baby classes ect everything is about the woman so it's no wonder why men check out of marriage is it. They are literally just sperm donors then discarded lol , no sex , no affection just expected to work and pay for everything while being invisible so anyway yes I would take my husband to all baby related classes appts!