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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you contact a 94 year old?

82 replies

Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 11:10

My dad and his side of the family had a massive row and stopped speaking to each other when I was 8 years old.

Im now in my 30s and have found out that my grandmother is still alive and she is 94. I have had no contact with her since I was 8. I’ve asked my family to put it right and make contact as I feel she will die soon - but they won’t. They’ve said I can if I want but they don’t think it’s a good idea.

It feels weird to me that i have a 94 year old grandmother still out there. I presumed she would be dead. I know the fall out was not my fault and I also know she chose to stop having contact with me, even though I had nothing to do with the row.

What would you do? Make contact or leave well alone? She’s never tried to make contact with me - so she must not love me or want to get to know me, right?

OP posts:
Wrappedupina5poundnote · 16/02/2023 11:13

One potential issue OP, is dementia.
Unfortunately, almost everyone who lives into their later 80s and 90s develops some level of it, and depending on the severity, it could be a very confusing or upsetting interaction for the elderly person. Or it could be fine for them, but upsetting for you, if your grandma can’t remember who you say you are from one minute to the next.

Original poster
Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 11:14

My parents also said that to be fair. They said if she had dementia it would be upsetting for her and me. I just hate carrying on the fall out.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 16/02/2023 11:16

Try a letter you never know all I can say is my nan lost a grandchild due to the mother moving away and her son not keeping in touch she never stopped looking never stopped wanting to see her grandchild

If its a no you have lost nothing but a stamp

Original poster
Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 11:17

Sounds a sensible option @Theunamedcat rather than knocking on the door and upsetting everybody.

OP posts:
ImagineImagine · 16/02/2023 11:26

This happened to me. Although i was a teenager when we became estranged. Like you it was not my fault and she made no effort to contact me. But, I decided to visit her in the last months of her life and took along my baby son. It was fine, no great gushing love, just fine. After she passed away and in the years since I’ve felt glad I did it as I feel I did the right thing, and have no regret now she’s gone. I think if you go with an open mind and not hoping for an emotional reunion it could be the right thing to do. Good luck!

REP22 · 16/02/2023 11:27

There's good advice here, but I just wanted to add something that I am sure you have already considered, but just in case... It might be that your grandmother is still lucid and able to respond to your contact - but it must have been something significant for your dad to have cut contact so drastically. You might need to be prepared for her to say some unkind and hurtful things about your dad - things that can't be unlearned once heard. She may have abused him terribly, or enabled/ignored it from another family member. Hopefully not, but please do keep this in mind if she responds to you.

Best wishes to you; I hope that all goes well. x

Astrabees · 16/02/2023 11:33

Most people have Dementia in their 80’s and 90’s ????? What an ageist comment. One third of those over 85 have dementia, and many of those will be capable of making decisions about every day life, maybe with some support.

Original poster
Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 11:35

Thank you all for your advice. There was no abuse as my parents have told me many different things that happened over the years to lead to the fallout. It was over many many childish and petty things. Things like him not going up to see them as much as they wanted, them not telling him when family events were on, them not offering to babysit me and my brother, but they’d babysit for my cousins etc. The truth is them and my dad never got on. They never saw eye to eye on things. It was my dad who told them that he wanted to cut contact and so they did. That was the last telephone call ever made.

I think it’s wise to lower my expectations just like you said @ImagineImagine. There won’t be tears and gushing of love most likely. But I don’t want to be dragged into behaving a certain way and carrying on a fallout that wasn’t my fault.

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 16/02/2023 11:39

Astrabees · 16/02/2023 11:33

Most people have Dementia in their 80’s and 90’s ????? What an ageist comment. One third of those over 85 have dementia, and many of those will be capable of making decisions about every day life, maybe with some support.

I came here to say exactly this!

Lindy2 · 16/02/2023 11:41

You'll never know if you don't contact her.

I'd suggest set your expectations low. If you go into this fully prepared that she may not reply, may not want to see you, may be too unwell etc then anything else us a bonus.

Until you try though you won't know and obviously time may be limited. Whatever the outcome, if you do make contact, then you'll know you tried.

Theluggage15 · 16/02/2023 11:43

Wrappedupina5poundnote · 16/02/2023 11:13

One potential issue OP, is dementia.
Unfortunately, almost everyone who lives into their later 80s and 90s develops some level of it, and depending on the severity, it could be a very confusing or upsetting interaction for the elderly person. Or it could be fine for them, but upsetting for you, if your grandma can’t remember who you say you are from one minute to the next.

What utter nonsense. Educate yourself.

SuperSonicMonic · 16/02/2023 11:45

What would you do? Make contact or leave well alone? She’s never tried to make contact with me - so she must not love me or want to get to know me, right?

In mass fall outs as such I would imagine that your GM hasn’t bothered as she probably thinks that your family won’t allow you to reply. You were only 8 at the time, & although much time had passed, GM’s may think it’s too late now. Plus your GM could well have dementia, but I get the feeling that your family just don’t want you to contact her. Do you know why they don’t speak? Perhaps if you knew it could help you decide on what to do.

SuperSonicMonic · 16/02/2023 11:46

Sorry OP, I missed that post as I had to take a phone call.

Hidingawaytoday · 16/02/2023 11:47

It's difficult, but you mentioned they babysat your cousins so I wonder if - rather than going straight to your grandmother - could you contact your dad's siblings/your cousins first to see if it would be welcome?

ShellsPebbles · 16/02/2023 11:51

In your shoes I would worry about opening a can of worms.
How do your parents feel about you making contact with her? Do you have a good relationship with them?
It could be a big shock for your Grandmother at her age too. That could turn out to be a good or bad thing.
She hasn’t played any part in your life so will likely feel like a stranger. I personally wouldn’t contact her.

pattihews · 16/02/2023 11:52

I'd get in touch and find out. Otherwise you'll always wonder. Keep your expectations low but have a bit of an adventure finding out. Good luck.

TurtleTriplets · 16/02/2023 11:58

I would be worried about being seen as looking for an inheritance or something with her being so elderly.

I think a PP had a good idea about approaching an Aunt or Uncle on that side and seeing what her health is like as a first port of call.

If she is well, then take it from there.

Original poster
Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 11:59

My family have said they don’t mind me contacting her but I know they would prefer if I didn’t @ShellsPebbles.

I don’t want to hurt anybody. My family or this 94 year old lady. I don’t want to cause upset. I just didn’t want to be part of the fallout. I didn’t want to participate in it.

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 16/02/2023 11:59

Might go well or not, but I would contact her. You might regret it when you don't and she's gone. Btw. my husband didn't realise until last week his grandpa has a son from first marriage. So he has an uncle and cousins he didn't know they existed. Life is wicked sometimes, isn't it. Good luck to you.

TeaAndTattoos · 16/02/2023 11:59

Wrappedupina5poundnote · 16/02/2023 11:13

One potential issue OP, is dementia.
Unfortunately, almost everyone who lives into their later 80s and 90s develops some level of it, and depending on the severity, it could be a very confusing or upsetting interaction for the elderly person. Or it could be fine for them, but upsetting for you, if your grandma can’t remember who you say you are from one minute to the next.

That’s the biggest load of bollocks I have ever heard. Not everyone in their 80’s has dementia. I worked as a care assistant looking after people with end stage dementia yes the biggest majority of them were in their 80’s and 90’s but there was also quite a few of them that were in their 60’s. Dementia doesn’t have an age limit. Educate yourself before you start spouting crap.

MuckyPlucky · 16/02/2023 12:01

I’d contact her, but would advise against a letter. She may well have signt difficulties or difficulty with writing back due to dexterity, sight or cognition. You’d then be in the position of not knowing whether to follow it up or if you’d been intentionally snubbed.
I’d do it face to face.

Original poster
Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 12:02

See I wanted to say to them that I’m not interested in any money/inheritance @TurtleTriplets . I live over seas so very far away from them.

I don’t know. It all seems so complicated and some people on here are raising the same points as my family made. I didn’t even think about being seen as a money grabber or whether her mind would be ok. I just wanted to do the right thing. Life is so short and the arguments so petty. I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
TurtleTriplets · 16/02/2023 12:04

Just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that was your motivation, just that people could see it that way.

There is a lot to consider isn't there!

Original poster
Showmethefood · 16/02/2023 12:06

@TurtleTriplets i know you weren’t, don’t worry :). It’s only the same as my family said. It’s a genuine point that they could think - so it’s best that I’m briefed about it.

OP posts:
Xol · 16/02/2023 12:07

The fact that she hasn't tried to get in touch with you would weigh quite heavily with me.

My nephew has two step children who never see their paternal grandparents because when their mother and father were together the grandparents fell out with their mother in a big way and cut themselves off completely, and carried on with that after the parents separated. The stepchildren are delightful and my sister and her husband have become step-grandparents and very much enjoy the relationship. I find it very difficult to condone anyone who cuts themselves off from children like that just because they've fallen out with their mother, and as things have turned out it's very much the estranged grandparents' loss. No-one would stop the stepchildren making contact later in life if they want to, but I suspect they would struggle to get past their grandparents' total lack of interest in them currently.