Would you contact a 94 year old?

[Showmethefood]

My dad and his side of the family had a massive row and stopped speaking to each other when I was 8 years old.

Im now in my 30s and have found out that my grandmother is still alive and she is 94. I have had no contact with her since I was 8. I’ve asked my family to put it right and make contact as I feel she will die soon - but they won’t. They’ve said I can if I want but they don’t think it’s a good idea.

It feels weird to me that i have a 94 year old grandmother still out there. I presumed she would be dead. I know the fall out was not my fault and I also know she chose to stop having contact with me, even though I had nothing to do with the row.

What would you do? Make contact or leave well alone? She’s never tried to make contact with me - so she must not love me or want to get to know me, right?

I understand you wanting to make peace with her. I think it is reasonable to contact her and say you would like to meet her, even if only once. You know it has been a long time and you understand if she would rather not.

Just to add be prepared that if you do meet she might be lovely, or she might have a go at you rehearsing old family grievances. Just be realistic about what may happen.

Most people have Dementia in their 80’s and 90’s
Most? Is there data to support this? Most of the 80s and 90s people I have known, apart from one or two, have been completely with it until the end. We've just had lunch with a 99 year old friend, who is still very much sharp of mind.

Do you trust your parents’ judgement? Because I wonder how much you have thought about the damage you might cause your relationship with them. Cutting contact is a very big deal with a lot of pain involved.

As we got older my parents always said we could make contact if we wanted. I always presumed she was dead through my twenties but we’ve recently found out she’s alive. I am aware and do not want to hurt people. This is why I am asking for peoples advice and opinions and not rushing into anything. I don’t want to hurt people.

I think there's no harm in writing a gentle letter to your aunt or grandma to test the waters. The worst thing they can say is no, get lost. So prep yourself for that eventuality. But they could also say yes, and realise that you had no part in the fall out. As long as you're prepared for either eventuality then I would do it. It would be worse to find out after she's passed that she would have liked to have made contact but was maybe scared to do so due to not wanting to upset your parents. You are an adult now, but you were only a child at the time who had no say in what happened and were deprived of a grandmother in the process. I would write that letter, good luck.

It's not very kind to your dad to do this. Nc isn't usually petty. You will hurt him if you override his wishes no matter what he says.

Why want contact with someone who never prioritised your family? He did it partially to protect you and your siblings.

I would agree with everyone saying to write a letter, but you need to think about how you will feel if you don't hear anything back. You are never going to know if your Grandmother read the letter and didn't want to know, or if your Aunt intercepted it and your Grandmother never knew a thing about it.
It might make you feel a bit more at peace with it all if you know you've written a letter and done your part. I don't think a letter could do much harm but you need to be prepared to move on from that part of your family once you have done it. Anything positive from it is a bonus.

Thanks all. Certainly gives food for thought. I’ll think about it. If I did write a letter and she didn’t respond at least I will have tried. Then again, she didn’t make contact with me when I turned 18 so…
Thanks for all the genuine advice and ideas.

The reality is just over 40% of over 90 years old have dementia.

if just over 40% of 90 year olds have dementia it also means that 60% of 90 year olds don't ie more likely to not have it than have it.

Dementia statistics: dementiastatistics.org/statistics/prevalence-by-age-in-the-uk/

@Cottagecheeseisnotcheese Although that is true, it is reasonable to say that dementia may be an issue.

I think if you are going into it with kindness and no expectations then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I wouldn’t write a letter or go through a relative as you don’t know if they would have nefarious intentions re keeping you away.

I managed to track down a brother my mum hadn't seen for over fifty years. He was much older than her, in his nineties. They were over the moon and spent as much time together as possible until he died a few years later.

Yes I would contact a 94 year old. Make the most of every day !

I was estranged from my grandad when I was about 10. He was one of my favourite people in the world. I fairly recently found out where he was and dragged my heels on contacting him. He died last month and now I will never have the chance. My heart broke, I was devastated when I found out

We were debating how to approach a long-estranged family member years ago, and found some charities or organisations that can provide advice plus act as a neutral intermediary, which can make it easier for both sides.

I can't now remember the name of the organisation we were about to use (in the end someone jumped the gun and wrote to this person directly, which wasn't massively successful...), but it's this kind of thing, although sounds like you don't need the actual tracing, just some advice and potentially an intermediary.

www.salvationarmy.org.uk/family-tracing/reuniting-families

Personally, I would at least attempt to make contact with an estranged grandparent, with the knowledge that you could be hurt, but you would know that you had tried. I would definitely not recommend just turning up and ringing the doorbell though. Could give someone a nasty shock at any age, and puts them on the back foot, as you've had time to think things through, they've had the reunion sprung on them!

My mother in law is as sharp as a tack at 94! As is my mother, also over 90 so I wouldn’t assume that .
I’ve also had a family member who stopped speaking to any of his family without anyone ever contacting each other again , which caused a lot of hurt and sadness . I verge between being sad and quite angry with them . I would write a letter and leave it up to them to decide.

I would send a card and maybe a photo of you and your family if you have one.
As for not contacting you, she may have felt it better to not.
I would let this stop you.
Make contact, you have nothing to lose and you obviously want to.

Write a letter and add a couple of photos. People fall out for all sorts of silly reasons that aren't actually that important after a few years have gone by. Your parents have given "permission " to get in contact so you won't be hurting them by doing this. Your grandmother might not have contacted you at 18 as they won't know what your parents have told you about her. She might want contact but be scared....just like you are now. Its an emotionally scary process tbh.

I think you will feel regret if you don't try but don't have any expectations of her replying though.

I think you should be very careful. Be sure about what you want from any potential reunion and about the potential downfalls of it.

I lived with my paternal grandparents from age 7. My maternal GPs cut my parents, and us as a result, off when I was 4 as they found the abusive relationship between my parents too much to cope with.

By chance I ended up in touch with my grandfather and uncle a few years ago. It started off very lovely, but ultimately ended up quite unpleasant for me as I realised constantly in conversations how many times they could have got in touch but didn’t bother.

Whilst they were initially sad about the estrangement it was quite painful for me when I realised that I actually hadn’t crossed their minds at all for many, many years. It opened old wounds that in hindsight I’d have been better off leaving as they were.

So as well as taking into account the fact that she is 94, take into account how you may feel if you’re not welcomed back with open arms, how you’ll feel if they’re openly critical of your parents, how you’ll feel if they tell you a different story to your parents, how you’ll feel if they don’t want to know and how you’ll feel if they’re just indifferent.

My mother is 89 and she has certainly become far more involved with her extended family in recent years. You might be pleasantly surprised if you contact her.

@OutofEverything of course there is a chance, even a reasonable chance and it was worth mentioning but it is still more likely to not have dementia than to have it.
but I realise it was not you that said most people have it

I think the fact she knew you until you were 8 then never bothered with you speaks volumes op.

That doesn’t equate to ‘almost everyone.’