Would you contact a 94 year old?

[Showmethefood]

My dad and his side of the family had a massive row and stopped speaking to each other when I was 8 years old.

Im now in my 30s and have found out that my grandmother is still alive and she is 94. I have had no contact with her since I was 8. I’ve asked my family to put it right and make contact as I feel she will die soon - but they won’t. They’ve said I can if I want but they don’t think it’s a good idea.

It feels weird to me that i have a 94 year old grandmother still out there. I presumed she would be dead. I know the fall out was not my fault and I also know she chose to stop having contact with me, even though I had nothing to do with the row.

What would you do? Make contact or leave well alone? She’s never tried to make contact with me - so she must not love me or want to get to know me, right?

I would send a friendly letter saying something like 'I have been researching my family tree and would like to say hello', some chatty news and a couple of photos. Then see what happens.

Yeah, this is the thing isn’t it? She could have wrote me a letter when I was 18. It hurts that she hasn’t contacted me.

Maybe the cousins are a better first step? If you haven't had much contact for a while, maybe don't even mention your grandmother until you've met them once or twice, hopefully it will come up in conversation. If you are in contact ask them outright if they can ask her if she'd like to meet you.

Thank you all for your advice.

My parents are about to turn 93 and 94, and no hint of dementia! They live alone, my mum drives, etc. So no reason to think this lady has dementia.
But agree with PP, a letter would be a good way to broach the topic, rather than a call out of the blue.

Personally, I would write a letter to her so I knew I'd done something to potentially alleviate the what-ifs I'd otherwise carry around with me. I probably wouldn't mention to the rest of my family that I'd done it at that stage.

It may be that she's chosen to respect your Dad's wishes to have no contact but had always hoped when you were 18, you would be able to make a different choice. If you don't write, you are unlikely to find out. A chatty letter saying you've recently found out you still have a grandmother and you wanted to get in touch because you wish you'd known sooner is fine. You don't need to ask about visiting or getting to know each other necessarily, just let her know you've been thinking of her, are living in X country with X children and are currently doing X. Provide a phone number, home address and email address so she can get in touch if she wishes.

I don't think this is true. Lots of people don't develop dementia.

I do like the idea of writing a letter. It seems less invasive then knocking on the door. She might not want to see me and that’s her choice.

Do you have any knowledge of her health or living situation? Very few 94 year olds are fully healthy or independent.

My friend has a mother of this age who has a ‘long lost’ son and grandchildren. Long backstory naturally. If she were to be contacted now she wouldn’t remember the lost son. However it’s possible that other members of the family would express interest? There are presumably aunts, uncles and cousins.

I would write a card to the family expressing an interest in making some contact whilst acknowledging that this might be difficult and that you have no expectation of becoming a part of the family (tactfully!). I’d also bear in mind that over the years your Dads name has probably become deeply demonised and you may be treated in the same way.

Tricky. I’d want to try but be prepared for disappointment and possible hostility.

I have no idea of her health. I’m pretty sure she is living with my aunt - but it was my aunt and my dad who initially had the fall out. My Nan just went along with it so to speak and never got in touch again. I don’t think my aunt would be pleased to hear from me because of this - infact I think she would throw the letter away and not pass it onto my Nan.
I can’t say for sure of course. But I’m sure if I wrote to my aunt she’d think I was after my nans money etc.

@Wrappedupina5poundnote
'One potential issue OP, is dementia.
Unfortunately, almost everyone who lives into their later 80s and 90s develops some level of it,'

Seriously!!!
How uninformed and wrong are you???

I had this situation years ago was through parents divorce and losing contact. Anyway my grandmother blanked me refused to .talk to me or acknowledge her gt grandchild, I wasn't hurt as such just sad that she didn't care enough to pass the time if day with me. This might happen to you op just tred carefully.

I would send a general nice card saying you hope she is okay, you think about her and if she would like to, you would love to visit her. But you understand if she does not want to.

Then send but do not contact her if she does not contact you. She may have dementia, her health may be so bad that any visitors is difficult, or she may just not want to stir up the situation at all.

Or she may say yes, you will visit, and you find out she is not a nice person.

Only contact her if you are prepared for either scenario to happen.

More than 40% of people aged over 90 have dementia. So not everyone, but a high proportion.

Those don't sound like petty issues to me, who are you to discount your dads feelings? It could be a whole lot of 'petty' things that lead to NC. People don't cut out their parents of all people on a fancy. Again, who are you to tell everyone they need to make up? When you were an adult, your GM could have found a way to make contact with you but she didn't.

And who are you to come onto my thread and be so unkind? You can say anything you need to say nicely. This is a difficult time for me and I am trying to make sense of things. If someone is hurting or struggling you do not use your tongue to hurt them anymore. You can say things such as “I understand you’re hurting etc but maybe these things aren’t so petty to your dad etc”. Don’t be like the people out there that hide behind a username and a keyboard to inflict hurt on the internet.
it just shows that you have not dealt with your own pain in life and are hurting others with your words because you are hurting yourself.

Where are you getting your statistics from?

They're wrong

My mum is in her nineties, she is as sharp now as she was in her younger years. My grandma in law lived alone until she was just over one hundred years old, she too retained all her faculties. My uncle lived alone well into his nineties and continued driving and running all his own affairs.
Maybe my experience with the elderly is unusual but I wouldn’t let fear of finding your grandmother has diminished capacity put you off contacting her.
Best of luck!

Sorry I see you think the Aunt would throw any card away.
It is a really difficult issue because I understand why the Aunt would be suspicious that you were just after money, even though that is not the case.

What do you hope to get from contacting her? What would your best case scenario look like?

I think a letter is a good way forward. Write a Round Robin type of letter explaining who you are, your family set up, work etc. you could briefly mention your parents and siblings and what they are up to. Include some photographs etc. Also include contact phone number and address, and then leave it up to her. You never know, maybe she’d love to get in contact and find out about her family as well.

I suppose I’m just trying to make peace from my end. I don’t like the thought of carrying on the argument. The not talking. I know she is 94 and that she will die at some point soon. It was a shock to learn that she was still alive.

But it was nothing to do with you and you're not participating in the fallout

That’s what my family have told me. Which is why I’m hesitant to contact. I know I’m not to blame. It’s just hard because she’s 94 and going to die soon. I don’t know what to do. Whether to leave it - whether to contact. I’m confused. Don’t want to open a can of worms; don’t want to live with regrets 🤷‍♀️. It’s hard.

I would make contact. It might make her last years very happy. Or she might be indifferent but at least you've given her the choice.

I wouldn't. But that's me

She could have contacted you once you were adult. She didn't