To think people are becoming increasingly flakey?

[hearthstone]

In the last 2 months alone:

1. Was supposed to meet a friend at a cafe so I can pass her my old iPad. Went all the way into town and 30 mins before the meet up she suddenly had errands to run and cancelled. She picked another date, a day later she wanted to pick a different date. I just gave up and ended up handing the iPad to my mum.

1. 6 of us were supposed to meet for a friend's 30th. Restaurant booked, scheduled cleared. On the day itself, one cancelled because she was 'too tired', another followed, another followed, and the night just fell apart.

1. Was going to watch a movie with a friend. We bought the tickets, I passed on watching it with my mum because said friend asked first. On the day itself, friend is 'suddenly not in the mood' and I ended up going by myself (mum has since watched it already).

None of these meetups were suggested by me. Is this level of flakiness new? Why do these people constantly suggest meeting up if they always end up cancelling anyway?

I'm not the only one who's noticed this 'trend'. A friend was organising her kid's birthday party. 15 people RSVP'd 'yes', 9 cancelled at varying dates leading up to the party, 3 were no-shows.

I understand that sometimes things happen but AIBU to think that the bulk of cancellations (or no shows) is due to disorganisation and a general lack of care?

Yes, I think people are generally flakier. I'm not though, so there must be others out there like me.

I agree with you, OP, but I'd say get ready to be flamed by some. People are overly sensitive now for ridiculous reasons. "Not being in the mood" is my favourite from your list, but cancelling on someone's birthday because of tiredness is just horrible.

Yes I see it alot. I rather sit in now. Got sick of flaky people. I stopped planning stuff and wondering would they show. Im reliable myself. I suit myself now

Some people have always been flakey, however, what I've found is that some people will be quite happy now to let others be out of pocket when they drop out of stuff and seem most put out when that fact is raised with them let alone if a contribution is asked of them.

I think it’s a general decline in thought for other people.
I mean, sometimes you don’t feel like going out. There are times I’ve pushed myself and it’s gone well and others it hasn’t. I think people can’t be bothered to try now. I think it’s become acceptable to just not feel like going now, which would be okay but if you are spoiling it for someone else it probably isn’t. Generally people think more about their own feelings these days and honestly I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing, however I’m sure it ruins many friendships.
I lost a friend as I asked her a favour when I was DESPERATE and I needed her to have DD for a few hours. Her answer was she didn’t feel like getting dressed and wanted to knit. (Then 2 days later asked me to take her 3 children for the weekend because her and DH fancied a weekend away). Some people live in a bubble I think.

Yes, they are. There is no real social repercussion to behaving this way.

People are saying that it's new, what post covid? I won't put up with any of the above. Just wouldn't tolerate it. None of the above has happened to anyone I know. We are all meeting regularly, close friends, secondary school mums, old post natal group. None of the above.

Mobiles make it easier to not show up when all you have to do is send a text.

I think it's partly down to changed methods of communication. It probably feels a lot easier and less uncomfortable to make an excuse and sound convincing via a screen message than to lie or give a feeble reason in person or on a phone call, where you might see or sense the doubt or disappointment in the other person's manner or voice.

A lot of people are very used to presenting themselves and their day-to-day lives on social media, filtered to however they want them to look. I think that this unreality has crossed over into things like Whatsapp messages. Almost like your message isn't going to be read by a real person with feelings, but by an impersonal audience. It just makes it too easy to cancel.

What do you mean by you wouldnt tolerate it. What are you going to do if someone cancels because they're tired? Go round the drag them out for the night?

You wouldnt have a lot of choice.

The world is quite self centred, fuelled by the concept of 'being true to myself' and 'being the real me'.

I’m not flakey but a lot of people are. I’ve one friend in particular that when our group makes plans, I’m just waiting for her to cancel. The last time was really annoying because it ended up costing money to one of our group whereas the one who cancelled the day before the event didn’t get inconvenienced in any way. I will never pay anything for her to attend an event though I do really like her and always hope she comes to things.

Yes, happens all the time and it’s usually the person who, in the WhatsApp chat beforehand, is all ‘Wooo can’t wait! Haven’t seen you all for agessssss!!!’

I've noticed this is especially bad when there's more than 5 people involved. Someone will cancel and then it'll lead to a snowball of cancellations...

Definitely, it's quite bad now. Maybe people enjoy events less than they used to for some reason, or maybe they don't feel as close to the people involved anymore.

The worst is when they genuinely expect you to keep inviting them, keep messaging them etc. Eventually you stop trying and they get upset.

I always thought it was sad that my mum had no friends. She's a lovely person but has no one she could text for a coffee etc. She always said she just couldn't be bothered with people because they always let you down.

I'm now 35, and I absolutely get her point! I have one friend who I see occasionally. I did have a group of 8 friends but I fell out with them about 6 months ago for various reasons. I felt I put more effort into the friendship than they did and ob top of that they were pretty toxic, always bitching behind each others backs then then a few days later would be out for lunch with that same person. I organised night out for my birthday one year and only my brother turned up. Had various excuses including "my dog is sick" and "I'm too skint".

After I fell out with that lot I made friends with a girl at my gym. Her and her BF came to ours for dinner, we went to a party at her house and we went out for drinks. But any plans we made just me and her she cancelled. Usually last minute when I was just about to leave or had already sorted childcare.

Almost 50% of the people we invited to our wedding declined, most of whom didn't even bother to RSVP to let us know. We also had a few people just not show up on the day after we'd paid for then to be there.

So now I'm at the point were I'd rather have no friends than be constantly let down and messed around by people. If I fancy a coffee I text my mum and my DH is my best friend.

I don't buy the bullshit that "people just have busy lives". Like they're the only person who does. I work fulltime, have kids, go to the gym 5/6 times a week and run a side business. Some days I hardly get a minute to think. But I never cancel plans unless there's an actual emergency. Or if I do have to change things I give as much notice as possible.

@bellac11
What do you think I mean? When I say not tolerate? I mean not tolerate. I'm not friends with people who are flakey. People don't cancel on me, I don't cancel on others. None of my friends do this. One was recently genuinely tired, she still came round we all 3 of us agreed to finish early and were tucked up bed by 10pm.

I think it depends on the group. I have friends who wouldn't cancel - it's a yes, or a no, or a I hope to but might not be able because of something and can let you know by X is that ok? All of those are fine and allow you to plan properly.

I also had friends who would just not show to group things because they thought enough people would be there that they wouldn't notice. Of course if enough people think that way it causes issues. Dumped a load of them after I booked a restaurant, paid a deposit per person, and then a load of people didn't show and didn't pay me back. The worst bit was there were people I wanted to invite but couldn't because it was full and it was a small restaurant so they lost money. I'm still angry years later.

Yes. Social media therapists are partially to blame for it. We completely lost the sight of the fact that other people and our relationship with them is important too. Self-care, healing etc. got out of hand.

Yes. One of my friends is terrible. Make a plan and then get radio silence for weeks. So I'm in limbo about what's happening.

Another friend is always late. For everything, which I find really rude.

We arrange something at work and everyone says they come, then no one actually does.

I've found it with a lot of mum friends to be honest and I get it because sometimes my kids are annoying too but it's always last minute and always some really vague excuse. Like 'oh we can't manage this morning because little miss was up during the night and we are just having a pj day' grand if it's a toddler group but if we are just meeting for coffee and I've already started getting ready I'm going to be a little p*d off. I don't text people who dont text back as if they are interested or if they are flaky I don't meet up with them. Ive got a small group of friends who never let you down and thats fine for me. It's just a very big 'my time is more valuable than your time' to me.

People are definitely more flakey! I never cancel plans that have been made!

I fell out with a group of friends last year because after planning a night away in a hotel, to see a concert in a city 45 mins away, for over 2 years (postponed due to Covid) one suddenly couldn’t afford it (£75 for a shared hotel room) and then gradually 3 dropped out. Even when I said I totally understood if they couldn’t afford it and we could just meet at the concert venue (that they’d already paid for) they decided they didn’t want to come.

the bizarre thing is none of them could see why I was upset about it! Weird.

YANBU. I think it comes about from the whole "self-care" shite being misinterpreted as "I don't care about anyone else", plus Covid gave everyone an excuse to be more self-centred.

I had a friend with whom I organised some events and she would regularly dump her responsibilities onto others because she "needed some me time" and "It's important that I look after myself". It never seemed to occur to her that she was doing that at the detriment of other people's "me time".

Another friend reneged fairly regularly with the lamest of excuses, including the time she told me a week in advance that her back was too bad. She even admitted at one point that she's lying when she calls things off.

Yet another friend will cry off because "I'm just a bit tired". Jesus, we were going to the pub at the end of the road, not a hike up the Matterhorn.

Only the latter of those do I still bother trying to arrange anything with (because at least her flaking is quite rare, much as it irritates me when it does happen, and because I genuinely enjoy her company). The others I've quietly dropped.

Definitely. At work I’ve really noticed it with our clients over the past 18 months. Lots of people don’t take responsibility for themselves and others the way they did pre pandemic. There’s a lot more selfishness and entitlement.