To think people are becoming increasingly flakey?

[hearthstone]

In the last 2 months alone:

1. Was supposed to meet a friend at a cafe so I can pass her my old iPad. Went all the way into town and 30 mins before the meet up she suddenly had errands to run and cancelled. She picked another date, a day later she wanted to pick a different date. I just gave up and ended up handing the iPad to my mum.

1. 6 of us were supposed to meet for a friend's 30th. Restaurant booked, scheduled cleared. On the day itself, one cancelled because she was 'too tired', another followed, another followed, and the night just fell apart.

1. Was going to watch a movie with a friend. We bought the tickets, I passed on watching it with my mum because said friend asked first. On the day itself, friend is 'suddenly not in the mood' and I ended up going by myself (mum has since watched it already).

None of these meetups were suggested by me. Is this level of flakiness new? Why do these people constantly suggest meeting up if they always end up cancelling anyway?

I'm not the only one who's noticed this 'trend'. A friend was organising her kid's birthday party. 15 people RSVP'd 'yes', 9 cancelled at varying dates leading up to the party, 3 were no-shows.

I understand that sometimes things happen but AIBU to think that the bulk of cancellations (or no shows) is due to disorganisation and a general lack of care?

Yep. One friend constantly says “let’s meet for coffee”…I’m always flexible and tell her to give me a suitable day …. Radio silence.
another friend - part of a couple we’ve known for 20 years texts us every 6 months saying they miss us and asks us for dates to meet. We give literally all dates and hear nothing back. Nothing gets arranged. My husband even chases them whilst I’ve given up after YEARS of this. Then 6 months later it all starts again.
Any plans that do get made often get cancelled. People are flakey and i give up.

Yes vino you can only do so much. We friends with a couple the lads worked together. I give 2 or 3 dates we did meet. But no not chasing up people anymore. Then its rude if they dont commit.

I think this is it too. I find it really frustrating and sad how selfish people can be nowadays

Exactly it.

Yep I hear you. I get people are busy (who isn’t??) but if they aren’t making the effort it’s time to let go. I recently let go of a couple of friendships & it was for the best.

I agree. I’d happily go back to the time before then. I think the internet and smartphones has massively contributed to the decline of society, community and family.

I am guilty of being flaky quite often.

For me it is due to having 2 children under 4, and the unbeleivable numbers of bugs, fevers and grim colds they get in the colder months.

I had to cancel my own birthday meal twice. I didn't attend my close friend's daughter's birthday, even though I really wanted and plannrd to go. I am grateful that friends have been generally understanding because it feels awful.

I do suggest plans with friends, even though I do and up cancelling semi-regularly.

The alternative would be to just give up on ever socialising althogether, which is just too depressing!

So I do still make plans and try to keep them.

I also agree with PP that said that the instant communication methods probably do make this more common for some people.

I also think that for some people, making plans feels good even if they don't usually keep them (not what I do but have noticed this with some others).

There are some groups where, I think, one person cancels and then everyone else follows quickly, not wanting to be one of the last few still in, and then having to go out in a small group/ paid when that wasn’t what they signed up for. So once one person goes down, everyone does. Or else they think “oh yeah, I don’t really feel like it now” and once the option to not go is out there, they all drop out.

I try to avoid that sort of arrangement now!

I've learned from experience: if trying to get a bunch of people together, the best way to do this is to put the feelers out to your "core" non flakey friends who are proactive about getting together and doing stuff, arrange a time and place that best suits you and this small group, and then create a group message that says "Me, Jane and Nazreen are getting together in the Red LIon on Friday at 7pm, others are welcome to join us if they like."

I've found that if suggest a group meeting as a "big get-together for everyone" and allow all members of a group "equal weight" when it comes to deciding times and places, the whole event will often end up just fizzling out, as one person after another cancels.

That said, if you do this, there is a possibility that people will consider it "cliquey." Some people cannot understand that ultimately, flakey people are likely to be end up being relegated to the outskirts of a friendship group. It's not "personal," it's just that events cannot be planned on the convenience of unreliable people who keep not showing up.

Ironically in my experience the flakiest people are also the first to moan when they aren't invited to things, and also that they 'never go anywhere' and 'don't have any friends'. That's because you're a PITA and don't commit.

Yes, very much this. Also, the "using mental health as an excuse." If your mental health is poor, spending more time around people would nearly always help?

I think it's been gradually happening over the last few years. Part of it is that it is easier to back out without speaking to someone- text, email mainly. Ten or certainly twenty years ago you'd have had to phone.

Covid 19 and the period without meeting most people I am sure has accelerated this trend.

I totally agree with this. I have a family member with long term mental health issue (well managed) Every therapist, doctor, support worker for many years has given the advice to push yourself, to get up and go out. They are tearing their hair out at the new social media drive that self care means by yourself at home. It doesn't. There's a massive benefit from doing something difficult, and then feeling the boost of self esteem when it's complete. That's the key to good mental health, in the same way that physical health requires some rest and then the painful physio bit to get you back up and running. Mental health advice has only emphasised the rest bit at the moment. No thought to how you actually rebuild afterwards

I used to invite groups of people out but ever time they would drop out one by one, so I don't do that anymore.

I will invite one or two people at a time and I don't get let down now.

If a big group is organised by someone else I will go but I'm not organising them again.

We used to go out as a very large group (couples) at Christmas. Someone else organised it until they moved away. I ended up taking over but 2 years running people didn't pay deposits and put drinks on the bill and didn't own up, so I ended up paying for them, so I stopped. We haven't been out since. It was a shame because it was a good night but a real friend wouldn't take the piss like that.

I avoid flaky people now. Really can't be bothered.

I find nobody commits now. I do lots alone now just seems easier.. its disheartening.

Group chats are the worse for this! Drive me bonkers when people post ' who fancies a few drinks for my birthday?"' & loads of people don't even bother replying. It takes 30 seconds. So rude imo. They never reply either. Then original poster does reminder message 'don't forget it's my birthday drinks tomorrow night' & some people STILL don't say yay or nay. I'm not organising anything on a group chat anymore. I'll message the people I want to invite individually. One friend takes days to reply then answer is usually 'Sorry I'm busy that weekend ' but NEVER suggests an alternative. We live 10 min walk from each other in same village so a quick drink is hardly a hassle! I'm perimenopausal though & get paranoid about people not wanting to meet up. My friends are similar age so I try and remind myself maybe they are miserable/exhausted/ hormonal just like me! It's hard though.

Definitely find this. People now happy to cancel and mess around with arrangements. So easy and instantaneous to send messages by whatsapp. You can see it's delivered and read. Then forget about it!

I have a friend like this. I turn down other plans or appointments as I've arranged to meet the friend, the night before- I swear it's every other time we arrange something, "really sorry I forgot about us meeting and can't meet now.xx☹️☹️".

Group plans with 4 or more meeting, one cancels, another does and ends up just a pair meeting or cancelled.

Honestly, I do it too, very occasionally but nowhere near the same extent that others do.

This actually made me teary. I don't have any friends as they all really let me down after I put myself out for them and I don't trust anyone now . I have 2 adult daughters but they are always too busy ! My DH is also my best friend and my little dog . I would always have coffee with my mum she only had 2 close friends but they were quite needy my mum passed away a year ago just even a quick coffee and a chat with her meant so much . I have never treated anyone that way it does seem to be so acceptable now I don't think people realise how hurtful it is .

I think it's because night outs/coffee etc are organised by text/WhatsApp etc so it's easy to say yes but it's also easier to text "too tired" excuses. If friends and family had to phone to actually cancel they would be more likely to turn up. Cancellations via WhatsApp is emotionally removed.

So sorry for your loss. 💐