Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel like an idiot (friend borrowing money)

118 replies

Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 09:43

There's a bit of backstory to this first but I'll try and keep it short.

I have a close friend who is terrible with money. He was/is addicted to weed and that came first. A few years ago I lent him a fair amount - to me - of money, but it was small amounts over time that built up and he kept promising to pay back the following week, then went silent come payday. Then he'd come back with an excuse as to why he was short again and ask for another £20/£30 and he'd promise to pay the lot back next payday. You can see where this is going, and he didn't.

At the time I was in a bad place with my MH, needed the friend, and hadn't realised just how much I had lent him.

Anyway we had a huge row and didn't speak for about a year, when he randomly got in touch, apologised and did in fact pay it all back and we became friends again about 18 months ago.

He hasn't asked for money again, until now. He's given up weed in the last few weeks, but mentioned he was tight for money because he bought his usual amount, smoked it all and then quit before payday.

The other day he texted and asked if I could spot him £20 until Wednesday - yesterday. It put me in an awkward position knowing what he did before, and my finances are tighter these days. But I messaged back saying I could, but I definitely needed it back Wednesday because of XYZ. He said absolutely, and promised it wouldn't be like before.

You guessed it, he hasn't paid.

I'm so annoyed with myself. I know it's only been a day and maybe he'll get in touch today and pay it, and although I won't starve losing £20 it's the broken promise that's upset me. I don't want to chase him, purely so I can see exactly what he thinks of our friendship. I'm half expecting responses here of 'just ask for it back' but honestly I think I need to see how this plays out and not prompt him. AIBU?

OP posts:
Paq · 16/02/2023 09:45

Well, you're a mug. He knows you're a mug. You know he knows you're a mug. Nothing is going to change unless you change it.

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2023 09:47

Yep; he knows an easy touch when he sees one. Stop being a mug

Frabbits · 16/02/2023 09:48

Ask for all back.

Don't lend to him again.

You're being a mug.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2023 09:48

He's taking advantage of you because you allow it. Stop being such a massive mug. End the friendship, block him, and do some serious work on your boundaries.

billy1966 · 16/02/2023 09:49

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2023 09:48

He's taking advantage of you because you allow it. Stop being such a massive mug. End the friendship, block him, and do some serious work on your boundaries.

This.

44PumpLane · 16/02/2023 09:50

As he has paid you back in whole for the previous loans you are currently "only" £20 down.

£20 is not expensive to have paid for a life lesson.......you friend hasn't changed. Do not lend him any further money. You will soon find out if he's still your friend without the cash on tap!

DO NOT LEND HIM ANY MORE MONEY!!!! £20 well spent.

Quitelikeit · 16/02/2023 09:50

No more money. He’s had his chance and blown it.

SnarkyBag · 16/02/2023 09:52

YABU to lend him money given his past history. I think write off the £20 and give the friendship a massive swerve.

CaponeOnTax · 16/02/2023 09:54

YANBU - but ask yourself why you keep saying yes?

You say you are right for money. Do you think that is making you over-sympathetic here? The guy is literally sending cash up in smoke and you are still going along with it. You sound lovely and maybe you need to be tougher because this is costing you, not just money.

Summerishere123 · 16/02/2023 09:54

Just stop lending it. You know he won't pay it back.

AmandaHoldensLips · 16/02/2023 09:55

Sounds like you're the kind of person who could do with learning about healthy boundaries. If you find it really hard to say no, ask yourself why that is. Saying no does not make you a bad person.

Think about ways you can say no, for example...

"Sorry, but I can't do that."
"That doesn't work for me."
"No. Sorry."
"I've been let down before so I don't lend money to anyone any more."
"Please don't ask me if you can borrow money. It makes me really uncomfortable."

Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 09:57

I won't lend anymore, obviously. I guess I just hoped he'd changed. He didn't have to contact me out of the blue and pay the £££ he owed from before, and he hasn't asked since, until now.

PP was right saying £20 to learn a lesson is money well spent. I'm just so disappointed in him.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 16/02/2023 10:00

You sound like a very lovely, generous friend OP.

Unfortunately I think your friend, whilst he means well (hence paid you back in the end) is so bad with money that you can't lend him anymore.

Come up with an excuse and stick to it. He's an adult and borrowing and returning money isn't normal. It's a bad way of dealing with money. He needs to learn to budget.

If he's a true friend, he'll stick around regardless.

I hope you're feeling better these days.

Lavender14 · 16/02/2023 10:02

There's a very good reason why he's terrible with money. Drugs will do that to people in even the very best of friendships. I'd ask him when he realistically thinks he can pay you back and I'd even ask him if he could pay you a fiver a week etc to make it easier. Then when he repays you tell him that you aren't going to lend him any more money because he can't stick to the agreements you make and you'd rather keep the friendship than fall out over money. (If you even still want a friendship by that point). But it's unreasonable to lend someone money, knowing they're bad with it and expect them to repay you in the agreed time frame.

TightFistedWozerk · 16/02/2023 10:04

I am so sorry, I understand your upset, being let down by someone who.you thought was better than that is painful.

If you can afford to, sit back and wait for him to come to you with the money, see how long it takes, no reminding or chasing. Obv write it off as a good lesson.

If you need it back then yep sadly you will have to chase and remind him, and get tangled back up.

Thinking about stock phrases to use in future is a really good idea.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/02/2023 10:07

You say you are close friends, does he keep in touch regularly or is it only when he needs money?

WaltzingWaters · 16/02/2023 10:10

Do not lend any more. Ever. You’ve been so kind to lend him the money and he’s always been a dick not to repay you when he’s said he would. Plus you need food more than he needs weed.

Soakitup37 · 16/02/2023 10:12

You don’t need to come up with excuses for what to say to him, it’s quite straight forward, no I don’t trust you to lend money too so I won’t.

if he’s sane enough to ask for the money he’s not stupid to know exactly what he’s doing and the fact he’s being a cheeky fucker.

this friendship is one sided, you do not need that kind of friend. Ask for the money back asap, if he doesn’t give it then you’ve got your proof and acknowledgement that this friendship is dead in the water.

cstaff · 16/02/2023 10:21

If he is as good a friend as you say then the only thing that needs to stop is you handing over your hard earned cash. If he turns on you / or not for refusing to lend then you that you will see the true side of him. I wouldn't write him off just yet but you do need to learn how to say no.

bjrce · 16/02/2023 10:33

A few years ago I discovered the best word in the world for these situations is "CAN'T"

I had a colleague at work years ago and on work nights out (which we didn't want to go to) she would have her ready made excuse- I "CAN'T" go because I have other plans that night. etc. etc. No one ever questioned her or got the hump with her - I actually admired her for it.

I have come into situations whereby friends would randomly ask to borrow money and I would have my excuse ready " Sorry I can't, I jump paid for kids school books, play clubs etc." They never ask again.

You need to develop a mentality that you are not a walk over.
Let this one go - but in future be ready with your excuse - there will be a next time -
Sorry "CAN'T" borrow you any money , I don't have it, I really don't had to pay for X, Y & Z the last few days and I can't help Sorry!.

Keep the mantra going - he will stop. You don't even need to fall out with him over it. Just keep saying CAN'T.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 16/02/2023 10:38

Paq · 16/02/2023 09:45

Well, you're a mug. He knows you're a mug. You know he knows you're a mug. Nothing is going to change unless you change it.

This. Stop lending the feckless gobshite money.

Dotcheck · 16/02/2023 10:41

44PumpLane · 16/02/2023 09:50

As he has paid you back in whole for the previous loans you are currently "only" £20 down.

£20 is not expensive to have paid for a life lesson.......you friend hasn't changed. Do not lend him any further money. You will soon find out if he's still your friend without the cash on tap!

DO NOT LEND HIM ANY MORE MONEY!!!! £20 well spent.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 10:57

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/02/2023 10:07

You say you are close friends, does he keep in touch regularly or is it only when he needs money?

No, we hang out and talk on the phone quite a lot and money doesn't get mentioned. In fact I'm supposed to be going to his house this weekend but obviously that won't be happening if he doesn't pay.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandtuplips · 16/02/2023 11:13

Meet him at the weekend and see what happens, only take out enough money for your own needs. If he makes no effort to pay you back the £20.00 then you know where you stand and do not lend him any more.
In his mind he’s wiped the slate clean and is under the impression that his friendship with you allows him to use you as an interest free cash point, only instead of a pin no to get the cash he uses flattery and a sob story.
Be firm, no more cash, you are, in effect, funding his habit.

afinishedkiss · 16/02/2023 11:16

He is an addict and weed will always come first. He won't care about who he owes, breaking promises or going back on his word. He cares about weed.

Let his time be the last.

Swipe left for the next trending thread