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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an idiot (friend borrowing money)

118 replies

Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 09:43

There's a bit of backstory to this first but I'll try and keep it short.

I have a close friend who is terrible with money. He was/is addicted to weed and that came first. A few years ago I lent him a fair amount - to me - of money, but it was small amounts over time that built up and he kept promising to pay back the following week, then went silent come payday. Then he'd come back with an excuse as to why he was short again and ask for another £20/£30 and he'd promise to pay the lot back next payday. You can see where this is going, and he didn't.

At the time I was in a bad place with my MH, needed the friend, and hadn't realised just how much I had lent him.

Anyway we had a huge row and didn't speak for about a year, when he randomly got in touch, apologised and did in fact pay it all back and we became friends again about 18 months ago.

He hasn't asked for money again, until now. He's given up weed in the last few weeks, but mentioned he was tight for money because he bought his usual amount, smoked it all and then quit before payday.

The other day he texted and asked if I could spot him £20 until Wednesday - yesterday. It put me in an awkward position knowing what he did before, and my finances are tighter these days. But I messaged back saying I could, but I definitely needed it back Wednesday because of XYZ. He said absolutely, and promised it wouldn't be like before.

You guessed it, he hasn't paid.

I'm so annoyed with myself. I know it's only been a day and maybe he'll get in touch today and pay it, and although I won't starve losing £20 it's the broken promise that's upset me. I don't want to chase him, purely so I can see exactly what he thinks of our friendship. I'm half expecting responses here of 'just ask for it back' but honestly I think I need to see how this plays out and not prompt him. AIBU?

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 19/02/2023 15:41

Money aside (don't lend him any more for goodness sake OP) - what is the reason you sustain a friendship with someone who's done this to you and is doing this to you, that is also flakey?

He is what he is and he's shown that, you don't need to accept crumbs from people or buy their time/affection/friendship.

Parisj · 19/02/2023 15:47

Addicts lie unfortunately and him asking for money should have been an indication that he's relapsed. You don't owe him friendship, but if you do have anything more to do with him, tough love, no money and be blunt. Its more caring.

MissMaple82 · 19/02/2023 16:17

Ffs, I've no sympathy. Grow a back bone and stop giving him money! He isn't your friend. you're his cash point!

Summerfun54321 · 19/02/2023 16:23

Once a mistake, twice a lesson, three times a fool.

Just ask him for the money back then block him.

earsup · 19/02/2023 16:25

Get the £20 back and state quite firmly that you cannot lend money again and then see how the friendship goes....will he be in touch again....time will tell....I once lent an ex colleague £100, I had just inherited 29k, and she said she needed it to buy food.....a week later she told me she bought her son a real Gucci belt for his birthday....I never spoke to her again, blocked her etc....not seen her in over 4 years and relieved..She always had a disaster going on and needed cash from family or friends...pleased not to have her chaos in my life..have never lent money since then.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 19/02/2023 16:44

Lesson 1. You don’t lend your friends money !
it causes more problems and will ruin everything.

Zippidydoda · 19/02/2023 16:50

YABU to have lent him money after what happened previously.

I think if you want to maintain a friendship with this person you have to not ever lend him any money. Clearly he has addictions and won’t be reliable in returning your money. Just take out the the equation and say no from now on.

Obviously he is very unreasonable to act this way, however that is the nature of addiction sadly .

Cococomellonn · 19/02/2023 16:54

*As he has paid you back in whole for the previous loans you are currently "only" £20 down.

£20 is not expensive to have paid for a life lesson.......you friend hasn't changed. Do not lend him any further money. You will soon find out if he's still your friend without the cash on tap!

DO NOT LEND HIM ANY MORE MONEY!!!! £20 well spent.*

I agree with this

Rodneyisaplonker · 19/02/2023 16:56

so did you go to his house, did you get your money?

DartholomewSpaceInvader · 19/02/2023 17:08

My late MIL always used to say, "If you want to get rid of someone, lend them money."

She wasn't wrong.

mathanxiety · 19/02/2023 18:09

Can you tell him the friendship continues only if he stops asking you for money? Would you feel comfortable laying down a condition like that? If not, why not?

I have a suspicion he keeps you on the back burner with the odd phone call and occasional hanging out, and that he was leaning on other people during the time he wasn't sponging his weed money from you. Now his latest piggy bank has run out of patience and he'll borrow from you until she's paid off...

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/02/2023 18:52

He'll have known damn fine he got paid, and would have gone and bought food or tobacco or whatever yesterday

No, he'll have bought more weed yesterday; quite why you'd believe the story that he'd given up but spent all his last wages before payday I really don't know

Personally I wouldn't ask for the £20 back this time; it's money well spent if you use it to say no to the next request, and frankly should be a hard lesson learned.
Do be aware though that a refusal will probably bring invented "emergencies" to prise more out of you ...

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 21/02/2023 10:43

Rodneyisaplonker · 19/02/2023 16:56

so did you go to his house, did you get your money?

Nope. He got antibiotics for an ear infection and cancelled very late notice on Sunday morning. But the money hasn't materialised in my account either.

He wants some help with something, that's outing to say but he really needs it and only I can help him with it. He invited himself over yesterday to sort it but I didn't reply. I work FT self employed but obviously he doesn't respect my time like that either. Not to mention him being 'too ill' to meet on Sunday, but somehow miraculously fine on Monday.

I assume I'll get a message sometime this week chasing it, and I'm not sure how to respond, if at all. Posters think I'm wet but I have no problem being direct and saying so if I have a problem. The issue is I know how he will react, and it'll be excuses/playing the wounded party (I was ill and forgot)/maybe even blaming me (You should have reminded me and I'd have just paid it) etc. I really can't be arsed with the deflection.

No amount of making the point that he should have enough respect for me to just pay it when he promised he would will make a difference. So I guess it's wait and see if I get a message.

OP posts:
Sunshineismyfriend · 21/02/2023 10:49

As it’s now only £20 he owes you I wouldn’t ask for it back and I wouldn’t get in touch with him again. I’d wait to see if he gets in touch and how long it takes. I would never lend money again as he blatantly won’t pay you back and I probably wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore as this isn’t how friends treat each other.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 21/02/2023 10:57

Sunshineismyfriend · 21/02/2023 10:49

As it’s now only £20 he owes you I wouldn’t ask for it back and I wouldn’t get in touch with him again. I’d wait to see if he gets in touch and how long it takes. I would never lend money again as he blatantly won’t pay you back and I probably wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore as this isn’t how friends treat each other.

Thank you, this is exactly my thinking. I can write off the £20 and no, he's never getting a penny from me again.

OP posts:
Poscapen · 21/02/2023 10:58

YABU because you wouldn't have this problem if you'd not lent him the money. If you're arranging to meet up then say "Please bring my money with you" but be prepared that he won't and be prepared to properly drop him.

TaraMock · 21/02/2023 11:11

He's a shit friend for not paying you back. He shouldn't need to be reminded, it was only 2 days previous! He will be in touch again because he'll want to "borrow" money again, or because he'll want your help with something else... whenever he does it's up to you how you respond, but for me I'd be saying No.
I agree with PPs, his last cash cow has stopped providing so he's back in touch with you. What a shit head 😠

Brefugee · 21/02/2023 11:13

ok so you have now paid 20 quid to learn a lesson. Keep asking for it back. Every time he texts you: ask for it back. Every single time.
No other comments, chat or anything: where's my 20 quid.

And hopefully you'll get it. But if you have learned your lesson, money well spent.

Brefugee · 21/02/2023 11:14

Come up with an excuse and stick to it. He's an adult and borrowing and returning money isn't normal. It's a bad way of dealing with money. He needs to learn to budget.

don't come up with an excuse. Say "no because you don't pay it back on time"

twoshedsjackson · 21/02/2023 11:18

When he realises that he has irked you, and as you say needs you to give him help which only you can give, it may well be that he (temporarily) reshuffles his priorities and "miraculously" scrapes together the £20.
This places you in a slightly stronger position than most people in your position (been there, done that, learned to be more cautious) but if you recoup this money, don't let him kid you again.

Cococomellonn · 21/02/2023 11:26

Posters think I'm wet but I have no problem being direct and saying so if I have a problem. The issue is I know how he will react, and it'll be excuses/playing the wounded party (I was ill and forgot)/maybe even blaming me (You should have reminded me and I'd have just paid it) etc. I really can't be arsed with the deflection.

I'm not sure I get this because isn't the point of being direct that you the to deal with the response? So you do have a problem being with direct because you don't want to deal with the response...

I can understand why you feel that way OP but just don't get that way of thinking.

StaunchMomma · 21/02/2023 11:29

I've voted YABU but only because you were silly to give it to him in the first place!

Learn to say no, OP.

LookItsMeAgain · 21/02/2023 11:40

@Sparklfairy - I think this part of one of your posts is quite telling:
"I assume I'll get a message sometime this week chasing it, and I'm not sure how to respond, if at all. Posters think I'm wet but I have no problem being direct and saying so if I have a problem. The issue is I know how he will react, and it'll be excuses/playing the wounded party (I was ill and forgot)/maybe even blaming me (You should have reminded me and I'd have just paid it) etc. I really can't be arsed with the deflection."

Consider that you telling him about his outstanding debt is you reminding him. You could also remind him that it's not actually your job to keep having to chase him for outstanding debts or to remind him to repay his debts. As he is in debt to someone else, it is his job to repay any outstanding loan before asking for anything else, or else he ends up getting further into debt. He's asking for your help on something that only you can help him with...well, he settles up first and then you'll consider offering that help at that stage.

You could use this as an opportunity and not see it as something negative. An opportunity to let him know that asking you for money is no longer an option and to save both of you some embarrassment, you're letting him know not to ask in future.

So he has a way that he reacts. He does that so that you won't press him for the return of your money or you won't object to giving freely of your time. It's about time you put a value on your time and that you stopped writing off money you have loaned him. Why is he more entitled to your money than you are?

Bookegg · 21/02/2023 11:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request

CleaningOutMyCloset · 21/02/2023 11:55

When he chases you, be honest

Sorry x, but I won't be assisting you going forward with x, y and z. I feel taken advantage of by you, with both my time and my money. It's not something I'm willing to put up with any longer.

Spark

If he comes back with things like 'you should have chased me, I need your help, I'll lose business etc. just ignore him. Or if you feel the need to reply simply say 'it's not my responsibility to chase you, help you etc etc' then don't respond again