To feel like an idiot (friend borrowing money)

[Sparklfairy]

There's a bit of backstory to this first but I'll try and keep it short.

I have a close friend who is terrible with money. He was/is addicted to weed and that came first. A few years ago I lent him a fair amount - to me - of money, but it was small amounts over time that built up and he kept promising to pay back the following week, then went silent come payday. Then he'd come back with an excuse as to why he was short again and ask for another £20/£30 and he'd promise to pay the lot back next payday. You can see where this is going, and he didn't.

At the time I was in a bad place with my MH, needed the friend, and hadn't realised just how much I had lent him.

Anyway we had a huge row and didn't speak for about a year, when he randomly got in touch, apologised and did in fact pay it all back and we became friends again about 18 months ago.

He hasn't asked for money again, until now. He's given up weed in the last few weeks, but mentioned he was tight for money because he bought his usual amount, smoked it all and then quit before payday.

The other day he texted and asked if I could spot him £20 until Wednesday - yesterday. It put me in an awkward position knowing what he did before, and my finances are tighter these days. But I messaged back saying I could, but I definitely needed it back Wednesday because of XYZ. He said absolutely, and promised it wouldn't be like before.

You guessed it, he hasn't paid.

I'm so annoyed with myself. I know it's only been a day and maybe he'll get in touch today and pay it, and although I won't starve losing £20 it's the broken promise that's upset me. I don't want to chase him, purely so I can see exactly what he thinks of our friendship. I'm half expecting responses here of 'just ask for it back' but honestly I think I need to see how this plays out and not prompt him. AIBU?

He's a drug addict, so no surprises on the money front.

If you can make new friends and invest your time and energy with them, I doubt you'll regret it.

This!

You are not a fool, I think you are a kind generous person and he has taken advantage.
He did eventually pay you back for the larger sum, but it wasn't just the money, it was the stress of thinking it would never be repaid.

Now its started up again, not just in terms of lending money, but in terms of taking up your self-employed earning time to do a free task for him. I bet you are not the ONLY person who can help. Citizen's advice.

Given that you agreed to forfeit your earning time to help him. He abuses that by ignoring the appointment and deciding that he will grant you an audience at a time that is convenient to him.

Are you worried if yu say no to him, that he will withdraw the friendship?
"Dear Freeloader. I cannot afford to lend you money ATM and I don't being put in the position of chasing you for repayment, when you don't repay me as promised - whether its £20 - or £200. If I offer to help then you need to turn up at a time that is convenient to me or I can't help you."
Try it and see what his response is.... then you will have your answer. He will either repay and apologise for not turning up or he will withdraw the friendship.

After all the stress its caused you, I think its worth taking that risk.

Well, as predicted, he got in touch today. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts. He also rang me a couple of times in a frenzy.

In response to this (and only because sometimes it really is nice to have the last word on a situation) would be to send this message to him.

"Look, I loaned you money and you have failed to pay it back. You have subsequently asked for me to do you a favour, having still to pay back the money I loaned you. You are also flooding my WhatsApp with your inane messages about whatever. You want to know how to 'fix this'? Well you don't leave your debts unpaid for starters, with fake indignation that you thought you had paid it back and blaming an illness on why you haven't transferred the money by making you forgetful. You treat your friends who do things for you and loan you money with more respect than you have, than you are.
I have had enough.
You have my bank details (they were sent to you on X date)** so I expect the money to be transferred immediately. There are no more excuses for delays. I have had enough of your hassling me so I am taking a break and I do not want to hear from you for the time being. "

Then block his number on everything - Messenger, Facebook, WhatsApp, on your phone itself and any other apps you use to communicate. Drop the rope and stop letting him in to your life. If you see him when you're out and about, that's fine and you can leave or stay, but you can limit your interaction with him at this point and I think you need to.

He also rang me a couple of times in a frenzy

Probably withdrawal symptoms if he can't get the money out of anyone else.
And what's this about the weekend "cage show"? Please tell me he's not into cage fighting as well?

Anyway your choice; you can either shut this down completely so he'll bother someone else or allow him to weasel back into your thoughts and life ... I know which one I'd pick

He wants some help with something, that's outing to say but he really needs it and only I can help him with it

Only just noticed this too, and unless it's some concerns something deeply personal which you've unwisely got involved in with him, how can you possibly be the only one who can help him?

I note you have told him he is costing you your time as well as money, well done.

So, has he paid you yet?

No, he hasn't. I have checked.

His excuse would be 'i wanted to be sure I was sending it to the right details' but they're written right there in the whatsapp convo, sent the other bloody day. he knows damn fine they're right.

Honestly sometimes I wonder whether it's a control thing? Like someone saying, 'say please' just to be petty. Sick of it tbh. I'm ignoring him completely.

Good for you - glad you got to your 'I don't even care now' point. It's liberating, isn't it!

I am so sorry, he is being so horrible.

Ok so he has not paid you, there is your answer. Cut him loose now, block and delete. He IS costing you time, and headspace; the money now is not irrelevant, because he took it from you with no intention of paying back, but cutting into your time and your work time at that is unforgivable. He can get lost.

I hope you're okay, this sort of event can be really upsetting.

100% this.

Time to set him free. He is no longer of your concern. Be completely nonchalant with him. He is nothing to you now.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Ignore.
Oh, and block his number.

The fact that he isn't going to be getting a rise out of you anymore, that will probably drive him absolutely crazy.

Best to ignore the man.

Don't give in to his "Here, I'm over here, please look at me, please give me attention and money" attitude.

He helps out at events for a relative but no, doesn't do it himself!

The thing he needs isn't dodgy. In fact it would be excellent for his prospects if I helped/continued helping him. I've taken weekday mornings off and worked weekends instead to help him out. Sometimes he'd be really late for a stupid reason and once he did a total no show. Then he promises to take me out to dinner or cook for me at his place "to sat thank you" and keeps cancelling.

I actually don't mind helping him out as I love what I do and it really would help him. But this money thing has shone a light on the fact he has no respect for me, my time, or our friendship. Take take take.

He's taking the piss. You're going out of your way to help him with whatever this thing is, even eating into your weekends, and he's pissing on it. Seriously, stop putting up with that!! He's NOT a friend, he's a user! Stop calling it a friendship. He doesn't care about you one bit, and you're repeatedly letting him treat you like that??

When a man shows you who he is, BELIEVE HIM.

(Not just men, of course! If any 'friend' repeatedly uses you, disrespects you, cancels on you and makes promises they don't keep, at some point you have GOT to resolve not to take that shit anymore, stand up for yourself and tell them where to go!)

Reading the texts he sounds manipulative, and he uses guilt trips to make you feel like he has an urgent problem and only you can fix it. It would be worth learning to spot that technique in the early stages so you can put a stop to it before it goes any further.

I'd say you've made your point crystal clear to him. He can't not know how deeply upset you are about his behaviour. This must be the point of no return for you though. Don't go feeling bad or guilty if he comes back with sob stories. He knows full well he didn't pay you back. If you do want to stay friends on some level, money can be er ever be a part of that again now.

Make sure it costs you only £20 to know they're a CF.

If he messages again just simply say "send the money over you have my details." Then once it's done, block the cheeky fucker. I can't believe your still waitingb

If I were you I would switch tack a little now. Keep it very calm; keep it glacial, in fact.

And even if you do manage get your £20 back, why on earth would you want to continue being 'friends' with someone who treats you like this?

He had got addiction issues weed which is a drug,
What do you expect really,

Just say you are no longer going to lend money as you are seriously struggling money wise,
As you like to continue friendship and not put it into jeopardise this,

Like a lot of Addicts /emotional unstable people He is unreliable with money

Never lend money that you can't afford to lose.

He's using you. Pot heads are like that. Drop him

I've never borrowed money but often go to events where one person buys the tickets I have never forgotten to pay. I just can't understand how anyone can forget they owe money. Don't be a mug You sound too nice

The money has appeared in my account <faints>

I actually don't mind helping him out as I love what I do and it really would help him

In the long run it may well help him even more if you step right back and leave him to deal with his own choices, but after accepting so many of his ridiculous excuses in the past I get the distinct impression you'll soon be dealing with more

And when I asked if he was "into" cage fighting I didn't necessarily mean him doing it himself; even if he's interested in it this tells you a lot about the type he is, and IME it's best avoided

He only sent it because you have to help him with his thing (work, event, whatever outing thing it is).

You know that, right?