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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like an idiot (friend borrowing money)

118 replies

Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 09:43

There's a bit of backstory to this first but I'll try and keep it short.

I have a close friend who is terrible with money. He was/is addicted to weed and that came first. A few years ago I lent him a fair amount - to me - of money, but it was small amounts over time that built up and he kept promising to pay back the following week, then went silent come payday. Then he'd come back with an excuse as to why he was short again and ask for another £20/£30 and he'd promise to pay the lot back next payday. You can see where this is going, and he didn't.

At the time I was in a bad place with my MH, needed the friend, and hadn't realised just how much I had lent him.

Anyway we had a huge row and didn't speak for about a year, when he randomly got in touch, apologised and did in fact pay it all back and we became friends again about 18 months ago.

He hasn't asked for money again, until now. He's given up weed in the last few weeks, but mentioned he was tight for money because he bought his usual amount, smoked it all and then quit before payday.

The other day he texted and asked if I could spot him £20 until Wednesday - yesterday. It put me in an awkward position knowing what he did before, and my finances are tighter these days. But I messaged back saying I could, but I definitely needed it back Wednesday because of XYZ. He said absolutely, and promised it wouldn't be like before.

You guessed it, he hasn't paid.

I'm so annoyed with myself. I know it's only been a day and maybe he'll get in touch today and pay it, and although I won't starve losing £20 it's the broken promise that's upset me. I don't want to chase him, purely so I can see exactly what he thinks of our friendship. I'm half expecting responses here of 'just ask for it back' but honestly I think I need to see how this plays out and not prompt him. AIBU?

OP posts:
CleaningOutMyCloset · 16/02/2023 11:21

Have you asked him for the £20 back yet?

Catapultaway · 16/02/2023 11:21

Have you actually asked him for the money back? Some people are a nightmare and forgetful... If you talk on the phone all the time why wouldn't you just have said "I need that £20 by tomorrow remember"

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 16/02/2023 11:24

I would ring and say "hey can you transfer me that £20 back please while on your on the phone." If he says no never speak to him again. If he does, then get the money and never lend him again.

Yes your a mug for allowing yourself for this happen again. Learn your lesson op.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 11:29

Catapultaway · 16/02/2023 11:21

Have you actually asked him for the money back? Some people are a nightmare and forgetful... If you talk on the phone all the time why wouldn't you just have said "I need that £20 by tomorrow remember"

You can call this passive-aggressive or whatever, but I'm not going to ask him or remind him. He asked for the money on Monday, and promised to pay it back Wednesday when he got paid. He'll have known damn fine he got paid, and would have gone and bought food or tobacco or whatever yesterday. If he didn't think 'oh I've been paid, I owe Sparkl £20, better sort that,' then that's not the sort of friendship I want tbh.

Yeah, I'm giving him enough rope to hang himself I suppose but I've done the £5/week arrangement PP suggested before, and I've done the reminding him last time this happened. It was humiliating asking for just a fiver still getting excuses instead of the money. I'm not doing it again.

OP posts:
potniatheron · 16/02/2023 11:37

You've been a really good friend, given him a second chance and he's messed you around again. You seem like a kind hearted empthaetic person ad I'm sorry this has happened to you. He clearly doesn't give you respect you deserve, so time to call it a day on the friendship I'm afraid otherwise you're signalling that you will continue to be a soft touch for him.

ohfook · 16/02/2023 11:38

Ok you loaned him money before you knew better. Now you do know better, so don't beat yourself up about it, just make sure you stop loaning any more.

There's not a person on this board who hasn't at one point made a mistake that's cost them money (mine was an £800 'bargain' car!) so you're in good company.

Just practice your response so next time you're asked you have it ready.
'Ah sorry I'd love to help but I just can't'.
Don't give any extra info that he could negotiate with. Eg - I don't get paid until next week and he replies that he can wait until then.
If an awkward silence hangs in the air, let your friend fill it. It's just as awkward for them as it is for you and they created the situation.

I'm quite petty so after I'd said 'sorry I can't' I'd also add 'in fact I was really banking on the £20 you already owe to help tide me over.' But you may want to take a higher road than me!

RedHelenB · 16/02/2023 11:40

Why are you lending him money to waste on weed?
He's a user, he's not your friend ( unless he has lent you money in a similar way or done you other favours costing him time or money.
Yabu for not learning from your previous mistakes.

MelaniesFlowers · 16/02/2023 11:43

You can blame him all you want, but you’ve allowed this to happen.

You say you obviously won’t lend him money again, but that’s not obvious at all given your history.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 11:44

MelaniesFlowers · 16/02/2023 11:43

You can blame him all you want, but you’ve allowed this to happen.

You say you obviously won’t lend him money again, but that’s not obvious at all given your history.

I clearly said I'm annoyed at myself Confused

OP posts:
TurtleTriplets · 16/02/2023 11:48

I'm in the same situation with my sister, chasing for £20 which seems silly but it's not the money it's the principle.

I did eventually get the money back and less than a week later she asked for more. We are at the point now where I don't hear from her at all until she pops up and asks for money, I say no and that's it till next time. Maybe once or twice a week.

Doesn't even ask how I am or anything. Just hey, can you lend me £30?

I won't be lending her any more.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/02/2023 11:48

Don't make excuses, just say No when he next asks. You don't need to say why.

SnowCones · 16/02/2023 11:51

He is not your friend, you are vulnerable and he knows it. He is an addict, just stop being his friend.

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 11:55

You are probably not the only one he’s borrowed money from.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 12:55

Well his ears must have been burning. Got a text saying sorry he hasn't been in touch... he had... wait for it... Earache Confused

Waiting to see if he mentions the money. We've had a bit of a text conversation but all about his ear... Hmm He can be quite self-absorbed so he probably won't have thought about anything other than 'poor me!' and has forgotten.

OP posts:
endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 13:00

Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 12:55

Well his ears must have been burning. Got a text saying sorry he hasn't been in touch... he had... wait for it... Earache Confused

Waiting to see if he mentions the money. We've had a bit of a text conversation but all about his ear... Hmm He can be quite self-absorbed so he probably won't have thought about anything other than 'poor me!' and has forgotten.

So he was just checking in to see if you would mention the money. Which you didn’t. So now he thinks he’s ok not to pay it, if you needed the money you would have said so. I don’t understand why you are dragging it out, he doesn’t care so you’re only putting the negative energy on yourself.

FinallyHere · 16/02/2023 13:00

DO NOT LEND HIM ANY MORE MONEY!!!! £20 well spent.

Yeah. This.

endoftheworldniteclub · 16/02/2023 13:01

I’d make him pay it. Today.

ShakespearesBlister · 16/02/2023 13:03

You need to learn from the experience and stop letting him use you like this. I would never be lending to a friend like this. Incidentally there's often a co dependent thing involved in situations like this so maybe explore why it is that you seem to repeat this mistake even when you already know 100% that he's just going to mess you about. Are you being a rescuer to his drama? You don't need to wait and see to find out anymore because you already know nothing is going to change. Money must no longer be a part of the deal and I have to say you'll probably find he drops you pretty fast when he can't use you anymore.

Harlow19 · 16/02/2023 13:05

I hope this doesn’t come across mean and I know you have leant him money from the kindness of your heart but this is your fault OP (sorry) and he is taking advantage because you’re going to say yes.

Be completely honest, is this a true friend? Or does he just use you to talk about himself (you said he was self absorbed) and ask you for money.

I had a colleague who kept asking me for small amounts, until they owed me around £100. He did pay it back months later but now I say No, sorry I can’t. If they ask me again. You need to start saying no, moving forward you don’t lend to this person ever again. Ever

eggsandbaconeveryday · 16/02/2023 13:39

Write the £20 off and block him. He is no friend when he continually treats you badly

Dinkeigh · 16/02/2023 13:45

How long are you going to let it go on before you make a decision on whether he's a friend or not? Do you actually get anything from this friendship? Or does he just use you for loans? He would be getting told to fuck right off for letting me down all over again.

hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 14:08

Sorry I don't have any money.

Also, ditch this person he is a loser and a user.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/02/2023 14:43

I wonder how many more 'friends' he's borrowed money from. I couldn't be friends with a drug taking user like this

TaraMock · 19/02/2023 15:24

Did you get your money back @Sparklfairy?
I understand that you didn't want to remind again, especially as you've been through before. If it was me I don't think I could behave normally around them, now that you know how little they respect you. You specifically said that you needed the money on Wed, it's sad you didn't get it.

TangledWebOfDeception · 19/02/2023 15:31

Sparklfairy · 16/02/2023 09:57

I won't lend anymore, obviously. I guess I just hoped he'd changed. He didn't have to contact me out of the blue and pay the £££ he owed from before, and he hasn't asked since, until now.

PP was right saying £20 to learn a lesson is money well spent. I'm just so disappointed in him.

This is a really important life lesson, @Sparklfairy.

People like that don’t change. They really, really don’t.

Unless they have incredible strength, motivation and determination, they will always be exactly who they have already revealed themselves to be.

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