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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the watch would be left to him?

85 replies

Flamesbegin · 15/02/2023 21:45

I have 2 DC, DS 10 from a previous relationship and DD from my current DH.
Totally informal conversation between DH and our friends today about DH’s dad’s watch worth around 15k. DH said hopefully we have a boy next so he has someone to leave his watch to. Total emotional reaction from me was, well won’t my DS be left it, he’s the first born, DH replied instantly, he’s not my first born. It hurt me to hear that quite a bit, DH has been in DS’s life since he was two, been a very present, (seemingly) happy step parent and DS calls him Dad. DS has a very sporadic relationship with his bio Dad due to him living 3 hours away and him being a bit unpredictable, he does see him and enjoys the time he has with him, we have all come to terms with the sporadic nature of their relationship and get on with life.

I’m not a step-parent so obviously can’t fathom how this relationship really works in DH’s head but I’d always assumed he treats him as if he’s his own child and was happy with having a DS that may not be his but essential is.

He’s got DS interested in his hobbies and plants wee seeds of DS following in his career footsteps.
Trying to wrap my head around the fact the relationship I imagined in my head isn’t actually reality. It’s not about the value of watch, but the sentiment behind. I can’t help but feel DS would feel hurt if he knew how DH felt.

So genuinely, if you’re a step parent to DC you’ve been involved with for a long time and are a huge part of your life do your see them as yours or AIBU?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 21:47

Of course he would want to leave it to his own child.

MrsBunnyEars · 15/02/2023 21:47

I’m normally a blended families champion, but in this situation I can see your DH’s point.

Your son is not his son. However much he loves him, and however little difference it makes day to day, there is no blood link and that makes a difference for something sentimental like this.

TeddyBeans · 15/02/2023 21:49

Very gently, YABU. Your son isn't his son, heirlooms belong in the family line. Of course your son is important to him but it's not the same as having one of your own

hashbrownsandwich · 15/02/2023 21:50

As a mother in the same blended family dynamic as you, I have to say I agree with your DH in that I wouldn't expect your eldest child to inherit from your DH side.

GoodChat · 15/02/2023 21:51

It's a difficult one. I see why you're upset but I see why he would like to want to pass it down to his own biological child, especially as your DS does have a relationship with his dad.

GoldilockMom · 15/02/2023 21:52

Why isn’t it passed you your DD? She is his blood family?

007DoubleOSeven · 15/02/2023 21:52

Oh that's really hard to hear, op, I'm sorry.

I can totally understand both points of view. Yes, I think I'd expect it to be left to his birth child but it sounds like he's led you to- or allowed you to- believe that he doesn't feel any differently about your son as he does his birth child(ren) and to find out otherwise must be quite shocking. Flowers

CheeseandGherkins · 15/02/2023 21:52

Why isn't he planning on leaving it to dd? She is his first born. Why does it have to be a boy that gets the sentimental heirloom?

GoodChat · 15/02/2023 21:53

GoldilockMom · 15/02/2023 21:52

Why isn’t it passed you your DD? She is his blood family?

Because it's a men's watch

Iknownononono · 15/02/2023 21:53

He’s not his son.

My DH is very close to his stepdad and his mum isn’t on the scene. He sees him often, speaks often - great relationship. He doesn’t call him dad but it’s that kind of relationship. He was at our wedding but DH’s dad wasn’t. He has three biological son’s from his marriage prior to DH’s mum. DH is very aware that they come first to stepdad and he’s fine with that. It’s not a competition and he genuinely is not hurt or jealous at all. In fact, there are many benefits. Step-FIL was less strict with DH in his late teens/early 20s because the pressure wasn’t on him to worry about him doing well at uni or being financially responsible - they had more fun. They were better friends.

With a step relationship, there are pros and cons. The watch is one of the cons, but is it really that important?

BruceAndNosh · 15/02/2023 21:57

Even if your DH treats your DS as his son, the watch belongs to DH's father. And your son is not that man's grandson. The watch should be passed to DH Dad's grandson

Original poster
Flamesbegin · 15/02/2023 22:00

BruceAndNosh · 15/02/2023 21:57

Even if your DH treats your DS as his son, the watch belongs to DH's father. And your son is not that man's grandson. The watch should be passed to DH Dad's grandson

DH’s Dad has been dead for 15 years, but yes I see your point and all previous posters points. Can’t help but feel a bit sad about it though. I think it was the instant response that caught me off guard.

OP posts:
parietal · 15/02/2023 22:02

right now, when there is still a chance of a new DS, I guess your DH is thinking about that option.

If there is no new DS and in 20 years time, your DH has a good relationship with his DSS (your son), then maybe the watch would be left to him. Or to your DD.

Basically, no need to make a fuss about this - it is a long way off anyone inheriting.

Tothemoonandbackx · 15/02/2023 22:03

Just because it's a 'man's watch, doesn't mean it can't be passed down to the DD.

Original poster
Flamesbegin · 15/02/2023 22:04

Iknownononono · 15/02/2023 21:53

He’s not his son.

My DH is very close to his stepdad and his mum isn’t on the scene. He sees him often, speaks often - great relationship. He doesn’t call him dad but it’s that kind of relationship. He was at our wedding but DH’s dad wasn’t. He has three biological son’s from his marriage prior to DH’s mum. DH is very aware that they come first to stepdad and he’s fine with that. It’s not a competition and he genuinely is not hurt or jealous at all. In fact, there are many benefits. Step-FIL was less strict with DH in his late teens/early 20s because the pressure wasn’t on him to worry about him doing well at uni or being financially responsible - they had more fun. They were better friends.

With a step relationship, there are pros and cons. The watch is one of the cons, but is it really that important?

Not important, not at all. I think I just get a bit sad that DS is left in limbo, a Dad that he sees in person about 6 times a year and a step-dad that isn’t really his Dad. Should just be happy they have the relationship they do have, which has meant a great deal to DS.

OP posts:
FuriousAndFrustrated · 15/02/2023 22:11

GoodChat · 15/02/2023 21:53

Because it's a men's watch

Show quote history

No such thing as a men's watch, unless it's penis-operated. It might be of a size/design more typically chosen by men, but it's still just a watch.

I can totally understand why he doesn't want to leave it to his stepson. But it's ridiculous that he won't leave it to his daughter. Outdated misogynistic thinking.

GreyTS · 15/02/2023 22:15

Honestly? Hand on heart, my brother would leave it to his stepson, he's his dad, been in his life since he was 3 and 100% considers him his son. My parents forget sometimes that 2 of their children aren't technically ours' but that's us, so I understand why you are upset

Newmumatlast · 15/02/2023 22:16

Flamesbegin · 15/02/2023 22:04

Not important, not at all. I think I just get a bit sad that DS is left in limbo, a Dad that he sees in person about 6 times a year and a step-dad that isn’t really his Dad. Should just be happy they have the relationship they do have, which has meant a great deal to DS.

Show quote history

Completely understand this. Your son is your child and you love him so very much. So anything that you feel could cause him pain is very painful to you. Unfortunately this is the sort of thing that frequently happens with blended families. In an ideal world, parents would be in loving relationships with one another and be present in their child's life. But in reality that doesn't always happen. Your son is very lucky to have you and that he sees his Dad at all (though clearly his Dad could do more to see him more). He is also lucky to have his step dad - he could have noone like him present in his life.

I am a step parent. I have two biological children. I care greatly about my step child. I have not been in their life as long as your partner has in your son's, and she didn't live with me save for a couple of years as an adult, so it is different I appreciate. However, my will is written so that my assets go to my children and not to her. It may seem hurtful, I get that. But it isnt about my care for her. Its about my children only having me to take care of them and to leave anything to them. She has her own mum. I think it is different where a child has only ever grown up and known one mother or father figure who happens to be their step parent. But that isn't the case for me and isn't for your son. I personally feel it wouldn't be fair to my kids if I split my assets equally between all three because her mum isn't going to leave my kids anything. And my kids would then receive less because their parents are together. It doesn't make sense. My husband, to be clear, is leaving his assets equally between all of his children. I have explained the reasoning behind all of this to my step daughter so that she understands and she agreed with my approach. Perhaps when your son is older your husband can explain things to him so that he understands it and doesn't get the shock you have had, or think it is to do with love when it isnt its much more practical than that.

MagicCat83 · 15/02/2023 22:23

I get where you're coming from, but I also get why he would naturally leave his family heirlooms to his own blood relatives. Just the obvious thing to do, isn't it?

You could always create your own heirloom for your son if you wanted? Save a bit each month and buy him his own Rolex or whatever?

mum11970 · 16/02/2023 07:50

Your DH may well change his mind when your son is an adult, if they still have a strong relationship, but it’s too early to make any definite decisions yet. However much your DH loves your son and feels like his father, he isn’t his legal father and you could rip the child away at any time you please and he would have no say in the matter, which is totally different to a biological child. A step parent always knows deep down they could be shelved at point, no matter how close they are.

TrinnySmith · 16/02/2023 07:58

If you see it from DGF ‘s point of view it is going to a non relative he doesn’t know - presuming he has already passed.

America12 · 16/02/2023 08:11

I don't understand why your daughter can't have it ?
Also , what if you never have a son ? @Flamesbegin

jeaux90 · 16/02/2023 08:15

I'd be pissed off if I was his DD. Plenty of women like wearing chunky 'mens' watches.

Brefugee · 16/02/2023 08:16

The only person who might be pissed off here is DD. And i would point this out to my DH in case he is being sexist to his own daughter.

Family heirlooms stay in the family, and as much as we may love our step-children/step-parents that isn't what family heirlooms are for. Generally. Some families are different.

Figmentof · 16/02/2023 08:17

I don’t have children or step children, but if I did and had a family heirloom, I am absolutely sure that I would want it to go to a child rather than a stepchild. What I find most annoying about your husbands attitude is that a watch cannot go to a daughter.