To think the watch would be left to him?

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I have 2 DC, DS 10 from a previous relationship and DD from my current DH.
Totally informal conversation between DH and our friends today about DH’s dad’s watch worth around 15k. DH said hopefully we have a boy next so he has someone to leave his watch to. Total emotional reaction from me was, well won’t my DS be left it, he’s the first born, DH replied instantly, he’s not my first born. It hurt me to hear that quite a bit, DH has been in DS’s life since he was two, been a very present, (seemingly) happy step parent and DS calls him Dad. DS has a very sporadic relationship with his bio Dad due to him living 3 hours away and him being a bit unpredictable, he does see him and enjoys the time he has with him, we have all come to terms with the sporadic nature of their relationship and get on with life.

I’m not a step-parent so obviously can’t fathom how this relationship really works in DH’s head but I’d always assumed he treats him as if he’s his own child and was happy with having a DS that may not be his but essential is.

He’s got DS interested in his hobbies and plants wee seeds of DS following in his career footsteps.
Trying to wrap my head around the fact the relationship I imagined in my head isn’t actually reality. It’s not about the value of watch, but the sentiment behind. I can’t help but feel DS would feel hurt if he knew how DH felt.

So genuinely, if you’re a step parent to DC you’ve been involved with for a long time and are a huge part of your life do your see them as yours or AIBU?

one of the many reasons why i will never ever blend families

I don’t want any other child getting a penny of my money other than my children (and any possible grandchild)

I have no children. I inherited my mother’s engagement ring. I have no nieces either. I will leave my mother’s ring and mine to my nephew. Given what my wedding ring symbolises I would rather be buried/cremated with it on as my mother was.

Will her tits fall off if she wears it?! Don’t be ridiculous, of course she could still wear it, but having been born female, she’s expected to stand aside with grace and be happy her brother is given 15k over her.

Because men’s watches generally have a much bigger face than ladies, and women’s wrists are generally much slighter

my brother’s watch looks ridiculous on my pencil wrist

Your son being left in limbo is the fault of his actual dad.

It’s just a watch. Mayb try to get a family heirloom from your side that is earmarked for you son? Have you inherited anything from grandparents etc?

Can your dh get a watch to give to your son for his 18th or 21st so he has a family watch as well? Ie. Create a new family heirloom?

If there is more than one child then all things being equal, the watch should be sold if it is an appreciating asset.. My mum raised this the other day, that she wanted to sell her valuable engagement ring now, to share the money between me and my sisters. It is a gorgeous ring and still fits her - I asked her to keep it and trust us to do the right and fair thing with all her jewellery, hopefully in the distant future!

So? I've worn plenty of men's watches. Depends on the watch, not the really clunky ones. I've got fairly sturdy wrists though.

Tbh it’s a daft thing to be talking about at this point.

Your DS is 10. Your DH has been around him 8 years and his own dad is around.

In 20/30/40 years things could easily be vastly different. Either in a better or worse way.

Such a fixed and unquestioning patriarchal view. Very off putting.

I'd be damn hurt. I understand what other people are saying but if that's not the step family dynamic you believed you had then I totally get why you'd feel like you would be reevaluating everything.

On top of that if I accepted it was reasonable he wouldn't leave it to the eldest child of the family I'd be livid at the rampant sexism that he wasn't leaving the darn thing to his first born.

You dont wear a watch on a penis.

Informal chat with friends about who gets an expensive watch? Bull shit.

I understand him not wanting to leave it to a child that’s not biologically his, but why the fuck can’t he leave it to his daughter?

I hate sexist, misogynistic family heirloom crap. Same with names. I kept my own family name.

I know of a wealthy beef farming family that the single boy among six children, was the only one sent to private school. And he just took on the farm (as was his ‘destiny’) and is a lazy sod. I group all this behaviour together. Sexist.

I think the fact it was DH’s dads watch is very relevant. He died before your DS was even born. He never knew him or you. It’s entirely reasonable that it goes down the line to his grandson. It’s just how heirlooms work. And ignore the people trying to stir the pot saying it’s sexist, mens watches absolutely do exist. I hate wearing my husband’s watch, it’s massive and cumbersome when I’m used to something smaller

I'm a step child in a blended family and although we really are all one family and I adored my (step) grandma and she treated me as her own, but her own grandchildren received things from her when she died and I didn't which was right. She did leave us the same money though.

I have a watch from my grandpa which my mum gave to my son, not my daughter. This is fine, he's the first born grandson and it's a man's watch. Obviously that shouldn't be an issue but actually, I am totally fine with it.

Op, is this really about the watch or about your DH wanting a son because he doesn't see your DS as his own?

I appreciate my reply was from the poverty of a mother and not a step parent.

But as a woman you are allowed to have separate thoughts about a situation, and those feeling are equally valid.

That would upset me too OP.

Personally I'd sell the watch and leave money to all dcs, but I'm not sentimental about these things.

I hate this patronising "gently" business. It's like saying "with respect", it means the opposite.

Actually perhaps worse than not wanting to leave the watch to his stepson is the fact that your daughter together is overlooked as a recipient. What if you only have daughters together? What happens then?

I really understand your point. For me, It isnt about the watch but how hurt your son could be with these views from someone who he very much views as his dad, (he even calls him that) and who has taken that role on.

I absolutely understand why you would feel hurt, I would assume it is because it was his father's and so he would want it for his own son as there would be a blood link amd from that perspective it seems understandable

I was your DS in this situation. Little to no contact with my biological father and my DSD brought me up from age 3 and I called him Dad, although he never formally adopted me. Later on an inheritance went to my half-siblings and it has created a quiet divide between us.

I personally wouldn't have had a problem with my DSD's mother's ring going to my sister, but then I received a lovely ring from my maternal grandmother. If I were in your situation, I would be thinking jointly about what special items you might pass on to each child in the family, so there isn't a disparity.

If you do have another girl, what is he thinking of doing with the watch then? If he wants to specify, he should think about the situation now rather than hypotheticals. His wishes can always be altered after any future children.

Why wouldn't it go to the DD? It could then perhaps be worn by one of her sons if she didn't like it herself.

We wouldn't have gotten very far along with any inheritance if things could be only passed down to men.

Lots to unpick here but I agree it would be for your DH to choose who it goes to, as his heirloom, and I can't blame him for wanting to support his own children. Your DS could in theory inherit from his biological father?

Well said, although I agree with everyone else re DD (although maybe he would want the child to wear it, and that's the reasoning)

I am really sorry, but YABU.