To think the watch would be left to him?

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I have 2 DC, DS 10 from a previous relationship and DD from my current DH.
Totally informal conversation between DH and our friends today about DH’s dad’s watch worth around 15k. DH said hopefully we have a boy next so he has someone to leave his watch to. Total emotional reaction from me was, well won’t my DS be left it, he’s the first born, DH replied instantly, he’s not my first born. It hurt me to hear that quite a bit, DH has been in DS’s life since he was two, been a very present, (seemingly) happy step parent and DS calls him Dad. DS has a very sporadic relationship with his bio Dad due to him living 3 hours away and him being a bit unpredictable, he does see him and enjoys the time he has with him, we have all come to terms with the sporadic nature of their relationship and get on with life.

I’m not a step-parent so obviously can’t fathom how this relationship really works in DH’s head but I’d always assumed he treats him as if he’s his own child and was happy with having a DS that may not be his but essential is.

He’s got DS interested in his hobbies and plants wee seeds of DS following in his career footsteps.
Trying to wrap my head around the fact the relationship I imagined in my head isn’t actually reality. It’s not about the value of watch, but the sentiment behind. I can’t help but feel DS would feel hurt if he knew how DH felt.

So genuinely, if you’re a step parent to DC you’ve been involved with for a long time and are a huge part of your life do your see them as yours or AIBU?

I'd be more concerned that your DD can't have it. Did your DH promise you that he'd never think of your DS as different to his bio child before you got pregnant? If he's breaking promises, then he's out of order. When thinking about wills etc just remember that your DS might lose out if he isn't inheriting from your side.

I (female) have and wear a men’s Rolex (gifted) will be left to my son however wouldn’t think twice if leaning to daughter had we had one

DD’s still usually take the husbands surname so it can seem that things would move out of the family. Fair or not.

well won’t my DS be left it, he’s the first born, DH replied instantly, he’s not my first born.
But his first born is being overlooked because of her genitals. I just say if my “friends” said something like this in casual conversation I would pull him up on his misogyny. Poor DD.

I get both sides. Like some other posters the only view I don't understand at all is why it can't be given to your daughter. If I was your husband's oldest biological child and my younger brother got given this watch I'd be hurt, probably angry. If my older brother got given it, even though he was my dad's step child I don't think I would be.

IMO it should be given to your daughter as his first born. I can see why you’re upset but the blood is thicker than water thing obviously holds weight with your DH.

I too am furious on your son's behalf! I would have reacted emotionally as you say you did. I'm quite surprised that isn't the response of a lot more people on here tbh.

OP, your husband's mindset (albeit in a very very smaller way) is similar to the case I read about yesterday. Man dies and leaves his million pound inheritance to his two sons. nothing to his wife of 66 years, or his four daughters. He, apparently, only wanted the male line to inherit. I agree a religious/cultural thinking maybe. Luckily the court decided it was wrong.

I have two daughters and the thought that anything I left didn't go to them because they are female makes me despair.

Have you pointed out the unfairness to your OH regarding the fact he's ignoring your daughter?

It sounds like he’s done an amazing job of being a step parent. It’s hurtful to hear he doesn’t consider your DS as his own son, but unless he formally adopted him I think he’s allowed to feel that way. You can’t change the way he feels.

I don’t think it means he doesn’t love your son, it’s a heirloom and so I can understand his thoughts. But I’d be asking him why dd wouldn’t be getting it

So what?

Unless it's a watch that you wear on a penis then you should be upset on your daughter's behalf.

And as for someone saying a daughter might take her husband's name so won't be part of the family any more. WTAF??

I completely agree with you OP. Day to day life should completely override blood. Blood is actually meaningless to me. The fact that his instant thought was to default to the bloodline rather than the reality of your family would be a shock for you. I also agree with posters about the daughter! It's a watch, there's nothing male-specific in inheriting it.

It is not misogynistic to not leave it to the daughter. For a start we have no idea what provision has been made for the daughter.
When my mum died I inherited her wedding ring, engagement ring and eternity ring. She didn't leave a will. My dad gave them to me. My brother got some money with which he bought himself a piece of jewellery to remember her. Is that sexist as well?

I can't profess to know how a step parent does or should feel about a step child, but I can only imagine it will be very hurtful for your son to one day realise the man he (I assume, from your posts) views as his father didn't view him as his son.

I hope your husband at least intends for your existing son and daughter to have extra cash to match the value of the watch left for them?

I can see why you've been taken aback by this but in all fairness, your DS is not his blood DS.
I would absolutely be angry that your DD wouldn't be first in line for it!
I have several items and pieces of jewellery that belonged to my dad. Just because I might not wear them is irrelevant!

Most people are really careful about where family heirlooms go. I have a ring that’s only been passed down the female line for a reason.

Though went from my great grandmother to her daughter in law (my Nana) because my great grandmother had no daughters.

Things change. Your dh may change his mind depending on how his relationship develops with ds.

My dp is a great step parent, I would never refer to my eldest as ‘our first born’. I would expect dp to give a family heirloom to a child that wasn’t his.

I also don’t get why a mens watch couldn’t be given to the dd though either.

I have three DSC who I love very much, I have been involved with the youngest since he was 3. I have my own DD too. I don't love the DSC less but it is a different love. I won't get much or any inheritance but I have said that what I do get will then latterly pass solely to my DD not to the DSC. I know that's what my parents would want (although they have a good relationship with DSC).

When my mum died I inherited her wedding ring, engagement ring and eternity ring. She didn't leave a will. My dad gave them to me. My brother got some money with which he bought himself a piece of jewellery to remember her. Is that sexist as well?

in your brothers shoes? yeah, I'd have probably wanted one of the rings and if my mum did that I'd probably offer him the choice of which he wanted and i keep 2. Or something.

Lucky you're not my brother then he wasn't the slightest bit offended and he wears the piece of jewellery he bought all the time.

I am a step mum and I have 2 children with my husband. My will states that all of my jewellery be left to my biological children. I feel that they should have the bracelet from my grandmother, the ring from my mum and my wedding rings. My step daughter should inherit that from her own mum.

Good grief OP

my firstborn is MY first born and no other child will ever ever be MY first born.

He is yours and your ex’s. Period

I would expect a man's watch to be passed to a son in the same way I expect women's jewellery to be passed to a daughter.

this "penis operated" nonsense is just dumb in this respect.

Lucky you're not my brother then he wasn't the slightest bit offended and he wears the piece of jewellery he bought all the time.

and that is also fine. Nothing to be "offended" about. When my dad died there were things of his that related to shared experiences with me. My mum offered them all to my brother ("men" things) and he pointed out a few things that I'd probably like. No offence taken or given.

Every family is different. But we should also challenge ideas about "this must go to my first born son" as though any daughters that come before that are chopped liver. If it's a watch that the grandfather bought, it's not exactly an heirloom as such, although they may may want to start a tradition of passing the watch to boys. Which is fine, as long as they aren't ignoring the girls, and have provision for what if one doesn't have a son, would a step-son be acceptable.

Maybe in asking "why not DD" the DH might have a lightbulb moment and say - oh yeah, of course she could have it. Or "she can have x, y, z - we want this to be a tradition for the male line".

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. He’s accepted your son as his own, treats him as his own.

He’s still totally right that a family heirloom should be passed from father to son - ie biological son. Don’t let this distract from what sounds like a wonderful family dynamic.