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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the watch would be left to him?

85 replies

Flamesbegin · 15/02/2023 21:45

I have 2 DC, DS 10 from a previous relationship and DD from my current DH.
Totally informal conversation between DH and our friends today about DH’s dad’s watch worth around 15k. DH said hopefully we have a boy next so he has someone to leave his watch to. Total emotional reaction from me was, well won’t my DS be left it, he’s the first born, DH replied instantly, he’s not my first born. It hurt me to hear that quite a bit, DH has been in DS’s life since he was two, been a very present, (seemingly) happy step parent and DS calls him Dad. DS has a very sporadic relationship with his bio Dad due to him living 3 hours away and him being a bit unpredictable, he does see him and enjoys the time he has with him, we have all come to terms with the sporadic nature of their relationship and get on with life.

I’m not a step-parent so obviously can’t fathom how this relationship really works in DH’s head but I’d always assumed he treats him as if he’s his own child and was happy with having a DS that may not be his but essential is.

He’s got DS interested in his hobbies and plants wee seeds of DS following in his career footsteps.
Trying to wrap my head around the fact the relationship I imagined in my head isn’t actually reality. It’s not about the value of watch, but the sentiment behind. I can’t help but feel DS would feel hurt if he knew how DH felt.

So genuinely, if you’re a step parent to DC you’ve been involved with for a long time and are a huge part of your life do your see them as yours or AIBU?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 16/02/2023 10:00

To me it is a personal item for him to do what he wants with, same as if I had a personal thing to me my husband has no right to tell me what I should do with that (step parenting or not, not in my case)

Posters can cry sexism all they want bur it is only up to the person with the watch what they do

There are lots of precious things I know of like jewellery that is handed down to daughters and other things from father to sons

If people want to suck all joy out of life and dictate 'that person has to do what i say because I am right' thati up to them (I am speaking people in general)

But I think it's simpler to create a check list to cover all the labels 'sexist yes or no ? tick here' next! what else do we have to cover?

Wishimaywishimight · 16/02/2023 10:04

FuriousAndFrustrated · 15/02/2023 22:11

No such thing as a men's watch, unless it's penis-operated. It might be of a size/design more typically chosen by men, but it's still just a watch.

I can totally understand why he doesn't want to leave it to his stepson. But it's ridiculous that he won't leave it to his daughter. Outdated misogynistic thinking.

Show quote history

I agree completely with @FuriousAndFrustrated (love the username by the way!!).

Love the idea of a 'penis-operated' watch too 😁

AioliandChips · 16/02/2023 10:17

Just because it's a 'man's watch, doesn't mean it can't be passed down to the DD

My brother passed down his quite expensive watch to my daughter. She wears it. I can confirm it still works on a female wrist.

Brefugee · 16/02/2023 10:27

We wouldn't have gotten very far along with any inheritance if things could be only passed down to men.

well, that is why we have the royal family we have, and why Mr & Mrs Bennett needed to get their daughters married off well, isn't it?

Posters can cry sexism all they want bur it is only up to the person with the watch what they do

but it is sexist. The DH just needs to own it. If he wants to pass his watch to a son, and never has one what then? does the DD begrudgingly get it, and told to pass it to her son? and if she doesn't have one? Or does DS magically turn into the son the DH never had?

It is always worth thinking about why we do the things we do, especially when they are "tradition". And it is ok to have traditions, and it is ok for things to go to the boys, or the girls, or the seventh son of a seventh son. But often there is zero reason for these things outside "it's always been done like that" and it's good to think if we want to buy into that or not. Which is why i got a rotozipper and my brother got a sword.

WandaWonder · 16/02/2023 10:45

Brefugee · 16/02/2023 10:27

We wouldn't have gotten very far along with any inheritance if things could be only passed down to men.

well, that is why we have the royal family we have, and why Mr & Mrs Bennett needed to get their daughters married off well, isn't it?

Posters can cry sexism all they want bur it is only up to the person with the watch what they do

but it is sexist. The DH just needs to own it. If he wants to pass his watch to a son, and never has one what then? does the DD begrudgingly get it, and told to pass it to her son? and if she doesn't have one? Or does DS magically turn into the son the DH never had?

It is always worth thinking about why we do the things we do, especially when they are "tradition". And it is ok to have traditions, and it is ok for things to go to the boys, or the girls, or the seventh son of a seventh son. But often there is zero reason for these things outside "it's always been done like that" and it's good to think if we want to buy into that or not. Which is why i got a rotozipper and my brother got a sword.

Why does he have to 'own it'?

He has made a decision to do something with something he owns and to give to who he wants

It is only on here that people are turning into some great big saga

Armchair experts at the ready

Dinkleberg · 16/02/2023 10:49

I can see why you're upset but, gently, YABU. Of course your DH wants his own child to have the watch. That doesn't mean he doesn't love your son. But he isn't his father.

Although your DD is his, correct? So he already has a first born? Seems a bit sexist to only leave it to male offspring.

ThreeLittleDots · 16/02/2023 10:53

To be completely fair (and unless he has other items worth 15K each to individually distribute) the watch would be left to all of his children equally, and that definitely includes the people who he is happy to call him Dad.

Brefugee · 16/02/2023 11:14

He has made a decision to do something with something he owns and to give to who he wants

because if he'd unthinkingly just giving it to "his first born son" and totally ignoring his DD because she's a girl? he can do what he likes but he should admit to outdated sexist thinking. That's all.
It is neither here nor there what he does with his stuff, but he shouldn't hide his thinking either.

Icedlatteplease · 16/02/2023 11:20

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 16/02/2023 09:01

Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. He’s accepted your son as his own, treats him as his own.

He’s still totally right that a family heirloom should be passed from father to son - ie biological son. Don’t let this distract from what sounds like a wonderful family dynamic.

His one son would inherit the watch. The OPs DH has made it clear he does not think of him as his own.

I wouldn't call any man you overlooks an actual "firstborn" female child in favour a hypothetically boy child a wonderful man.

I don't consider rampant sexism a wonderful family dynamic either.

ApolloandDaphne · 16/02/2023 11:24

Your DD could get it. I have my dad's watch. I asked for it after he died and my DB didn't want it.

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