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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with this most important child bullshit

95 replies

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 15/02/2023 21:32

I've just spent the day with my brother, mum, dc and niblings. On the next generation down there are my 2 DSs, who don't have "our" family name. My brothers DS and DDs who do have our name.

Nearly everytime we spend time together my brother will start going on about how his DS is the "most important" because he's the only one who can carry on the family name. WTF? I was always told that I was less important than my brothers because my name "wasn't really mine" and it was so hurtful. If I say it was hurtful I get told it was just a joke.

I've got (had) a friend who was always told he had to have dc as he was the only one to carry on his family name. He often spoke about how much he struggled with that message, especially as he never had children. Sadly he died last year so never will.

I'm just so fed up with this message being pushed that any one child is more important than the others just because of a name. Not to mention that nephew might not have DC/ change his name or the girls might marry someone who takes their name/ have children without being married.

It's just crap isn't it?

This is all said in front of the dc as well so they are absorbing the message.

And before anyone asks why my DC don't have my surname, it's because it never actually mattered to me (probably because i was always told it wasn't my name.) They don't have their dads either. They have their own totally unique name. Maybe that makes them more important than anyone else everWink
And while it didn't matter to me its still annoying/hurtful to be told my dc are less than any others.

Hopefully that all makes sense. I just needed to vent!

OP posts:
Callisto1 · 15/02/2023 21:39

This kind of stuff would annoy me too! I don't think I would tolerate it honestly around my kids. Misogyny is not really funny.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 15/02/2023 21:40

Is your brother Henry VIII?

Ludo19 · 15/02/2023 21:41

I think it's lovely to give your kids a unique name. Your brother sounds like a twat.

Johnnysgirl · 15/02/2023 21:41

What are niblings?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 15/02/2023 21:43

Curious about your DC surname if it's neither parent

Your brother sounds like a sexist arsehole

Thelnebriati · 15/02/2023 21:44

Mercilessly take the mickey out of him every time he does it.
''Yes our parents will have someone to leave the castle and titles to, thanks to you. Long live The Patriarchy.''

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 21:44

I get the same from my DF, it’s so boring and pathetic.

DangerNoodles · 15/02/2023 21:45

It's so cringe when people (men) are like this about thier family name. There are 8 billion people in the world, the average person's last name means sweet fuck all in the grand scheme of things.

I would have to call him out on it each and every time he made a comment.

confettipig · 15/02/2023 21:46

Your brother sounds extremely immature (and insecure) to even be thinking like that. Lol. Poor him.

FenghuangHoyan · 15/02/2023 21:46

Your brother is a dick. My brother in law is pretty similar and he's a complete dick.

His child is no more important than any other and your family name is utterly unimportant. His son may well turn out to never have children for any number of reasons, even if it did matter, which it doesn't.

I went through a stage of worrying if my DNA would endure or if it would end with me and then thought that it really doesn't matter as I'm going to be dead anyway and eventually we all will be.

Main point is, your brother is a dick.😁

wnaksr · 15/02/2023 21:47

Bizarre

Itisbetter · 15/02/2023 21:47

In my experience women carry the family culture forwards. Name means little.

angelikacpickles · 15/02/2023 21:48

Johnnysgirl · 15/02/2023 21:41

What are niblings?

Nieces and nephews. But I think you knew that.

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 15/02/2023 21:49

Family names are weird aren’t they - in reality it means absolutely nothing at all for most people. I’m a ‘last in the line’ the family name does with me.

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 15/02/2023 21:50

*dies

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/02/2023 21:50

How ridiculous of them all - your parents and your brother.

Id take the piss out of them mercilessly as a pp suggests and get your DH to join in. Or just don’t see them, which might be my preferred course of action.

One of my parents’ friends told me (why, I don’t know) when I was an older teen that he told his daughter one day she wouldn’t have the family name but his DIL would. Understandably his Dd had been upset - which he also weirdly told me. Thought he was a nob at the time!

Original poster
ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 15/02/2023 21:51

Oh I'm glad people don't think I'm over reacting, I was worried. He's definitely a twat! There are approximately 4000 people with our name, so he's not the only one. Obviously we aren't related to them all, and he's the only one on our 'branch' , my cousins all only have daughters too.

@Johnnysgirl nieces and nephews.

I think it hurts more because their dad more or less dropped them when he married his wife and had more dc. Their paternal grandmother told them they weren't real grandchildren because they were born out of wedlock!

For those asking about the name, it's a fusion of their dads, mine and my mums. (They had their dads and then changed it as soon as they were allowed)

OP posts:
Gossipxox · 15/02/2023 21:54

My dad was gutted I didn’t give my daughter ‘our family’ surname. I absolutely hate it no one can spell it and my daughter already had a first name that will be constantly spelt wrong. And she has her dads name he’s her dad that’s her surname. But regardless names don’t matter really do they, doesn’t make a child any less important your brother is being a dick tell him to shove his name up his arse 😊

Youraccountisnolongervalid · 15/02/2023 21:54

Aw that’s lovely of your kid’s choosing their name like that - I really hope your nephew takes his partners name 😁

Tothemoonandbackx · 15/02/2023 21:56

Not the point of your post, but I'd never heard the term niblings before, that is so cute, I'm going to start using it 🥰

Johnnysgirl · 15/02/2023 21:57

nieces and nephews
Thanks.

Sugaspunsista · 15/02/2023 22:00

Piss him off by pretending that you took his point so seriously that you and your husband and children have all decided to change your surnames to your original one 😉

lanbro · 15/02/2023 22:02

How ridiculous! My dc don't have my maiden name, nor does my nephew, so our name will end with my dsis, unless she marries at some point. It's never been mentioned, and it's a rubbish message to send to kids

TortillaChipAddict · 15/02/2023 22:04

Argh this sort of thing drives me nuts. My grandparents (Mum's side) tried to get my brother to double-barrel his surname with theirs so that his children could have the family name as all their other grandchildren are female. Also, when I turned 18 I got £50 in a card (which I was very grateful for, don't get me wrong), so did my sister, but he got taken out for dinner in a London club. I have always felt less than.

gogohmm · 15/02/2023 22:05

Not sure if his DD's age but that would have been very annoying to my DD's from about age 12 onwards, it assumes they won't keep their name or pass it on to children