To be fed up with this most important child bullshit

[ThisThreadCouldOutMe]

I've just spent the day with my brother, mum, dc and niblings. On the next generation down there are my 2 DSs, who don't have "our" family name. My brothers DS and DDs who do have our name.

Nearly everytime we spend time together my brother will start going on about how his DS is the "most important" because he's the only one who can carry on the family name. WTF? I was always told that I was less important than my brothers because my name "wasn't really mine" and it was so hurtful. If I say it was hurtful I get told it was just a joke.

I've got (had) a friend who was always told he had to have dc as he was the only one to carry on his family name. He often spoke about how much he struggled with that message, especially as he never had children. Sadly he died last year so never will.

I'm just so fed up with this message being pushed that any one child is more important than the others just because of a name. Not to mention that nephew might not have DC/ change his name or the girls might marry someone who takes their name/ have children without being married.

It's just crap isn't it?

This is all said in front of the dc as well so they are absorbing the message.

And before anyone asks why my DC don't have my surname, it's because it never actually mattered to me (probably because i was always told it wasn't my name.) They don't have their dads either. They have their own totally unique name. Maybe that makes them more important than anyone else ever
And while it didn't matter to me its still annoying/hurtful to be told my dc are less than any others.

Hopefully that all makes sense. I just needed to vent!

I bet he’s saying it because of the name you gave your kids. It’s still quite an unusual thing to do, so I reckon he thinks he’s found something that winds you up, so he keeps doing it.

I mean it’s immature as fuck. But I reckon that’s why.

I don't know that.

It sounds like hubster and holibobs.

Why do you assume she knew that?

The family name thing is all about the cock. It's a deeply misogynist tedious throwback to women being men's property

I hate the whole oh you must carry on the family name malarkey? For what reason? A name dosnt make a family. Just in my household we have 3 different surnames, still a family it's a load of old tosh! It's that's the case 2 members of the family aren't important because they've not got the family name. 🥱

Jesus - I really did think that had died in the 80s.

For the sake of your nieces and your own kids challenge it every time, but take the piss so you don’t get upset

Oh don’t be insane DB mum and dad said that crap to me but me and my partner have our kids a whole new name, maybe dneph will do that or dns will give their kids their names

oh don’t be so uptight and Victorian DB, it’s embarrassing, dnephew and his partner will probably double barrel their name. He isn’t stuck in the Stone Age like you.

It’s actually a really nasty bit of misogyny from your brother - willing to put his daughters down to make himself feel superior (clearly you aren’t the only one hurt by your parents), but the best way to deal with it is rip. the. piss. He’s embarrassing, don’t take him seriously, point it out.

I'm astounded. I thought that people stopped caring some time following the end of the Tudor dynasty.

Thanks everyone.

Sadly he doesn't do it to wind me up, he genuinely believes it. According to my mum it doesn't matter that some children are more important than others, it's just the way it is

I argue it everytime because there is no way I'm letting my nieces grow up thinking they are less than their brother. Interestingly when he said it today my nephew actually said "I don't even want to get married and have children. I just want to live with [my ds2] And play pokemon everyday"

I'm actually going to change my name to match DCs. My mum said there was no point doing that either because "you'll get married and change it again one day". Unlikely. I'm really rather happy to be single!

My niece is in her 20s and says she'll never change her surname. She says if she gets married, she's keeping her name & if her husband wants to change to it that's fine. I think a lot of people these days think along those lines.

Was once chatting to someone at a party and they started on about not having anyone to carry on the family name blah blah. Their family name was Smith and they seemed bemused when I laughed 😂😂😂

I've never heard that before! Thought it was a typo! Still not convinced...

You can see what he is saying. Your kids don't, as a matter of fact, carry the family name. You opted into a new family name when you "took" your husband's name (branded yourself as his property)

Not saying he isn't an arse for going on about it. But it is true - your kids do have a different name. It is just that it doesn't matter.

@MagicCat83 But I haven't taken anyone else's name! I've got the one I've always had.

And no, I can't see what he's saying. A name doesn't make any child more or less important than any other child.

Not more or less important, no. But factually, some are carrying on the family name and others are not. That is a fact. How much importance you ascribe to that is up to you. He ascribes a lot, maybe you a little. That's just personal preference.

Well yes, factually some people carry on a family name. Some carry on another family name. I never disputed that.
If my brother had said "my children will although I'd say might) carry on our name and yours won't" I'd have agreed and wouldn't have needed to start a thread.

The whole point is that I'm being told (as are the DC) that 1 of the 5 of them matters more than the others. That can be damaging to all of them.

Let's say that's all the case. What would you like us all to say or do?

I just wanted to add that people in other countries when they marry, the woman doesn’t adopt the husband’s surname and continues with her maiden names. Basically she doesn’t lose her identity imo.

Bear in mind that in Spanish culture there are 2 surnames. One from the dad and one from the mum.

Recent laws accept that the order in which they are place can be reversed.

As an example:

I am a woman named Josefina Pérez García and I marry a man named Juan Moreno López. I would keep my full name as is even after being married.

If we were to have children, and I would have a boy ie. He would be named José Moreno Pérez.

Now the order can be changed and put the mum’s surname first:
José Perez Moreno
If it was a girl, the order could be changed too. It doesn’t matter as long as both parents agree to it.

So this thing is completely obsolete and out of order.

I don't know what you mean?
If what was the case?

I don't want you to say anything in particular unless you have an opinion on the original post. Which wasn't about the fact that some children have 1 surname and some have another. It was about the bullshit (imo) of actively telling 1 child he is more important than the others.

@Thereislightattheendofthetunnel I actually really like the Spanish way of doing it. Although I would have potentially ended up with an 18 letter surname!

All this legacy family name stuff is crap anyway but biologically it doesn't even make sense for men to view children as their legacy as they can never be certain of their parentage, while women can. Just goes to show the lengths patriarchy goes to deny any sense of logic or common sense (long ago when setting these systems up before DNA).

Your brother is a sexist arsehole

Your family is seriously screwed up.

If you really want to piss them all off, change your children's surname to a double barreled one.

He's 100% a twat

Name your child whatever you and the dad agrees on. Don't do something and moan, if it's important give your child their name, or make up and last name and give them that. How can you let someone bother you in front of kids if you don't care

He's a dick.

Names can be changed easily.

Does he realise his children have NONE of his mitochondrial DNA? It is entirely inherited virtually unchanged down the female line.

It doesn't matter whether his children are male of female they have inherited it from their mother.

If you have a daughter she has your mtDNA that she can pass on to her children and it is the same as yours and her grandmothers and great grandmother all the way back to when we first walked out of Africa.

Thinking about the Spanish naming there are other conventions.

In the Arab world women keep their own name until they have a son, the son is given a name followed by his father's and then his grandfathers (sorry I'm not sure about girls) but mum then changes her surname tot he equivalent of 'Mother of X'

In Pakistan a woman takes the surname Begum when she marries.

People of Pakistani or Bangladeshi heritage usually use British naming conventions in the UK which is why you now get men with the surname Begum.

Point out that your children are more important as they're carrying on your family's mitochondrial DNA. What a twat.

Your brother is absolute tool.
His son may never have children - either through choice, or infertility, his or his partners's.
His son may be gay.
He really hasn't much else going on his brain of his life is this is something he brings up regularly!