To be fed up with this most important child bullshit

[ThisThreadCouldOutMe]

I've just spent the day with my brother, mum, dc and niblings. On the next generation down there are my 2 DSs, who don't have "our" family name. My brothers DS and DDs who do have our name.

Nearly everytime we spend time together my brother will start going on about how his DS is the "most important" because he's the only one who can carry on the family name. WTF? I was always told that I was less important than my brothers because my name "wasn't really mine" and it was so hurtful. If I say it was hurtful I get told it was just a joke.

I've got (had) a friend who was always told he had to have dc as he was the only one to carry on his family name. He often spoke about how much he struggled with that message, especially as he never had children. Sadly he died last year so never will.

I'm just so fed up with this message being pushed that any one child is more important than the others just because of a name. Not to mention that nephew might not have DC/ change his name or the girls might marry someone who takes their name/ have children without being married.

It's just crap isn't it?

This is all said in front of the dc as well so they are absorbing the message.

And before anyone asks why my DC don't have my surname, it's because it never actually mattered to me (probably because i was always told it wasn't my name.) They don't have their dads either. They have their own totally unique name. Maybe that makes them more important than anyone else ever
And while it didn't matter to me its still annoying/hurtful to be told my dc are less than any others.

Hopefully that all makes sense. I just needed to vent!

Are you aristocratic that it matters so much to them? Very odd that it’s brought up so often. We’ve discussed it in our family (there is no one to carry on my maiden name, my son is potentially the only one who will continue my married name…) but it’s just out of interest, no sense of anyone being more important than anyone else. My mother and my father in law have both been researching their family trees so the topic comes up in that context.

To be honest I think things will change a lot over the next few generations. Many women now choose not to change their name when they marry and I think that will become even more common. Occasionally a man will change his name instead. Some people double-barrel. Blended families, people having children but choosing not to marry… surnames are going to be all over the place!

It's really not important, like you have said many other people will have the same name . Its very sad of him to mention it so much . He sounds like he needs to find some other things to focus on an chat about 😆.
Also my kids also have a whole new name . We love it and our family's don't.

Ha ha, we had this in my family. Especially my paternal grandparents, they had quite a large business and used to swan around thinking they were special.

Now at third generation and the name will die out, all the boys with the name have girls and are unlikely to have more children.

No one can remember the business, only old timers, it was sold in the 1990's.

He's a Dick. My in-laws were the same. FIL was an only son, DH has two sisters so when DC1 arrived you'd have thought the prodigal son had been born. It's a really unusual surname too. He's now adult but I'm glad he is taking his fiancée's name when they marry next year. I have a feeling MIL (FIL is long gone) will be most displeased.
The ridiculous thing is we have two sons but he's barely an afterthought to MIL.

What pathetic patriarchal bullshit. My dad was a bit like this and it just made me cringe.

And your nephew may not have children; if he does, he might have girls; if he does, he might give them their mother’s surname… there are tons of reasons why he may not ‘carry on the family name’ in any event.

It’s ridiculous patriarchal bullshit, and it is utter bullshit considering you can change your name to whatever the hell you like.

i’d also be asking them why they gave you that name if it isn’t yours. I’d be asking them why they didn’t give you a name that was yours instead.

such a lot of nonsense.

Challenge it, loud and clear, every time, in front of your DC.

Have never heard of a nibling either

A personal preference for one of his children over the other two, based on sex?

How does he want to show this "more importance? " maybe next time day , "of course oh lord brother we have ordered a throne and crown for the rightful heir" make a joke of it and the kids hopefully will laugh along and his DS will probably tell him to drop it

It just sounds boring. Who gives a shit? Talk about something interesting.

Nearly everytime we spend time together my brother will start going on about how his DS is the "most important" because he's the only one who can carry on the family name.

"Oh that's fabulous. At least my unimportant kids will learn how to deal with sexist self important asses from an early age. It's kinda sad that in 2023 my own brother looks down on me so much purely for being a woman."

Or

"What happens if your DS decides to be feminist and change his name when he marries just to rebel from his anachronistic Dad? I will make sure I suggest that to any prospect partner when he's older".

You need to learn the quick come back lines that make him look like a dinosaur.

"or I was thinking of changing my name to 'spare'"

Medieval, patriarchal nonsense.

I didn't know, I thought it was a typo. It's definitely not a commonly used word.

Oh I challenge it every time, I've got a ton of come backs. My DC are currently hoping his DS will turn out to be gay and not have children at all/adopt/ take his husband name.

I actually wonder if it's because he feels like my DC are 'more important' because they are the first grandchildren and were born out of wedlock. I also get a lot of references about how he and his wife did things "the right way" (eg got married) . Which is of course nonsense, DS might be the first grandchild but hes no more,or less, important than the last one.

DB has spent his whole life making out that he's a victim though. He's always been very competitive too.

And regarding the word 'niblings' I first saw it on here as the collective term for nieces and nephews and loved it. Although more recent posts I've seen say it's the term for a non binary niece/nephew.

My DC are the only male grandchildren - even though DH is one of 6. His sister seriously considered having another child once DS1 was born just so he wouldn't be the only grandson. Really odd.

This is all said in front of the dc as well so they are absorbing the message.

One of our jobs is to teach them what is/isn't acceptable to us. If people speak like this in front of your kids and you disagree - then vocally disagree and explain why.

It’s not a term I’d heard before to be fair. I don’t have any nieces or nephews, so it’s not something that would have been relevant in my day to day life. It’s a decent catch-all term though.

@MsSupineLickspittle It's so odd isn't it!

@Curiosity101 I do. So do my dc. Although then I get told that I'm "taking it the wrong way" or "it doesn't matter" or that I'm "over emotional" even though I'm calm and polite. And "well that's just the way it is, even if you don't agree"
I won't stand by and let my dc and my nieces hear that they are lesser though.