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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up with this most important child bullshit

95 replies

ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 15/02/2023 21:32

I've just spent the day with my brother, mum, dc and niblings. On the next generation down there are my 2 DSs, who don't have "our" family name. My brothers DS and DDs who do have our name.

Nearly everytime we spend time together my brother will start going on about how his DS is the "most important" because he's the only one who can carry on the family name. WTF? I was always told that I was less important than my brothers because my name "wasn't really mine" and it was so hurtful. If I say it was hurtful I get told it was just a joke.

I've got (had) a friend who was always told he had to have dc as he was the only one to carry on his family name. He often spoke about how much he struggled with that message, especially as he never had children. Sadly he died last year so never will.

I'm just so fed up with this message being pushed that any one child is more important than the others just because of a name. Not to mention that nephew might not have DC/ change his name or the girls might marry someone who takes their name/ have children without being married.

It's just crap isn't it?

This is all said in front of the dc as well so they are absorbing the message.

And before anyone asks why my DC don't have my surname, it's because it never actually mattered to me (probably because i was always told it wasn't my name.) They don't have their dads either. They have their own totally unique name. Maybe that makes them more important than anyone else everWink
And while it didn't matter to me its still annoying/hurtful to be told my dc are less than any others.

Hopefully that all makes sense. I just needed to vent!

OP posts:
Soonenough · 16/02/2023 07:04

My EX MIL was like this . Going on about the family name which was quite mediocre . I used to laugh and say that there weren't exactly any lands or title involved so what did it matter. I happened to have a boy and it was
the first thing she said oh a boy
to carry on the ,name . My SIL had a girl and it was also the first thing she said but this time that oh dear she 's not going to carry on the name. When my SIL had a second girl , she saud she felt like Anne Boleyn .
Ex MIL was a very stupid woman

DNBU · 16/02/2023 07:14

YANBU It’s not Game of Thrones

MenoEek · 16/02/2023 07:16

I think I'd just stop seeing these family members if they didn't agree to knock this shit on the head.

LlynTegid · 16/02/2023 07:17

I agree with you OP, all children should be valued equally even with their different ages and talents.

TitoMojito · 16/02/2023 07:17

Oh this is a gross attitude to have Confused no one is more important because of their name. How ridiculous.

redtshirt50 · 16/02/2023 07:23

Johnnysgirl · 15/02/2023 21:41

What are niblings?

This made me laugh much more than it should have

barbrahunter · 16/02/2023 07:35

Another one to say you need to stop attending these family meets. Perhaps just arrange to see your mum and dad, or just invite your parents to your place. Mind you, where has your idiot brother got his ideas from?

ChaToilLeam · 16/02/2023 07:43

Sounds like your brother and mother have similar ridiculous ideas. Does your dad carry on like that too?

Either way, I’d be limiting time with them. Why should your children be around people who think they are less important than their cousins? Not a nice message for them to be exposed to.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 16/02/2023 07:49

it's a nasty, sexist attitude and shouldn't be allowed to go unchallenged, even if only said "as a joke" - the kids can hear and will notice if such statements aren't challenged.

we had a similar narrative as there were all girls on one branch of the family tree and only one boy on the other, but as it turns out 3 of the women have kept the surname on marriage and 2 have passed on the surname (twinned with their dads' names) to the next generation, and the male cousin also went double-barrelled so his children do have the name but coupled with his wife's, so there's no difference particularly.

"the family" surname is a patriarchal concept anyway - why should one's father's father's father's name be more a part of your identity than any of the other 7 ancestors of that generation?

I applaud you for giving your children a name that is there very own. an excellent step towards freedom from such unpleasant traditions.

Xol · 16/02/2023 07:50

Is the family name that unusual? Unless it's totally unique, I suggest every time your brother comes out with this crap you point out how many hundreds/thousands/millions more people there are in the world with the same name.

CalpolDependant · 16/02/2023 07:52

Omg OP, are we from the same family?

My brother has a son, and he’s treated like royalty, whilst my own kids are largely ignored. (Have their birthdays forgotten. Just get a token Christmas present etc.)

In my parents’ house, is a photo frame with his full name emblazoned upon it. My kids have got 1 pic each. They put just 1 (first) name on 1 frame of one of my kids, but spelled their name wrong. 😂

I have pointed out the inequalities and have been routinely told that I’m either imagining it OR “it’s different because he’s going to carry on our family name” OR “well, CalpolD, you were adopted so…”

So fucking what? FFS.

YANBU, OP. It’s so fucking annoying.

Original poster
ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 16/02/2023 07:52

We (ex and I) did joke about double barrelling their name when I was pregnant with DS1, but if you heard both our names you'd know why we didn't!

I've considered going no contact, but, despite this issue I do love my family. And I think it would be really unfair on the DC. Plus I'd miss my niblings! Weirdly enough my mum agrees with my brother, even though our name isn't her name. I've never mentioned it to my Dad because he's the one who used to "joke" about it not being my name. Thankfully I don't see my brother that often, buy he's managed to shoe horn it in to the last 3 conversations, usually with a "well DS, what are we always telling you about being the most important"

Sadly, to the PP who mentioned mitochondrial DNA, I'm the only daughter of an only daughter of an only daughter etc. And I only have sons. I did mention that to my mum once. Apparently it's not important because no one knows what it is and it's invisible anyway!

I think if he does it again I'll start telling them all random reasons why they're the most important
"Oh DS1 you know you're the most important because you have the biggest feet"
"DS2 you have the nicest eyelashes"
And so on.

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 16/02/2023 07:55

What the actual fuck is wrong with your family? Behaving like this is beyond awful.

HufflepuffRavenclaw · 16/02/2023 07:56

Firstly, your brother sounds like an arse. No child in a family should be more important than any other child.

But I am very interested in family history and things like names are very important to me. This is not a new concern about "keeping the family name going", people for centuries have been using surnames as middle names or double-barrelling to stop surnames being lost. I have three kids - my two boys have my birth surname as a middle name, my daughter has my mum's birth surname.

Tradition and family heritage shouldn't be mocked and is hugely important to lots of people.

Roselilly36 · 16/02/2023 08:01

I agree OP, wrong to make a child more important over the child’s surname. I would just ignore it, do you think he is saying it to provoke a response or annoy you? This seems to still be at the heart of some men, my late FIL wanted a boy for many reason’s including passing on our uncommon surname. He would be delighted to know we have two sons, sadly FIL passed away long before they were born.

itsgettingweird · 16/02/2023 08:01

"If our family name comes with the sheer arrogance and lack of self awareness you display I'm glad none of my kids or me still have it or are associated with it".

I'd love to hear his response to that!

Burntoutandfedup · 16/02/2023 08:10

My son has his dads last name (regret)

weve been broken up for 71/2 years and he's just turned 8. But that's besides the point.

my sons gran on his dads side always makes a point of writing my sons full name in cards

Obvious name change e.g ( To, Greg Martin happy birthday love grandma. Xx)

it's weird, as if I've forgotten his surname. I know he's a Martin, he knows he's a Martin, stop. Just a shame he's a Martin when he spends 1% of his time with that side of the family. So he will carry on a "family name" of a highly dysfunctional family, yippee!!

so glad my son gets to carry on a family name of a family that haven't spoke to each other in 30 years that's one for the books!

my sons dads family have now disowned my sons dad, his dads parents used to see me son a lot and now haven't seen him since before covid. They're bizarre so they're desire to carry on the family name.. what family?? You all hate each other.

Original poster
ThisThreadCouldOutMe · 16/02/2023 08:17

@Xol just over 3k of us apparently, so not tons but we aren't the only ones!

@CalpolDependant thankfully (for me) it's a milder version of that. My mum clearly loves them all equally, if anything she's closer to my 2, although that could be because they are older. When i told her I'd found my brothers comments upsetting she said "well technically he's correct, but [name] being more important doesn't mean he matters more or that we love him more."

@HufflepuffRavenclaw (fab name, they are my 2 houses too) family heritage is very important i agree. But part of that is all the names that make the family imo. The ones with "that" name aren't more important than the others.

@itsgettingweird actually DS1 said something similar about my brother! Quickly followed by "I do love him though"

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 16/02/2023 08:22

He's a knob it's not 1800. What a horrible thing to make his daughters feel.

My sisters son is the only one who got my fathers surname anyway.

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/02/2023 08:29

Classic dysfunctional family dynamics: something mean said and then when someone else challenges it, the challenger is perceived as difficult and told “it’s only a joke”. Just stand your ground, don’t get emotional/dramatic and say, “jokes are supposed to be funny and that one isn’t”.

RebeccaCloud9 · 16/02/2023 08:35

Never heard of niblings either, but it's so cute!

ValerieDoonican · 16/02/2023 08:38

I'm sure this wouldn't be in the least bit appropriate, but I d be so tempted to remark that sometimes women give their kids the husband's surname, to reassure him they really are his kids. With a knowing wink at SiL

RebeccaCloud9 · 16/02/2023 08:39

Would you use niblings like 'they are my niblings' (nieces and nephews) or 'there are 2 niblings on that side of the family' - (ie are they niblings to their aunt and uncle or to each other)?

Noicant · 16/02/2023 08:40

it dawned on me (after we registered DD’s birth 🙄) that we should have a matrilineal system. DH offered to change DD’s name (double barrel it but I can’t be arsed now) I didn’t change my name when I got married, I have a name already and Dh was welcome to change his if he wants.

I never understood women banging on about how important the family name is if it’s not even their name in the first place. I have no attachment to DH’s family name whatsoever.

Your family are mad.

RebeccaCloud9 · 16/02/2023 08:42

I can't believe people actually still think like that, let alone make it such a big deal. 100% twattery. Please respond every time it is said in front of your DC with something about how outdated and misogynistic it is.