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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that divorce is my only option?

78 replies

anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 20:50

Name changed as this is incredibly outing.

DH has had MH issues for a while. It all came to a head in June. He was diagnosed with psychosis, probably cannabis induced. He maintains he has a very specific physical problem (something he knows in depth because of his job, so no one can contradict him). He has been seen by many specialists/consultants and it was agreed the problem isn’t physical. He was sectioned for 6 weeks and then released because he ‘wasn’t a danger to himself or others’. They can't force medication.

The kids and I moved out in September because the environment was not suitable for them (he was verbally and physically abusive in front of them). He completely refuses to accept the diagnosis and has rejected all treatment. We are exactly where we were on day 1 and I feel we have tried everything.

I’m struggling on by myself with 3 small children - logistically, financially, emotionally. PILs are lovely and supportive but the load is of course on me.

DH hasn’t worked in a long time, something has to change very soon or I won’t be able to support me and the kids. We need to sell the family home but he doesn’t want to. So divorce might be the only way.

I obviously don’t feel particularly good about it, he is unwell after all. But he is also an addict and by not accepting medication he’s depriving his family of his presence and support, hindering progress and making a return to normal life impossible.

I think I know what I have to do. It’s been 8 months and absolutely nothing has changed. I also need to look after my own mental health which at this rate will be the next thing down the pan.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Theluggagerules · 15/02/2023 20:54

Sorry I have no real advice except do whatever you feel is best for you and your children. You aren't at fault here and you can't fix him. So actually yes I'd advise divorce

KM99 · 15/02/2023 20:54

Unless he accepts his diagnosis and treatment, I don't think there is an alternative. You've taken difficult steps to protect yourself and your children. It's an awful situation but you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 15/02/2023 20:55

Incredibly tough, but I think you are right. You need to sort everything out financially and divorce is the only way to do this.

My MIL had to do similar, it was the only way to move forward. So I have some understanding of the complexities involved. If it helps at all Dh and SIL know everything and agree with their mum’s decision. There is some sadness there but mostly compassion and understanding.

TulipVictory · 15/02/2023 20:56

What physical thing does he think he has?

Original poster
anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 20:58

@TulipVictory negative middle ear pressure.

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 15/02/2023 20:59

Is he a doctor or audiologist?

Porkchops22 · 15/02/2023 21:01

I've had a partner who was also sectioned with psychosis.
Whilst there, the staff "made him" take the meds. He was given dissolvable tablets so he couldn't hide them after.
No help to you I know.
I hope it all works out. I remember how frustrating it all is when they can't listen to reason.

Original poster
anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:02

Blondewithredlips · 15/02/2023 20:59

Is he a doctor or audiologist?

He is an audiologist.

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 15/02/2023 21:03

anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:02

He is an audiologist.

Show quote history

Could GP refer to ENT?

Original poster
anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:03

Porkchops22 · 15/02/2023 21:01

I've had a partner who was also sectioned with psychosis.
Whilst there, the staff "made him" take the meds. He was given dissolvable tablets so he couldn't hide them after.
No help to you I know.
I hope it all works out. I remember how frustrating it all is when they can't listen to reason.

Unfortunately they didn't do that. I wish they had! Dare I ask if there was a happy ending for your partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:04

@Blondewithredlips he has seen 5 ENTs (NHS and 4 private). They have told him he doesn't have what he thinks he has. I have seen multiple reports etc. He has also seen a neurologist, had an MRI and a CT scan. He's fine physically.

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 15/02/2023 21:08

anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:04

@Blondewithredlips he has seen 5 ENTs (NHS and 4 private). They have told him he doesn't have what he thinks he has. I have seen multiple reports etc. He has also seen a neurologist, had an MRI and a CT scan. He's fine physically.

That is very hard for you. Does he say he has this illness so he cannot work or fixed opinion?

Gymmum82 · 15/02/2023 21:12

Divorce. Force the sale of the home and move on. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He doesn’t work. He’s abusive. He’s not a father to his kids.
Build a new life without him. He won’t ever get better if he doesn’t believe he is ill

Original poster
anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:12

Sorry I'm not sure I understand your question.

He's saying he has to fix himself by filling his head back with air (has been saying this since day 1 and every day he is apparently a little better). He does this by performing the Valsalva manoeuvre (where you pinch your nose to pop your ears) obsessively and relentlessly. And smokes large quantities of weed to 'make his membranes more elastic'.

He won't contemplate doing anything else until he's equalised his ears.

OP posts:
Original poster
anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:13

Last comment was in reply to @Blondewithredlips!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 15/02/2023 21:16

Oh OP

Divorce. There's no way this is solvable & you'll destroy yourself in the process.

Take steps to initiate it now, sell the family home & make a new life for you & DC.

So sorry you are dealing with this 💐

PermanentTemporary · 15/02/2023 21:16

Yes he sounds delusional.

I'm afraid I would leave him and start divorce. This is absolutely not a marriage. If my dh had refused to restart medication I would have had to leave him. Living with someone in untreated and self-nurtured psychosis is not compulsory.

Notadrill · 15/02/2023 21:19

How terrible for you and your kids. You leaving months ago hasn't made him confront the situation. It sounds like he is unwilling or unable to face up to his issues so don't let him drag you down with him. 💐

GoldDuster · 15/02/2023 21:20

Oh sweetheart, this is horrendous for you.

But yes, this is what divorce is for. Relentless Valsalva manouvres and copious weed smoking to elasticise membranes isn't going to get you out of this mess unfortunately.

He was diagnosed with psychosis, probably cannabis induced

Unless he will accept that this is the issue, not his middle ear, it's never going to get any better, and even if he does accept it, there's no guarantee things will ever improve.

I'm so sorry, but save yourself and your children, your instincts are bang on. You've done more than enough. There is no more to do unless he does it himself.

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 21:21

I had a DH who knew better than the doctors what was wrong with him, according to him. I sat down and pointed out that, as every test was negative, it could only be mental.
I was fed up of me and the kids having to bend over backwards to accommodate his ever changing needs, so I told him to take the medication or get out. He took the medication and it worked.

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2023 21:21

Draw a line op and save your own mental health and divorce. Focus on getting yourself and kids sorted.

Printef · 15/02/2023 21:24

My ex was given anti psychotics after a breakdown and he wouldn’t take them as they would “stop his weed from working”. I don’t know if that’s true, if those drugs do prevent cannabis from having the effect wanted by an addict but it was a deal breaker for me. The stupidity of it.

Starlightstarbright1 · 15/02/2023 21:26

My exh was also admitted to hospital for cannabis induced psychosis. He always denied the effects. In the end I had to flee with my ds … He continues to damage his my further pretty self induced you need to protect yours and your dc’s mh

Original poster
anyalternativestodivorce · 15/02/2023 21:28

Printef · 15/02/2023 21:24

My ex was given anti psychotics after a breakdown and he wouldn’t take them as they would “stop his weed from working”. I don’t know if that’s true, if those drugs do prevent cannabis from having the effect wanted by an addict but it was a deal breaker for me. The stupidity of it.

Oh wow. Just wow.

OP posts:
SafeMove · 15/02/2023 21:28

I actually have NMEP and I work FT as an NHS researcher, study for a post grad, run a house and look after DC. It isn't that debilitating and doesn't need weed. He is mentally unwell, is abusive and can't function properly. As an parent & husband you have a responsibility to get well. You have every right to divorce him. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone who has zero respect for you.