To feel that divorce is my only option?

[anyalternativestodivorce]

Name changed as this is incredibly outing.

DH has had MH issues for a while. It all came to a head in June. He was diagnosed with psychosis, probably cannabis induced. He maintains he has a very specific physical problem (something he knows in depth because of his job, so no one can contradict him). He has been seen by many specialists/consultants and it was agreed the problem isn’t physical. He was sectioned for 6 weeks and then released because he ‘wasn’t a danger to himself or others’. They can't force medication.

The kids and I moved out in September because the environment was not suitable for them (he was verbally and physically abusive in front of them). He completely refuses to accept the diagnosis and has rejected all treatment. We are exactly where we were on day 1 and I feel we have tried everything.

I’m struggling on by myself with 3 small children - logistically, financially, emotionally. PILs are lovely and supportive but the load is of course on me.

DH hasn’t worked in a long time, something has to change very soon or I won’t be able to support me and the kids. We need to sell the family home but he doesn’t want to. So divorce might be the only way.

I obviously don’t feel particularly good about it, he is unwell after all. But he is also an addict and by not accepting medication he’s depriving his family of his presence and support, hindering progress and making a return to normal life impossible.

I think I know what I have to do. It’s been 8 months and absolutely nothing has changed. I also need to look after my own mental health which at this rate will be the next thing down the pan.

Any advice welcome.

I'm sorry to hear. Did he ever get better? Does he see DC?

OP, sounds like divorce is the way out. It must be heartbreaking for you to see the man you love(d) deteriorate so badly, but you’ve got DCs and yourself to think of and need to be free or DH.

I've looked after a lot of patients with cannabis induced hyperemesis where they have uncontrollable vomiting which antiemetics don't work on, so they come in and get rehydrated, off weed for a few days so stop being sick and then go home and a month later come in with the exact same symptoms. Sadly they are 100% convinced that there is no way that their symptoms are caused by weed and fully believe that weed is helping. I know its very much socially acceptable now but I think its a pretty horrible drug and one of my lovely friends partners had cannabis induced psychosis and made her life hell for years until she finally got free from him. She found it so hard because he wasn't like that at all when they first met but weed turned him into a monster.

No as far as i am.aware still smokes it , definitely doesn't work. He was completely unable to prioritise ds.

He hasn't seen him in a decade never so much as Christmas or birthday card.

He cares about drugs more than his ds

Yes and no. He got better and continued taking his meds. I told him he had to leave if he didn't.
But in the midst of his psychosis, he told me he had cheated (when he was well) so I kicked him out as soon as he was well again. He's had a couple of relapses, nowhere near as bad as the first one, and didn't go back to hospital.

I suffered psychosis and was sectioned as refusing to take my medication (stress induced, no drug use) so this is a very difficult read for me. My husband stood by me every step of the way, even when I was so utterly unwell he had every reason to leave me. We had two small children at the time as well and he had to make arrangements for them for sometime. Luckily he had his family to support him through this difficult time. I also refused medication and they forced it in me until I finally gave in and took it. I came very very close to a second section because I stopped eating and drinking (voices told me they’d kill me if I did). This disease is excruciating, I have never been so mentally unwell in my life. I completely understand how difficult it is for you that he’s refusing his medication and it sounds like the NHS isn’t being helpful. They were with me - I was under amazing care for over 3 years. It took over 3 months of medication for the voices to stop and over a year for me to finally finally understand what had happened to me. This experience has scarred me for the rest of my life, I have very vivid memories. BUT I was able to come off the medication after 3 years, I take nothing now and am fine. Life is good again but not a day goes by I am not thankful to my husband and family. Many people can never come off the medication and that’s okay- it is what it is.

I am not saying the above to try to influence your decision, I do understand it’s incredibly hard. But please please just know this is not your husband right now, he’s in there somewhere and with the correct care he can come back. But obviously he’s juggling with an addiction on the side of psychosis (this is apparently common) and I have no advice on that side of things.
Psychosis is vile, the scariest experience of my entire life. I hope you have support from family and I hope from the bottom of my heart that he does too.

Thank you everyone.

@Vallmo47 I'm so sorry to hear. It sounds horrific. I'm really glad you came through it and that you had support.

I'm just banging my head against a wall. We can't live with him at present. He has been incredibly difficult, rude and abusive to me, his mum and other people who have tried to help. I don't think he'll ever agree to treatment and in the meantime I'm struggling daily and the children are obviously confused. I just wish I could see the future!

I've never seen it end well were cannabis addiction/denial about the effects was a big factor. In some cases the children have been under SS before the other parent wakes up and gets out. These were full time working people, home owners etc. I wonder would the possibility of divorce make him rethink things?

@Vallmo47 that is such a touching post and gives meaning to ‘in illness and in health’. The OP’s DH has the added challenge of having self-inflicted this. I know it’s a simplistic view of addiction, and by now inaccurate, as he can’t help it anymore, but it greatly adds to his and his family’s difficulties. I’m glad you’re well now.

I thought us moving out would have an effect but it's been 5 months and it did nothing.

I am very aware I have to protect the children and I'd rather SS weren't involved.

'In sickness and in health' booms in my ears all day every day.

Abusive in front of your children
Drugs
Sectioned
Unemployed

why would you consider a subjecting your children to this for a minute longer to this kind of family life.

you owe it to them, if not yourself, to divorce him

OP, IKWYM but there’s only so much you can do and the kids need a functioning parent. This can only be you and your first responsibility is to your children.

Goes out the window when it comes to children

And he didn’t even move out to ensure the children didn’t face more disruption.

So they have now been uprooted from their family home and camping out at grandparents.

I can’t imagine how unsettled they must feel. How old are they?

Divorce is your only option. You’ve tried. He hasn’t. For whatever reason.

Divorce. I had to leave a mentally unstable, abusive partner. My DD was 1. Best decision of my life.

Of course it is incredibly sad for you and your children and your DH that it has come to this. He is very unwell and unable to seek or receive the help that he needs. But you need to draw a line in the sand about what you and your DC can tolerate. Reading your OP it feels you have rightly already done that and now you need to follow through. It is ok to say that you can no longer tolerate this, that it is unsafe for yours and your children's mental health. It's also ok to feel incredibly sad as you have lost your DH to ill health and addiction. If you are not already I would strongly encourage you to have some counselling to support you through this process and work through the trauma of the last year or so. Hopefully you can take from these messages the affirmation you need that you are doing the right thing.

No, we're renting our own place so they do have a 'home', although temporary. DS is 6 and twin DDs are 4, nearly 5.

If it comes down to a choice between kids vs husband, then it is never unreasonable to prioritise the children and what they need….

@Starlightstarbright1 I'm sorry 😕

They’ve been uprooted
and they witnessed serious abuse
And they’ve endured seeing a father sectioned and goodness knows what else

Put your own sensibilities aside re marriage vows and put them first and foremost OP. Namely, yes divorce

@Ursuladevinia82 they don't know about the sectioning. We told them daddy had gone to hospital to fix his ears. And I explained we moved to a different house to give him space and quiet to get better.

But of course none of this is good for them.

It sounds like divorce is the only option, you need to sell the house and actually show this guy he’s lost everything. Poor health doesn’t excuse abusive behaviour and he isn’t keeping up his side of the vows either here. And divorce doesn’t have to be the end if he was to magically change as a result, but atleast if he carries on behaving like this you will have secured your and his childrens future.

He was sectioned OP

they lived through the events preceding that.