To feel that divorce is my only option?

[anyalternativestodivorce]

Name changed as this is incredibly outing.

DH has had MH issues for a while. It all came to a head in June. He was diagnosed with psychosis, probably cannabis induced. He maintains he has a very specific physical problem (something he knows in depth because of his job, so no one can contradict him). He has been seen by many specialists/consultants and it was agreed the problem isn’t physical. He was sectioned for 6 weeks and then released because he ‘wasn’t a danger to himself or others’. They can't force medication.

The kids and I moved out in September because the environment was not suitable for them (he was verbally and physically abusive in front of them). He completely refuses to accept the diagnosis and has rejected all treatment. We are exactly where we were on day 1 and I feel we have tried everything.

I’m struggling on by myself with 3 small children - logistically, financially, emotionally. PILs are lovely and supportive but the load is of course on me.

DH hasn’t worked in a long time, something has to change very soon or I won’t be able to support me and the kids. We need to sell the family home but he doesn’t want to. So divorce might be the only way.

I obviously don’t feel particularly good about it, he is unwell after all. But he is also an addict and by not accepting medication he’s depriving his family of his presence and support, hindering progress and making a return to normal life impossible.

I think I know what I have to do. It’s been 8 months and absolutely nothing has changed. I also need to look after my own mental health which at this rate will be the next thing down the pan.

Any advice welcome.

The moment addiction is involved and there are children, vows have to be set aside and the children prioritised. Life with an addicted parent is incredibly damaging for children and puts them at risk of having the same issues in later life. And the only way your husband has a chance of changing is if there are real consequences to his addiction - even then there are no guarantees. My late husband was also an addict, his thing was alcohol. It cost him everything: his marriage, his kids, his house, his job and his life. He still didn't stop, he was drinking to the end. Don't put your children through more of this, get that divorce.

And he also promised to 'love and honour' you, and he stopped doing that a long time ago. He is doing the opposite in fact by trashing your union and your family. He broke the contract, basically, and will not engage at all with fixing it.

I think you need to divorce, and use that process to sort out the financial side of things asap, especially the house. Then you can create a family home afresh for you and the children.

"In sickness and in health" should not mean mutual self destruction.

There are many ways to support whilst prioritising you and your children. You have stood by him through one hospital admission. At this point you do need to Recognise that your DH is not the only one who needs you, your children need you and you need you. If your DH's destroys everything what is left if he does get well? Preserve what you can is a form of support, raising his children in safety is a form of honouring the person he once was.

I think have a clue what you're going through. DS15 is psychotic. thankfully no weed, we are a year down the line from when he got ill and still no closer to recovery. Your post really struck a chord. I know somewhere inside is tge sweet boy I know and love but he is currently unsafe, deeply traumatised by what he believes he us going through and often unpleasant to those around him.

DD 17 is desperate to escape and has seen too much, but she will be moving out to uni soon anyway. I am aware there is a point where I will have to take a step back. Even if I do I will still fight tooth and nail to maintain him in home and shelter. But I can do this because I will be able to become his appointee and POA. It is realistic

You need to be realistic. Divorce may at this point be the most realistic way to preserve what you can. Cannabis makes recovery so much harder

I'm sorry OP. You have to be able to protect yourself and your children from any more of his abuse. Divorce and get the house sold so you can move on.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Cannabis psychosis is terrifying. My partner suffered from this. Actually, I think “was tortured by” is more accurate. I am not a dramatic person but cannabis psychosis is way more than the depression that is often cited as a side affect of smoking weed.
It was a nightmare and I stayed and stayed until I couldn’t do it anymore. The hallucinations and severe paranoia was terrifying and it hurt so badly to leave but I had to.
We split up and I moved on. There were no children involved but I can only imagine what it would be like to be trying to protect them from it. He eventually sought treatment and accepted he needed a lot of help. We did get back together and we are now married with 2 children.

He cannot be around weed anymore, we have had one relapse, which lasted a week (before children) and if it happened again I would be out of here like a shot. I could not let the children see it and you have been so strong to leave. I know the emotional pull to stick around and support as you know the person he was is still there but you are doing the right thing.

Personally, I think divorce is the only way right now. Who knows what the future may hold but you have to look at the here and now. He has to hit rock bottom. I am so, so sorry you are living with this. My son is now a teenager and I am terrified this may happen to him one day, all we can do is communicate with him. Cannabis can be an evil drug but the problem is it can also be perfectly fine, much like alcohol.

Keep talking to people and look after yourself and your children. You’ve actually done one of the hardest bits by leaving. Good luck.

Jesus. You poor woman.

Get a divorce, sell the house and hope he sorts himself out. His refusal to accept help, let alone expert opinion, is not your issue. You’ve done more than enough.

Your husband also needs to find work. Something that takes his mind off himself.. I would think of him as a batchelor and not useful to your family unit now. Once he finds work, you might find a way to separate without selling the home. Could he live with his parents and pay board? Could you get a lodger in?

In your position I would absolutely divorce, however sad it made me. You need to prioritise the children and yourself.

If things improve in future you could remarry your DH if you both wanted that. But for now, you need to move on for the sake of you and your family. Don't feel guilty. Your kids are vulnerable and helpless and relying on you to look out for their best interests, especially since their father doesn't give a fuck isn't.

I think you need to divorce. He’s refusing to accept medical advice and your priority is the children who need to be housed. Will you have to give him money? That would be my worry. Presumably you co-own the house? I’d see a solicitor and see if you can force a sale.

OP,

Your poor children.

Your first and only obligation is to your children.

He is a addict.

Thats it.

Stop dressing it up.

A plain addict.

Divorce him and get the house sold.

You need to really focus on your children before this disruption does THEM serious damage.

You owe your addict husband NOTHING.

he was verbally and physically abusive in front of them

Yes you should divorce him for being abusive.
You and your DCs deserve way better than this.
You are not his mum and you should not be taking care of him.

Many posters will say you shouldn’t leave someone with a MH condition.
As someone who had PND and then psychosis I completely disagree.
I don’t think you should ever stay with someone (regardless of mental or physical health issues) if they are affecting your health.

Just a heads up tho my mum had MH issues and psychosis.
These ‘got worse’ when my dad tried to separate and she would try and commit suicide.
My dad got back with her out of guilt and although she does have MH issues, she uses it to control people.

Your priority is your own well being so you can look after, protect and bring your children up in a secure loving environment.

I've managed my MH for many years and have had severe episodes. Last episode was a few years ago and I had to dig very deep, but I did it because I'm a single parent, my children were young and it's my job.

Protect your children. Your partner has choices.

I used to work in psych hospitals. Psychosis can be an effect of substance use or other MH issues. But it can also be an underlying vulnerability which is unlocked by substances, I saw a lot of people who had used a moderate amount of weed, had a break and were going to need anti psychotics for the rest of their life. Psychosis also means different symptoms - you can manage hallucinations like hearing voices with medication quite well, but delusions are much harder to get rid of. And thinking you have a medical problem when you clearly do not can be delusional (not always, but its not uncommon). The other thing I would commonly see is that people who use marijuana feel it is helpful and are adamant they wont give it up even when you can clearly see ill effects from it. I am so sorry for you and your children, but he has clearly shown you what he is prepared to do and you have to take care of yourself so he does not take you down with him. It may give him a wake up call. But if it does not this is only going to get worse.

Divorce Now.

He may be ill but he is also not trying to get better, not listening to experts, not putting you and children first. I have very little sympathy for adults who use cannabis. I save my sympathy for their partners and children. Until he wishes to be helped you will only wreck yours and your children's lives. You have made the right choice by leaving.

Thanks for all the comments. It's interested that this very much a unanimous YES.

It’s not the least bit surprising though given what you’ve outlined. The only surprising detail is that you’re asking

Supporting your Dh in sickness and in health does NOT mean accepting emotionally and physically abusive behaviour. @Vallmo47 's story of her DH's support is heartwarming and she specifically acknowledges that she did not believe nor want to change for a long time. BUT... unless she left out a huge part of the story, she also wasn't addicted to cannabis nor was she physically or emotionally abusive.

I'm afraid that yes, you do need to divorce if he will not accept help.

Have you spoken to doctors about whether he can be sectioned again and medication forced? if not, I am really not sure you have any options.

They have tried, decided he's not a risk so he's not eligible.

@Ursuladevinia82 I guess it's very obvious from the outside. My issue is that now that I have removed the kids, we could plod on like this for quite a while. Without going for a final decision. But of course the plaster needs to come off at some point.

Except you can’t carry on plodding as you are. Because he won’t agree to sell the family home. And financially you can’t keep it. So the only way to save the children from - presumably - eventually having the family home repossessed, your credit record being ruined and you being unable to ever purchase them another secure home, is for you to divorce.

I guess you could try one more conversation where, if he will agree to sell the family home, you can delay the divorce by a few more months. But I don’t think he will. And - as you say - you have to take the plaster off eventually. Once a marriage has had abuse in it, it is very rare for the abuse not to continue. And you can’t risk that in front of your children.

Could you afford the house on your own?

No! It also needs complete renovation. I don't actually want it.

That makes it easier in a way! I would talk to a few solicitors and see how they think you should proceed. I would do it soon for your own peace of mind.

@Mumoftwoinprimary I do need the money from the sale sooner rather than later but I don't think delaying the sale would impact me directly. The house and the mortgage are both in his name only.

I can't see that his behaviour is doing the children any good at all. It sounds excruciatingly awful tbh and
I think sadly you have to put their well being ahead of his especially as he isn't prepared to even give the medication a go.
A very sad situation all round.