Barely seen my daughter this half term

[VanillaRose5]

Daughter is 8, had the same best friend for years. I know and get on with her parents. My daughter has a 5 year old sister, they get on really well and play/draw/watch TV and generally spend most of their time together.

Daughter's best friend is an only child and gets very lonely in the holidays which I sympathise with. However I feel like they sort of commandeer my daughter at holidays, so far this holiday she has spent Saturday afternoon, went on dinnertime Monday night, slept over and spent all of Tuesday daytime there, came home Tuesday evening and I've just had a text asking if she can sleep tonight and go ice skating tomorrow - the venue is a good few hours away so will be another whole day.

My daughter does love spending time with her friends and I wouldn't want to discourage it but I also want time with my daughter! The mum openly says that it makes her life easier with her daughter being an only but she's effectively making my younger an only 🤣 it's a very first world problem but I don't know if I just need to start saying no? Or is that unfair on my daughter/friend?

I work term time only so holidays are my only real quality time with my kids.

I’d go with this, I bet her younger sister would like some time with her too!!

Sounds like you have a massive "only child" chip on your shoulder 😂

That was to @Moveonnow23 and their utterly bizarre post.

I guess I’ll be unpopular but I would have left it upto my DD. Most 8yos I know would want to go ice skating with their friends than hang out at home with their 5yo sister. 🤷‍♀️

However I feel like they sort of commandeer my daughter at holidays

woman up OP and get yourself a backbone

Her friend has also been here but she's painfully painfully shy and it's excruciatingly to be perfectly honest. She doesn't speak, goes bright red if spoken to and looks on the verge of tears the whole time so she only comes for a few hours at a time

this sounds like a child who really doesn’t feel happy or comfortable in your home OP. I would be going out of my way to make her time in my house as happy and comfortable as possible so she does want to come over more

@Ursuladevinia82 as I stated earlier, her mum said she's like this with most adults, excluding family. Just an extremely shy child, nothing to do with my home.

@CrapBag76
Well as both DDs are currently (literally) cartwheeling around the conservatory after being told the plans for today (PJs, baking, Lego, make our own bath bombs/other random craft stuff they got for Christmas) I don't think she minds 🤣
Friends mum got back to me and they are taking friends younger cousin ice skating so she isn't missing out either and will always have a nice day 🙂

*ALSO have a nice day, not always!
Have a new phone and it's so eager to edit my posts 🤣

You seem pretty fiesty on this thread

So why can’t you apply a bit of that backbone in real life? No one would “commandeer” my 8 year old 😂

You started the thread OP
and 12 hours later… everything seems hunky dory

So enjoy your day. Problem solved.

My DCs are teenagers now, but I remember some mums getting really intense about friendships at that age and over engineering a lot of stuff- endless play dates etc that I could never reciprocate due to work commitments etc. it all got a bit intense for my DD too and those friendships did fizzle out over time.
I would stand your ground, ask another of your daughters friends round to play, try and balance it out, width a wider circle of friends because the intensity can blow up and become a problem

@Ursuladevinia82 I'm not sure why you're insistent on trying to provoke an argument? I'm not sure if replying to your comment and pointing out it had already been addressed is particularly feisty behaviour 🤣 Anyway guys I'm probably going to ask for this thread to be deleted as it's pretty identifying but it was really helpful thanks to everyone! Enjoy half term x

It to me doesn't sound like a lot to be honest. She spent one afternoon, had a sleepover and has asked for another day.

I have an only and we did take her friend with us to lots of things. Not as a crutch for our daughters happiness but because they both wanted to see each other.

If it feels to much for you, then just agree to the ones you do want her to do and no to the others. It would never bother me if DD's friends couldn't make something because they were busy. I would just always have asked if we were going somewhere I thought both girls would enjoy.

you could start an argument with yourself op!

I haven’t been trying to provoke an argument.

But on this thread - you’re not backwards at being forwards, as yet in RL your wringing your hands about your young child being “commandeered” by a neighbour.

But then 12 hours later… all seems rosy.

so no argument. Just… well, exactly what’s happened in this thread! 😂

we’ll done op, it Sounds like you managed the situation really well.

The fact that the mum asked you to rearrange plans rather than just accepted your initial response suggests that you are right to start putting in boundaries. If their daughter is how you describe the. I expect they are trying their best to get her around people as much as possible.

It’s lovely for your daughter to have this close friendship, but I think it’s ok to say no sometimes if it’s getting a bit too much or impeding on family life.

My daughter would love to be out doing things all day everyday with friends. I often have to rein her in because the reality is she does need down time at home.

Why don’t you just say no?

it would be healthier also for your daughter to see other kids.

Yes you need to start saying no a bit more often. Glad you had a nice time.

I had a local mum who used to do this with my daughter.

I remember one occasion when she sent her home because the child’s auntie had arrived. An hour later, she invited her back. It was as though my daughter was used to fill in the gaps.

the issue was that the mum actually found her own child quite hard work!

As they got a bit older, another child moved into their cul de sac and she stopped inviting my daughter down to play, but of course my daughter was really hurt that her friend didn’t seem to want her around any more.

Wish I’d said no more often tbh

I agree op, that sounds like a lot. Definitely limit the days in the next holiday, just say 'we're having some family days' you don't need to justify it to them.

You’ve done the right thing. In the moment, I’m sure your daughter feels like going to her friend’s is a good idea, but zooming out from that moment she needs connection time with you, and your youngest needs to connect with her big sister and not be left out. As her parent don’t overthink whether because it’s also about your needs, whether you should be putting them to one side. Family time is important for everyone…

DD is an only, in Primary I would invite her best friend on days out as it made it more enjoyable for my DD. If BF mum said no then I didn't take it personally.

You are your DDs parent, the friends mum would probably enjoy it if you went along sometimes too if you get on. I would never ask DDs friends family to join us on big days out as that puts financial pressure on them but I'd like to ve a bit of company sometimes.

It's also important for your DD to explore other friendships if her friend can be possessive of her so that it isn't always just the two of them.

It strikes me that this thread occupies an unusual world where parents spend the whole school holidays with their children. Is everyone a teacher or do you all just have endless amounts of annual leave?

My only child won’t lack interaction with her peers on half term next week because she’ll be at holiday club for half of it, with her friends (some of whom are there through choice because they’d rather be there than at home with younger siblings…) while I’m at work. I’ve also committed the cardinal sin of arranging some play dates but don’t worry it’s with other only children so I’m not destroying anyone’s family.

She doesn’t need to be with just me all day every day to “connect”. I’m not sure what you think is going to happen to devastate people’s family bonds that warranted a bold of need if children don’t spend what you deem enough time with their parents on half term. We have a strong enough family relationship to cope. There’s no younger sibling I need her to entertain though.

It’s precisely because I am assuming annual leave is limited as she (like me, and most of us) works, that I’m encouraging her not to discount her wish to spend time with her daughter. This thread is very fighty, I must say

@Fleabigg it strikes you as odd that not everyone arranges their work/home life like you do?

Your situation sounds quite different to the Op. what with your child going to a busy club, where as the child in Ops scenario apparently is very timid and is at home all holiday. Also no one is commenting on what time YOUR child needs to connect to you. Clearly op has some worries about the amount of time her child is with her friend and presumably she knows her and her families needs the best.

You've taken comments one ops situation and made them personal to you, when clearly your situation is different.