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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Barely seen my daughter this half term

111 replies

VanillaRose5 · 15/02/2023 18:17

Daughter is 8, had the same best friend for years. I know and get on with her parents. My daughter has a 5 year old sister, they get on really well and play/draw/watch TV and generally spend most of their time together.

Daughter's best friend is an only child and gets very lonely in the holidays which I sympathise with. However I feel like they sort of commandeer my daughter at holidays, so far this holiday she has spent Saturday afternoon, went on dinnertime Monday night, slept over and spent all of Tuesday daytime there, came home Tuesday evening and I've just had a text asking if she can sleep tonight and go ice skating tomorrow - the venue is a good few hours away so will be another whole day.

My daughter does love spending time with her friends and I wouldn't want to discourage it but I also want time with my daughter! The mum openly says that it makes her life easier with her daughter being an only but she's effectively making my younger an only 🤣 it's a very first world problem but I don't know if I just need to start saying no? Or is that unfair on my daughter/friend?

I work term time only so holidays are my only real quality time with my kids.

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 15/02/2023 20:23

VanillaRose5 · 15/02/2023 20:17

@Jimboscott0115 I haven't ignored anyone, I just haven't responded to each and every comment 🤣 What a strange input.

But only those who haven't given you an actual answer - of which there is obviously only the one. You've chosen not to acknowledge that you're causing this by not being an adult/the parent, its Your call, but then you're the one who's daughter will be out all day tomorrow so your back to square one 🤷

RedToothBrush · 15/02/2023 20:35

Yabu stop being a martyr.

As Zammo said.

Just say no. NO! Just say no.

Nutsabouttopic · 15/02/2023 20:37

The cheeky cow. Can you rearrange your plans with your children to suit her and her child.....The audacity. Avoid as much as you can before your daughter gets absorbed into their family. Your daughter is not a prop. I had similar with my SIL. Her daughter and mine were close in age so it suited SIL to have my DD over. DD wasn't happy about going over a lot, now and again was ok. She wanted to spend time at home with her siblings. So I just said no. Sil not happy but not my worry.

Museya15 · 15/02/2023 20:40

"an only" sounds like you're talking about a dog.

Ellie1015 · 15/02/2023 20:41

Already buying ticket and asking you to change plans is a bit ott. You handled it perfectly enjoy your time with dds.

Silvergone · 15/02/2023 20:43

I have an only child.

It’s true that playdates make the holidays MUCH easier and nicer and we get very lonely without them.

However, my child’s best friend’s mum refuses 99% of my suggestions for holiday meetups because “Sorry we’re busy with family stuff.”

Sounds like you need to grow a spine? If you want to say no so badly, why aren’t you just saying no?

Ihearticecream · 15/02/2023 21:21

If the girls mum has bought two tickets then she can go skating with her daughter! She might find she enjoys herself!

And yes definitely let her go a couple of times each holiday and then have 1 to 1 time with the youngest on those days or invite a friend over for the youngest! (which will be nice if they have the space to themselves).

A different way is we have a friend who will invite lots of friends over on the same day for their various aged children and it works well for them.

Forestwalks · 15/02/2023 21:42

Totally understand where you are coming from.
Does sound a bit too much tbh. Also asking you to change your plans as she has already bought the tickets before checking your daughter is free is really not on.
Does your daughter like spending that much time with her friend if not then I would start cutting down on the play dates as it is interfering with your own family life. If she doesn’t get the hint then tell her straight that you also need family time with both your girls, and that the little sister is missing out.
Be good for her daughter to also build other friendships and not rely on your daughter as much if she is a shy child.

Hesma · 15/02/2023 21:43

Sorry… who is the adult here 🤦‍♀️???

girlfriend44 · 15/02/2023 21:59

Hasn't the youngest daughter got any friends.

WaddleAway · 15/02/2023 22:00

girlfriend44 · 15/02/2023 21:59

Hasn't the youngest daughter got any friends.

Irrelevant really. The OP wants to spend time with her own children.

Shouldbesolucky · 15/02/2023 22:46

Simple- Just politely decline.
I’m not sure I believe you about the mum already buying tickets without checking first, no one does that irl. Tbh it doesn’t sound like you’re that keen on the child or mum. Maybe you should make more effort to host, for your own child’s benefit.

Swimswam · 15/02/2023 22:53

I’ve had this often over the years. My child is not unpaid entertainment for someone else’s child. And to make life easier for another mother.
Stay strong. Make your plans for your weeks holiday with your child.

Original poster
VanillaRose5 · 15/02/2023 22:54

Yes my youngest daughter has friends, she's 5 years old though so hardly likely to be sleeping out or going out without me🤣 Strange comment.
I do like the child but she is extremely extremely shy to the point it's physically awkward. If I so much as look at her and smile she turns beetroot red and looks like she wants to cry. She's fine when it's just her and my daughter, I hear her upstairs laughing etc, her mum says she's the same with most adults. I also like the mum, we're not best friends or anything but we get on.
Not sure what I'd have to gain by lying about the ice skating? I didn't reply straight away and by the time I did she said she'd had to book tickets to reserve the time slot. No conspiracy 🙂

OP posts:
suzyscat · 15/02/2023 23:13

They're lovely to ask but it's also fine to not say yes to everything. "Oh she'd love that but we have plans that day."

Plans can include staying at home btw.

A mix of family time/ down time and peer time is great.

Johnisafckface · 16/02/2023 02:07

I’d be fine with as I’d see it as much needed glorious alone time 😂 and who knows when I’d get that much time again 😂

lollipoprainbow · 16/02/2023 02:29

Feel sorry for the other little girl she sounds like my dd very shy and lonely.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2023 03:14

My dd is an only child. She’s also very sociable and has several friends both from school and out of school activities. I used to schedule different friends on different days. She couldn’t see someone every day of course. I’d try and do something at least 2 days in a week. But no way would I have tried to commandeer a child for half the holidays. Over the summer holidays with us and other children being away, that could actually mean that she got to see one friend 4 times and one friend maybe once or twice and a friend, who is an only child maybe a little more as she was invited there more often whereas some of the parents of her other friends were working for much of the holidays and I was doing childcare, which suited both the parents and me.

The parents of your dd’s friends aren’t doing their dd any favours by allowing their dd to rely on only one child. You absolutely did the right thing as you’re forcing the family to have a rethink even if it’s hard for them. It’s actually good for their child as well as good for your dd and both your children. By the time your dd is a tween/teen, she will possibly be spending a lot of time with friends, which developmentally is normal but you’re no way near that now and it’s understandable you want to spend as much time with your dds as possible.

Moveonnow23 · 16/02/2023 04:24

Ok I am going to post something you are not going to like: if you really wanted to spend time with your daughter you would say No. Your post has undertones of jealousy for the other mom who has it easy in some ways (not all) of having an only child. On the other hand you like your DD being taken off your hands but would rather have your other DD also gone so you could have some time to yourself. If that were the case you wouldn’t be here complaining. Now you have to entertain your other DD which kind of beats the purpose of having 2 isn’t it? Meaning most
people have 2 just for that case? I have seen many parents like yours who would not let their older or younger kids have separate playdates just cause they will now have to actually spend time with them. Cause if you really wanted to it would be pretty easy to have a polite excuse to say No to the other parents. Just in case you are wondering I do have an only child who has a lot of friends of all kinds but I get “used “ many times too by parents with 2 kids who drop off both spoiling the balance. So we all do that- give and take. It’s easy to point fingers.

WaddleAway · 16/02/2023 04:34

Moveonnow23 · 16/02/2023 04:24

Ok I am going to post something you are not going to like: if you really wanted to spend time with your daughter you would say No. Your post has undertones of jealousy for the other mom who has it easy in some ways (not all) of having an only child. On the other hand you like your DD being taken off your hands but would rather have your other DD also gone so you could have some time to yourself. If that were the case you wouldn’t be here complaining. Now you have to entertain your other DD which kind of beats the purpose of having 2 isn’t it? Meaning most
people have 2 just for that case? I have seen many parents like yours who would not let their older or younger kids have separate playdates just cause they will now have to actually spend time with them. Cause if you really wanted to it would be pretty easy to have a polite excuse to say No to the other parents. Just in case you are wondering I do have an only child who has a lot of friends of all kinds but I get “used “ many times too by parents with 2 kids who drop off both spoiling the balance. So we all do that- give and take. It’s easy to point fingers.

It doesn’t sound like that at all 😂. Some people jump to some weird conclusions. Why would the OP post that she misses her daughter and wants to spend more time with her if (on an anonymous forum) if in fact the opposite was true? What would she have to gain from it?

Codlingmoths · 16/02/2023 04:40

Absolutely ok to say no! I think those downtime at home with siblings days are an important part of holidays.

Thepossibility · 16/02/2023 04:49

Moveonnow23 · 16/02/2023 04:24

Ok I am going to post something you are not going to like: if you really wanted to spend time with your daughter you would say No. Your post has undertones of jealousy for the other mom who has it easy in some ways (not all) of having an only child. On the other hand you like your DD being taken off your hands but would rather have your other DD also gone so you could have some time to yourself. If that were the case you wouldn’t be here complaining. Now you have to entertain your other DD which kind of beats the purpose of having 2 isn’t it? Meaning most
people have 2 just for that case? I have seen many parents like yours who would not let their older or younger kids have separate playdates just cause they will now have to actually spend time with them. Cause if you really wanted to it would be pretty easy to have a polite excuse to say No to the other parents. Just in case you are wondering I do have an only child who has a lot of friends of all kinds but I get “used “ many times too by parents with 2 kids who drop off both spoiling the balance. So we all do that- give and take. It’s easy to point fingers.

Wtf? It's weird on here sometimes 🤣

keeponandonandon · 16/02/2023 04:51

I've voted that you're being unreasonable because are you allowing this to happen, its your choice. I had an only child for 13 years and I did tend to invite my daughters friends to days out etc. Mainly because my daughter wanted them to join as she had far more fun with them there. There would be times it would be the same friend for months but if the parents of the other child said no, it wouldn't have been a problem.

RebeccaCloud9 · 16/02/2023 05:02

I voted YABU because you can just say no (as I then read you did☺️).

It is nice that she has a friend who is offering nice days out. The friend send a bit ott though, especially re already buying the tickets. So I think it's good to say no sometimes too. Just don't stress about it, if you want to do something else, do!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/02/2023 05:05

YANBU to say no, YABU if you say yes when you mean no and silently resent it. If it doesn't suit say no. For the times you say yes you could plan some things to do with youngest, make the most of the time with only her.