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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU to my daughters dad?

113 replies

livelyliv · 15/02/2023 17:14

This may sound very familiar to some of you as I've posted about my situation before, and have returned yet again for more advice!

I posted last month asking for advice regarding my ex, as he was asking to have our 6 month old baby (who he's never looked after on his own before and has had limited contact with) for a whole day. After a lot of back and forth, I suggested he have her for 3-4 hours. This is because she is a breastfed baby (who doesn't accept bottles) so I would need to come back after that time to feed her. He thought this was unfair and wouldn't agree, so in the end, I didn't end up taking her to his house, as I was not going to allow her to be there all day with no milk. I also wasn't comfortable with her going there as he said he would "make" her drink from a bottle.

Shortly after I asked for advice on here, I received a really lengthy text from him basically saying that since I've shown that I don't need him (his words), he will no longer be involved in DD's life and she can contact him when she's 18 if she wishes. He ended the text with "do not contact me again", so I did just that, didn't contact him and have spent the past month enjoying being able to just be a mum without all the added stress he brings to my life. That is until now, because he has decided to return, apologising for what he said "out of anger" and is demanding to know when I will be bringing DD to see him. I have reluctantly said he can see DD, but it must be at my house until he can actually learn how to be a parent and prove that he's going to stick around (it's not the first time he's done something like this) He has called me controlling and I feel he may take this to court.

I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable and neither do my family, but of course, they're very biased. So just interested to hear what other people thought.

OP posts:
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 15/02/2023 17:17

Tell him to take it to court. Id bet cold
hard cash he doesn’t bother

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/02/2023 17:17

Tbh I'd stick my ground and deny access unless at your house. I suspect he'll soon do a runner anyway. Sounds like a deadbeat man. Hopefully he'll grow up and over time develop a relationship but I wouldn't hold your breath.

Nimbostratus100 · 15/02/2023 17:20

I would want to be present while they are together, why would you leave your daughter alone with a total stranger? She wont have any idea what is happening, and will get so distressed

Eastereggsboxedupready · 15/02/2023 17:22

I hope as an example to your dc you won't bow down to his bullying. Does your dd need such a df around? Let a judge deem him suitable.. Keep all texts and correspondence.

DaveyJonesLocker · 15/02/2023 17:28

What a joke. Tell him to take you to court and show them how fucking useless he is and that because he didn't get his own way he decided he didn't want anything to do with his daughter at all. He won't be given over nights by any court. You may be able to request a contact center.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/02/2023 17:30

Stand your ground. You are not denying contact. It is reasonable for a breastfed baby to stay close to their source of food and comfort.

Porkyporkchop · 15/02/2023 17:31

Let him take this to court. Then he can have a court order for his time limited contact and it will likely be supervised anyway. Throw the ball back and him and say ok! Let’s go to court. He has walked away once after stomping his feet, let the court see who he is and make a court order to reflect this.

Porkyporkchop · 15/02/2023 17:31

Save all the texts and emails OP. You’ll need those for court.

fairgame84 · 15/02/2023 17:33

Is this the bloke that came and made a thread on here and got his arse handed to him? Or is there another nobhead with the same behaviour?

Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 17:33

fairgame84 · 15/02/2023 17:33

Is this the bloke that came and made a thread on here and got his arse handed to him? Or is there another nobhead with the same behaviour?

Yes, that's him.

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 15/02/2023 18:16

He's an absolute dipshit and was more interested in his 'rights' than the best interests of your daughter.
Offer contact in a public place with you. If he doesn't like it let him take you to court. They won't award him full days with a breastfed baby that he's hardly spent any time with.

CalmBeforeStorm01 · 15/02/2023 18:16

My experience of this is that the court will think it is in the best interests of your mutual child to have contact with both parents. The judge won't consider he said, she said stuff. Put the child first and try to minimise your anger. Get her on a bottle and make sure she knows she's loved equally by both parents.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 15/02/2023 18:44

CalmBeforeStorm01 · 15/02/2023 18:16

My experience of this is that the court will think it is in the best interests of your mutual child to have contact with both parents. The judge won't consider he said, she said stuff. Put the child first and try to minimise your anger. Get her on a bottle and make sure she knows she's loved equally by both parents.

I would ignore this ^ the other advice is sound.
Let him take you to court and prove that he can be a consistent parent.
Do not put her on a bottle because he is requesting it! Not necessary. Plenty of time for her to not be breastfed, aka the rest of her toddlerhood/childhood.

WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 15/02/2023 18:44

Also yes - keep all evidence and keep your cool in all correspondence with hun

PeekAtYou · 15/02/2023 18:48

If he takes you to court suggest supervised contact at a contact centre as a compromise. Yanbu to want him to prove that he can be consistent and have his parenting skills observed as you have no clue if he can look after a baby.

ChilliBandit · 15/02/2023 18:49

YANBU at all. He sounds like he views your child as a pawn he can use to get one over on you rather than giving a shit about actually being a Dad. I would keep your offer on the table to show you are being more than reasonable and let him do whatever he wants. I hope he is paying child support.

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:50

All these posters saying a court will do this and that, have you ever actually been to a family court and experienced it? Unless there is safe guarding concerns such as alcohol, drugs or violence, the court will expect the baby to be able to go with the father, breastfed or not, they will expect you to transition onto a bottle at some stage.

Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 18:53

Court aside, I think it’s pretty harsh you are keeping his kid away from him.
a child really should have access to both parents. Breastfed or not. Also IMO I believe it’s not just down to you how to feed your joint baby.

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2023 18:55

CalmBeforeStorm01 · 15/02/2023 18:16

My experience of this is that the court will think it is in the best interests of your mutual child to have contact with both parents. The judge won't consider he said, she said stuff. Put the child first and try to minimise your anger. Get her on a bottle and make sure she knows she's loved equally by both parents.

The Court will be happy with contact at the mother's house while she is breastfed. After another six months, or when bf stops they will look at him having access on his own.

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:56

@Mostexpensiveplug she doesn’t need his permission to breastfeed! HOWEVER she does need to be willing to compromise (pump and into a bottle) if it’s obstructive to the amount of time the baby can spend with dad.

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:57

@Ponoka7 and you know this how? Believe me, I can’t imagine a court restricting a father’s access to the mother’s home only until she decides to pump into a bottle. Have you ever actually been in a family court?

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:58

@Ponoka7 a father’s time is more important than breastfeeding and the mother will be expected to either pump or wean.

Am I BU to my daughters dad?
Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 18:58

Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 18:53

Court aside, I think it’s pretty harsh you are keeping his kid away from him.
a child really should have access to both parents. Breastfed or not. Also IMO I believe it’s not just down to you how to feed your joint baby.

It wasn't just down to me. When I was pregnant, it was agreed I would breastfeed for a year. He actually wanted her to be breastfed. Also, I don't know if your comprehension skills are lacking, but I've clearly stated in my post that I have agreed for him to see her at my house, so please explain how that is keeping his child from him?

OP posts:
Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 19:00

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:56

@Mostexpensiveplug she doesn’t need his permission to breastfeed! HOWEVER she does need to be willing to compromise (pump and into a bottle) if it’s obstructive to the amount of time the baby can spend with dad.

I don’t think she should need his permission to do anything, she should do whatever she pleases. But it’s their baby, together and like any significant decision about everything in a child’s life, really, a child’s nutrition should be discussed and agreed between both parents.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:01

I honestly think chances of him going to court are slim. It costs money for a start. I remember your thread and his (didn’t realise it was same baby)
His smacked of his ‘rights’ and no understanding of a young bf baby’s needs.
I’d keep all messsges. Keep a diary.
I’d very much frame any messages you send as what’s in best interests of baby.

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