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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU to my daughters dad?

113 replies

livelyliv · 15/02/2023 17:14

This may sound very familiar to some of you as I've posted about my situation before, and have returned yet again for more advice!

I posted last month asking for advice regarding my ex, as he was asking to have our 6 month old baby (who he's never looked after on his own before and has had limited contact with) for a whole day. After a lot of back and forth, I suggested he have her for 3-4 hours. This is because she is a breastfed baby (who doesn't accept bottles) so I would need to come back after that time to feed her. He thought this was unfair and wouldn't agree, so in the end, I didn't end up taking her to his house, as I was not going to allow her to be there all day with no milk. I also wasn't comfortable with her going there as he said he would "make" her drink from a bottle.

Shortly after I asked for advice on here, I received a really lengthy text from him basically saying that since I've shown that I don't need him (his words), he will no longer be involved in DD's life and she can contact him when she's 18 if she wishes. He ended the text with "do not contact me again", so I did just that, didn't contact him and have spent the past month enjoying being able to just be a mum without all the added stress he brings to my life. That is until now, because he has decided to return, apologising for what he said "out of anger" and is demanding to know when I will be bringing DD to see him. I have reluctantly said he can see DD, but it must be at my house until he can actually learn how to be a parent and prove that he's going to stick around (it's not the first time he's done something like this) He has called me controlling and I feel he may take this to court.

I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable and neither do my family, but of course, they're very biased. So just interested to hear what other people thought.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 15/02/2023 19:47

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:02

@livelyliv you can still breastfeed - pump and put into bottles - I’m sorry but you can’t use that as an excuse to only allow him to see his child around you or around your timings. He would be within his rights to go to court and you wouldn’t look very good - and I have experience with this. I think this is a mask for you either wanting to spend time with him or not wanting to share your time with your child - but you need to get over it.

She isnt using breastfeeding as an "excuse" it's the fact that he has already pissed off and flounced at least once and the child is barely 6 months old it would be a piss poor judge that overlooked that

LIZS · 15/02/2023 19:48

Not intending to victim blame, just suggest firmer boundaries

FriedasCarLoad · 15/02/2023 19:53

I have no idea about legalities, but I do think you're being very reasonable.

Scienceadvisory · 15/02/2023 19:55

CalmBeforeStorm01 · 15/02/2023 18:16

My experience of this is that the court will think it is in the best interests of your mutual child to have contact with both parents. The judge won't consider he said, she said stuff. Put the child first and try to minimise your anger. Get her on a bottle and make sure she knows she's loved equally by both parents.

Unfortunately she's not loved equally by both parents though, is she? Her dad is happy to not see her for weeks at a time whenever he isn't allowed to control the child's mother. Any man who can walk away so easily from his child is not a loving parent.

The OP has been putting the child first. She's been trying to build up a relationship between dad and baby slowly while single-handedly raising the baby. It's the dad who has never put the child first.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:57

Op isn’t saying no she’s letting him see baby just not for hours or days away from her at first.

That’s not an unreasonable approach. I suspect if he bothered to take legal advice then he would be advised to accept this and make application to court. Then this contact would form part of his application - he’s cared adequately for her, baby knows him, baby is happy and safe in his care.

Instead he’s done the cut nose off to spite face. My way or highway which doesn’t work with a baby.

So if he did go to court he won’t have seen baby for months. Court isn’t going to say immediately hand over bf baby to stranger for 48 hour stints or whatever he wants. Court will at best say start contact (maybe at contact centre) and build up, which is exactly what he can have now if he stops only thinking about himself and his ‘rights’.

NoGoodUsernamee · 15/02/2023 20:11

Also IMO I believe it’s not just down to you how to feed your joint baby.

@Anotherposter76 well IMO, your opinion sucks!

People will argue about this for days but breastfeeding is the best option WHEN it is emotionally and physically possible for the mother & baby to do so. Are you seriously suggesting the baby (who is obviously very happy BF) should be supplemented with formula so the father can spend the whole day with the baby? That’s just batshit to me. OP isn’t stopping him seeing the baby, she’s just saying he can’t take baby alone outside of hours where the baby will need feeding. I can sort of understand fathers feeling a bit put out at this stage in a babies life, but if he genuinely loved and cared for his child and had her best interests at heart then he would understand that is how she is most comfortable and work around it until inevitably she will no longer be a BF baby and be able to spend extended periods of time with him. His needs do not trump the babies!

ChilliBandit · 15/02/2023 20:25

I couldn’t ever imagine telling the father of my child I wanted nothing to do with my child and then not have any contact for a month because I was annoyed at my ex.

Does he really care about his child or is his child just a weapon to use against OP? I know I would be accepting 3-4 hours of contact every day over not seeing my child because good parents put their child’s best interests at the forefront of their actions.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 20:31

Also if I recall his thread he wasn’t paying maintenance.

So single parent Op is supposed to buy bottles/formula/steriliser just so he can have her all day or overnights.

Instead he could see her at Op’s, then take her out in pram for short periods. In a few months time baby will be eating more solids, he’d have built up his skills with baby and baby would be used to him.
A decent Dad would want what is best for baby.

ChilliBandit · 15/02/2023 20:33

@Dixiechickonhols 100% agree

blackbeardsballsack · 15/02/2023 20:43

Oh aye yeah, stop breastfeeding your little baby and 'get them on a bottle' just in case the dad who hasn't had a minute of contact with her for weeks and didn't want to be involved in her life at all decides to rock up for a few hours ad hoc.

Don't listen to the goady posters, OP. They do not know what they profess to know about the family courts. Perfectly reasonable to offer contact in a safe, comfortable setting for your baby for now, to be reviewed as time passes (he won't commit to it though). You're promoting contact, you're being reasonable.

Whatafliberty · 15/02/2023 20:49

Court aside, I think it’s pretty harsh you are keeping his kid away from him.
a child really should have access to both parents. Breastfed or not. Also IMO I believe it’s not just down to you how to feed your joint baby.

this one of worst replies I have ever read. Of course it is the mother's decision.

ChilliBandit · 15/02/2023 20:52

@Whatafliberty - on top of what you said the OP hasn’t tried to stop him seeing the baby! It can’t all just be on his terms. I’ve seen that poster before, all about the poor menz.

Theunamedcat · 15/02/2023 21:05

ChilliBandit · 15/02/2023 20:52

@Whatafliberty - on top of what you said the OP hasn’t tried to stop him seeing the baby! It can’t all just be on his terms. I’ve seen that poster before, all about the poor menz.

Yup penis privilege penis portions it's tiresome

"Who cares of breast is best for baby I am a MAN I HAVE MANLY WANTS GIVE ME THE CHILD THEY WILL TAKE A BOTTLE OR STARVE"

Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 21:08

livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:08

Have you read any of my posts? I've literally just said, I can't pump. I'll have the pump on for 20 mins and won't even get a drop of milk. Also, SHE WILL NOT ACCEPT A BOTTLE. I've tried multiple times. What do you suggest? I leave my 6 month baby with her father who she barely knows, and allow him for force her to have a bottle?

My reasons for wanting contact at my house (as already stated) is because there is no evidence to suggest he can even look after a baby, he's only seen her a handful of times, he's barely even changed her nappy before, he's absconded three times, and has made claims such as "I will make her have a bottle". None of these things suggest he is a capable or responsible father. Without me there and in an unfamiliar environment, DD would be very distressed and confused. I am putting my child's interests first, it's nothing to do with that pathetic little narrative you just made up.

Show quote history

When you first had you child - like every first parent that has every existed anywhere- there was probably no (already established) ‘evidence’ that you are able to look after a child

Poppy44 · 15/02/2023 21:20

Any man who can drop contact with his own child for a month because he was angry - is not a man I'd be jumping through hoops to please.

I hope you have taken screenshots of messages. I'd also suggest you keep records and diaries of conversations you've had (e.g phone calls). I would also install some cameras at home. Needn't be fancy. Get an SD card and a tapo camera from Amazon. The reason being if he does come to your house and you get into a conversation about access - you will have proof that you aren't stopping him from seeing his DD. You are just doing it in your home due to your daughters young age.

Keep good records in the event that he does decide to go to court and you will have evidence for your reasonable behaviour and his unreasonable behaviour.

It's the difference between saying something like - well he didn't even see her for a month cos he was angry Vs on the 15th January I had a conversation with Mr X and stated that he was welcome to visit his DD in my home for 3-4hrs. Mr X did not take up the offer and I heard no more until 15th February etc.

I'd keep a running Word document with the facts for several years. I'd also record every time he was either late, a no show or asked to rearrange.

You just don't know when you may need it....and if there's a threat of court, you wanna be prepared.

ChilliBandit · 15/02/2023 21:24

Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 21:08

When you first had you child - like every first parent that has every existed anywhere- there was probably no (already established) ‘evidence’ that you are able to look after a child

Show quote history

At yet there is already established evidence this man does not understand the needs of a child given he went AWOL for a month.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 21:39

Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 21:08

When you first had you child - like every first parent that has every existed anywhere- there was probably no (already established) ‘evidence’ that you are able to look after a child

Show quote history

He hasn’t been present, has disappeared for large chunks of time as his own volition.
Instead from memory he suddenly demanded baby for long periods at his house (think it inc overnight) and was woefully ignorant of bf - she can bf, baby will just have to have a bottle with me. I’ve got rights! No appreciation baby might be upset away from her only food source and primary carer.
If he’d been spending lots of time with baby from birth and baby was comfortable with him and he wasn’t a knob so Op was reassured he’d call her if baby wasn’t ok then it would be a different scenario.

PugInTheHouse · 15/02/2023 21:52

I don't understand how 3/4 hrs contact is not acceptable given the fact he has hardly seen the child, as well as stopping contact due to his anger, seems pretty reasonable to me. If he wanted to show he was trustworthy then surely he would have done anything he needed to.

Re breastfeeding, I had one DC that I just could not express at all for, didn't matter how much I tried. The other DC I could express loads, no idea why specifically. I did ensure they could take a bottle from early on though. I didn't need to do this but felt that it would be easier for DH/my mum when looking after them.

If he was willing to adhere to your terms regarding contact so it is clear he is able to look after her then it will only be a few weeks until she is mainly on solids surely so it would all work out ok. I don't understand why many posters would be happy to ship their babies off to essentially a stranger to the child. He's already proved he's not responsible yet.

canfor · 16/02/2023 05:42

I breastfed and couldn't get my child to take a bottle of expressed milk, I would have loved a full nights sleep, but many many attempts ended in failure. You are right that his idea that he can just take your child for a long period and force a bottle on them demonstrates that he is not ready to look after her. And he is a stranger so at least for the first few visits it makes sense for you to be around.
If I couldn't be with my child and the only option was to see them for an hour supervised by the other parent, I'd jump at that.
You are completely reasonable OP. Ignore the crazy posts on here and keep going, as PPs have mentioned always frame your responses to him around the interests and wellbeing of the child.

liveforsummer · 16/02/2023 05:51

I remember his and your threads. This is not a reasonable man with his child's best interests at heart. Let him take you to court. Your generous even offering the visit at your house and I'd certainly not be letting him be on his own with her or do all the running - he comes to you!

BatshitBanshee · 16/02/2023 05:53

I remember your darling ex's posts OP. He was vile, I've never seen some so arrogant, immature and lacking any basic baby parenting knowledge. Personally, I'd call his bluff and say take it to court and have it settled that way.

A) He never will because he has the mental age of a pre teen and
B) Even if he does, a judge will see him for what he is.

Keep your receipts. All of them. Stay neutral in your communications and make sure you inform him that refusing anymore compromises is his choice, he initially decided to cut all contact "out of anger" by his own admission and if and when he's making you uncomfortable or feel threatened.

Best of luck.

liveforsummer · 16/02/2023 06:00

And yes as @BatshitBanshee says if he dies decide to go to court and comes out with the self entitled shit he did on his thread then he'll get laughed out of the room. Has he run out of excuses for not paying maintenance yet?

Gh12345 · 16/02/2023 06:16

I actually think you’re doing the right thing. This isn’t really a child yet, it’s a baby who needs it’s mother and until your ex can the grow the f up… I’d do the same. He can’t just pick and choose when he’s in her life and wants it his way. No court will side with a parent who’s just not bothered for a month. All this ‘you’re harsh for keeping the father away’… you haven’t but he just wants it his way.

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:06

This is a controversial opinion so sorry if others disagree but no baby anywhere has ever died because they couldn’t breast feed enough and simply ‘wouldn’t take a bottlé’
ive not read the OPs previous threads/back story and by no means do I think you should just force a bottle down a babies throat but this is an actual fact, eventually every baby will find a food source if one is removed.

wishuponastar1988 · 16/02/2023 07:08

Some of these comments are ridiculous. The OP withholding contact, this man has barely seen his own baby in the last 6 months so of course it isn't in their best interests to be handed over to a stranger. Why did he not continue to pursue contact instead of saying he was walking away? He's now back on the scene demanding to see the baby - why now? Of course the baby has a right to see their father but k haven't seen anything saying the OP is going to prevent that contact. What is the impact on the child if the father is in and out of their life? How will a young baby settle with someone who is practically a stranger? I think the offer of contact is reasonable OP, let him take you to court if he wishes however a court would want to see he is being consistent with building a bond with his baby before he spends time with them alone.

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