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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU to my daughters dad?

113 replies

livelyliv · 15/02/2023 17:14

This may sound very familiar to some of you as I've posted about my situation before, and have returned yet again for more advice!

I posted last month asking for advice regarding my ex, as he was asking to have our 6 month old baby (who he's never looked after on his own before and has had limited contact with) for a whole day. After a lot of back and forth, I suggested he have her for 3-4 hours. This is because she is a breastfed baby (who doesn't accept bottles) so I would need to come back after that time to feed her. He thought this was unfair and wouldn't agree, so in the end, I didn't end up taking her to his house, as I was not going to allow her to be there all day with no milk. I also wasn't comfortable with her going there as he said he would "make" her drink from a bottle.

Shortly after I asked for advice on here, I received a really lengthy text from him basically saying that since I've shown that I don't need him (his words), he will no longer be involved in DD's life and she can contact him when she's 18 if she wishes. He ended the text with "do not contact me again", so I did just that, didn't contact him and have spent the past month enjoying being able to just be a mum without all the added stress he brings to my life. That is until now, because he has decided to return, apologising for what he said "out of anger" and is demanding to know when I will be bringing DD to see him. I have reluctantly said he can see DD, but it must be at my house until he can actually learn how to be a parent and prove that he's going to stick around (it's not the first time he's done something like this) He has called me controlling and I feel he may take this to court.

I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable and neither do my family, but of course, they're very biased. So just interested to hear what other people thought.

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 16/02/2023 07:10

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:06

This is a controversial opinion so sorry if others disagree but no baby anywhere has ever died because they couldn’t breast feed enough and simply ‘wouldn’t take a bottlé’
ive not read the OPs previous threads/back story and by no means do I think you should just force a bottle down a babies throat but this is an actual fact, eventually every baby will find a food source if one is removed.

Not a controversial opinion, just talking shite. Perhaps your plug has malfunctioned.

wishuponastar1988 · 16/02/2023 07:12

The OP isn't withholding contact** is what my comment above should say.

Also OP if there was domestic abuse in your relationship I would be mindful of your safety in terms of promoting contact at your home. I would either let him make the application to court or could you have a third party also present to facilitate that contact with you? Risk of abuse increases during pregnancy and post partum so please be mindful of that x

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:32

BatshitBanshee · 16/02/2023 07:10

Not a controversial opinion, just talking shite. Perhaps your plug has malfunctioned.

Show quote history

If you say so, but there arnt swathes of people who what chosen not to breast feed out of a personal preference all with an epidemic of babies that are on the brink of death.
Not everyone can/wants to breast feed. That’s completely OK. And that is why paediatricians and midwives sont ‘mandate’ breastfeeding. A baby, like any other animal, will eventually find another food source. I’m sure it won’t be a pleasant week or two, nor will it kind to the baby, but the concept that the baby ‘simply won’t breastfeed’ is complete BS. They all have the ability to take a bottle.

rainbowstardrops · 16/02/2023 07:41
  • Unfortunately she's not loved equally by both parents though, is she? Her dad is happy to not see her for weeks at a time whenever he isn't allowed to control the child's mother. Any man who can walk away so easily from his child is not a loving parent.

The OP has been putting the child first. She's been trying to build up a relationship between dad and baby slowly while single-handedly raising the baby. It's the dad who has never put the child first.*

This ^

ChilliBandit · 16/02/2023 07:42

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:32

If you say so, but there arnt swathes of people who what chosen not to breast feed out of a personal preference all with an epidemic of babies that are on the brink of death.
Not everyone can/wants to breast feed. That’s completely OK. And that is why paediatricians and midwives sont ‘mandate’ breastfeeding. A baby, like any other animal, will eventually find another food source. I’m sure it won’t be a pleasant week or two, nor will it kind to the baby, but the concept that the baby ‘simply won’t breastfeed’ is complete BS. They all have the ability to take a bottle.

Show quote history

You are seriously lacking in comprehension skills if you think choosing or not being able to breastfeed from newborn stage is the same as suddenly expecting a child who has been exclusively breastfed for nearly 6 months to suddenly take a bottle.

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:43

also by suggesting that some children have to be breastfed as there is no other option, you are implying that some mothers don’t have a choice about how to feed their child, and I think that all mothers have a choice they should be free to make at their will.

ChilliBandit · 16/02/2023 07:45

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:43

also by suggesting that some children have to be breastfed as there is no other option, you are implying that some mothers don’t have a choice about how to feed their child, and I think that all mothers have a choice they should be free to make at their will.

Yes and OP has chosen to breastfeed. Is her choice not as equally valid as other mother’s because it’s not convenient for the baby’s father. Is it the mother’s choice unless Dad wants something different in your world?

Codlingmoths · 16/02/2023 07:48

Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 21:08

When you first had you child - like every first parent that has every existed anywhere- there was probably no (already established) ‘evidence’ that you are able to look after a child

Show quote history

Well now there’s lots. And he walked out and is refusing to come visit at all , says he will make baby take a bottle (any parent knows it’s not that easy I’ve just spent 6 months trying to get mine to) etc etc so there’s also lots of evidence he’s a crap dad.

NeverThatSerious · 16/02/2023 07:50

Let him take you to court then. I doubt it ever even gets that far, seeing as he didn’t see his daughter for a fucking month(!!) because he got his arse in his hand that you wouldn’t do exactly as he wanted when he wanted it. He is a selfish arsehole and I’m sorry you and your daughter have to deal with him.

QuinkWashable · 16/02/2023 07:57

but the concept that the baby ‘simply won’t breastfeed’ is complete BS. They all have the ability to take a bottle.

Are you seriously suggesting that it's better that the baby is denied food until she submits? Doesn't that sound cruel and abusive?

Vs the father taking the time to build up to full days, as the baby is weaned?

You think the first is in the kid's best interests vs the second? Because I really don't!

QuinkWashable · 16/02/2023 07:59

To put it out there, my kids don't see much of their dad since we split - because they don't want to (they're old enough to choose) - he'd like overnights, but can't be bothered to put in the effort to encourage the kids to do so - it's laziness and immaturity - they want it all now, and don't realise that with kids, you have to put in a lot of work.

fairgame84 · 16/02/2023 08:01

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:32

If you say so, but there arnt swathes of people who what chosen not to breast feed out of a personal preference all with an epidemic of babies that are on the brink of death.
Not everyone can/wants to breast feed. That’s completely OK. And that is why paediatricians and midwives sont ‘mandate’ breastfeeding. A baby, like any other animal, will eventually find another food source. I’m sure it won’t be a pleasant week or two, nor will it kind to the baby, but the concept that the baby ‘simply won’t breastfeed’ is complete BS. They all have the ability to take a bottle.

Show quote history

What a load of shite.
There are babies who have been exclusively breastfed from birth that will not take a bottle. It's not the same as choosing not to breastfeed and offering a bottle to a newborn. Feeding from a bottle is a different skill to feeding from a breast and not all babies can switch if they have spent months breastfeeding.
Usually you need to offer a bottle in the first 4 weeks if you want a baby to mixed feed. This baby is 6 months old so that ship has sailed.
Not only that, OP has said that she can't get anything off when pumping so there will be nothing to feed the baby even if she could take a bottle. OP shouldn't have to put the baby on formula just to please her ex.

canfor · 16/02/2023 09:07

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:06

This is a controversial opinion so sorry if others disagree but no baby anywhere has ever died because they couldn’t breast feed enough and simply ‘wouldn’t take a bottlé’
ive not read the OPs previous threads/back story and by no means do I think you should just force a bottle down a babies throat but this is an actual fact, eventually every baby will find a food source if one is removed.

That's all well and good but why cause a child significant distress for the sake of a father that seems to want access on his terms only to be controlling? Why can't he accept building up contact with a baby that doesn't know him in short visits and over time the contact can increase as the baby is being weaned now. There's no real need to immediately take this child away from the parent it knows, force it to take a bottle and make it distressed...that shows a lack of concern for the baby's welfare and a lack of understanding of how difficult it is to see your baby cry with hunger and for it's mother - I can't imagine how he would cope with a little six month old who had been crying for hours because that's the reality...

Saschka · 16/02/2023 09:24

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:32

If you say so, but there arnt swathes of people who what chosen not to breast feed out of a personal preference all with an epidemic of babies that are on the brink of death.
Not everyone can/wants to breast feed. That’s completely OK. And that is why paediatricians and midwives sont ‘mandate’ breastfeeding. A baby, like any other animal, will eventually find another food source. I’m sure it won’t be a pleasant week or two, nor will it kind to the baby, but the concept that the baby ‘simply won’t breastfeed’ is complete BS. They all have the ability to take a bottle.

Show quote history

Why would anybody put a baby through “an unpleasant” experience that isn’t “kind to the baby”, just so this abusive man can have the baby overnight to spite the mum? How is that in the baby’s interests?

I was away from DS twice at a similar age (once I had an evening out with friends, once I went to a wedding). Away for 5-6 hours. DS was left with DH the first time, DM the second time, both of whom he was very familiar with, had done plenty of shorter stints with them before.

Both times he was totally fine until about 3 hours in, at which point he absolutely wasn’t, and worked himself up into an absolute frenzy, way too distressed to take a bottle (I could express fine, he had taken a bottle before). Both times when I came back he panic-fed so much he made himself vomit, and it took hours to calm him down. Awful night afterwards with him refusing to be put down or physically parted from me.

Incidentally DS was a super-placid baby usually, and settled into nursery fine aged 1. This was a uniquely upsetting experience for him, at that age.

Why on earth would OP risk putting her baby through something traumatic like that, when the father could see the baby for a slightly shorter period of time and avoid it?

I’d also worry how he would respond to a screaming hysterical baby, given he was abusive to OP during pregnancy. He has already said he will “force” the baby to take a bottle.

MaPaSpa · 16/02/2023 09:31

if he goes to court it is likely the judge will mandate weekly contact if asked even if not overnights. Doesn’t matter if he hasn’t. Seen baby for 6 months. I’ve seen this awardee after a number of years missed contact.

and unless you have fears for babies safety it will not be supervised. Do frustrate contact with dad if he is willing, regardless of comms back and forth if he can show he has made reasonable efforts despite what PP are saying he will be successful.

you had to learn how to look after the baby you didn’t know by virtue of giving birth. He will too, best do try and co-parent when you can still try and set out the parameters for yourself.

Cherrysoup · 16/02/2023 09:53

Given he’s dropped out 3 times, at this stage, I would tell him to go to court.

MinnieGirl · 16/02/2023 10:43

He sounds like a total piece of shite….

You are breastfeeding for the benefit of baby. Something that was planned by both of you….him stating he will make her take a bottle is abuse, and I would be highlighting that to all and sundry if it does go to court.

You have offered him assess at your home so baby gets used to him, and he refuses. Why? Taking a baby away from her mother is not in her best interests. And he can’t have her in his own until he has shown he can care for her and change nappies etc. I suspect he wants to play at daddies…either that or to control you. And he will probably get someone else to look after her which is also worrying. You need to know who is with your baby.

Keep all txts… and screen shots if you can in case the phone gets wiped. If he threatens court again just say go ahead…he won’t. It will cost him money.

I would also consider a solicitor who specialises in family law. Just to see where you stand.

The other thing is could you move? Again, I would discuss with a solicitor just to get cast iron facts.

JMSA · 16/02/2023 10:55

He's a tosser Flowers

gemloving · 16/02/2023 10:55

You're a good mother. You are doing the right thing. Let him take you to court, I doubt he will.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 16/02/2023 10:58

livelyliv · 15/02/2023 17:33

Yes, that's him.

Show quote history

@livelyliv @fairgame84 got a link to the old thread, would love to read the arse-handing with a coffee and a biccie? 😂

stand your ground OP he sounds like a knob.

fairgame84 · 16/02/2023 11:18

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 16/02/2023 10:58

@livelyliv @fairgame84 got a link to the old thread, would love to read the arse-handing with a coffee and a biccie? 😂

stand your ground OP he sounds like a knob.

Show quote history

It got deleted but I can't remember why.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 16/02/2023 13:00

Mostexpensiveplug · 15/02/2023 18:53

Court aside, I think it’s pretty harsh you are keeping his kid away from him.
a child really should have access to both parents. Breastfed or not. Also IMO I believe it’s not just down to you how to feed your joint baby.

Wtf have I just read?

Breastfeeding is a safe, free a s highly beneficial way to feed a baby. It is the biological norm. In the absence of any compelling reason the child should not be breastfed (a reason in HER best interest, not the father's convenience) if the mother is willing to breastfeed then that is and should be considered the default option.

Jesus H Christ, Handmaid's Tale much?? Men getting to decide if women can breastfeed or not??

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 16/02/2023 13:02

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:56

@Mostexpensiveplug she doesn’t need his permission to breastfeed! HOWEVER she does need to be willing to compromise (pump and into a bottle) if it’s obstructive to the amount of time the baby can spend with dad.

Actually she doesn't. 3-4 hours is more than long enough for a 6 mo baby to be without her primary caregiver with someone she doesn't even know. Do you really think THE BABY will benefit from being away from her mother longer than that?

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 16/02/2023 13:06

Please find me any case law where a court mandated that a mother curtail breastfeeding for the father's benefit.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 16/02/2023 16:30

Wanttotryaplugbutpartnernotkeenwwyd · 16/02/2023 07:06

This is a controversial opinion so sorry if others disagree but no baby anywhere has ever died because they couldn’t breast feed enough and simply ‘wouldn’t take a bottlé’
ive not read the OPs previous threads/back story and by no means do I think you should just force a bottle down a babies throat but this is an actual fact, eventually every baby will find a food source if one is removed.

"starve the baby into submission". Such an enlightened approach.