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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU to my daughters dad?

113 replies

livelyliv · 15/02/2023 17:14

This may sound very familiar to some of you as I've posted about my situation before, and have returned yet again for more advice!

I posted last month asking for advice regarding my ex, as he was asking to have our 6 month old baby (who he's never looked after on his own before and has had limited contact with) for a whole day. After a lot of back and forth, I suggested he have her for 3-4 hours. This is because she is a breastfed baby (who doesn't accept bottles) so I would need to come back after that time to feed her. He thought this was unfair and wouldn't agree, so in the end, I didn't end up taking her to his house, as I was not going to allow her to be there all day with no milk. I also wasn't comfortable with her going there as he said he would "make" her drink from a bottle.

Shortly after I asked for advice on here, I received a really lengthy text from him basically saying that since I've shown that I don't need him (his words), he will no longer be involved in DD's life and she can contact him when she's 18 if she wishes. He ended the text with "do not contact me again", so I did just that, didn't contact him and have spent the past month enjoying being able to just be a mum without all the added stress he brings to my life. That is until now, because he has decided to return, apologising for what he said "out of anger" and is demanding to know when I will be bringing DD to see him. I have reluctantly said he can see DD, but it must be at my house until he can actually learn how to be a parent and prove that he's going to stick around (it's not the first time he's done something like this) He has called me controlling and I feel he may take this to court.

I don't feel that I'm being unreasonable and neither do my family, but of course, they're very biased. So just interested to hear what other people thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:01

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:58

@Ponoka7 a father’s time is more important than breastfeeding and the mother will be expected to either pump or wean.

I don't know if you have kids (I don't think you do because your knowledge is lacking), but for some women (including me) it is extremely difficult to pump. Also, you can't just give a baby, who's been exclusively breast fed for 6 months) a bottle. It is widely known that lots of breast fed babies don't accept a bottle.

The weaning process is one that takes several months. DD has only just started trying food and mostly spits them out. None of things just happen overnight.

OP posts:
Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:02

@livelyliv you can still breastfeed - pump and put into bottles - I’m sorry but you can’t use that as an excuse to only allow him to see his child around you or around your timings. He would be within his rights to go to court and you wouldn’t look very good - and I have experience with this. I think this is a mask for you either wanting to spend time with him or not wanting to share your time with your child - but you need to get over it.

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:04

@livelyliv yes I do have children and experience with the family Court - your reasons don’t add up and getting a breastfed baby onto a bottle isn’t impossible - so it’s something you need to start the process of to give them an actual chance of having a relationship, or risk looking difficult to both CAFCASS and the court.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:04

Court would take time too by which point baby may be able to drink from cup or able to go longer without bf.
Most men who say they will go to Ct don’t.

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:06

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:04

Court would take time too by which point baby may be able to drink from cup or able to go longer without bf.
Most men who say they will go to Ct don’t.

It’s not that easy for men to go to court - it costs a lot of money and takes a lot of time - many give up before the process is finished and I can completely see why having spent a lot of my time in this situation. It doesn’t make it right or in the best interests of the child especially if the mother is just being difficult.

Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:08

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:02

@livelyliv you can still breastfeed - pump and put into bottles - I’m sorry but you can’t use that as an excuse to only allow him to see his child around you or around your timings. He would be within his rights to go to court and you wouldn’t look very good - and I have experience with this. I think this is a mask for you either wanting to spend time with him or not wanting to share your time with your child - but you need to get over it.

Have you read any of my posts? I've literally just said, I can't pump. I'll have the pump on for 20 mins and won't even get a drop of milk. Also, SHE WILL NOT ACCEPT A BOTTLE. I've tried multiple times. What do you suggest? I leave my 6 month baby with her father who she barely knows, and allow him for force her to have a bottle?

My reasons for wanting contact at my house (as already stated) is because there is no evidence to suggest he can even look after a baby, he's only seen her a handful of times, he's barely even changed her nappy before, he's absconded three times, and has made claims such as "I will make her have a bottle". None of these things suggest he is a capable or responsible father. Without me there and in an unfamiliar environment, DD would be very distressed and confused. I am putting my child's interests first, it's nothing to do with that pathetic little narrative you just made up.

OP posts:
Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:09

@livelyliv if he poses no safety risk - as I mentioned - the court will expect him to have fair access.

you risk either him taking you to court and getting a lot more time than you would want or risk ruining their relationship further with your restrictions.

but it’s your life and your kid, do whatever you want, don’t ask for opinions and then get pissy when they don’t align with yours 🤷‍♀️

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:10

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:06

It’s not that easy for men to go to court - it costs a lot of money and takes a lot of time - many give up before the process is finished and I can completely see why having spent a lot of my time in this situation. It doesn’t make it right or in the best interests of the child especially if the mother is just being difficult.

Show quote history

Many threaten it though and don’t even start process. It’s easier to say she won’t let me see the child. I remember his posts he was banging on about his rights. Concept of best interests of child was not on his radar.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:11

Can you link his list or was it removed.

Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:11

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:09

@livelyliv if he poses no safety risk - as I mentioned - the court will expect him to have fair access.

you risk either him taking you to court and getting a lot more time than you would want or risk ruining their relationship further with your restrictions.

but it’s your life and your kid, do whatever you want, don’t ask for opinions and then get pissy when they don’t align with yours 🤷‍♀️

So you think that someone basically saying they would force feed a baby poses "no safety risk"?

OP posts:
Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:11

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:11

Can you link his list or was it removed.

Yes, it was removed.

OP posts:
Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:12

@livelyliv i highly doubt someone would actually force a bottle down a baby’s throat - if he is - it begs the question of why you decided to have one with him in the first place because he wouldn’t be a very nice person would he?

BUT if he wanted to encourage the baby to have a bottle with gentle persistence and in a responsible manner, there isn’t much you could do about it whilst baby was in his care.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:16

If Op was starting back at work and booking baby in nursery there would be settling in sessions. Eg mum stay with baby, then baby stay short while, then baby go full days. Mum would trust that nursery would call if baby was very distressed or wouldn’t freed.
It’s not in baby’s best interests to go to someone she doesn’t know for hours, a gradual transition is in baby’s best interest.

Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:17

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:12

@livelyliv i highly doubt someone would actually force a bottle down a baby’s throat - if he is - it begs the question of why you decided to have one with him in the first place because he wouldn’t be a very nice person would he?

BUT if he wanted to encourage the baby to have a bottle with gentle persistence and in a responsible manner, there isn’t much you could do about it whilst baby was in his care.

You can "doubt" it all you like, you don't actually know him.

The why would I have a baby with him thing is a really ignorant comment. It is widely reported that some men become abusive during their partners pregnancy, which is exactly what happened in my case. Don't comment on things you have no idea about.

OP posts:
Original poster
livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:18

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:16

If Op was starting back at work and booking baby in nursery there would be settling in sessions. Eg mum stay with baby, then baby stay short while, then baby go full days. Mum would trust that nursery would call if baby was very distressed or wouldn’t freed.
It’s not in baby’s best interests to go to someone she doesn’t know for hours, a gradual transition is in baby’s best interest.

This is exactly what I've suggested. Slowly build up the visits until she can be with him all day, yet I'm still accused of not letting him see his child!

OP posts:
animalprintfree · 15/02/2023 19:19

PeekAtYou · 15/02/2023 18:48

If he takes you to court suggest supervised contact at a contact centre as a compromise. Yanbu to want him to prove that he can be consistent and have his parenting skills observed as you have no clue if he can look after a baby.

I think this is terrible advice. Having volunteered at contact centres, I think they should very much be a last resort. Try and sort it out more amicably without the courts. Perhaps try a family mediator.

LIZS · 15/02/2023 19:22

Why are you allowing you, and your dd, to be messed about? She needs constancy and reliability, if he is serious he can go to court for access. Bet he does not bother

Mumsanetta · 15/02/2023 19:29

@livelyliv i would just ignore @Anotherposter76 as they are very obviously goady.

Past behaviour is always the best indicator of future behaviour. Your ex failed to stick around last time, highly unlikely he will manage it this time. If he refuses to agree to your very reasonable request, let him take you to court. My guess is he will once again run out of steam.

I actually remember his post and, unsurprisingly, MNetters saw straight through him and handed him his arse. What a shame the thread got deleted.

ImAvingOops · 15/02/2023 19:31

I would take advice as above and make all communication with him very calm and framed entirely around baby's best interests. I would refer to his threats in the texts you send him, so say things alone the lines of "You threatened to force the baby to take a bottle and so I won't leave the baby with you unsupervised until I am certain you won't do this" Or, "I happy for you to visit and spend time with baby but since you have previously refused contact i won't hand her over until I am reassured she is safe in your care". Don't respond angrily and keep all messages.

Personally I'd be tempted to move and not pass on my new address/phone number. If he takes you to court, it will take time and money and he might not if it's too much like hard work. Don't make it easy for him by parenting your baby in a way that goes against your own wishes, just for his convenience - he doesn't deserve that consideration!

If he does eventually get access, make sure you pursue him for proper child support.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/02/2023 19:31

livelyliv · 15/02/2023 19:18

This is exactly what I've suggested. Slowly build up the visits until she can be with him all day, yet I'm still accused of not letting him see his child!

Show quote history

Just keep copies of your messages. This is a reasonable approach and if he genuinely wanted to see her then he’d take it.
When corresponding think about how would it look if read out in court and couch everything in best interests of baby. I recall he came across as a complete idiot banging on about his ‘rights’ with no appreciation of baby’s needs. Good luck.

Suedomin · 15/02/2023 19:33

"Get her on a bottle and make sure she knows she's loved equally by both parents.*
The best interest of the child is to be breast fed for as long as the mother wants to/is able to feed her. It is certainly not to 'put her on a bottle' just because her irresponsible, immature father thinks he wants to play at being her father.

PaigeMatthews · 15/02/2023 19:34

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 19:12

@livelyliv i highly doubt someone would actually force a bottle down a baby’s throat - if he is - it begs the question of why you decided to have one with him in the first place because he wouldn’t be a very nice person would he?

BUT if he wanted to encourage the baby to have a bottle with gentle persistence and in a responsible manner, there isn’t much you could do about it whilst baby was in his care.

@Anotherposter76 you said this about the man YOU chose to have a child with.

he hasn’t seen child in over a year because of safeguarding concerns about him…(dv, he injured our disabled child because of his temper, drinks heavily, always unemployed).

maybe come down from that very high horse if yours and stop being a nob.

op, have you contacted cms about him paying financial support? Or is he already?

why do you have to be the one driving around? Is he incapable in some way?

tbh id just go through cms and tell him to crack on with court. As the poster above agreed, he probably will lose interest anyway.

PaigeMatthews · 15/02/2023 19:36

LIZS · 15/02/2023 19:22

Why are you allowing you, and your dd, to be messed about? She needs constancy and reliability, if he is serious he can go to court for access. Bet he does not bother

It isnt op’s fault. It is the father’s lack of decency which is the problem. Stop blaming women for men being dickheads.

sonjadog · 15/02/2023 19:36

I suspect court is an empty thread. Tell him to go ahead. I bet he does nothing.

Scienceadvisory · 15/02/2023 19:43

Anotherposter76 · 15/02/2023 18:58

@Ponoka7 a father’s time is more important than breastfeeding and the mother will be expected to either pump or wean.

You didn't properly read that, did you? It clearly says if a court feels the mother is using breastfeeding to be obstructive. Agreeing to 3/4 hours of contact at a time when the dad's been largely absent is not obstructive. It also uses the word probably which is far from the absolute you suggest so stop trying to scare the OP into going along with her ex's wishes.