I can't adult like a proper adult!

[SleepingStandingUp]

Even I'm fed up of my useless now.

Three kids I in school, I don't work and my house and life is still chaos.

My house looks like a disaster zone (essentially clean but never tidy for long), never seem to get anything done between picking up youngest two at lunchtime and eldest at end of day. Meant to be doing Uni whilst youngest are at nursery.

Get home and it's a rush twice a week to get out to activity.

Forever losing my phone, my bank card, their reading books, their letters (even tho I implemented a plan for the latter two and in theory they all have ho.es.

Little being in nursery is actually harder as it's more of a rush to get everyone ready, do all the homeworks, reading books etc.

DH by 6, does bedtimes, helps tidy, does dinner two nights I'm out with eldest, and split over weekends.

But I'm still always behind on sorting everything.

I feel like I'm lacking some vital talent at adulting!! I'm not even young so it's not even age.

How do I get less useless and scatty?

This is something you can speak to a GP or psychiatrist about if you're struggling.

I know previous commenters have said "someone will be along to diagnose ADHD in a minute" and I'm not here to do that, only to say that I had almost identical symptoms to yours and when I spoke to my GP he referred me to a psychiatrist who did diagnose me with ADHD (I didn't really know what ADHD was until he told me!) I'm now medicated and have no problems with concentration, organisation, general life management, keeping on top of cleaning etc. Before, I'd be stuck in almost a paralysis where my mind was screaming at me to get up and do all of the things I had to do, but I just didn't move. It was bizarre, almost a mental block towards anything which I didn't actively find interesting or enjoyable. I wasn't lazy, I could concentrate for hours on things I found captivating but anything "admin" or "household" I just froze at the thought of.

Again, I'm not saying you have ADHD by any means, but it's always worth speaking to someone regardless as I had many of the problems you say you're facing and I did end up having it.

If you do have ADHD, it can be diagnosed and managed effectively by therapy and medication. Also if you don't have ADHD, your GP or a psychiatrist can still refer you to resources to help manage your time and organisation more effectively, as well as finding other root reasons why you might be struggling so much. Lots of previous commenters have suggested ways of organising that do help, but I relate to you in the way that before I was medicated, I had hundreds of "to do lists" that I forgot about soon after writing them.

Help is out there OP, I hope things get easier for you 🤗

Also to add to this, not necessarily to the OP, but to the other people who have said "I think I have ADHD but it takes years for a diagnosis" - if you are genuinely considering speaking to your GP, please do.

There is a pathway called "Right to Choose" which you can speak to your GP about, which allows you to choose an alternative Psychiatry provider, still sourced by the NHS. This allows you to speak to a psychiatrist much quicker than on the NHS waiting lists. I waited a year from my initial GP appointment until my psychiatrist appointment (via a Zoom call) under Psychiatry UK, I then had a few further appointments before I began medication but it was all "sorted" within 18 months which still isn't ideal but better than the NHS waiting times of several years. They are very rigorous in their diagnostics so won't just diagnose someone for the sake of it, the communication is fantastic via a portal and it's been life-changing for me.

Sorry to hijack the thread OP but I say several people saying they didn't want to bother with the waiting times of several years without adding something to say that with the Right to Choose scheme, it's no longer the case.

Thanks @OopsAnotherOne. I just want to add that I shouldn't have made it sound like my path to ADHD diagnosis was only a bleak uphill struggle. Yes, the first GP was dismissive but for the last few years I've had a great GP who is very supportive with the ADHD treatment. There are helpful professionals out there. Also, even in the few years since I was diagnosed, I think there is a lot more awareness among primary physicians, even if there's a long way to go.

Yeah, just turned 3 twins who are officially soeach and language delayed so that's also made me feel like shot today. Apparently I'm failing how to teachthem to talk properly on top of everything else.

Erm sometimes stuff reappears, bank cards never do. Keys hit and miss.

You have a lot on your plate! 3 small kids including toddler twins who aren’t at school yet, trying to manage the day between different school/nursery pick ups, uni, running a household... not surprised it isn’t plain sailing and you should cut yourself some slack.

My only tips and advice would be do good shopping online and try and bulk buy lots of things, declutter ruthlessly (this was the issue I had with my house constantly being messy again a massive clear out helps so much) and generally just lower your standards a bit- ‘done’ is enough.

food shopppng not good

I used to be super organised before covid and now I cant function properly some days and forget everything. I am constantly saying hey 'siri remind me to ....' this works for me because the reminder stays on my screen until I mark it as complete so every time I look at my phone it is there. I am strict and action the reminder before I delete it. It can be simple things...hey siri remind me at 6pm to put washing on, hey siri remind me to turn heating off, hey siri remind me on saturday morning to change the towels. It has helped with lots and there are somethings I have reminded myself to do so often that I dont need siri to help anymore

@SleepingStandingUp All I can say is 'same here'. I have cancelled so many missing debit cards that I've long since lost count. I'm sitting here now in a state of paralysis because there are too many things to do and if I start them, I won't finish them. I congratulated myself this morning on hanging up an entire load of washing from start to finish (I normally wander off and do something else mid-hang, then remember about the washing hours later). Someone upthread was talking about photographing letters and sharing them on something. There would be too many steps of organisation involved in this for me to do it.

I am like this, and more. I have adhd and I'm unmediated until I can decide if I want to do it.

I am hyper-organised in some aspects but to the detriment of others. I've got a meticulous work/child/uni diary, but I haven't had a physical bank card for over a year..just a photo of it for online buying purposes.

Also, get a key box that bolts to your house wall somewhere, with a combi lock on, keep a spare in there. Two replacement front door windows and locks later, it was a genius thought.

This is rubbish, if it is ADHD (which it very much sounds like to me) you can get medication which will help massively.

Right OP, if your DS is like you get him referred NOW and get him a diagnosis, then move onto yourself. Do NOT feel like you will be laughed at by the gp, when I talked to my gp he listened to me and referred me. My DD has also been diagnosed with ADHD and we are starting proceedings to get my DS assessed too.

What medications are you on?
I was also recently diagnosed and I was told medication would really really help me.
however I mention trying to conceive and they said not immediately.
I have some important life things going on right now where I’m thinking medication would be life saving if I could try it as were pausing TTC for at least 6 months anyway now..

how long did it take for you to notice the benefits?

We were trying over the pandemic, but school don't really see it. He has all my annoying habits. Forgetful. Distracted easily. Gets lost in his own head. Messy. Fidget. Hums random bits of songs constantly altho he's MORE annoying as he'll just keep repeating the same short bar or sentence. I at least do a whole song. Really struggles to sit down which o guess I'm much better at being old and lazy 😁.
I should call the paediatrician next week, we had a few changes which didn't help.

Ah and the clutter. Jeez. Doesn't help the kids have so many toys. DS nearly died as a baby and the spoiling has kinda lasted 🤣

Also, get a key box that bolts to your house wall somewhere, with a combi lock on, keep a spare in there

I did this, too. However, I took the key out, put it somewhere, and locked myself out. I now have two key boxes with duplicate keys but I suspect I'll still take them out and mislay them.

That is so me..
I honestly think I have ADHD, I would never have thought it before but after stumbling across a video which listed ADHD symptoms in girls/women it was like my whole life and especially my childhood made sense, the more I read about it the more I believe I do, even my usually skeptical DH thinks the symptoms/signs fit me perfectly. I've just started taking ginko biloba, a herbal medication which apparently helps, no improvement so far but apparently it takes a couple of weeks.

Things that help me cope are, declutering so there's less to tidy, alexa for shopping lists and reminders, notes app on my phone for lists of things I need to remember, not a calendar because they hurt my brain to look at lol, I like a list. 5-10 minute timers to clean to (or any other job) so I don't get distracted, listening to music whilst doing jobs helps me focus a bit better, i have a 3 weekly meals list on rotation so i don't have to plan or think of meals and do a click and collect shop, ive also learnt to be kinder to myself and stop comparing myself to others, this is how I am so I need to accept it and find ways to manage rather than beat myself up.

I’m not suggesting you get a job but I’m always more productive when I’m working then when I’m not. The only thing that helped when I wasn’t working was checklists.

Hello SleepingStandingUp!

Just wanted to wish you lots of strength to cope with your challenges and to share a few of my thoughts:

• you have a heck of a lot on your plate. Do you think you have enough time in the day with the resources you have to keep all these plates safely spinning? Are you able to make a realistic judgement about how much time this will take you (not how much time you think it should take you)?
• from my username you can probably guess that I have my own neuro developmental conditions. In my case autism and adhd. I have masked my whole life, but various things over the last few years brought it all to a head and the mask started slipping. My child is autistic and being investigated for ADHD. With that said, in your situation, I would consider:

* Having all three children referred to local NHS Neuro Developmental Team asap. These conditions often (but not always) have a genetic factor. Waiting times can be long, so get them on the list now.

• Speech and language delay in the twins should be looked at from neuro developmental angle - do not let anyone blame your parenting as an excuse not to look into the causes for this delay properly.

• Parenting neurodiverse kids takes extra energy and resources, and often issues do not become obvious until they are at school. Even then, due to masking (or poor awareness/lack of training/overwhelm due to class sizes), the school might not notice anything or deny any problems (as happened with my child, who even masks his hyperactivity to a great degree at school by directing it into smaller, less noticeable movements, or does things like sit on his hands. Teachers did not notice this, but a specialist OT observing class for an hour did! His autistic meltdowns only happened at home in the early years, so again, school saw nothing). Lean on your support network if you have one. If not, make sure that you and your husband prioritise taking good care of yourselves and each other as well as taking care of the children. Inflight safety oxygen mask principle. This is one of the many places that I have slipped up, but am hoping to make improvements.

• If you do not know what you are dealing with, it is hard to plan/organise/put mitigating strategies in place. This might be why seeking diagnosis might be helpful. It can also be helpful for self-compassion reasons. I spent the best part of four decades thinking that I was useless, lazy etc. because I did not know that my brain is literally wired differently to most people. I have accomplished some good things in my life, and it often took extraordinary amounts of energy for me to do so, but I saw myself as repeatedly failing and this caused mental health problems on top of everything else. This is something that I am starting to view differently, and understand that I need more support with executive functioning. Cognition is not my problem, the rest often is.

• This stuff can get worse for women during hormonal fluctuations. The menopause - which might be a while away for you - can be a major problem if any neurodevelopmental issues are not understood and mitigated for. This can be a life and death issue, so should not be ignored.

My partner (who did compulsory military service) always says that they were taught that 95% of winning the war is knowing and understanding your current position. Over the years, and through various of life's battles - little and large - I have come to agree with him. Just don't tell him, or he'll think I've gone soft! 🤣

Hope this was not TLDR, and that you get something useful out of it.

Good luck! Stay strong! You are enough as you are!

Well there is a lot you can do.

1. you can try approaching your GP for a diagnosis
2. if you have the funds you could go private
3. you can find many self help things online for people with ADHD
4. there's supplements that you can take that can help.

So there are things you can do.

No chance of a job, I can't afford the childcare! Also DS is a pain in that he's sometimes on O2 after school stop their need to be trained.

I think I was marginally better when I had a job, but keys and bank cards etc have always been an issue. Also I didn't have kids when I worked so I had less emotional stresses

I am reading everyone's comments and ideas. I especially like the idea of photographing my cards then hiding them

1. I'll concede 1 is great. That I'll get laughed at our I'll cry which is always my response to anything to do with trekking people how I'm doing
2. No.
3. I've looked online and there's equal number articles with random expensive supplements from Amazon and address saying none of them work. Not to mention how hard I find it to remember to take a tablet every day

1. Comes back to the complexities of how I'm chilling I guess. I read articles, think that sounds good... Then life happens. Kids. Uni. Volunteer work is crazy too ATM and I HAVE to force myself to be organised for that. Do the book I have about women with ADHD is still unread. Because it's a to-do thing I can't seem to do

What I’ve started doing is thinking about what systems work for me. And try to replicate in other areas. Still hard to implement.

And to reduce greatly what I committed to apart from minimum until I’m more able. Conversely I have rare moments of organisation for which future me is grateful.

you’re children are so young that I think you should be kind to yourself.

everything you are saying (except I work) is me. I have tried building habits and i seem incapable of that too. Yet am not stupid. its very frustrating and now it's causing me anxiety. i also think it (and that I dont bond with people though am chatty) has limited my careers path ( though people always rate my work very very highly). no advice op but just solidarity

Hire a skip and do a brutal declutter. I think you’ll be surprised just how much better you feel. I do this at least once a year and it’s helped me.

Apologies in advance if this is not helpful but re bank cards - I have a slot in my wallet for each card. Anytime I use a bank card I put it straight back in the slot. I would never put the card down any where else - not on the table, it goes straight back in the wallet. The idea of leaving my card just lying around makes me feel uncomfortable, it's bound to get lost.

Would it be possible to change to that mindset? That you must never put your bank card anywhere except in your wallet?