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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't adult like a proper adult!

111 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 15/02/2023 14:05

Even I'm fed up of my useless now.

Three kids I in school, I don't work and my house and life is still chaos.

My house looks like a disaster zone (essentially clean but never tidy for long), never seem to get anything done between picking up youngest two at lunchtime and eldest at end of day. Meant to be doing Uni whilst youngest are at nursery.

Get home and it's a rush twice a week to get out to activity.

Forever losing my phone, my bank card, their reading books, their letters (even tho I implemented a plan for the latter two and in theory they all have ho.es.

Little being in nursery is actually harder as it's more of a rush to get everyone ready, do all the homeworks, reading books etc.

DH by 6, does bedtimes, helps tidy, does dinner two nights I'm out with eldest, and split over weekends.

But I'm still always behind on sorting everything.

I feel like I'm lacking some vital talent at adulting!! I'm not even young so it's not even age.

How do I get less useless and scatty?

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 16/02/2023 06:25

Many of us work and manage all of this but In some ways working helps because it forces you to be more organised and have rigid routines. I think you’re paralysed by indecision (I’m like this!)

You need to give yourself some strict routines e.g. when they come home you always go through bags and put them ready for the next day. Before they go to bed you always leave their uniform out for the next day. Meal plan so write a list of what you’ll need for the week. Allocate days of the week for jobs in the house. Do not sit down/go on your phone until you’ve done them!

YukoandHiro · 16/02/2023 06:31

OP, I could have written this word for word - particularly the bit about losing your phone and not being able to keep on top of homework and other school admin.
I haven't read the thread yet but I know someone in it will say you have ADHD. It's possible, but not necessarily the case. I definitely don't. I was never like this until I had two kids.... the reality is the mental load and the sheer amount of work and sleep deprivation is colossal, especially if you're trying to work and stay on top of being professional in that role too.
I am fed up of myself also and am trying various strategies like heavy diarising and not cooking from scratch as often to try to wrestle back control but it is HARD.
You are not alone, please cut yourself some slack.
Now I'm off to read the full thread to see if anyone else has any good ideas

YouSoundLovely · 16/02/2023 06:53

Your younger ones are 3, and twins (am I right?). Frankly I can't imagine coping with twins, or even three all close together. (I have three but there is a big age gap between nos. 2 and 3 which took a lot of the toughness out of it when no. 3 was small). So you may need to give yourself some credit. Also if you are picking up at lunchtime that's actually not a lot of time to get stuff done, esp self-directed study.

The losing stuff is a bit more of something to think about. Does it turn up again, or is it gone once it's gone?

YouSoundLovely · 16/02/2023 06:59

Ah, missed a couple of posts on page 2.

Thinking ahead to when the twins are in nursery FT, to a degree you do have to get on and do it to break the habit of procrastination. You could try the short bursts method where you set timers, work for 20 min and have 10 min off (if possible involving a physical change of scene - out into the garden or whatever).

gogohmm · 16/02/2023 07:09

It's mostly down to consistently having a routine. I am naturally pretty scatty so I have to have set places and routines, things need to be in view otherwise I forget. And yes as a middle aged adult I was told I met the criteria for adhd, it matters not but does explain a lot. We are all like it here!

gogohmm · 16/02/2023 07:10

With food it's all about planning, order food on a certain day, set your phone to remind you. I lived in the countryside, you learn quickly to get organised.

Seaweasel · 16/02/2023 07:12

Might sound brutal but how much do you really want to change? If you take an honest look at how you perceive yourself - is it as someone scatty but lovable, who can't help but be overwhelmed by boring stuff like kid routines and housework? When my DCs were little and I stopped work, unconsciously I didn't want to engage with the boring stuff that marked me out as a SAHM. I was all, "let's go to a cafe, silly mummy's forgot to do the shopping again" and "ooh the house is a tip, it's so hard with studying for my degree, I'm just not as good as adulting as you other mums". While they were like 🙄. It did improve when I accepted that this was my job right now and I had to value it and learn the skills just as I had for other jobs. Might be completely barking up the wrong tree but I think it's worth reflecting on.

Alwaystirednowandalways · 16/02/2023 07:13

It could be ADHD, but I wouldn’t be too quick to diagnose yourself on that basis.

I teach. Strike day a couple of weeks ago, none of my classes in. I had all day and marked one set of books and planned one lesson. Forgot my memory stick last week, had twenty minutes to chuck a lesson together and did so - and it was pretty good.

Young children with lots of different needs is always hard to manage. And keeping a tidy house with kids is hard. I think having a clear idea of tasks that need doing is the best idea. Today I am off work, I know I need to put away clean clothes and put on another wash. Oh, and cook. That will do!

HonestFeedback · 16/02/2023 07:27

I have a partner and two children with ADHD. I'm pretty sure you have ADHD.

There's a lot you can do to manage ADHD if you do have it, but the first step is considering that you might have it. There was a thread on here about a year ago where a woman had done a questionnaire about ADHD in women, scored really highly, then decided that the questionnaire was faulty and no-one could score below the threshold. Most other people who tried it scored very low, it was just that ADHD was her normal.

DreamCatcher08 · 16/02/2023 07:28

watching this tread as I’m the same and its destroying me. My kids are all full time schoolers and I don’t work I don’t do anything my brain won’t let me it’s like I’m paralysed the indecisions flying around my head at 100mph I feel like screaming in to a pillow everyday. But when I have some structure to my day I’m fine like I have a hospital appointment today I’m ready I know where everything is informed the school about pick up I always get there on time yet there’s a letter that I need to print off and send that’s I’ve been meaning to do since October last year lol

Lurkylurks · 16/02/2023 07:36

I'm also going to chime in for ADHD - but just to mention there are books by Sari Solden specific to women with ADHD - she acknowledges the extra difficulties women have with this because there is often more expectation/pressure that we will be clean and organised. There are also podcasts for women with ADHD - can't remember any names but should be easy to find. Not saying you have it but sounds like something to do with executive functioning so some of the info might help anyway.

Rummikub · 16/02/2023 10:48

What’s executive functioning?

Another suggestion that might work is making a timetable for the week. Don’t put too much in- and give yourself down time too.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 16/02/2023 10:53

Sounds like ADHD. I think I have it but like you, see little point pursuing diagnosis as will take years as an adult via NHS.

My one top tip which can change your life today - keep your to do list on your phone lock screen. I write it as a note file, screenshot it and save it as my screensaver every time I add a new thing/take something off. I look at my phone ALL THE TIME so am constantly reminded of the things I need to do, and at some point in the day the reminder and the time to do something about it RIGHT THEN coincide!

This really has helped me be less useless so would recommend. Much better than reminders on apps etc because as you say I just mute them when they go off then forget again!

LittleBearPad · 16/02/2023 11:05

Re food, Ocado does a reserved order so that every week it comes automatically. Setting this up with a useful selection of stuff means you will always have food coming and you can change the order. Other supermarkets probably do the same

Cards on phones/devices and then in your wallet. There’s little reason to get them out then and when your shopping online you don’t need your card.

Throwing one thing out is a good plan, I’ll steal the idea. The achievement will make you feel like you’re getting somewhere too.

Lurkylurks · 16/02/2023 11:12

@Rummikub "Executive function and self-regulation skills are the mental processes that enable us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully. Just as an air traffic control system at a busy airport safely manages the arrivals and departures of many aircraft on multiple runways, the brain needs this skill set to filter distractions, prioritize tasks, set and achieve goals, and control impulses."

Just pasted that from Harvard Uni child development site as not sure if it's ok to post links on mumsnet

ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ · 16/02/2023 11:17

My take is you are depressed.

ohlalalalalalalalala · 16/02/2023 11:20

ADHD

Lurkylurks · 16/02/2023 11:29

To the OP and to PP saying they've looked into ADHD but don't want to pursue a diagnosis as it's so difficult and long a process - your reasons are totally understandable and justified, but just wanted to say that I found it worth it to get access to treatment. It did take a few years and the first GP I asked about it was completely dismissive - it took a lot of advocating for myself when I already felt crappy and exhausted, but I have found medication really helpful and just to understand myself in a less judgemental way. I know what's right for me isn't necessarily the right thing for anyone else and I totally understand that it might not be worth the stress, but just in case it helps anyone to read this.

MenopauseSucks · 16/02/2023 11:40

I slap Post-It notes everywhere...
As soon as I think of something that needs doing, it's on a note stuck either next to the kettle or front door.
Obviously this assumes that I'm going to do what is on the note as I quite good at putting things off...

FizzyStream · 16/02/2023 11:47

enweto · 15/02/2023 14:10

I’m the same, if not worse, and I don’t even have children. Feel your pain. You are not alone.

Somebody will be along soon to suggest you have ADHD. Maybe we do, I don’t know.

Funnily enough I'm like this and I do have ADHD. Even if you don't, maybe try looking into websites on ADHD that very often have good tips for managing a chaotic life?

Rummikub · 16/02/2023 12:33

Lurkylurks · 16/02/2023 11:12

@Rummikub "Executive function and self-regulation skills are the mental processes that enable us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully. Just as an air traffic control system at a busy airport safely manages the arrivals and departures of many aircraft on multiple runways, the brain needs this skill set to filter distractions, prioritize tasks, set and achieve goals, and control impulses."

Just pasted that from Harvard Uni child development site as not sure if it's ok to post links on mumsnet

Thank you! My word that describes me. I really don’t understand how to plan and organise everyday things. Time is an alien concept. When my ex used to say he will drop the dc off at 8pm and he did on the dot every time I was amazed! I’m always late by at least ten minutes. I leave at the time I’m meant to be there.

Rummikub · 16/02/2023 12:36

MenopauseSucks · 16/02/2023 11:40

I slap Post-It notes everywhere...
As soon as I think of something that needs doing, it's on a note stuck either next to the kettle or front door.
Obviously this assumes that I'm going to do what is on the note as I quite good at putting things off...

Post it’s are definitely my friends too. I loved my old pc at work as could add virtual post its to my screen so I saw them Everytime I logged on. I felt a little more in control.

Thelnebriati · 16/02/2023 12:48

Have you ever timetabled your week to check there are enough hours for all the tasks?

TheFeistyFeminist · 16/02/2023 13:01

I'm on your side, so please don't take this as rude, but do you get yourself washed and dressed, make a cup of tea, get lost in a book (textbook or fiction)? If so, you can do stuff you are motivated to do.

One of the things about ADHD is about motivating to do the boring but necessary stuff.

Can you put things in plain sight?
Making a drink means kettle and fridge. So, list on fridge, or near kettle, and what can you do while kettle boils? Load or unload washer, wipe down the surfaces or similar?

For me, it's "don't sit on the sofa" or I'll never get up!

And one thing at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself or it really won't stick.

I've made great inroads this past year and am functioning better than ever because I am getting better at getting on and doing the boring but necessary stuff.

Good luck!

zingally · 16/02/2023 13:40

I was the same. But I found making lists really helps.

The area I was most hopeless in was cleaning. So I made a list of 20 things that need to cleaned, and every day I role my 20-sided dice 4 times and do whatever comes up. That little element of surprise and turning it into a little bit of a game has really helped me.