I can't adult like a proper adult!

[SleepingStandingUp]

Even I'm fed up of my useless now.

Three kids I in school, I don't work and my house and life is still chaos.

My house looks like a disaster zone (essentially clean but never tidy for long), never seem to get anything done between picking up youngest two at lunchtime and eldest at end of day. Meant to be doing Uni whilst youngest are at nursery.

Get home and it's a rush twice a week to get out to activity.

Forever losing my phone, my bank card, their reading books, their letters (even tho I implemented a plan for the latter two and in theory they all have ho.es.

Little being in nursery is actually harder as it's more of a rush to get everyone ready, do all the homeworks, reading books etc.

DH by 6, does bedtimes, helps tidy, does dinner two nights I'm out with eldest, and split over weekends.

But I'm still always behind on sorting everything.

I feel like I'm lacking some vital talent at adulting!! I'm not even young so it's not even age.

How do I get less useless and scatty?

It's very hard when they're little

Is the Uni nearby so you can work in their library during the day

I used to do this and it really helped me focus on my work

I’m like this too.
My dd recently got an adhd diagnosis and it prompted me to go thro it too as there so many parallels.

I like lists, write them but forget to look. Reminders in my phone don’t work for me. I’ve started texting myself so it’s there at the top of my messages. I don’t check when I should but I will do at some point in the day.

A physical list on the hall wall helps me to do things before leaving the house (keys, bank card, lunch, take meds) otherwise I’d forget everyday.

Slob comes clean is great and was a revelation. I realised I need things to be in front of me otherwise they don’t exist in my head.

She also helped me see that it’s pointless aspiring to hidden detailed organisation solutions but when in reality I’m a dump in one place kind of person. She describes it as macro organising.

i also have lost my keys/ bank cards numerous times. It’s embarrassing calling the bank to cancel and I think of a new excuse every time.

im dreading if my next car is keyless entry as there won’t be one place to put the key fob if there’s no ignition!

I assume you’re only child free for a maximum of 3 hours a day since you say picking up 2 youngest at lunch time? And then another 2-3 hours and you have to pick up eldest?

I’d find it hard to fit uni work into that time, especially with the general chaos of 3 small children and family life.

Is it possible to increase their nursery hours? Or to change the hours so they do 2.5 full days for example to give you a longer block of time alone?

I have autism and ADHD and I don’t find it easy.
I’m a single parent and work FT. I also used to study in the evening too.

To-do lists are your friend.
I have a general to-do list and I have alarms on my phone.
I have a yearly, monthly and weekly calendar.

Every night before I go to bed I write down what I need to do the next day.
I then write this on my alarm and I delete/cross off each one when I’ve done them.

A big tip is to put your phone down and not look at it for an hour - in that hour do as many jobs as you can.

My biggest game changer is not trying to do too much in one day as then you get overwhelmed and end up doing none of it.

Have your main tasks like washing up, cooking etc and then only have one or two extra tasks like stripping the beds, decluttering etc.

Online (OU) , I need to try the library over a coffee shop but I've never had bfast before school run so at least I get fed that way too

Bank app, then you can do it online 😂😂. My HSBC bank cards just disappear into the ether

I'll look at her, thanks

They'll be full tiek after Easter but I'm almost scared of more free time than I've ever had since I was a teen because of my ability to procrastinate. I'll have tons of revision to do, but have all these plans for clearing the house etc but I feel like I go in circles.

www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/resources/

Tumble drier, no dishwasher. I mean he does bed and then comes down and helps finish off tidying and then we sit down together. He will do loads of washing and dry it, his folding skills are atrocious tho and he can't differentiate clothes from skinny 7 yo and fat 3 yo tho so I do that. He also does all his own. And he washes up on some nights and weekends. He's def doing as much as I am once he's home and he's up earlier with the twins so I don't have to. Anything after 6.30ish I wake him instead, earlier if its actually awful

Yes, I couldn't stick to it. For a start I need time to do the big clean and declutter, which I don't, and then I can't get stuff done in the time set so I'll start one thing, then it'd like I sidestep to something else without realising and then I still have to go back to the first thing but the time is up so its worse because its now half done which means all in a mess

Thank you for all the suggestions, and empathy
I realise I'm doing the annoying thing of clogging my own thread.

Yes a bright to do list might be a good start. I have a massive 3 month diary in the loo which helps as it's visual and the place I get peace 😂😂

Think today was just esp shit when I was late for pick up as I was trying to finish some study stuff, bus was late, phone was left at school then wheel was deflated on buggy, kid opened the taxi door whilst we were driving, they've done nothing but bicker and argue, had no food in for lunch (thanks Tesco Whoosh for rescuing lunch!) and when I looked, I saw someone had drawn on the fire place.

Re ADHD, I don't have the confidence to go and speak to a GP, I feel like I'll be laughed at for wanting to be looked into, the waiting lists are crazy and I def cannot afford to go private

I worry about DS, he's so like me and I spent my childhood being the one with lost house keys, bus pass, PE kit, umbrellas. When I had a baby, so many comments about how I'd leave him on a bus (jokily said) but that's literally how bad it is

Oh god yes school letters. Must fidn the own for DS tomorrow.

Nope pad and pen a good call

My best advice is to not hit the snooze button. Don't think about anything, just get up and at 'em.

It's the only thing that works for me

I totally understand what you mean about the GP. It took me a good few years to ask by which time I could’ve been diagnosed!
Is it worth seeing if ds could be assessed? That’s what have me the confidence to approach my GP after my dd was diagnosed.

Would OU have any learning support advisers that could guide you re strategies?

I agree with all of the above. If you’re worried about talking to your GP then write it all down and give it to them in the appointment.

You also need to be realistic about how much time you have. I have a child in nursery and another in school. I know that give me only 2 hours child free a day. That’s not enough time for me to study, do all the housework and the other admin stuff.

I'm exactly like you, possibly have ADHD, definitely have "executive skills" problems in certain areas. I'm also not pursuing a diagnosis for myself right now but wanted to find ways of helping myself sort my shit out. Which is very much a work in progress.

I found Mel Robbins 5 second rule TedTalk useful, and also 13 Reasons why you life is a mess by Sunday Stylist on YouTube. Two things from these specifically have helped - counting down from 5 to actually do the thing, and reminding/forcing myself to do the thing until it's done, which is my nemesis.

It's bloody tough with 3 young kids. Half day nursery is just not enough time to get everything done. Mine are all in school now thank god but I relate to the crazy mornings and never-ending mess, endless interruptions 🤪

What helps me is the same routine every morning. DH makes V STRONG coffee for us, gets the kids up (I am terrible in the mornings) and dressed/ eating while I shower. Then he goes to work, TV goes on for 30 mins while I make beds, put a mixed wash on, eat breakfast/ ensure kids have eaten, put school things by the door (prep night before). I give them a 10 minute warning before we leave, brush hair and teeth, switch off TV, last chance for toilet/ snack/ toy then coats and shoes on and leave for school by 8.20am. Press repeat every single day. I am basically on autopilot but it helps.

And when I get home, there's only the breakfast things to throw in the dishwasher and I can get on with my work. I put my phone on focus mode which helps as I'm easily distracted. I do online shopping etc while I eat lunch. Tidy up while I'm waiting for a kettle to boil. Multitask, multitask, same every day.

I do think it will be easier once your youngest are in full time nursery.

In terms of decluttering, Just throw out one thing a day. Just one. And don't make a plan to go to the charity shop, just put one thing in the bin every day. Or two or three. But keep it tiny.
That face cream you don't actually like. That bit of a kitchen gadget but you're not sure which gadget. The pen you pick up that doesn't work but instead of putting it back in the jar, this time it goes into the bin. The broken toy, the jigsaw missing a piece. Bin.@

A big declutter is too overwhelming and thus too easy to put off. One thing a day, that you can do

Go easy on yourself

No one needs a spotless house

How can you make life easier?
Uniforms ready night before
Books sorted at same time each day for school
Extra clothes set out in small bags etc

I know it is bloody hard
Today for me was a write off I was like wtaf!!!!!

This is basically me.

What has helped a lot is AirTags on everything. They are expensive but it has drastically cut down on the amount of time I spend hunting for my keys and purse and if I loose my phone then I can call it on the house phone which is generally round and about.

I’ve saved my card to my phone and laptop so at least I can still pay for things even if the card has disappeared.

I now have a calendar and the school email out a newsletter with all the events on it so I mark it all on the calendar. There’s also a class WhatsApp group which helps for reminders too.

I find laundry really overwhelming as there just seems to be so many clothes as there’s the stuff the kids have grown out of and you have to work out what to keep for the next kid and what can now go and then what you do with it (sell/ donate etc) and that’s just never ending so interested to see if there are any ideas here.

Online shopping takes me ages and never gets finished as I’m always worried I’ve forgotten something or I get distracted half way through so I actually find I’m much faster to go to the shops one evening on my own while DH looks after the kids.

I tried TOMM but couldn’t stick with it at all. Interestingly I’ve just discovered that she does these guided clean along sessions on patreon and I find they work much better for me. I still don’t manage to do even one a day but I do a bit more in a week than I would have before so that might be worth looking into. Its £3 ish a month but there’s some free ones it might be worth having a listen to.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate though. Three small children plus uni work is an awful lot.

It sounds as if you have too much on, despite it feeling like too little. In the past (my mother's generation, say) middle-class women often had domestic help with cleaning and cooking, and very frequently nannies or other forms of childcare (including lower standards of parenting / the benign neglect of a Nesbit book). And they didn't compare themselves to their husbands or try to do university work. Working-class women had very hard lives but wouldn't usually have been trying, as you are, to carve out part of each day for intellectual work.

What matters most to you beyond your children? Is it getting a job you really want in a few years? Doing well in your degree for its own sake? Living in a tidier and better organised house? I have ADHD and medication might certainly help, but you're right that it's difficult to be prescribed on the NHS, especially without a documented history of childhood symptoms. If you can afford it, it's not difficult to be prescribed by any number of private psychiatrists in London, but then besides the appointment costs (a few hundred 2-4 times a year), you have the very expensive cost of the prescriptions. (For the few months I filled one, now more than a decade ago, it was over £100 a month.)

It may be an underlying tendency to ADHD worsened by perimenopause. (But you're probably too young for that.) If you're under 35, you might consider trying a higher estrogen contraceptive. If over 40, a trial of HRT. Higher estrogen levels in women with ADHD tend to improve focus.

I personally don't find apps devoted to helping me organise my life especially helpful. For those of us who are easily distracted and overwhelmed the smartphone and everything associated with it has been imho the work of Satan.

It sounds corny, but the best thing to try might be regarding the situation in a different light. It is what it is, you are what you are (unless able or willing to be slightly tweaked by medication). It sounds as if you have a rich life with no immediate health or financial worries and good relationships. Don't waste it wishing that your house looked like Instagram and every hour of your day could be documented as having been productive.

Was about to say exactly this.

ADHD or not (no idea if I am) I find a lot of the techniques work for me as an organisationally challenged person.

Organising for the rest of us is a good book

Re the GP, unless you happen to have god's gift to GPS, I wouldn't bother. GPs can't prescribe ADHD medication unless instructed to do so by an NHS psychiatrist. Most NHS psychiatrists lack interest or expertise in ADHD. (In the past I attended an excellent specialist ADHD clinic at Charing Cross but it's long since closed down.) Now, unless you're moving from the US and have been on medication for years or have another diagnosis (eg bipolar) serious enough already to merit regular appointments with a hospital psychiatrist (who might prescribe Ritalin or Vyvanse to augment a mood stabiliser), it is very unlikely that you're going to get to see someone who has the ability to write a letter permitting your GP to write you a prescription. You have to be properly unwell at the moment (psychotic, catatonic, manic, suicidal) to get the attention of specialist NHS psychiatrists.

Some people with ADHD find sertraline (a bog standard SSRI antidepressant, but with some affinity for dopamine) helpful. Wellbutrin is very helpful but only prescribed in the UK for giving up smoking, and currently out of stock anyway.

You can, however, buy Modafinil online, from reputable places. I personally don't find it very effective compared to ritalin or the amphetamines but some people actually prefer it and it's much more affordable than a private prescription for one of the other drugs. Depending on your risk tolerance, you might try that. (I would NOT do this if I had hypertension or family history of heart disease, and I would keep close tabs on my own blood pressure by buying a monitor even if the starting point was low/normal.)

I meant see the GP to get a referral to psychiatry uk

I am a 42 year old adult with young adult children. They look to me to be the adultier adult most of the time I'm winging it.
when they were small it was chaos the only thing that helped was sering myself bitesize tasks and actually doing them BEFORE I started anything else. Don't sweat the small stuff most of us make it up as we go along x

OP, do you have ADHD?
because from your first few posts ADHD symptoms are screaming at me!