Anyone else have DC with wildly different academic ability?

[Beemyhoney]

It's becoming so apparent now that they are at or almost at senior school and I am struggling with guilt.

My eldest is at a very academic school and my youngest is likely to go to the same.

My middle one is dyslexic and has inattentive ADHD without the hyperactivity. She is at an independent school that teaches at a pace that works for her and supports dyslexia.

I'm just finding it difficult to reconcile. I feel I've failed my middle one somehow. If only I'd read more with her, got her specialist tuition much earlier on, etc. Her primary school never flagged any problems and I only realised how far behind she was in Year 3. I kept putting it down to a summer birthday and immaturity. I thought she would catch up when she was ready but now just feel we lost too many years without proper support and I've failed her.

My eldest and youngest more or less taught themselves to read and I've spent more time trying to help my middle one with school work, but she's reluctant (because it's harder for her) and unable to focus on things in the same way.

Anyone else that has a similar family dynamic?

Yes I do.

My Dd (14) is very academic. Goes to an ordinary school but top of every class etc, and was in the juniors also.

DS is like your middle one. Likely inattentive ADHD (not hyperactive) and possibly dyslexia also - being assessed - he’s in Year 4 but everything has been slow in terms of assessments due to Covid etc. He is in all the struggling groups at school.

My eldest in the same way did all her homework etc for herself and needed no prompting. Ds is the opposite. Needs a lot of prompting and basically you need to sit down with him to every piece of homework.

I guess there’s nothing you can do but support them and give them what they need? And encourage those things the less academic kids are good at, whilst supporting them academically.

Yes, me as well.

DD14 is at a super selective grammar.

DS10 is…different. No diagnosis but probably on the spectrum, very anxious and very behind his chronological age academically.

it’s really hard. I just have to accept it’s how he is and I couldn’t have done anything differently and focus on his strengths. He is an amazing person, well behaved, kind, funny, loving.

Thanks for responding. Yes, continuing with support and probably weekly tutor lessons for a while. She thinks it's unfair that she has to spend more time studying - and it is - but I really want her to have opportunities and choices about college or uni.

We tried to focus on extra curricular in Year 4/5 as she didn't seem to have any real interests or sports sh had taken to. We are now a couple of years in with a hockey club and piano lessons and it's good she has a couple of things she enjoys. She's not exceptional at either but she enjoys them and gets a sense of accomplishment when she plays well or has a grading.

Similar for us. DC1 very behind academically as they they have SEN. DC2 doing very well - above expected for all subjects. It's tough as youngest is now catching up with my eldest.

It's tough to see my youngest breeze through homework etc in 10 minutes, which would easily taken my older one an hour and much heart ache to get through even with me helping. While, of course, I'm delighted DC2 is doing well, the comparison between the two and how easy/difficult they find things is very apparent 😔.

It's not your fault at all and good she has a diagnosis now. I found that it really helped my eldest a lot to understand why she found things harder and that it wasn't her fault or because she wasn't any good. 💐

My middle one is so sweet and charming, wonderful socially when she wants to be! She absolutely has strengths - just not ones that are quantifiable in the school years.

I still can't completely get my head around kids being so different in ability with the same two parents and keep coming back to it must have been something we did. I think she got less one to one attention from us, being the middle child.

Yes . Grown up now. My oldest ds has dyslexia diagnosed since aged 7 and found school extremely difficult. Suspected ADHD but not diagnosed. He went to college as a mature student, and it was far more supportive than school. My dd was highly academic, constantly winning prizes and graduated with first class honours etc. She absolutely thrived in the academic setting .
Now both are working and ds earns twice dds salary as she choose to work in the charity section as that's her passion.Their academic ability is no longer relevant.

You sound like all your dc are getting good opportunities to suit their needs so no need to beat yourself up. Focus on your child's strengths as dyslexic people are often highly gifted in certain areas so play to this as much as possible.

I have this. I tell myself the one who is weaker academically is learning to be a grafter - a skill the academically stronger child may never learn as she may never have to. I sailed through school without ever really applying myself. It made me lazy.

I know what you mean with the younger ones catching up. My youngest is a better speller and reader than middle one and will correct middle one (innocently) sometimes. It's really tough as I can see that she's aware her little sister is more academic and will soon overtake.

Concerned about self esteem though we try to counter this all the time. And then my eldest feels we favour our middle one unfairly - it's hard to get the balance just right.

Good to hear that perspective of grown up children now at work and the relevance of academics fading. I know this will be the case and think middle one will have better relationships and work hard at things she wants to do well at.

But for the teenage years it is tough having two at the same school with the same brilliant opportunities and one the odd one out.

I still can't completely get my head around kids being so different in ability with the same two parents and keep coming back to it must have been something we did. I think she got less one to one attention from us, being the middle child.

It's hard isn't it? But it's nothing you did. I have 2 highly academic DC and 2 not so academic (dyslexia). You really have to tell them that not everyone is academic and there is so much more to life than qualifications. It's finding what they are good at (and there will be something) and concentrating on that.

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid"

OP I was behind at school, left with 3 GCSEs at grade C, diagnosed with dyslexia, I'm a university lecturer now with a master degree undertaking a PhD. I found my niche and a way of managing. Being dyslexic doesn't mean you cannot succeed

I found school very easy and subsequently didn't make any effort. Passed all GCSES etc and got a great degree but my average brother was the 9 A's at GCSES, first class degree kid because he worked his absolute backside off.

I just CBA

Maybe don't compare the middle one to the others? She has her own talents, her own path to walk. Of course, she's her own person. With her own challenges, but her own gifts, too. What's that saying about not measuring fish by their ability to climb trees?

I have kids with very different skill sets. That's ok!

I have 5 dc. They all have different strengths and weaknesses. One has moderate learning difficulties so is much less academic than the others. But he has really good social skills that my 3 dc who have autism don't have.

My eldest is very academic and my youngest does the absolute minimum in school to coast by. I encourage and support them both and have to trust that they will find their own way in life.

My DB was the middle child with mild learning additional needs, not diagnosed until his final year of secondary school (!). My DSis and I were always top of our year. She even skipped a year and ended up in a bunch of his classes in secondary, together - he was mortified.

He worked hard. My parents did their best to support him and encourage him. He graduated with a decent degree from a high ranking university, and now he’s a lawyer getting promotions faster than all of his peers. Happily married, and a devoted uncle. And very close with both me and my DSis.

Just keep at it with your middle child and try not to overthink it. You’ll get it wrong sometimes, because I feel like most of parenting teens is getting it wrong with all the right intentions, but your DCs won’t be in school and so easily compared forever!

Both my daughters (y10 and y7) are academic but DD in yr10 is autistic and does not manage in the school environment at all. Nobody has managed to put in place any sort of support to date with the result that she hasn’t been at school for the vast majority of her time there. I used to try to force her to go but she got burnout and since I took the pressure off, she’s doing much better MH wise. Despite all this, she picks things up incredibly quickly - she’s taught herself crochet, bass and guitar in the last year.

DD yr 7 OTOH is doing really well, has a good friendship group and is one of the top point scorers in her year. Even so, she doesn’t enjoy the school environment and wants us to look at grammar school or home schooling.

Parenting DD1 has taught me a lot about letting go of expectations, reframing the meaning of success and trusting that they both have the talent to succeed, it just might not look like GCSEs, A-levels, uni.

Thanks, needed to hear these perspectives today. The tree climbing fish metaphor sums it up.

Dd1 add amazing social skills and creative - slow processing and challenged academically although very bright. Dd crazy crazy bright super selective grammar but autistic. They both have gifts and challenges. They will I think both succeed but differently. Spend lots of time supporting their interests and potential and encouraging them to see and enjoy their successes. Life is life - school is not life. They will both be ok as long as they follow the right path. Encouragement and love is all that is needed.

Dd1 is autistic and very intelligent, but struggles with spelling and to motivate herself in subjects she has no interest in, she is an amazing artist, very kind and will find her own way to achieve in life that works for her.

DD2 is very academic and will likely excel in whatever she puts her mind to. She is not as positive about herself or as confident as DD1 socially and will likely need more support emotionally with managing teen friendships.

DS is autistic and currently working 2 years behind his peers in school in most things except maths and computers. He struggles in many areas and will need support throughout his educational life and likely into adulthood. He is a lovely happy boy with a great sense of humour who makes everyone smile. He has come a very long way as he was completely non verbal in his early school years.

They are all different and have their own strengths and areas they need support with. I try not to compare them to each other, more to help them be their own personal bests and be happy being themselves.

You have not failed your middle child, they are getting the support they need now. Diagnosis and getting support in place for dyslexia and autism spectrum disorders can take a long time, DS did not have an EHCP until year 3 despite having quite considerable needs.

Both my DH who has dyslexia and my brother who had difficulty reading and concentrating liked reading comics and developed their love of reading that way. DH also loves audiobooks, you can get books that have the audiobook to listen to as they read along that might help.

It sounds like you have addressed the differences by opting for an independent for your middle child that suits their needs so you are very much balancing the scales. First born was younger in the year, a boy and in a class with 22 out of 30 who had older siblings. I was repeatedly told the penny will drop on the reading front right through to half way through Y2 when we relocated so I can completely see how things get missed and how kids end up at secondary school unable to read. Don't be hard on yourself, your middle child might turn out to be the most successful in the end. We learn very little in life from things which come naturally to us.

Imagine how I feel with twin DSs.

One of whom is extremely intelligent, got 9s in his GCSE maths and sciences with no effort, (lots of calls from school about not doing homework or coursework), now at the top UK Uni in his field with a very low acceptance rate again with minimal effort. Living in London with a great social life and loads of friends.

The other was diagnosed with severe learning difficulties at age 11, no qualifications, further diagnosed with ASD at 17, currently no educational provision, no way capable of holding down a job, can’t cook and doesn’t understand the value of money, no friends or social life, living at home mainly gaming, sleeping most of the day with depression and social anxiety.

Both brought up exactly the same, in the same household with the same parents!

I used to beat myself up terribly that I did something wrong with DTS2. No ASD or learning disability in our families. Luckily we had loads of home videos and I remember sitting for hours watching them all, after he was first diagnosed, convinced I must have ignored him/behaved differently with him but it showed the complete opposite. I’d put one down then pick up the other, kiss and cuddle them, buy two of the same toys they liked so one didn’t have one the other wanted etc.

My oldest and youngest DC are singletons and again are wildly different academically. Oldest didn’t get a single GCSE at Grade C and above but did later go to Uni and got a 2:1 as she wasn’t ready to study before that. Youngest has recently been offered an academic scholarship at a super selective private school and is a mini Einstein.

Neither DH or me did particularly well in school.

IME kids are all different even within the same family. Don’t compare them or try to force them to be what you think they should be (not saying you are of course) just love them and accept them for who they are.

It's not your fault that your daughters dyslexia and ADHD weren't picked up earlier, she's getting supports now.

But you may make her feel that she's not good enough if your focus is on improving her academic attainments, and if you express concerns about what she'll do in college or university. If she's finding school a challenge university may not be the best place for her - maybe an apprenticeship would suit her better? Maybe she'd be happy driving a bus? She needs to know that she's good enough as she is, that she's supported without feeling that she needs to be fixed.

I have a wide range of different abilities among mine. Those who are less academic have their own abilities and talents that others might not have. The world needs those skills too. Intelligence is measured in more ways than school performance. I always really felt for the less academic ones with learning disabilities. It must be so tough for them to come from very academic parents, see their two siblings top their courses and get awards for it, while they don't. I've always been very conscious of making sure they know they are valued for who they are and their own abilities, and that being academic is not the be all and end all. "You are more than your grades."

I think that for some parents it's very important that their child goes to university, get a good degree and a good job. If you are acidemic school can be easy but if you have some additional needs school can be hard. It like trying to put a square peg into a round hole.
You know that your daughter now has additional needs and she is in a school that suits her. I would look at what she likes, is good at and see what jobs would suit her. Long term a more vocational course after school could be a better fit. These course can lead to good jobs/careers.

I know a man who is now in his 40's and he was not good in school but was good with his hands. His mother sent him to a school where he could do more practical subjects. He left school, did an apprenticeship and won medals here for the quality of his work. Later he did more courses and he now does a very specialised job and earns a good living.