Anyone else have DC with wildly different academic ability?

[Beemyhoney]

It's becoming so apparent now that they are at or almost at senior school and I am struggling with guilt.

My eldest is at a very academic school and my youngest is likely to go to the same.

My middle one is dyslexic and has inattentive ADHD without the hyperactivity. She is at an independent school that teaches at a pace that works for her and supports dyslexia.

I'm just finding it difficult to reconcile. I feel I've failed my middle one somehow. If only I'd read more with her, got her specialist tuition much earlier on, etc. Her primary school never flagged any problems and I only realised how far behind she was in Year 3. I kept putting it down to a summer birthday and immaturity. I thought she would catch up when she was ready but now just feel we lost too many years without proper support and I've failed her.

My eldest and youngest more or less taught themselves to read and I've spent more time trying to help my middle one with school work, but she's reluctant (because it's harder for her) and unable to focus on things in the same way.

Anyone else that has a similar family dynamic?

My kids are pretty equal although Dd more maths / science and ds more social subjects etc

Anyways I am one of 3. 2 of us got very good a levels and degrees. The other wasn't as academic but did well in other ways eg sports. There was definitely bitterness from them when we were younger (eg when I passed my exams they were very upset which was ..... nice))

I don't know that there's much to do other than encourage them to do what makes them happy / what they're good at.

So this was my sister and I. I’m dyslexic and found every aspect of school hard - had to work really hard at all times. My 2 year younger sister learnt to read upside down when I was struggling away from my books. She sailed through school including uni/ masters etc. I have 2 children - ds is dyslexic and has to work really hard, dd (2 years younger) finds everything much easier and is doing incredibly well.

what I remind myself is that I celebrate their differences and how well both of them are doing. I’d you look at my sister and I you would not know who was more successful at school and on the surface I have a far more academic job. But we are both happy - I couldn’t do what she does nor she me! I just hope ds finds strategies to cope and it doesn’t affect his self esteem like it did mine for a time

Yup we do. DD1 really hard worker, bright and focused on what she wants. Now at uni
DD2 very bright and focused no idea what she wants to do. Actually most worried about her. 2nd year at Lycee, one left.
DD3 dyslexic but knows what she wants to do and now she's in training focused more on that really going great guns.
DS really dyslexic. Will be going to study

Posted be accident. DS will be doing vocational training in industrial maintenance at Lycee next year. Lots of possibilities for more specialist training post Lycee.

I (eldest) went to a super selective indie school on a full scholarship. I went to one of the best Unis for my field (STEM), and stayed for Masters and PhD. I also have Combined ADHD and SpLDs.

My three younger siblings went to the local school, got a handful of C grades between them, none did A Levels.

In financial terms, the most successful one of us is my hairdresser sibling, who owns their salon, the two apartments above it (rents them out), has a tiny mortgage on her home and is renovating a much bigger house that she’ll move into at the end of this year.

I went through a divorce after ExH developed an addiction that decimated us financially, had to sell up, will never own another house, and had to take a different, lower paid job as my DCs have wildly varying needs.

My eldest is like me; my middle is average, has ASD, is wildly talented with languages (more or less fluent in 2), my youngest is primary aged with severe SpLDs.

I wouldn’t even bother trying to predict any of their futures based on their academic capabilities. It’s just one factor of many, in a constantly changing picture, that’s mostly affected by things other than what we do/don’t do as parents.

Myself and my children have inattentive ADHD and it doesn't have to affect academics as we all got into grammar school.
But I think the issue is you are judging your children by academics - neuro diverse people have different skills. You have not failed your daughter - the opposite as it sounds like she has a alot of support. But if you are putting emphasis on academics than you are going to destroy her confidence. Research the strengths of dyslexia and ADHD and famous / successful people who have them and explore her unique set of skills that she will have you just need to uncover them and researching what these could be is a good start.

You could have written this about my family! I'm the middle child - way less academic and I have dyslexia. We've all achieved things in different ways. You're doing everything you can for all your children. Make sure they know you love them and provide reassurance for those times that they will inevitably feel a little envious

Following with interest.

DC1 has dyslexia and ADD and a lot of anxiety around school. They've had fantastic support throughout primary and secondary, but it's taken hours of weekly parental input in terms of organising and mobilising professionals and support and liaising with agencies, teachers and support staff, for years, in order to get to a point where DC1 is basically attending school and working to a very negotiated timetable. DC1 is smart, creative and socially charismatic, just not academic.

DC2 is altogether different, and interestingly, although dyslexia has been flagged, triggering in-school screening for traits (not dyslexic), DC1 does not have the same challenges that DC1's ADD presents, and this has made all the difference: DC2 breezes through learning, is able to sustain attention, maintain concentration, keep up hobbies and progress with things at a pace DC1 just can't. DC2 is due to move to DC1's school next year and will already be ahead academically and I do wonder what comparisons will be made.

Yes.
The one who is average, the one who is gifted. Both adults now.
The average one is happier, more mentally stable and generally more relaxed.

I think your post comes across as though you think is too late somehow. Also think you are focusing g too much on academia being the bench mark instead of seeing what your middle child is really good at and making sure they have every opportunity to feel good about themselves.

Tutoring is a fantastic idea. Don’t try and put them into a school that’s going to squash them and make them feel less than. It’s might be that they go to a different school. I know parents that have one in a high tier private school abd one that goes to state (on the child’s wishes). That’s absolutely fine. The worst scenario is a child that constantly feels like they’ve failed by comparison to their peer group/siblings and suffer poor mental health as a consequence.

Trying to claw your way back from mental health problems is infinitely worse than catching up with school work.

I had two highly intelligent siblings and I was below average.

It was hard hearing how they'd have to get me up to the standard of going to university as it felt that anything else would be a failure. I did make it to university but the pressure to get there was immense.

Please make sure she knows that not getting good GCSE grades is not a problem, won't ruin her life and she can choose a different path, or do them again if she wishes.

for me it felt that the only important thing was academics. (I also think my parents were ashamed I wasn't bright).

Now as an adult one sibling died from mental health problems, the other has struggled with his mental health all of his life and has an entry level job. Average Joe over here has a pretty average job and life but it's certainly preferable to the others.

Academic success does not necessarily equate to financial success later in life and it certainly doesn't guarantee happiness.

Yes. Dc in year 11 and 8.
DC1 top sets, encyclopaedic knowledge of everything, heading for 7s and 8s.
DC2 bottom sets, needs a lot of support.

Both autistic.

Very difficult to manage relationship between two- dc1 doesn’t understand why I give dc2 so much help and will constantly (feels like anyway) ask him questions to trip him up - why don’t you know the square root of xyz, I knew that in year 6.

DC2 does work really hard though, whereas DC1 can be a bit lazy. Hopefully that will help long term with closing the gap.

Boys boys are very academic, DD isn't - she's very average and also has inattentive ADHD, however, she's incredibly sociable, great at navigating inter-peer relationships and is very attractive!

I think she'll be able to navigate a great career in something which utilises her skills.

She's also at a less academic school who is great at supporting her.

Well it is inherited so surely you or DH have signs - how did you both manage school.
I would support her to do everything she has an interest in - I have recently been diagnosed at 61!! - I worked in the NHS but I dont' think a team situation was right - I should have been on my own at a desk doing something to do with spreadsheets or similar.

I have a very similar dynamic and I certainly don’t feel guilty over it. It is what it is. All differences are celebrated. They all have their different strengths. I wouldn’t presume your most academic child will have the most success in life either.

My brother has dyslexia. There was very little support for it when he was at school (he's 50) and I know that he found things difficult compared to me (I sailed through school with excellent exam results).

As adults we are both happy with good careers.

My parents tried to downplay my academic achievements - I think sometimes they went too far, by not mentioning something which he later found out about and felt had been hidden from him. They were doing it with good intentions though.

I have similar, my less academic DC did very well at GCSE a couple of years ago thanks to hard work and shorter exams. He's now really struggling with A Levels and likely to get Cs and Ds. The grades in themselves don't bother me at all. I just worry that he won't get on to a course to do his vocational career choice. I wish we had encouraged him to do a different level 3 course as he'd probably have more options now. This is very specific I know but I think it's worth planning ahead if your DC has particular career ambitions.

No children but my sister and I were very much opposite ends of the academic spectrum! My sister was always very bright, straight A's, did well at school. I was average at best and needed a tutor to get me through GCSE's. As we've grown up, I've realised I've got a different type of 'smarts' than my sister. I excelled in my career by going straight into work rather than university, gap year, work. I've matured a lot faster by doing this and could handle professional pressures much better than she could/can. It all balances out in the end as we get older and all you can do is focus on the strengths of all your children and build then up that way (whilst seeking support for the things they need help with). It's a long game.

OP - she is only the 'odd one out' if you are telling your children you are rating them by their academic achievements. I have inattentive ADHD and my parents would tell me that I am not as good at maths and my older sister and brother were more academic than me and I had to choose a lower level maths level etc etc.
In my last year of my primary school the Australia government started testing children for our IQ and problem solving ability...and my results appeared in the top 2.5% of 26,000 children and I was sent to a programme to finish high school and enter uni by 15. But I still to this day think I am bad at maths and my older brother and sister are brighter than me. I literally have a maths phobia now and my brain refuses to remember figures.
If you have inattentive ADHD you have a hyperactive brain and think of many things at once - but if we hyperfocus we then use our brains to think of the same thing at once but in just many ways...that's why we are good at problem solving. Teach her how to kick start her ability to hyperfocus....really explore what she is interested in. Look at her hobbies or what she spends time looking at on social media. People with ADHD have low dopamine...but if we like something we get a dopamine rush and this triggers are ability to hyperfocus and be better at certain things usually than other people with normal dopamine levels.

I think, gently, that you are worrying way too much about academics and not thinking enough about the total picture.

Ds is smart, problem solver, independent, resilient.... but has a processing disorder and executive function issues (almost meets threshold for dyspraxia and probably has inattentive adhd) and his academics are appalling. Dd on the other hand is sailing through school with very little help.

But they both have very different personalities and strengths. Ds is empathetic, calm in a crisis, resilient etc - he is caring and insightful and very happy to keep trying until he gets it (when it's important to him). He's interested i joining the police force or, if he can do ok in science, something like physiotherapy.

Dd is smart, logical, creative, also a problem solver but v different type, organised, playful. She is already thinking about science or engineering because that's the way her mind works. She wants to build and invent things.

Different children have different strengths. It's your job to help them grow these.

Surely it's obvious each child is an individual? I'm not sure forcing your middle child to do more studying will be helpful, maybe a vocational course would suit them more. Your dd is right it's not fair and it's more about your own anxiety than helping them.

Trying to judge all your children by the same standards is just setting them up to fail imo.

Stop beating yourself up.

You have researched and probably fought and got each of your children into a school that works for them.

There are so many children both NT and ND not having the needs met who are in a mental health crisis as a result-and yours seem calm and settled and happy as you are ensuring their own specific needs are met and pushing your ideal vision aside and working to let go of it. I think you are doing an amazing job.

Children find their own way and progress at different times. She may well hit on a degree topic she loves and get a first. The others being perhaps more social animals might party too hard and get a 2:2 2:1. Both experiences are worthy but different.

Ask any of those parents with a child in a mental health crisis and they would say they don't give a crap about academia they just want a happy safe child. And you have that! It's a readjustment perhaps of your own values and how you were brought up. Her results may be middling but are going to be incredibly well fought for and that's amazing.

Me and my brother
I was very strong accademically. Top of class every year. Degrees, PhD, all the package.

My brother struggled the whole time. My family hired a lot of help to get him through high school. My parents were terrified when he wanted to go to art school.

10 years later, he is an artist recognized at international level earning maybe 10x more than me.

😉

It sounds like you're supporting middle child really well & encouraging extra curricular.

Is there a disparity between you & DH? Are you both successful? I think it's difficult when parents are successful & a child doesn't feel they are as good as the rest of the family. But you are giving every opportunity possible. I don't think academic excellence always equates to a successful adult life.