Anyone else have DC with wildly different academic ability?

[Beemyhoney]

It's becoming so apparent now that they are at or almost at senior school and I am struggling with guilt.

My eldest is at a very academic school and my youngest is likely to go to the same.

My middle one is dyslexic and has inattentive ADHD without the hyperactivity. She is at an independent school that teaches at a pace that works for her and supports dyslexia.

I'm just finding it difficult to reconcile. I feel I've failed my middle one somehow. If only I'd read more with her, got her specialist tuition much earlier on, etc. Her primary school never flagged any problems and I only realised how far behind she was in Year 3. I kept putting it down to a summer birthday and immaturity. I thought she would catch up when she was ready but now just feel we lost too many years without proper support and I've failed her.

My eldest and youngest more or less taught themselves to read and I've spent more time trying to help my middle one with school work, but she's reluctant (because it's harder for her) and unable to focus on things in the same way.

Anyone else that has a similar family dynamic?

Re @TrinnySmith - Conditions may be inherited/genetic but it's not as simple as saying one or both parents "surely" have them. Things being genetic doesn't mean every characteristic you have is always expressed in one or other of your parents.

I see this re: children's conditions all the time and it really isn't that simple. Yes, often dyslexic children/children with ADHD or autism, or dyspraxia, have others in their family with the same or similar conditions - sometimes their parents. But not always. Some genetic causes can be recessive or down to random gene mutations/deletions.

I get this with my DC and sometimes I've faced "so which of you did they get it off then?" which is annoying and very unhelpful in any case.

To answer the initial question - yes, I am in this boat. Older DC with SEN is being caught up by younger sibling. It's also hard to see the older one fall behind at school and I do feel judged as a parent (add "parents these days don't teach their children to do XXXX any more as they can't be bothered!" "My child is bright because I read to them from being a newborn and care enough to invest in their education!" to the annals of crappy remarks we've faced over the years). But I really have tried and all we can do is value them and make them feel loved.

My aunt was in a very similar situation to you @Beemyhoney .

Eldest was very academic, got moved up a year twice during primary school, ended up at Oxford, is currently very high up in the accounts department for one of the big corporates.

Middle was dyslexic, wasn't picked up on until I think year 4. Got out of school at 16 and got an apprenticeship with a carpenter. Now has his own business, his Dad did the accounts for a while until he could afford to pay someone to do them for him.

Youngest was average academically, but really has the gift of the gab. Went to Uni but dropped out halfway through. She's one of the most likable people you've ever met, and you always feel she's completely on top of everything and in control. As a result she interviews spectacularly. Has never not been offered a job she's interviewed for.

All 3 of them are loaded by my standards, but by far the richest is the middle child. I'd also say he's the happiest in his job. Academic ability definitely gives you a boost through school and the early years of adulthood, but it is by no means the only way to be successful. Find your child's strengths, and support them to see that these are equally important

Yes I have one that's not academic at all but is very personable and virtually everyone who meets him loves him. And I have one who is extremely academic but standoffish and not very tolerant of 'stupid people' his words not mine. I have raised them the same. They are both boys.

Thanks for experiences, points of view and that reminder that the big picture isn't always affected by how well they do in school. My husband and I are not academics. We are very average by today's standards - first in family to attend Uni - working class parents.

We are not an academic family - I encourage reading and learning (about anything) and try to give them creative outlets and to widen their horizons.

I'm not focused on academics I don't think, but we have just been through the 11+ and it's clear now they will be at different schools, and middle one does notice she's not the same type of personality/make up as her siblings. I'm sad that when they're older, and the eldest and youngest travel to school together, the middle one will go off alone. It sounds a bit crazy when I write it down but I worry about their sibling relationship and how they may not be close when they're older. I already see eldest and youngest gravitate towards each other and middle one is left out sometimes. Because she's just not as mature, academic, on a slightly different footing or level to them. So different schools would just be another divide.

This thread has been great for reminding me to celebrate their strengths and make sure they're all supported with their different interests so thank you. And to add, my husband and I often say that we think our middle child will be the more successful one as an adult because of her sense of fun, empathy, ability to work in a team.

Sister - plodded, passed GCSEs, mostly Cs. Ds and Es at A Level. Ex poly uni.
Me - top in everything, A*s in most things, Russell Group uni.
Brother - averaged F in GCSEs, catering college, retail work.

Mum was proud of all of us. I'm autistic. Brother has dyslexia and ADHD.

My mother was in this position. I was a very academically able child, flew through school, got an Oxbridge degree. My elder sister struggled enormously at school. Bottom sets for everything, I think she got one GCSE. We were at literal opposite ends of the scale.

My mum had nothing to feel guilty about, the differences between me and my sister were absolutely innate and nothing to do with parenting. I do remember that she cried with frustration when my sister enrolled on an adult maths course, as the work she was set was primary school level, and my mum just couldn't understand how she was still working at that level. I honestly don't know if my mum blamed herself for that outcome, or the education system, or if she knew that blame was futile and was just raging at the unfairness of nature.

Realistically, there was never anything that my mother could do to bridge the academic gap between her daughters. Achieving similar outcomes for us was not an option on the table. But as an adult, and more so now that I have my own children, I started to realise just how skilled she had been at the aspects that were in her control. She took such care to treat me and my sister as individuals. I got praised and rewarded for my A grades, and my sister was equally praised and rewarded for her achievements (submitting her NVQ coursework on time, getting a job interview). My sister was allowed to find her own level and her own path without feeling "lesser than". And my mother was very conscious that her pride in my achievements was never used as a barometer for my sister.

So you can absolutely make a massive difference to your non-academic child, but perhaps not necessarily in the way you are thinking. Don't try to bring your less able child up to your able child's level - prioritise valuing your child for themselves, and don't get caught up in fruitless comparisons between them. And ultimately you need to find a way to genuinely value non-academic achievements, because your children will pick up on any platitudes.

I think being sad because they don't all go to the same highly academic school is sad. You should be celebrating that your children are different and have different strengths and encouraging all of them to see and appreciate the differences between them.

DD goes to DS for advice about bullying boys in her class, they play chess together (she's the "smart" younger one but he kicks her ass every single time), they have their own little games. They may well go to the same school but DD is probably a candidate for grammar or might choose to go to a single sex school that is more traditionally academic than the school DS attends.

I had friends at school whose siblings went to different schools becuase that's what worked for each. it didn't make them less or more than each other and in fact it broadened their respective social circles etc.

You need to stop focusing on your middle child's weaknesses and expressing sadness. Start thinking about what's good - she enjoys music and puts the effort in, brilliant - celebrate that. What other things might she enjoy?

I don't feel sad that they won't go to the same academic school. I feel sad that my middle one would like to be at the same school as older sibling, and wants all the same things as my eldest - for school work to be a breeze for example.

But conversely she has learnt to work hard - something my eldest hasn't yet learned.

There is of course another massive variable in all this in that you have 3 children. Middle child syndrome is a 'thing' on it's own - you'll never really know if they would feel 'different' to siblings even if you had 3 identikit DC.

So many parents on here with one super academic kid and another that isnt “just” non academic but dyslexic, dyspraxic, autistic, hyperactive, ADD, inattentive, processing disorder, executive function issues, phobic….

totally agree with not demonizing kids for not being academic, and not denying these conditions exist, but its quite interesting and sad i guess that almost every poster here needs a label to explain away average or poor grades in themselves or a child.

Please don't pigeon hole them.

I was the 'dumb' twin my whole life, I was the social butterfly and they were the smart one.

I suspect I have inattentive adhd. But had some great teachers for gcse and a-levels and ended up doing better than my twin! If I hadn't had good teachers my esteem was so low id not have bothered.

It's about finding the right stimulation and methods of learning/revision.

You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. She’ll have plenty of talents and may perfectly well do better in life than the other two- that really wouldn’t be unusual.

For her sake, let go of the guilt. Right now you sound like you think you could have fixed her if you’d twigged earlier. You couldn’t, she is who she is and that’s fine. Just support her as she is now.

I do, eldest not academic with some difficulties, works for a big supermarket but training up for management,

Middle child is academic, loves learning and is off to uni.

Youngest absolutely hates school but is very personable. They annoy teachers but have a charming personality, they want an apprenticeship.

They are all different but they all contribute to society therefore I’ve not failed.

I find this offensive - having dyslexia allowed me to have extra time in order to achieve my potential in exams and make it fairer on me compared to my peers. It wasn’t something my parents did to explain me being less academic than my sister! Getting my son to be assessed was because I could see him struggling, as I did. It enables us to ensure school take seriously the challenges he faces and don’t just think he is lazy not learning his tables. He has to work x10 times harder than his sister but the diagnosis never was an excuse for me nor will it be for him. Equality doesn’t mean equity.

clearly this has touched a nerve for me but this is not about labelling children for anything other than for them to access support they deserve!

point taken - but my observation is only that almost every person who has replied on this thread sharing their experiences has cited a medical diagnosis for their non academic.

do you think these conditions are genuinely this ubiquitous and every non academic child can be explained by a medical condition? Or … could it be that people sometimes are uncomfortable with the notion that their child is a “low” performer and seek external explanations for children not performing to certain academic levels?

but if you give someone extra time in exams they will tend to do better, so that for me is no particular proof of them being dyslexic or not.

to be clear not pointing the finger at any specific individual on this thread, or as ive said implying that non academic children dont have other kinds of potential.

A child having to work a lot harder than their peer for the same result isn’t necessarily proof of dyslexia for instance. Some children will just have less aptitude for things than others. As i said not referring to any person on this thread in particular but wondering on a macro level if there is some pathologising of non academic children going on.

No the proof is the assessment that takes place which provides the diagnosis? The extra time is the mitigating factor for a child whose processing speed is slower in order for them to be able to achieve a fair result.

I fully recognise that my child may not be as academic. Being dyslexic is just one part of how that displays- a specific learning difficulty. 🤷‍♀️

like i said, i’m not talking about any individual case but just observing on a broader level. Could it genuinely be the case that almost every non academic child is dyslexic or has another medical condition? Maybe. But it seems unlikely to me.

No your right - part of the issue is that children can be in a class with other children who are nearly an entire year older than them if summer borns. Those without a significant need might just be younger than their peers. Yet there is an ‘expected’ line in the sand from schools for children at the end of each school year or key stage that doesn’t recognise the difference this makes. Especially in early years/ ks1….

Yes. My eldest is at a grammar and my 2nd eldest is at an independent sen school (not paid by me, through his EHCP). They are both in the right places for their needs. It is what it is. You just have to do the best for each child and not try and compare (I know that is easier said than done). It is hard seeing one child do so well and another struggling with basic speech for example, but I just try and make sure they both get the best suitable opportunities available.

my sister is not dyslexic but I always did much better than her in school - I just suited that particular academic environment. Now we are adults she earns more than twice what I do, she has a lot of different, non academic skills that have allowed her to thrive in the world of work, whereas I have struggled with the transition out of the academic world and took a lot longer to find my niche, and am still seriously considering a return to academia. Remember grades are not the only thing we need to be successful, we’ll rounded adults, and it sounds like you are giving your daughter lots of opportunities to develop as a fully rounded, successful person.

Yes. Similar to you I have a middle child who has dyslexia/dyscalculia and is very much "behind" usual academic expectations. She's in Year 7.

My eldest son is 14 and is pretty capable - with some effort will get good GCSEs.

My youngest son is still in primary and very able. He easily meets expectations in every subject and is a very capable reader/speller/mathematician.

However, despite being academically behind my daughter is extremely socially able. She is a delight to be with, very very kind and has a bunch of lovely friends. She's great at making new friends. She has a confidence that the boys don't have. I worry sometimes and wonder if she will achieve much academically BUT she has so much going for her which I'm hoping will somehow pull her through.....

Yes, two incredibly high flyers; two very motivated and intelligent, both doing professional postgrad work; and one unmotivated in some subjects, loves others, and has dyscalculia.

Currently trying to get her to figure out what she wants to study at third level and where she might get in with extremely patchy grades from high school (US).

@GreenestValley

In the case of my DD with dyscalculia, she's been diagnosed. She did the usual placement test for writing and math before entering high school and scored in the 6th percentile for math. 94% of the other students scored better than her. The school's ed psychologist provided an assessment and she ticked all the boxes. She was placed on a math track where she got block scheduling and a huge amount of teacher support. Ended up with college algebra and trig level math under her belt after four years. I'm very proud of her for putting in the effort she put in, and her teachers always commended her leadership in math classes, working in small groups. Hoping her solid work experience during two gap years will stand for something as she completes university applications.

It’s not just academics that get you far in life. Being smart, capable and good socially gets you a long way. Boreds Dd will likely leapfrog her brothers career wise.