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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get colleague a valentines gift?

84 replies

drunkornot · 13/02/2023 18:47

YABU = don’t buy
YANBU = buy

The colleague who sits next to me is lovely. We talk all day at work, although we don’t socialise outside of work. Known her for 2 years.

She suffered a recent bereavement and has pretty much had to hold everything together whilst the rest of her family grieves. Her husband also died years ago, and she said today that she hasn’t celebrated Valentine’s Day since his passing.

AIBU unreasonable to get her a rose or a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day tomorrow? We’re both women so it’s just to be a friendly gesture as she’s been through a lot. I don’t want her to think I’m being weird though.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 13/02/2023 18:48

YANBU X

Sunshineandrainbow · 13/02/2023 18:49

I would do Chocs or tulips

Ludo19 · 13/02/2023 18:50

Lovely gesture.

Merkins · 13/02/2023 18:51

Flowers or chocs would be really sweet. If you get on very well then it’s a lovely way of saying you’re thinking of her.

Oysterbabe · 13/02/2023 18:51

Maybe she doesn't want to celebrate since losing her husband. She's a colleague and I think it crosses a line.

MrsaJ1982 · 13/02/2023 18:52

Maybe a bunch of tulips or something. Maybe just say “hey I know this is a difficult time of year for you I hope they make you smile”

SgtCatherineCawood · 13/02/2023 18:52

I think I'd maybe get something that's not valentines related ie some nice biscuits or cakes to share. As someone else said maybe she doesn't want to celebrate it

GoodChat · 13/02/2023 18:53

I think tulips is a nice suggestion. It's more personal and less cliché

Lavender14 · 13/02/2023 18:54

I'd tread carefully because she maybe doesn't celebrate since her husband passing because it's too painful for her so she prefers to treat it like any other day. If you feel the need to do something I'd buy you both something very small like wee chocolate heart lollipops to have on your tea break together.

watchfulwishes · 13/02/2023 18:54

I think that would be a bit weird, sorry.

AreBearsCatholic · 13/02/2023 18:56

I also vote for weird but if you do it get yellow flowers and put a very visible ‘thanks for being a great colleague’ to avoid misunderstandings.

BatshitBanshee · 13/02/2023 18:57

I would do a small box of chocs! I wouldn't do flowers, but only because they're not as easy to slip into a handbag during the day and she'll no doubt have nosy parkers making comments about flowers on V Day - and it may make her feel the loss of her husband even more.

I think it's a lovely idea OP. YANBU.

Wrongsideofpennines · 13/02/2023 18:57

I'd go for something not valentinesy. So tulips or an orchid in a pot but not roses or milk tray. And a note to say you're thinking of her.

But also who celebrates Valentines day when they're single?!

Sage396 · 13/02/2023 18:58

I actually wouldn't. She's not expecting you to, so won't notice if you don't, but if you do, it could be a sensitive subject and not something she'd enjoy.

I feel like most people don't mark Valentine's day when they don't have a partner, so I don't think it's necessary.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/02/2023 18:59

OP, I think your sentiment is lovely & any other day I'd say 'do it!'

But Valentines Day - I'm not sure. I am not a big fan but the year after I separated from my awful H, a few people sent well-meaning greetings on Valentines Day, and although I appreciated the gesture, I didn't like it, it felt somehow patronising. I was happy to ignore the day.

It's not the same as your colleague of course & she may be thrilled.

It's a very kind thought either way.

MajesticElephant · 13/02/2023 19:01

I wouldn’t. My mum died on Valentine’s Day and I just want to forget the whole fucking thing every year. It’s like some kind of cruel torture.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 19:01

Oysterbabe · 13/02/2023 18:51

Maybe she doesn't want to celebrate since losing her husband. She's a colleague and I think it crosses a line.

I think so too.

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 13/02/2023 19:01

I don't think it's weird at all but I do think you need to be mindful as to the reason why she doesn't celebrate. You know her, we don't, would she be triggered and get upset if you acknowledge the day or would she be touched and appreciate you've acknowledged the day? I'd go with a small sweet treat for you both to share with a cuppa if you do decide to go ahead as flowers or a gift to take home may trigger her later whereas the sweet treat all evidence is gone and its a nice memory later if that makes sense?

Militarywife7 · 13/02/2023 19:02

I would maybe wait until Easter, I used to pop an egg or bunny on the desks of my friends/colleagues desks. That way you’re showing her you care but it’s less Valentines related.

MasterBeth · 13/02/2023 19:02

Weird AF.

QueSyrahSyrah · 13/02/2023 19:03

What a lovely thought OP. If you're not sure how she'd take it, maybe you could get some Valentines chocolates or biscuits and frame them as a little treat for 'us' so open them and have them between your desks to share?

FWIW I sometimes pick up a bunch of daffodils / Easter egg / advent calendar for my two team members, just as a little mark of appreciation or a bit of fun. I'm 99% certain neither of them think it's weird!

DuplicateUserName · 13/02/2023 19:04

I'd hate that but we're all different and only you know this woman.

I'd hate it if my husband was dead, as it would feel weird and a bit....I can't think of the word but 'encroaching' or something?

I'd get her something nice at Easter perhaps.

Getir · 13/02/2023 19:04

I think it;s a bit odd to get her any thing valentine related. Buy her a nice cake to have with her coffee.

BudgeUpAnne · 13/02/2023 19:04

I would do it any day other than valentine's day. That would be a bit weird to me.
Why don't you just give her something on another random day and say that you wanted to do something nice for her because of everything she's been through?

BMW6 · 13/02/2023 19:05

Please don't do it on Valentines day. A year after my fiance died (this was 30+ years ago) I got an anonymous Valentine card and it really knocked me sideways. Put it straight in the bin.

Just give her some flowers on another day.