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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get colleague a valentines gift?

84 replies

drunkornot · 13/02/2023 18:47

YABU = don’t buy
YANBU = buy

The colleague who sits next to me is lovely. We talk all day at work, although we don’t socialise outside of work. Known her for 2 years.

She suffered a recent bereavement and has pretty much had to hold everything together whilst the rest of her family grieves. Her husband also died years ago, and she said today that she hasn’t celebrated Valentine’s Day since his passing.

AIBU unreasonable to get her a rose or a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day tomorrow? We’re both women so it’s just to be a friendly gesture as she’s been through a lot. I don’t want her to think I’m being weird though.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2023 19:42

Getir · 13/02/2023 19:04

I think it;s a bit odd to get her any thing valentine related. Buy her a nice cake to have with her coffee.

Agree with Above. It could be a bit sensitive to buy flowers etc.. but
A nice cup cake for both to have with coffee won't call too much attention.

But not too Valentinsey ...

I expect she just appreciates having such a thoughtful kind colleague and that's all you need to do.

Hidingawaytoday · 13/02/2023 19:48

onionringcheeseypuff · 13/02/2023 19:29

Buy two cakes from greggs or whatever and say, we can be our own valentines eh? I think including yourself will make it seem less of a pitying gesture

I think this sounds nice. I definitely wouldn't do flowers - while it seems like a nice gesture, as a pp said, they won't be very easy to hide and likely to invoke questions/comments she'll probably want to avoid.

Riri24 · 13/02/2023 19:52

I think this is a lovely gesture. I'd probably go for some chocolates or nice biscuits to share on your break.

Queryer · 13/02/2023 20:02

I think the nomination idea is best. An ex-colleague once described how their former work team decorated their office to support them after a bereavement but they found it insensitive and responded by trashing the room. Not saying your colleague would do this but sometimes it’s hard to know how others will react to reminders of trauma especially on specific calendar days.

enweto · 13/02/2023 20:07

It’s a nice gesture but I wouldn’t do Roses. Bit weird. Get her a flapjack or something and say Happy Valentines Day jokingly.

enweto · 13/02/2023 20:08

onionringcheeseypuff · 13/02/2023 19:29

Buy two cakes from greggs or whatever and say, we can be our own valentines eh? I think including yourself will make it seem less of a pitying gesture

good idea

DillDanding · 13/02/2023 20:09

I think it’s really weird.

Buy her flowers. But not on Valentine’s Day.

PinkBuffalo · 13/02/2023 20:11

Oh no reading these responses I am officially a weirdo lol
OP I am single and always have been. Last few years I have made some REALLY special friends including at least one colleague these are people are are really good to me and helps look after me
EVery year I get the people most special to me a little net of pink chocolate hearts from home bargains and give them to them. Actually unless I am completely getting the wrong end of the stick (which being as I am autistic could be possible!) people are really happy to get them and know how much I love them! I have a vegan friend this year and she has got a small bar of vegan chocolate I will give her when I see her tomorrow
I say get her some chocolates life is miserable enough we need to show people we love them I think it is important

mediumbrownmug · 13/02/2023 20:16

If you’re at all unsure, I would err on the side of caution and stick with the nomination. The whole situation sounds quite sensitive, and if she has felt safe mentioning her personal life to you I wouldn’t risk making it awkward for her.

If you’d like to be kind, maybe bring in an extra coffee that morning. I wouldn’t say it’s for Valentine’s Day or anything, just bring it in and say you’d gotten one for yourself and grabbed an extra. It’s nice to be thought of, but I would steer clear of any reminders that might make an already difficult day harder for her. You sound like a thoughtful colleague and friend. :)

Mugparrot · 13/02/2023 20:23

Oh god no.

She's told you she doesn't celebrate Valentines since her DH died, you'd be trampling all over that for the sake of feeling that you're doing something nice.

You can be a good friend in a million ways that don't involve imposing you're self on something she's told you was about DH. Ask her to go for coffee or a drink. Buy her a little birthday present or Friday treat, but not Valentine.

TBh even without the dead husband, that's a bit weird.

Skyrimisveryrelaxing · 13/02/2023 20:26

isnt that what galentines is for?

plumduck · 13/02/2023 20:31

No sorry she's said she hasn't marked the day. Don't start it now.

plumduck · 13/02/2023 20:32

She hasn't said she wants to celebrate it now.

You want to force her.

It's mean

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 13/02/2023 20:33

I had someone do this to me.

They started a conversation about valentines day, I said I disliked it so didn't celebrate it at all.

She decided she wanted to feel all warm and fuzzy and trample all over a boundary I set and bought me some chocolate and a card.

I hated it, and she couldn't understand why I wasn't gushing about how lovely it was.

This woman has told you she doesn't celebrate, listen to her. Don't put your feelings ahead of hers.

plumduck · 13/02/2023 20:33

drunkornot · 13/02/2023 19:13

I think I just wanted to cheer her up by getting her something tomorrow, because she spoke about her late husband this afternoon and my heart sank for her. I don’t want to risk upsetting her though so I won’t get her a gift.

I’ve had an idea actually, I can nominate her for a work reward (£20 gift voucher) because of her hard work. She launched a major initiative last week. This way she’ll get a surprise that’s a more clear of a token of appreciation vs a personal gift and no boundaries are overstepped.

Yes do that

Skyeheather · 13/02/2023 20:34

I wouldn't, it doesn't sound like she'd want to celebrate it. It was something she celebrated with her husband and she won't need reminding he's not here.

Findyourneutralspace · 13/02/2023 20:36

Definitely nothing romantic. I’m single and would hate that, plus… could it be misconstrued?
Something fun, or totally not romantic (like tulips, they are lovely but without the connotations) and a comment that it’s a ‘galentines’ gift. It’s a cheesy phrase but it makes the intention clear.

But personally, if I’m not coupled up I ignore it.

barmycatmum · 13/02/2023 20:38

Since she mentioned it, I do not think it’s weird. A sweet card and some chocolates, why not. The roses would be a bit much, they’re so romantic.

I think you’re very kind and thoughtful.

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 20:41

"I don’t want her to think I’m being weird though"

@drunkornot then don't do it, coz weird is exactly what she'll think you are....and probably think you fancy her too.
You sound like one of those people who struggles to empathise. You sound caring and sympathetic to her situation but that's not empathy. I'm guessing at some level you would appreciate the gesture if it was the other way round, but without reading all your replies I just know most people are advising against it as most would not like it.
If you want to extend the friendship arrange to go the cinema together or something. Valentines day is about romance really. So she hasn't had a celebrated since he died. She might not have had sex either or a candlelit meal but you wouldn't offer those.

What's wrong with a sympathy card and a bunch of flowers (not red roses) on anyday but Vs day.

Bobbydazzla · 13/02/2023 20:45

SgtCatherineCawood · 13/02/2023 18:52

I think I'd maybe get something that's not valentines related ie some nice biscuits or cakes to share. As someone else said maybe she doesn't want to celebrate it

I think this is a nice idea

BluebellBlueballs · 13/02/2023 20:51

I personally wouldn't like a gesture like this as it may come across as... pitiful?

Fine line between appearing sympathetic and pitiful.

newfriend05 · 13/02/2023 21:31

Good call on the colour yellow .. it signifies friendship

RipWheelersHat · 14/02/2023 10:51

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4742483-to-think-this-is-inappropriate?page=2&reply=123891016

I really need to know if op did it and this is the colleague posting a thread about itGrin

Suzi888 · 14/02/2023 10:54

I think there could be tears personally, I think your colleague would be very touched but could be upsetting…. If they said “I miss getting flowers” I’d say go for it.

littlefireseverywhere · 14/02/2023 10:57

I think that’s a lovely gesture, tulips are perfect.