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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel incredibly bitter about friend’s pregnancy

133 replies

Crazyplantlady1 · 13/02/2023 15:11

I’m early 30s and infertile for unexplained reasons. Spent 5 years TTC, undergoing investigations and failed treatments which ultimately lead to the end of my marriage. I’m originally from a very small town where everybody settles down and has children early in life. After divorce, I couldn’t bare to be around it, so I moved to the city.

I love it here, I’m in a great relationship of 2yrs and I’ve got a lovely friendship group of career women in their 30s with no children and we all enjoy plenty of socialising.

In the past few months, I’ve found out that two of my closest friends from the group are now pregnant (both after 1 month of trying!) and another is TTC this year. I know I should feel happy for them, but the truth is I just feel bitter and resentful... It makes me sick that people can get pregnant so easily when I’ve never even made it to a BFP after so many years.

I can tell already that our group chats have turned into endless discussions about pregnancy and baby names and plans for the future. My friends all know my situation yet I feel it’s being shoved down my throat and I worry this is the start of me being completely left behind, just like I was before I moved to the city. AIBU to feel this way and ask for your advice on how best to handle this?

OP posts:
UdoU · 13/02/2023 15:12

YANBU. Be kind to yourself and mute the group.

Have you given up TTC?

Hooverthestairs · 13/02/2023 15:16

YANBU and I understand how this feels, we are in the same position.

Are they aware of your fertility issues so that they can be sensitive to this? Have you received any fertility help or tests?

Daizie · 13/02/2023 15:16

Just ask them to set up another group baby related and tell them why. Its not their fault and they are allowed to be happy and enjoy their pregnancy (coming from someone who has struggled and had miscarriages).

Original poster
Crazyplantlady1 · 13/02/2023 15:16

UdoU · 13/02/2023 15:12

YANBU. Be kind to yourself and mute the group.

Have you given up TTC?

I’ve been TTC with my current partner for the past year. Sadly it’s exactly the same as before, BFNs every month and seemingly no real reason why. Given that multiple rounds of IVF were unsuccessful before, I’m not sure I can face the trauma of it again.

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 13/02/2023 15:18

Have you decided you will be single and child free forever? If so I would cultivate friendships with those with similar aspirations because the vast majority of people get tied down with kids and family in their thirties. If you think you might try again or foster or adopt or get a partner with children then I’d focus on that and be happy to keep hanging out with those reproducing. Have a plan of how you want it to be and go for it.

Hooverthestairs · 13/02/2023 15:19

Just seen your update about ivf OP.

I'd explain to your friends and ask them if they could have a separate group chat because it's hard for you to hear, although you're happy for them both.

YANBU for being sad about this.
They ANBU for being excited about their pregnancies.

One of those awkward things. But I completely understand how you're feeling and hope you're OK.

Itisbetter · 13/02/2023 15:19

I should have said I understand how difficult fertility treatment can be as it took us 5 years and many interventions to have our first. It’s a hard road.

EksWooWooman · 13/02/2023 15:19

Get some counselling?

iratepirate · 13/02/2023 15:20

This is so hard to navigate. I have been in your position and in the end I had to just retrain my brain to come to terms with the fact that they’ve just as much right to be happy about their baby as I have to be upset about it.
I would hate for a friend to feel they couldn’t talk to me about something huge in their life and so compartmentalising their news away from my own grief really helped me with the friendships I wanted to retain.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 13/02/2023 15:20

Either mute the chat or ask to set uop a separate one for baby related stuff and tell them why.

It's not fair to expect them not to discuss all this exciting stuff in their lives because you've had fertility problems. It's perfectly reasonable to ask they discuss it separate from their chat with you because naturally it's painful for you.

RosaBonheur · 13/02/2023 15:21

I'm sorry this is happening to you. The reality is that most people want and can have children at some point, and so unless you only socialise with women who are past childbearing age, there's always a chance that your childfree friends are going to join the parent club. That doesn't mean they can't still be genuine friends (and I would encourage you to try to remain friends with those who have children as long as they are sensitive to your feelings), but it would be good for you to make friends with some people who are childfree and intend to remain so.

Ursulaursula82 · 13/02/2023 15:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Mariposista · 13/02/2023 15:32

Would you ever consider adoption OP? I know it is a sensitive issue, but my friend was in the same situation of you, infertile but had so much love to give a child, good job, good relationship, stability, etc. She now has two lovely daughters.

Doowop1919 · 13/02/2023 15:32

Yanbu. But coming from someone who has been in your situation, your friends just don't understand. They will never understand unless having gone through it themselves. I had lovely friends who were there for me but only the other two who also had trouble understood. One couple - and I love them - invited us to their son's christening with all their other friends with children. It was awful for me but they didn't do it on purpose. So while yanbu with your feelings, your friends aren't doing it on purpose either.

plumduck · 13/02/2023 15:35

If they are aware I'd just say something like "I'm really happy for you! I'm struggling being around baby stuff at the moment so I might go a bit quiet now and then but do let me know if you fancy meeting up some time"

plumduck · 13/02/2023 15:36

Let yourself have the ugly feelings when you get home at night. Don't stiffle them. I had horrible ugly thoughts when my best friend got pregnant. I think it's natural.

Jane1284 · 13/02/2023 15:41

YANBU - One of the hardest issues with infertility is that unless you have suffered from it you will never understand the raw emotions that the infertile go through every month. Infertility unfortunately takes over your life and is heartbreaking on so many levels. No matter how good of a friend they are people just can't comprehend this unless they have first hand experience of this. They most likely don't realise how upsetting their pregnancies are to you.
My only suggestion would be to mute the group chats or ask for baby chat to be discussed outside of your chats as it is upsetting you more than you hoped it would. Good friends should try to be empathetic and considerate of your feelings. I am so sorry you are going through this xx

Cuppasoupmonster · 13/02/2023 15:41

YANBU to feel bitter and jealous! Who wouldn’t?! The question is what now. I would urge you not to ‘dump’ your friends over this -
if you do you could end up going through life with a revolving door of people and nobody solid or permanent, which I imagine would add to the loneliness over the years. Do they know about your fertility struggles?

Pleasecreateausername13 · 13/02/2023 15:43

My only thought would be not to ask them to create another group chat. Especially if you like these women, this will guarantee you’ll be left behind.

I mirror what another PP said, maybe try to have some counselling to make you come to terms with what isn’t happening for you but how to be okay with it happening to your friends.

I really wish you luck OP and I really hope it happens for you.

xogossipgirlxo · 13/02/2023 15:50

YANBU. I'd mute the chat.

SeriouslyLTB · 13/02/2023 15:53

Just be honest:

"I am so, so happy for you guys! I cannot wait to meet the mini-yous!!

But I am also still processing my own grief at infertility, so would it be okay if you took the baby chat to a different thread without me?

I really don't mean to be a downer, and whilst I'm very happy with my life and I love you two, for the sake of my MH I need to limit the pregnancy talk for now."

Or something similar.

Then go to instagram, search the #s childfreeafterinfertility/childfree, follow gatewaywomen/chasingcreation/tiffanyjmarie and know there is a whole community of women who know how you feel and will support you if a baby never comes. xx

Thewheelweavesasthewheelwills · 13/02/2023 15:53

YANBU to feel that way at all. And I bet they don't have a clue how they are making you feel they just don't get it. I don't either. I went through a few MCs and the jealousy was there so I can sort of relate.

Someone said counselling, possibly a grief counsellor?

berksandbeyond · 13/02/2023 15:54

Doowop1919 · 13/02/2023 15:32

Yanbu. But coming from someone who has been in your situation, your friends just don't understand. They will never understand unless having gone through it themselves. I had lovely friends who were there for me but only the other two who also had trouble understood. One couple - and I love them - invited us to their son's christening with all their other friends with children. It was awful for me but they didn't do it on purpose. So while yanbu with your feelings, your friends aren't doing it on purpose either.

Would you have rather your friends didn’t invite you? Surely that would be rude too? Can’t win really

SweetStrawberry · 13/02/2023 15:56

Do you have a plan OP?

Are you looking at other options, if you're not pregnant naturally in say a year or so?

It always makes me feel more in control of my life if I have a plan in place.

So for example, if you give yourself another 12 months to try naturally, then if nothing, maybe you will feel able to cope with the thought of IVF again. If this fails, have you considered donor eggs (if this is any way part of the problem)?

But were you given the reason as to why the previous IVF failed or was it 'one of those things?'

It probably feels like the rug has been pulled from beneath you, finding out that somewhere you had started to feel safe is changing.

In your shoes, I would make a list of things I wanted to do this year aside from TTC, give myself another 12 months of TTC naturally and then going to the doctors again to discuss my options.

mybunniesandme · 13/02/2023 16:00

They are natural feelings but at the end of the day no body gets pregnant to deliberately hurt anyone else

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