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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel incredibly bitter about friend’s pregnancy

133 replies

Crazyplantlady1 · 13/02/2023 15:11

I’m early 30s and infertile for unexplained reasons. Spent 5 years TTC, undergoing investigations and failed treatments which ultimately lead to the end of my marriage. I’m originally from a very small town where everybody settles down and has children early in life. After divorce, I couldn’t bare to be around it, so I moved to the city.

I love it here, I’m in a great relationship of 2yrs and I’ve got a lovely friendship group of career women in their 30s with no children and we all enjoy plenty of socialising.

In the past few months, I’ve found out that two of my closest friends from the group are now pregnant (both after 1 month of trying!) and another is TTC this year. I know I should feel happy for them, but the truth is I just feel bitter and resentful... It makes me sick that people can get pregnant so easily when I’ve never even made it to a BFP after so many years.

I can tell already that our group chats have turned into endless discussions about pregnancy and baby names and plans for the future. My friends all know my situation yet I feel it’s being shoved down my throat and I worry this is the start of me being completely left behind, just like I was before I moved to the city. AIBU to feel this way and ask for your advice on how best to handle this?

OP posts:
UdoU · 13/02/2023 16:02

mybunniesandme · 13/02/2023 16:00

They are natural feelings but at the end of the day no body gets pregnant to deliberately hurt anyone else

Yes but they can be more sensitive to OP. At best they're thoughtless, at worst they're smug.

Original poster
Crazyplantlady1 · 13/02/2023 16:04

Thank you so much for your kind messages, at the very least it’s just a relief to get my thoughts and feelings out in a safe space like this and be heard and acknowledged ❤️

OP posts:
electricmoccasins · 13/02/2023 16:04

YANBU I’m so sorry, OP. I’ve been there and it sucks. I’d mute the group.

Thisresonateswme · 13/02/2023 16:08

Not exactly the same thing OP but your feelings resonate with me.
I had serious difficulties with relationships for a long time for a number of different reasons. I was very lonely and depressed for a good chunk of my late twenties.
Two of my "friends" constantly rubbed to my face how it's time for me to "find" a partner and it will be much more difficult after I'm 35, blah blah blah and constantly spoke about how happy they are and how awful they would feel without their significant others etc.
I'm not saying this is what is definitely happening here but my overall message is you have absolutely no obligation to stay in contact with them if it's making you feel this way, regardless of their intentions.
How about getting closer to people with similar life plans? I'm pretty sure it will feel much better 🌸

containsnuts · 13/02/2023 16:08

Perhapse the other friend who's TTC feels the same way? Also, remember that people do tend to present a rosey picture. You don't know what else the pregnant friends are going through, eg, maybe the partners didn't want kids, they're not secure in their relationship and so on.

Norriscolesbag · 13/02/2023 16:08

I’ve not experienced this OP but it must really suck and I get why this has upset you so much. I’d be tempted to do what a previous poster said and ask them to have a different chat to discuss this? Although it will feel like their life now so it is tricky as they will feel like they can’t talk about something which is massive to them. I’d be tempted to find younger or older friends to be honest who are not in that stage of life- I can’t see these friendships lasting now.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 13/02/2023 16:10

Very gentle YABU here, it is so sad, and I really feel for you, but it is normal for them to want to talk about something so major. I would mute the chat for a while, but perhaps tell someone why you are doing that first, so that they can understand. You need some space and time, and may feel different with some distance. Or you may not, and need to develop a different set of friends. I am sorry again, it is so painful.

AlbertaAnnie · 13/02/2023 16:10

So sorry op it’s a awful feeling - mute the group and try and do something you enjoy xx

Phrenologistsfinger · 13/02/2023 16:11

YANBU - another infertile club member here. I just tend to mute the friendships where that is a thing and focus on my friends who aren’t breeding or who also can’t. The mum chat imho remains pretty triggering and tedious when when the immediate pregnancy/baby stuff is over. They are entering a world I can never join, so I opt out to save my sanity. Maybe one day the pain will be less but for now I do what I must, ugly feelings and all. There are several non-mum, childless not by choice etc groups on FB that I found helpful. Some have meetups.

Oh and the YABUs are going to flow in fast from the people who have no idea how hard, painful and soul destroying it is to go through infertility and childlessness not by choice. No, adoption won’t help. No, going on holiday or relaxing won’t help if there are medical issues. Blah blah. Don’t let it get to you. Thinking of you and you are not alone. 🌼

Comedycook · 13/02/2023 16:13

Life is unfair in all sorts of ways I'm afraid.

I suggest when you interact with them over this issue, fake it till you make it. Act a little. Congratulate them. They're not shoving it down your throat...they're just living their lives.

Taz29duffy1 · 13/02/2023 16:14

I was 8 years TTC. Multiple rounds of IVF, miscarriages etc. in that time every friend I made (apart from 1) had babies. Even those that had multiple IVFs got there in the end. I have lost many friends. After giving up, I revisited donor eggs during covid. I’m now pregnant on my 5th try with donor egg. It wasn’t my original plan, I’m old and I still feel the pain of giving up on my genes. Infertility os life changing and has such an impact on relationships x

RedOrange21 · 13/02/2023 16:16

Ultimately you can't censor other people & that's what's happening in their lives right now. I don't expect my friends never to mention their mother because I have lost mine and I don't expect never to be able to talk about my child because my friend couldn't have one. Equally my single friends were invited to my wedding despite not having a partner themselves. I probably wouldn't invite those without children to a birthday party though for example. You can expect them to show some sensitivity but ultimately everyone has something going on.

CatJumperTwat · 13/02/2023 16:17

Daizie · 13/02/2023 15:16

Just ask them to set up another group baby related and tell them why. Its not their fault and they are allowed to be happy and enjoy their pregnancy (coming from someone who has struggled and had miscarriages).

If you go with this suggestion, just be prepared for the baby group to become the new default group for them all.

Mysmallgarden · 13/02/2023 16:19

Have you thought about adopting? A friend of ours, a single lady in her thirties, adopted a child who was given a great lifestyle and education and is now settled at uni.

readingismycardio · 13/02/2023 16:22

I get it, OP. I am sorry. Mute and unfollow as you need. It's like grief, and it's taking over your life.

Lotusflower16 · 13/02/2023 16:22

Phrenologistsfinger · 13/02/2023 16:11

YANBU - another infertile club member here. I just tend to mute the friendships where that is a thing and focus on my friends who aren’t breeding or who also can’t. The mum chat imho remains pretty triggering and tedious when when the immediate pregnancy/baby stuff is over. They are entering a world I can never join, so I opt out to save my sanity. Maybe one day the pain will be less but for now I do what I must, ugly feelings and all. There are several non-mum, childless not by choice etc groups on FB that I found helpful. Some have meetups.

Oh and the YABUs are going to flow in fast from the people who have no idea how hard, painful and soul destroying it is to go through infertility and childlessness not by choice. No, adoption won’t help. No, going on holiday or relaxing won’t help if there are medical issues. Blah blah. Don’t let it get to you. Thinking of you and you are not alone. 🌼

This and YANBU.
I am so sorry for your struggles! Just distance yourself from what makes you feel awful!

Daizie · 13/02/2023 16:29

CatJumperTwat · 13/02/2023 16:17

If you go with this suggestion, just be prepared for the baby group to become the new default group for them all.

Show quote history

Maybe so, they are entitled to enjoy their pregnancy. It hurt me so much when my SIL got pregnant 6 weeks after meeting my BIL after we had tried for years. I couldn't take that away from her though

starsareblazing · 13/02/2023 16:30

YANBU at all. I think it can be difficult for others to understand how absolutely all-encompassing and devastating infertility is, but I think your friends are being thoughtless and insensitive, particularly as they know your story. I would either approach them and ask them if they would be able to take the baby talk elsewhere, or leave the chat and set up another and make it clear this one was a baby free zone, or I'd just distance myself from them totally and explain gently why. They may be genuinely not thinking and it's understandable they are excited, but if they are good friends they should be able to try and accommodate some minor adjustments to be considerate and supportive of your emotional wellbeing.

I was fortunate while we were deep within infertility and loss that some of my friends distanced baby stuff from me to protect my emotional wellbeing, whilst others totally didn't understand at all and I distanced myself from them whilst we were in that position. You have to prioritise and protect yourself, infertility is absolutely brutal. Thinking of you and so sorry you're going through this xx

Maireas · 13/02/2023 16:31

Mysmallgarden · 13/02/2023 16:19

Have you thought about adopting? A friend of ours, a single lady in her thirties, adopted a child who was given a great lifestyle and education and is now settled at uni.

Did you consider adopting as well?

Littleloveydovey · 13/02/2023 16:31

This is so hard. So Take a step back. Think about what you said. Do you really believe these women are discussing their pregnancies to shove it down your throat? If this Is what you Reallu believe then you need to leave this group , they are not your friends and neither you theirs.

if it is they are just excitedly discussing it, their lives are changing, and wish to involve their Friends, and don’t understand your resentment, then you need to accept that their need to do so is not trumped by your understandable and very real need not to hear it.

so the question is how strong is your need not to hear it, as it’s not going away. The children will be here soon enough.

Becayde you can distance yourself from them, mute or exit the group (, don’t ask them to have another group chat, it will be the main one) but when you all meet up, this will be a main topic of conversation. So maybe being with this group won’t work for you any more, it is changing and evolving. It is only you who can decide if you can accept that or if you cannot be part of it.

if you need to be with women who cannot conceive, then you will be focusing on being with women a couple of decades older than you. Who may not wish the type of socialising you wish due to life stages.

I think I would take no drastic steps. But you likely should seek counselling to come to terms with your fertility struggles, potentially look to other options, Ie would you consider adoption, and also in the mean time, mute the group as you gather your thoughts on if you can continue to be friends, or need to exit now.

starsareblazing · 13/02/2023 16:32

Also if you haven't come across them already, I found the infertility communities on instagram amazing for not feeling as alone and being able to talk to people who properly get it x

Maireas · 13/02/2023 16:32

Mariposista · 13/02/2023 15:32

Would you ever consider adoption OP? I know it is a sensitive issue, but my friend was in the same situation of you, infertile but had so much love to give a child, good job, good relationship, stability, etc. She now has two lovely daughters.

Did you adopt as well?

Hankunamatata · 13/02/2023 16:35

I havnt had this pain but my mum never thought she would have me and she was in her 40s. She said by mid 30s it was easier to be friends with women who were 50plus. They had either had children and were grown or wouldn't be having children. She said she had to develop a whole new friendship group but it was a relief not to have pregnancies and baby's all the time

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/02/2023 16:35

Ooh this is a toughie. If you ask them to start another group for the pregnant ones, you risk being alienated.

But you are totally valid to feel upset about this.

Have you had any counselling?

WestwardHo1 · 13/02/2023 16:36

I get it OP. I was in the same position. No BPF ever, no baby, no first words, no first steps, no first Christmas, none of that love, finally divorced.

I decided in the end that I would hurt myself more if I carried on like I was, so got some counselling. It was still hard but I was able to deal with it and maintain my relationships.

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