To feel incredibly bitter about friend’s pregnancy

[Crazyplantlady1]

I’m early 30s and infertile for unexplained reasons. Spent 5 years TTC, undergoing investigations and failed treatments which ultimately lead to the end of my marriage. I’m originally from a very small town where everybody settles down and has children early in life. After divorce, I couldn’t bare to be around it, so I moved to the city.

I love it here, I’m in a great relationship of 2yrs and I’ve got a lovely friendship group of career women in their 30s with no children and we all enjoy plenty of socialising.

In the past few months, I’ve found out that two of my closest friends from the group are now pregnant (both after 1 month of trying!) and another is TTC this year. I know I should feel happy for them, but the truth is I just feel bitter and resentful... It makes me sick that people can get pregnant so easily when I’ve never even made it to a BFP after so many years.

I can tell already that our group chats have turned into endless discussions about pregnancy and baby names and plans for the future. My friends all know my situation yet I feel it’s being shoved down my throat and I worry this is the start of me being completely left behind, just like I was before I moved to the city. AIBU to feel this way and ask for your advice on how best to handle this?

The most insensitive comment I've ever read on MN. Fucking hell

I agree. Why do some people not get that what is “just life” to some people is a dream that may never come true to others. That is what makes infertility so painful.

@SchoolTripDrama well you can't have been here long if you think that's the most insensitive comment you've ever seen. I don't think I was insensitive at all. Life is incredibly unfair for so many people. That's a fact. I also gave the op advice as to how to interact with her friends so she doesn't wreck her relationship with them

I think you both misinterpreted my comment. I wasn't telling the op that she should suck it up as we all have problems...I was acknowledging it's shit and unfair.

Honestly...this place is such hard work sometimes.

But yes, life is absolutely full of injustices.

Very similar situation to you- except I’m 10 years older. I’ve sadly accepted that ship has sailed for me. But I’m lucky that only about 1/2 of my friendship group have/want kids.
i have bluffed my way through, with people I’m not close with - ‘I like a clean house, and lie ins’; ‘I would rather have expensive holidays’; ‘Crikey, don’t you get fed up standing watching them play football/dance/whatever’. It makes people stop asking, if they knew we were endlessly trying.

But, I understand, it’s tough. Sadly some friendships didn’t survive it, as although they knew my situation, all they could talk about was babies/nappies/weaning, etc. I’m sad, but I have had to build my life differently than what I thought it would be. Doesn’t make it bad, just different.
sending hugs. X

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I felt similar when my friend had a baby - it wasn't just sadness, it was bitterness, anger and envy too. Strangely enough, I didn't feel too bad when she was pregnant but seeing her with her baby just broke my heart. Happy for her, so very sad for myself. I never shared any of those feelings with her and we're not friends anymore (for many reasons, not just this)

It's all very well to say that you should tell your friends how you're feeling and open up to them, but it's really not that simple. As others have said, having children IS a normal thing, and of course they want to share and celebrate their good news. So how do you share that all this normal, lovely stuff is killing you inside? That you're eaten up with envy, sick with anger, and ashamed of yourself for not just being able to 'be happy for them'?

I get it OP. I had to do a lot of self preservation and still do to an extent. You don't have to force yourself to put on a happy face, and only you know whether you feel like you can share your feelings with these friends. But please know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

@MysteryBelle Don’t ever dampen someone else’s joy. It could harm them, what about their mental and physical health while pregnant. They matter too. It’s not their fault.

I didn’t answer your other comment. It was very long and nothing about it changed the fact that, as per the bolded part, you believe a pregnant person hearing anything less than positive about their pregnancy can actually harm them and their baby. That is a ridiculous attitude. Nobody is saying be horrible to them - just pulling back and not sharing in every picture and plan. Your infantilisation of pregnant women is so odd and I stand by what I’ve said about it.

I agree with PPs saying that you should never say to an infertile couple ‘why not adopt?’ I speak as someone who did adopt eventually, and our 2 DDs are 13 and 10.

But DH and I both hated being told that we could ‘just adopt’. As my DH put it, did they really think we didn’t know that adoption was a possibility?

My DM was the one who annoyed me the most with this suggestion. What made it worse was that she didn’t have a clue, as she had never had any trouble getting pregnant.

My SIL also was guilty of this, another one who had no difficulty conceiving and had her 4th and 6th DC whilst my DH and I were TTC. (She also told us that we shouldn’t use IVF because of the ‘spare embryos’; ironically I had no eggs so this wasn’t even an issue in the end.)

It’s really tough, OP, I do get it. It’s very hard not to feel bitter when you’re surrounded by pregnancies and new babies, especially as it tends to take over conversations. And like no one gets it.

However, if these are true friends, they will understand if you explain that you need to opt out of WhatsApp chat about babies. (I’m really grateful that there was no such thing when I was going through infertility!)