To feel incredibly bitter about friend’s pregnancy

[Crazyplantlady1]

I’m early 30s and infertile for unexplained reasons. Spent 5 years TTC, undergoing investigations and failed treatments which ultimately lead to the end of my marriage. I’m originally from a very small town where everybody settles down and has children early in life. After divorce, I couldn’t bare to be around it, so I moved to the city.

I love it here, I’m in a great relationship of 2yrs and I’ve got a lovely friendship group of career women in their 30s with no children and we all enjoy plenty of socialising.

In the past few months, I’ve found out that two of my closest friends from the group are now pregnant (both after 1 month of trying!) and another is TTC this year. I know I should feel happy for them, but the truth is I just feel bitter and resentful... It makes me sick that people can get pregnant so easily when I’ve never even made it to a BFP after so many years.

I can tell already that our group chats have turned into endless discussions about pregnancy and baby names and plans for the future. My friends all know my situation yet I feel it’s being shoved down my throat and I worry this is the start of me being completely left behind, just like I was before I moved to the city. AIBU to feel this way and ask for your advice on how best to handle this?

Oh god, please don't 🙄

This

Be kind to yourself. Explain your feelings and mute the chat. Tell them you're happy for them but must protect yourself.
Love to you OP x

Yes YABU to feel bitter and negatively towards women - presumably your friends - who can conceive without struggle. You wouldn't be unreasonable to feel sad about it.

This whole situation is so difficult. You are allowed to feel your feelings, and they are so incredibly justified.

However, these friends can't and shouldn't keep their excitement to themselves. I would have liked to have thought they would make a separate group on whatsapp. But then, that would isolate you further.

You haven't done anything wrong OP, I know how hard it can be.

I don't have any answers, I just wish you inner peace and happiness x

YANBU OP.
It must be really hard, I'd mute the chat 😔

It's completely understandable OP (I'm in a similar position myself), however, as a few people have said, try to remember they are not doing this deliberately, and they are entitled to be happy about their news and want to share it, just as you are to be sad.

One thing I have found helpful when my close family and friends have announced pregnancies, is to remind myself that it is not my baby that they are pregnant with. It sounds simple and it is, but it works. They aren't having my baby, and that is what I really want - my own baby - not theirs.

This enables me to separate myself a bit and actually even to be happy for them.

I’ve been there too. Definitely mute the group and reach out directly to anyone who has empathy with what you’re going through. There are lots of us! What’s app is the work of the devil in these situations.

This^. Great advice to go on.

It's so tough. Some people genuinely have no idea, they conceive quickly - sometimes even planning when to have a child, sometimes on the first cycle. It's very unfair and unfortunately you may have to lose this friendship group as you will always consider your own situation.
It's additionally painful when people say "just adopt"! So tune them out as well.
Give yourself some time and space for the moment.

This is really not a helpful thing to say to someone struggling with infertility. Do you really think after 5 years of TTC this thought will have never occurred until you said it just now?

Why not? What would be so terrible?

Please don't suggest this to people who are struggling to conceive. Everyone knows adoption exists, so it's not brand new information. It's a process with extremely strict criteria and even if you manage to pass it, not everybody is suited to take on a child that's had an extremely adverse start in life. I've seen so many people on so many infertility threads suggest adoption as though they're bringing up some sort of miracle solution. It's really grating.

I love the idea.

@SeriouslyLTB has great advice. YANBU OP. You really aren't.

To all these people ‘helpfully’ suggesting adoption, just stop.

I’ve been TTC for five years, 3x IVF and one loss, still no baby. The pain is fucking crippling, and made worse when people tell you to be happy for other people who are pregnant. You do whatever you need to do to help yourself. I unfollowed everyone who I knew I was pregnant on Instagram. I’ve left Facebook completely. It’s a massive weight off my shoulders. I don’t have many female friends, they are mostly male so I’m not as likely to get bombarded with it, but please please protect yourself. Your sanity matters so much more than a WhatsApp group of bump pictures x

I don't know your situation, but what's stopping you? Have you got fertility issues as well?

So frustrating to not know the reason and to endure all this. I hope you will be able to have a child. You’re very young so there is hope. 💐 It is good to acknowledge your feelings. At the same time it is important for your own well being to be happy for your friends. If you can’t manage that yet, step back discreetly, without leaving them wondering or speculating, from the group chats and even the socializing, because you don’t want to quash their joy. Be supportive. Imagine if it were you and your friend had a bitter resentment toward you while you were pregnant and happy. That would not be right. Speaking to them about your feelings right now is not healthy for their well-being while pregnant or as new mothers.

Adoption is a wonderful thing to do.

It is not a substitute for having a child of your own.

And it is not helpful to suggest it to a person who has been struggling with infertility for 5 years.

Don't you think OP is already having a daily battle and considering all possible options? Do you not think she's heard of adoption? Don't you think she might have already agonized over this for a really long time?

It is distressing and triggering, for someone to come along and take two seconds to suggest such a simple solution to five years of difficulty - a "solution" which is actually anything but simple.

Well no, that was my point which I obviously didn't explain well enough. Despite it being difficult for me being surrounded in happy families with children, my friends didn't invite me to hurt me and just wanted us there (which we were happy to be ..it was the after part I personally found tough but no, I never blamed my friends or were angry at them).

I'm just going to agree with pp saying to others to stop advising the OP to adopt. It's really not a quick and easy solution to infertility.
Also, it's usually suggested by people who have never gone through either challenging route.

Speaking to them about your feelings right now is not healthy for their well-being while pregnant or as new mothers.

Mums to be or mums of newborns aren't made of glass - they are able to handle things such as "I need to not be in this group chat for my own sanity". Most of them continue going to work until a little before their due dates, in stressful jobs. Thinking that they can't be exposed to even the barest hint of negativity is such an archaic way of thinking - like when women had to go into confinement so as not to get excited by things!

YANBU OP!
Everything I was going to say has already been said so for now I'll just send you a handhold x

You’re not being unreasonable. Your feelings are valid but you are responsible ultimately for your feelings. Pregnancy is a huge life changing experience and it’s very natural that it will be over taking your friends lives. It literally cannot be helped. There are so many things that have to be packed into the next nine months. So I highly doubt they are trying to be insensitive. It’s just very hard to not think about it!

I think you do need to come to terms with your infertility however. You can’t run away from life and pregnancy is a big part of that. Even people that thought they didn’t want kids or knew or can’t have children change their minds or have an oops sometimes.

The impending fact that every friend you make could become pregnant somehow and that could destroy your friendship is a big issue you need to confront within yourself.

I think it would be reasonable to distance yourself from them for the time being but it’s really not fair to hold it against them.

Infertility is a very cruel thing to happen to people but I really hope you don’t let it control your life.

So the solution is to lose all your friends, feel negatively about other people having children, and take yourself off social media? Should we do this for all thing we’re envious of - wealthy friends, successful friends, pretty friends? Where does it end?