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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I do not want my husband to play sport on Sunday

122 replies

CG2022 · 13/02/2023 11:04

Am I being unreasonable? My husband plays for a sunday league football team, he leaves around 9am and comes back by 2pm. However he works most Saturdays (as well as Monday -Friday) and I also work full time Mon-Friday. This leaves us with Sunday as the only confirmed family day and he ruins it every week by leaving us, even though he is home by 2pm its hard to do anything fun because everything shuts earlier on Sunday. We have been together since we were 18, we are both 32 now and I have a 2 year old and I am pregnant, baby is due in May. We have had a really bad argument about it this weekend, he says its the only thing he can do for himself and I get that but there inst any time in the week for me at all to do anything for myself. I feel really lonely at weekends, I enjoy being with my daughter but I am having a high-risk pregnancy so it is hard for me to do things with her at the moment and I really need his help plus I also want to be with him and spend proper family time together. He is the only one out of his group of friends that still plays sport at the weekend, so I am constantly seeing IG stories of our friends at play parks, swimming and fun activities. I am really down about it and we are not talking at the moment. Please let me know if I am being totally unreasonable :(

OP posts:
mamnotmum · 14/02/2023 09:52

I'd be inclined to go out from 3pm-8pm on a Sunday. Let him do everything on his own during this time. You need equal amounts of time to yourself.

I'd also make plans on a Sunday morning - meet friends, have adventures with the kids.

It's so hard because he is clearly working a lot so it's reasonable he wants to do something he loves on a Sunday.

Perhaps he can take 1 Saturday off a month as a family day?

Kolakalia · 14/02/2023 10:08

You have a toddler and a baby on the way. You both work Mon-Fri so I'm assuming toddler is in childcare those days. I honestly can't imagine a parent worth their salt who already only has their kid for two days of the week would happily give up over a quarter of that time to go do something solo every single week. That feels really selfish to me. We all have our hobbies we enjoy, friends to see, fitness to keep up with, but when you have a partner and young family those things have to fit around everything else rather than take priority. If DH or I were like 'oh, I won't be around on Sundays from 9-2' we'd look at each other like we had two heads.

Why doesn't he want to be with his toddler? If he's working Saturdays then he only has one day per week with his child and he's gone for over half of it? Doesn't sound like an involved parent.

He sounds like the sort of parent who thinks that kids will magically fit into their life and they'll keep being able to do everything they want to and who hasn't fully realised that this isn't how it works. It's give and take, if one of us wants to go do something and it requires the other to parent solo during a time we're both not working then that's fine and we do it but no way would it be a weekly thing. YANBU. He is BU.

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2023 10:12

I think it's reasonable to say if he works Saturday then he doesn't do football on a Sunday.

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2023 10:16

Also check that say once a month he couldn't get away earlier from matches on a Sunday soyou can do a once a month planned activity like the zoo etc

Botw1 · 14/02/2023 10:19

Once a month?!

Oh yes dear, do you think, possibly, if it wouldn't be too much trouble for you, only if you actually want to, could you please consider, and I don't mind if you don't want to because obviously you are far more important than anyone else and what you say goes, but could maybe consider spending some time with your family?

This thread is like door mats annoymous

Thatladdo · 14/02/2023 10:42

He works 6 days a week and you feel he is in the wrong for having a few hours on his one day off to play some sport?
Seriously?

Orangello · 14/02/2023 10:49

Thatladdo · 14/02/2023 10:42

He works 6 days a week and you feel he is in the wrong for having a few hours on his one day off to play some sport?
Seriously?

he works 5 days a week like most people. On Saturdays he helps a friend and Sunday is spent on his hobby. And she is wrong because she also believes a father could spend some of his free time with his family?

WidthofaLine · 14/02/2023 11:14

You reap what you sow.

Children will grow up realising their father was never really a father but an overgrown todler who never spent time with them.
It happens all the time whereby these men have grown up children who can't remember their dads doing anything with them.

Constantly negotiating time to be had wanting them to be involved parents against their will is crap for any wife, it creates so much resentment and ruins relationships.

Many of these men should never have children, they don't deserve them, or wives.
It runs far deeper than just a love of sport, it's a selfishness that never goes and spans over many areas of their lives, in most cases.

Really if you were to dump the selfish one and find yourself a kind considerate man who actually wanted to spend time with you on your journey in life, the separation from their father in hours spent with his children will probably be less than if you spend your life with him by his side.

You will spend your life waiting arround for this man and he won't change, at best he will realise when he is too old than he had his priorities all wrong.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/02/2023 11:46

Blessedwithsunshine · 14/02/2023 08:13

Where is the equivalent for ops time off in your suggestion?

Show quote history

Time on Saturday sometimes to do your own thing with him having dc or other weekends Sunday as soon as he comes in that door. But with a new baby these might not be possible for a while. The important thing is, before baby comes, that he completely cuts out working on Saturday and then it's a flexible day centred around family whether at home or out. He needs to get it into his head that he is jointly responsible for these children.

qpmz · 14/02/2023 12:01

mamnotmum · 14/02/2023 09:52

I'd be inclined to go out from 3pm-8pm on a Sunday. Let him do everything on his own during this time. You need equal amounts of time to yourself.

I'd also make plans on a Sunday morning - meet friends, have adventures with the kids.

It's so hard because he is clearly working a lot so it's reasonable he wants to do something he loves on a Sunday.

Perhaps he can take 1 Saturday off a month as a family day?

Something he loves? Should he love family time?

Once a month family day for dad while mum does 31 days a month Confused

Thepurplelantern · 14/02/2023 15:22

Children will grow up realising their father was never really a father but an overgrown todler who never spent time with them.

Not usually often people repeat unquestioned what was modelled for them.

Blessedwithsunshine · 14/02/2023 21:50

WidthofaLine · 14/02/2023 11:14

You reap what you sow.

Children will grow up realising their father was never really a father but an overgrown todler who never spent time with them.
It happens all the time whereby these men have grown up children who can't remember their dads doing anything with them.

Constantly negotiating time to be had wanting them to be involved parents against their will is crap for any wife, it creates so much resentment and ruins relationships.

Many of these men should never have children, they don't deserve them, or wives.
It runs far deeper than just a love of sport, it's a selfishness that never goes and spans over many areas of their lives, in most cases.

Really if you were to dump the selfish one and find yourself a kind considerate man who actually wanted to spend time with you on your journey in life, the separation from their father in hours spent with his children will probably be less than if you spend your life with him by his side.

You will spend your life waiting arround for this man and he won't change, at best he will realise when he is too old than he had his priorities all wrong.

I agree with every word of this ^

UsingChangeofName · 14/02/2023 21:54

but losing the majority of Sunday to 5 hours revolving around football is not about exercise, it's about socialising which is being denied to OP

I agree that part of being in a team is the social side, but you are making up the part about it being denied to the OP though.

She has been asked why she chooses not to do anything for herself - be that with current friends or meeting new people through whatever hobby she chooses. At no point has she said she is stopped from going to her hobby or meeting up with her friends.
It seems yet another of those threads whereby the OP doesn't want a social life so she therefore, by default thinks her dh shouldn't have one.

Children will grow up realising their father was never really a father but an overgrown todler who never spent time with them.

My Dad spent a lot of time playing, reffing and later managing football teams. He was a great father. I have years of happy memories going to football with him, and when he was playing when we were little, my Mum used to come down
to the matches when it wasn't chucking it down with rain and we'd spend some of the time watching the match and a lot of it running about in the fresh air. Same as some of the players families do now with the team I currently watch.
You are making some weird kind of a leap from a man having a sociable hobby to this accusation.

WidthofaLine · 14/02/2023 22:10

@UsingChangeofName Sounds like your father included you in his life many men don't include their families.

It seems yet another of those threads whereby the OP doesn't want a
social life so she therefore, by default thinks her dh shouldn't have
one.

Rubbish it seems like she wants a husband and partner.

Youtube1 · 29/12/2023 15:25

Hi there,

I’m a husband and father to an 11month old as well. I have a similar situation and wanted to know if I was being unreasonable.

i play football in the winter and cricket in the summer. I used to play midweek, train twice a week, play weekends both days before I had a partner, it’s was a real passion for me.

Over the last 4 years though I have gone from that to playing only on Sundays 3 out of 4 weekends and training only for 1 hour on Wednesdays in football season. With cricket I’ve given up weekends altogether and only play on a Wednesday now. This has happened gradually over time and many heated negotiations.

Before I was playing in 3/4 different formats of football and Cricket but I have given up all the format That are the most time consuming. Now I’m out the house for Sunday football (October-April) from 9-12:30/1, football training is 6-8pm and Cricket midweek is 6-9pm(for only 2 months of the year June and july).

Of course family comes first and I like to think I’ve always been reasonable and willing to make sacrifices but as time goes on I seems to be giving up more and more and now it seems now that my current level of participation is too much and that I need to go down to once every other week. I already went down this road with Cricket on a
Saturday and it ended up with me giving it up.

we have a great open and honest relationship and a beautiful Daughter, they are the most important things in my life and to be honest this is the only thing that we argue over. But as time is going by the arguments on this particular subject get more and more heated(having a baby tends to do that I guess) It usually starts when some changes happen like she’s going back to work or if we've got 3/4 weekends booked up in a row where I can’t play or a number of other things it’s basically a bit of a nightmare sometimes.

my argument is that when you are part of a team you need to be playing at least 75% of the time because otherwise you lose your place or you can’t build any sort of momentum which is so important to even at a low level. Also I want to commit to what I say I’m going to commit to and I do have a passion for sports, it’s my outlet outside of work and the family so I’ve chosen to do it in a way that will benefit me in the fact that I attend one team 75% as opposed to 3 teams 25% of the time. This benefits me becuase I’m getting my outlet but also leaves me the whole Saturday and Sunday afternoon to spend with my family.

Her argument is that I put sport above my family I should spend less and less time doing it and give more and more time to spending it with my family especially when she goes back to work and we try for a 2nd. I also say that she could have a hobby and I would support it wholeheartedly but she says her hobby consists of spending quality time with me and our daughter like I don’t want to do that either. I don’t find it very fair to be honest it’s hard to me find solutions without constantly conceding more and more dates in which I’m available.

Am I being unreasonable, I don’t think I am and I can’t help but feel more bitter the more and more I give ground. but I’d like to hear it from a Mums side across the board?

I agree that you need to make sacrifices when raising A family which I am doing but I also feel you need to retain some on your individuality and have some regular time for yourself it’s really about how much time is fair?

Beezknees · 29/12/2023 15:33

Youtube1 · 29/12/2023 15:25

Hi there,

I’m a husband and father to an 11month old as well. I have a similar situation and wanted to know if I was being unreasonable.

i play football in the winter and cricket in the summer. I used to play midweek, train twice a week, play weekends both days before I had a partner, it’s was a real passion for me.

Over the last 4 years though I have gone from that to playing only on Sundays 3 out of 4 weekends and training only for 1 hour on Wednesdays in football season. With cricket I’ve given up weekends altogether and only play on a Wednesday now. This has happened gradually over time and many heated negotiations.

Before I was playing in 3/4 different formats of football and Cricket but I have given up all the format That are the most time consuming. Now I’m out the house for Sunday football (October-April) from 9-12:30/1, football training is 6-8pm and Cricket midweek is 6-9pm(for only 2 months of the year June and july).

Of course family comes first and I like to think I’ve always been reasonable and willing to make sacrifices but as time goes on I seems to be giving up more and more and now it seems now that my current level of participation is too much and that I need to go down to once every other week. I already went down this road with Cricket on a
Saturday and it ended up with me giving it up.

we have a great open and honest relationship and a beautiful Daughter, they are the most important things in my life and to be honest this is the only thing that we argue over. But as time is going by the arguments on this particular subject get more and more heated(having a baby tends to do that I guess) It usually starts when some changes happen like she’s going back to work or if we've got 3/4 weekends booked up in a row where I can’t play or a number of other things it’s basically a bit of a nightmare sometimes.

my argument is that when you are part of a team you need to be playing at least 75% of the time because otherwise you lose your place or you can’t build any sort of momentum which is so important to even at a low level. Also I want to commit to what I say I’m going to commit to and I do have a passion for sports, it’s my outlet outside of work and the family so I’ve chosen to do it in a way that will benefit me in the fact that I attend one team 75% as opposed to 3 teams 25% of the time. This benefits me becuase I’m getting my outlet but also leaves me the whole Saturday and Sunday afternoon to spend with my family.

Her argument is that I put sport above my family I should spend less and less time doing it and give more and more time to spending it with my family especially when she goes back to work and we try for a 2nd. I also say that she could have a hobby and I would support it wholeheartedly but she says her hobby consists of spending quality time with me and our daughter like I don’t want to do that either. I don’t find it very fair to be honest it’s hard to me find solutions without constantly conceding more and more dates in which I’m available.

Am I being unreasonable, I don’t think I am and I can’t help but feel more bitter the more and more I give ground. but I’d like to hear it from a Mums side across the board?

I agree that you need to make sacrifices when raising A family which I am doing but I also feel you need to retain some on your individuality and have some regular time for yourself it’s really about how much time is fair?

Does your partner get an equal amount of "time off" as well? If not than YABU.

As a completely lone parent I do have little sympathy for people who think they are entitled to regular "time off" from parenting.

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 16:14

YANBU at all @Youtube1

However, this is MN, and there are a considerable number of posters on here who will automatically say the man is in the wrong, no matter what.

For me, I think it is incredibly important that parents both do something they enjoy. Something where they aren't either just being at work or a parent.
If your wife chooses not to do that, that is, of course her choice BUT she has no right to stop you doing something so healthy.

Youtube1 · 29/12/2023 16:31

As I said above I’ve encouraged her to have a hobby but her answer is that her hobby is being with me and our daughter which of course is something that I prioritise as well. I wish that she got a hobby as I would definitely make equal time for her. I don’t want to paint her in a bad light as she’s an amazing women who does so much for our family. At the same time I try to be the best husband I can and father as well. Unfortunately because she doesn’t have an outlet it’s makes my outlet look at though I’m being selfish. More advice would definitely be appreciated?

crumblingschools · 29/12/2023 16:36

How much parenting do you do? What is gong to happen with chores etc when she goes back to work?

Truthlikeness · 29/12/2023 16:49

I played adult women's football for many years (in a variety of formats) and pretty much every woman who had kids quit playing. The tiny number that did continue found ways to do it that were far less time intensive, e.g. playing scratch games where you just turn up and play (i.e. not a league) or for teams that needed spare players and where non-attendance at training wouldn't be a problem. They would also turn up at the very last minute before the game and rush away immediately afterwards.

I think that is the compromise you have to make when you have small children. There is probably the opportunity to get more involved with sports when they are a little older, or you can do what my brother does and coach his kids team and now play in the same team as his older son.

BJ40 · 29/12/2023 17:16

I was in a very similar situation with my partner after we had our daughter. We have an amazing relationship but he has a hobby which he spends huge amounts of time doing and took on a senior organising role while I was pregnant(it's not sports so it wasn't just training and matches). We ended up having relationship counselling where we agreed very set boundaries - we agreed on him being out 2 nights every week and 1 weekend a month (it was at least double this before we had our daughter). I really don't think we would have solved the issue without a counsellor guiding the discussion and helping us to each voice our feelings without it turning into a shouting match - which is what had happened many times before.

We also use a joint calendar on our phones which helps us to both plan our week and we very quickly go through it on a Sunday evening.
My partner is a very hands-on Dad so when he is home, he does more than his fair share of housework and parenting duties - is that the case for yourself? He can walk in from his hobby and be showered and changed in 20 minutes ready to go back out with the family. If he came home saying he wanted to 'chill', he would know what the answer would be! As our children are now older, he also makes a real effort to plan dates and things for just the 2 of us which shows that he wants to spend time with me and not just his hobby.
Whilst, I understand that your partner just wants to spend time as a family, this may hopefully change in the future (it's so important in a relationship). Make sure you are fully accepting the second she mentions it e.g. going for a drink with some friends or trying an exercise class. It took me ages as a new mum to realise how important those things were and now I love my own hobby!
Sorry for the long post but hopefully some of it may be of use!

OffsideRule · 29/12/2023 17:22

I wouldn't give up my weekend sport.

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