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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement over glitter on toys

113 replies

Thatglitter · 12/02/2023 10:48

I would like to know who IBU between DH and me. We have two little girls, 4 and 2.

For various reasons I thought yesterday that they deserved a treat. I took oldest to the toy shop and let her choose something for her and her sister. She saw a little fairy doll - her eyes lit up, you know the drill. So I bought one each for her and her sister. She was SO happy with it and she still is. Little sister loves hers too.

I did not inspect the material of the dolls' dresses before buying them. I hold my hands up to this. I wanted her to have something she really wanted - she isn't often taken to the toy shop to pick out something. This was my error.

So it turns out the overlayer of the fairies' dresses has annoying glitter that sheds. Both DH and I are tidy by nature but he can take it too far (I feel) and I have expressed concern in the past that I don't want the girls feeling on edge about creating mess or playing at home, in what I perceive to be a normal way. Put another way, I can tolerate more mess and am accepting of the need to tidy and clean up around young children. Housework is quite evenly split between DH and me with me doing more of the day to day and him doing a blitz over the weekend.

So DH has now had a low voice rant to me about the fairies and wants to cut their sparkly dresses off them. This would leave them with a cotton dress underneath but the sparkle is the main thing that makes them fairies, and the things both girls love about them.

I've said a flat out no so it's not happening. I've said I'm happy to have them as downstairs toys and when the novelty wears off them they could probably go on a shelf in each girl's bedroom.

DH is very concerned about air quality if that changes things. We have air purifiers in all bedrooms, he won't have a wood burner etc.

I'm feeling angry. I feel sad he can't turn a blind eye to the glitter when he sees the enjoyment the girls are getting. I do agree glitter is annoying but I feel he takes it to the extreme. He'll be tense now when they're playing with them and I feel like it sucks the joy out for us all. They won't play with them forever and they won't be little forever either.

YABU - get rid of the glitter

YANBU - keep the glitter

OP posts:
Lunaloud · 12/02/2023 12:33

My SIL hated glitter with a passion she’d avoid it at all costs. I use to love sending anything with glitter on to my DNs, cards, dolls, craft sets. She tried returning the favour when I had my DDs but I don’t care, even the dogs regularly covered in glitter in our house 😆

Getthefiregoing · 12/02/2023 12:41

I feel sad for him. I think he'd benefit for some therapy. Was he allowed to make mess as a child?

I'm very particular and keep a clean and minimal home to help me deal with my dislike of mess and clutter. But life, not just children, brings some bits of nuisance mess and clutter. He needs to find a way to deal with it.

I'm still finding the occasional pine needle here and there from the Christmas tree. Even little sparkles of tinsel. But I'm not going to stop having a Christmas tree and take the magic of a bit of sparkle away for my child.

He needs to step outside of himself and have a serious word. If he's not able to do that then he needs to see a therapist who can help guide him through his thoughts.

SophieTheGuineaPig · 12/02/2023 12:54

The fairy dolls sound lovely and I think my DD would love to have one. May I have the name of the doll / name of the shop / URL to see if I can find one locally.

More to the point, YANBU of course.

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 12:59

Reinventinganna · 12/02/2023 12:17

I would fill a bucket full of glitter and leave it balanced above a door for him to find.

I like you a LOT!

Wagt · 12/02/2023 12:59

Make it clear to your partner that there is no chance of cutting the toy girls’ dresses off them, that would be quite a fucked up sadistic thing to do and just as bad in the children’s eyes as eg beheading the dolls.

Agree it may make sense to pick one room where the dolls are played with, but that wouldn’t be my preference as that’s such a controlling thing to do and spoils a lovely gift.

So what if there’s a bit of glitter on the floor, it vacuums up and fairly soon it’ll have finished shedding and there will be no more to come off. Simply put, it does not matter at all if your floor glitters slightly for a few weeks.

The biggest problem is your partner’s uptight and controlling attitude affecting the rest of the family. A house with young children can be either happy or tidy but it can’t be both (or not for long anyway!) Your partner needs to accept that he can’t force the rest of the family to comply with his uptight and unrealistic demands re tidiness.

Original poster
Thatglitter · 12/02/2023 13:05

SophieTheGuineaPig · 12/02/2023 12:54

The fairy dolls sound lovely and I think my DD would love to have one. May I have the name of the doll / name of the shop / URL to see if I can find one locally.

More to the point, YANBU of course.

It's these

www.crafts4kids.co.uk/moulin-roty-little-golden-fairy-doll

OP posts:
Getthefiregoing · 12/02/2023 13:44

@Thatglitter

They're gorgeous!

I really hope your husband can calm down and see how cruel it would be to his little girls to cut off their doll's dresses. I get a little pain thinking about that! If my dad had done such a thing it would have broken my heart.

SophieTheGuineaPig · 12/02/2023 13:46

The doll is lovely, thank you! I can see why your girls liked them

GoodChat · 12/02/2023 13:47

Oh they're beautiful! What a lovely treat!

CircleofWillis · 12/02/2023 13:57

They are beautiful! I was expecting something quite different.

PinkElephantsInLemonade · 12/02/2023 14:11

Just so you are aware op, deliberately damaging a toy is a well known illustration of abuse used in safeguarding training.
Usually the example of burning a teddy is given, but your situation is also a bit of a red flag. If this is our of character your DH needs to get help before it escalates. If it's not out of character I'd be very worried for your kids as that sounds like emotional abuse.

HitTheBars · 12/02/2023 14:25

Having such a problem with some glitter, talking about air quality, being excessively preoccupied with tidiness all points to a bigger issue.

If he does have some sort of anxiety/ocd then he can’t help it, but he does need to address it with professional help. It can be really damaging to children to grow up in that environment.

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 14:26

Those dolls really don’t shed much glitter, if at all. I’m astonished by his reaction. It’s totally over the top.

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 15:35

Everyone on here is possibly younger than me...

But this would've been a classic Simon Bates Our Tune story.....

I remember I was five years old, I'd got an excellent school report and so has my sister. As a rare treat our DM took us to a toy shop. We were never really allowed free choice in a toy shop, this was a very special treat.

We both chose the loveliest dolls that matched, chosen because we both loved the glitter on their dresses, something not really allowed in our house. We were never allowed glitter in arts and crafts, our dad was concerned about "air quality".

We took these prized dolls home with us, it was clear that dad was not pleased, we could hear his cross voice ranting at mum. We both sat quietly holding our dolls tight.

But dad wouldn't let this drop and despite mum protesting, he insisted that he cut their dresses off and so the glitter was gone and we had two plain dolls with nothing looking nice. Honestly, to us two little girls, the entire joy of those dolls was gone, they were never played with again and neither of us ever forgot those scissors taking off their beautiful sparkly dresses.

This story would then be followed by a very sad song..

Robin233 · 12/02/2023 16:14

Ok
Give it a week and most of the glitter will have gone.
My little one had strap on fairy wings from grandma one Christmas
She was 4 I think
She looked great running around with matching fairy wand
Anyway it became quite apparent that said fairy wings shed fairy dust - I mean glitter

It was amazing where you found it. Dh wasn't bother
I'm very house proud but found it amusing
She had so much fun with those wings
It hoovered up in the weekly sweep
Soon they were relegated to bottom of the toy box.
I did say when we've moved the next owners would still be finding it.
So this ti will pass

WiIson · 12/02/2023 16:28

Dogcafedreamer. Brilliant. I remember.

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 16:35

WiIson · 12/02/2023 16:28

Dogcafedreamer. Brilliant. I remember.

Oh I remember those, always so sad 😞

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 12/02/2023 16:38

Tell him to suck it up.

It won’t be long before someone gives them a gift set of 10,000 tiny beads to string that will get dropped on the floor and you’ll still be finding them 10 weeks later….

Goodadvice1980 · 12/02/2023 16:41

Your dh sounds like an insufferable bore, let the dc’s enjoy their toys!

purpledalmation · 12/02/2023 17:00

Your DH is taking the eco purity side too seriously. I get the glitter and sequin argument, but they've been bought so that's the end of it.

StephanieSuperpowers · 12/02/2023 17:10

It's important to not allow your husband to use something that's good (environmental awareness) to bully and control the children.

Getthefiregoing · 12/02/2023 17:54

PinkElephantsInLemonade · 12/02/2023 14:11

Just so you are aware op, deliberately damaging a toy is a well known illustration of abuse used in safeguarding training.
Usually the example of burning a teddy is given, but your situation is also a bit of a red flag. If this is our of character your DH needs to get help before it escalates. If it's not out of character I'd be very worried for your kids as that sounds like emotional abuse.

Absolutely this. Toys and even the smallest silly little trinkets are so precious to children. It would be incredibly cruel to do anything to them.

Original poster
Thatglitter · 12/02/2023 19:57

So I've spoken to him - I asked if he could see that it wasn't a normal response to some glitter. To be honest he couldn't really and started distinguishing it from situations like where they do arts and crafts with glitter etc.

The issue is definitely the control aspect - like with an activity he can control where it goes and clean up afterwards. With these toys the glitter is all over the house.

I told him I'm worried for the future and him projecting this anxiety onto the girls. I can tell he is hurt because he works hard not to let them see when he is struggling with some "tendency" towards cleanliness - but it is what it is and he needed to hear it. I've asked him to make a GP appointment and he's agreed.

I told him that if he cut the glittery material off the dresses that it would be something they'd remember forever, etc. He accepted that and said that's why he came to me with the idea as a suggestion. He's not a dickhead he won't insist (and nor would I agree) to something like that. It was more that the mere suggestion set alarm bells ringing in my head.

I think where we've got to is that he sees the potential ocd is an issue, but probably not in the context of this glitter disagreement specifically. Anyway I'm glad I've spoken to him about it as I wouldn't be doing right by my girls not to.

In respect of the dolls, they will be put to bed downstairs so we don't get glitter all over their beds etc. This is the main issue for DH, the microplastics thing. On a practical level everyone can live with that.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 12/02/2023 20:07

Such a palaver Hmm. There's a finite amount of glitter that can possibly be shed from those dolls. It's hardly like emptying a bucket of the stuff. Wtf?
You sound nearly as bad as he is.

pictoosh · 12/02/2023 21:25

You're still pandering to his shite by not letting the girls take the dollies to bed.