Kid won’t eat

[toddlercoaster]

DD1 is 4yr old. She has always been a picky eater. She hates fruit, the only fruit she has is banana. She’s a bit better with vegetables though she hates a few veggies like beans and sweet potatoes! Rest she has a good diet (loves eggs, milk, fish, chicken) but it all depends on me and my DH who has to give up atleast an hour to spend by her side and keep singing “eat eat eat eat”. She’s in 25th percentile for weight and 50th for height. Few days ago I came across an article on ARFID. I’m now sick with worry of what if this picky eating continues? AIBU as I cannot take of ARFID off my mind and am becoming obsessed with her diet (trying to sneak in fruit in her diet somehow). She’s down with cough and cold at the moment and is off food. How do i make her eat fruit? She loves fruit juice though, the one i get from Tesco. I’m sick with worry and DH says I’m overreacting and that kids do overcome picky eating with time. Advice plzzz

Don't force her to eat. Especially if she's not well at the moment

I hate most fruit... always have done and always will. Give her the vegetables she does like.

There is no need for her to eat fruit. If she is unwell there is no need for her to eat at all. Just make sure she is drinking enough and put out some small snacks.

I wouldn’t be spending an hour over meal times. Do wonder she is feed up and doesn’t want to eat.

Fruit is good, but it isn’t the be all and end all - that she eats a decent range of vegetables and proteins is a lot more important. Keep on giving her the things she likes and encourage her to try new things but without pressure.

If she struggles with meals then would she prefer to be able to graze from dinner time onwards rather than be faced with a huge plateful at once and a deadline to eat it all in? Break the meal down into pieces that she can return to as she wants to. I’ve always preferred to eat that way and have done so throughout most of my adulthood.

She doesn't sound that picky if she eats eggs, fish , chicken and most veg. Stop making mesl times a battle. All sit down together and eat and see how it goes.

I can sympathise as my 4 year old is also exceptionally fussy but what we do is just put down the food that we have prepared and let him eat wherever he wants of it. Often very little. He can have fruit , veg sticks or yoghurt whenever he wants and he does eat more sweets etc than I'd like but he is active and healthy so I try not to stress. You can't make a child eat whether that's fruit or anything else. All you can do is offer a wide variety of healthy meals and hope for the best. Sitting next to her saying eat eat will be very stressful and it's making it into an issue. Just put the food down and leave her to it.

Hi OP, I think it's important that you separate your anxiety around her food from her actual food. She will struggle far more over the rest of her life if you create a situation where meals become an anxious time for her.

First up, she's 25% for weight and 50% for height - that sounds like well within the tolerance for a normal healthy child. Every kid isn't meant to be on the 50% line! She is most likely absolutely healthy, you're doing great with chicken, fish, etc.

If she's not well and doesn't want to eat, there is no point in encouraging her - she may well vomit, which would increase her reluctance in a vicious spiral. Just keep her hydrated, and yes fruit juice is fine for that, especially if you dilute it slightly.

Once she's better, the things that worked well when mine were picky were involving them in cooking - there's a show on CBeebies called Big Cook Little Cook with recipes they can join in with (you'd have to pick an episode with a nice healthy looking recipe and get the ingredients in beforehand). My 5yo loves this, it's his favourite rainy day play, and he eats loads of whatever we 'cook'!

And the other thing is smoothies, we have a Nutribullet high speed blender and I get ground flax seed and nut butters and bananas and berries and raw cacao powder into them by calling it a 'chocolate smoothie' and DC help choosing the ingredients... Lots of fresh goodness that slips down easily, with a nice colourful straw.

But please try to manage your anxiety because long-term it could do damage to her relationship with food and her body. Best of luck.

Don't force her to eat. Just offer the food and then remove it after a reasonable time.

She doesn't sound particularly fussy though.

she doesn’t start eating until i beg her to. She waits for it! She starts and then stops and waits for me to plead again. I’m going mad with her behaviour and I’m in tears most of the time thinking she’ll never outgrow this picky eating.

Mate, I have ARFID and it's not picky eating. I actually love a wide range of foods but my brain can stop me eating dead. A texture being slightly different can actually make me want to vomit, so I can't eat that again.

I can actually be really hungry but still unable to eat.

With your daughter, take the pressure off, stop the pantomime of attention at each meal time. Put stuff on the table and just give her a very small bit of each thing then talk about other stuff. Eat with her as a family, eat with others. Make meals fun and understated.

Sounds like she's controlling the situation and you're letting her.

My son has arfid. New food gets offered alongside his 'safe' food. There's no discussion/pleading/negotiating. If it's not eaten it just gets taken away with no comment.

The other day I read a post from a pediatric nutritionist which is basically "if you want your child to eat more, insist less". I know it's hard not to worry OP, but from what I understand the more you insist the more likely they are to become picky. I would serve everyone food and pretend not to care about what she's doing. Also preparing food together and making it a bit more fun with her might help create positive associations with meal times.
Also take a look at solid starts on instagram, like a treasure box with a ton of information on this from very credible sources. It will be fine 🌸

The more you beg, or sing songs, the more of an issue you make it. Although your intentions are good your letting your worry make things worse all around.

provide her with foods you know she likes then sit and eat your meal without making any comment about what she is or isn’t eating. Remove all pressure and fuss.

encourage things like baking but without any pressure to eat what she makes.

Get a 30 mins sand timer. Tell her when the time runs outs the meal is over. Sit and eat with her but don’t make any comments on if she likes her food or if she eats or doesn’t. Obviously tell her in advance that this is how meals time will be from
now on because you trust her as a big early to eat when she is hungry.

Yesterday me and DH had lunch and went straight upstairs. She came sneaking in the kitchen and came running upstairs saying mommy daddy i want food🤣 that was music to ears. I gave her but she took a few bites and was off I stopped insisting and let go as she has bad cough and is vomiting if i force her to eat too much.

I say this kindly, you need to stop putting so much pressure (on yourself and your DD) at mealtimes.

I have ARFID and as @Mabelface mentioned, it's far from picky eating. I used to sit and look at what someone else was eating and I could think "that looks amazing!" Then as soon as it was in front of me my brain was like "nope" and my throat would clam up and I would get shakes and no amount of coercion could make me eat.

Just plate your DD's meal (or even better let her plate her own), don't comment on her eating (or lack of) and at the end ask if she's finished and clear away.

She doesn't "need" to eat fruit. If she likes most vegetables and fruit juice that's already a win.

It's likely she doesn't have ARFID if she eats while you chant (my mum tried everything to get me to eat and it never worked because my brain said no), so to me it seems a way of her controlling mealtimes. Maybe offer choices at other stages (plating her own food might help) to allow her some control, but otherwise I would just eat meals, and clear away at the end with no fuss. Try not to get into a battle of "singing" to get her to eat.

She’ll virtually almost certainly grow out of it. Think about it this way: with the exception of actual eating disorders, how many adults do you know who will only eat plain pasta, cheese cut into cubes, chicken nuggets, cry when faced with an apple, and have to be cajoled with sing-songs by the people next to them to eat their dinner? It’s tough now, but it won’t be forever. Take the weight off the both of you and help her eat in a way which works with her appetite, like grazing and no pressure of a mealtime, if that works.

You need to stop this and now. At your next meal put the food out and talk to her about anything but food. Just carry on normal conversations.

You are seriously making a rod for your own back here.

Like others have said, it's a control thing. Cook her things she likes and put them on a plate. Have her sit at the table with you then ignore the food. The timer's a good idea, so she has a visual representation of how long the meal will be. I'd tell her every ten mins how long is left. At the end.of the time put her plate in the fridge, and don't make any comment about what she has, or hasn't, eaten. If she asks for food later bring her plate out.

She will resist, but stay firm. No singing!

Does this mean the damage is done with my coercion? Or can i start a fresh and let her eat at her own pace? And let her choose what she eats? I want to end this battle of food. I suffer from high BP and also have a 9mo DD2 to look after, this whole food thing is making me mad.

I doubted about ARFID because she likes to eat those Ellas kitchen fruit pouches with DD2 who is 9months old, but she hates eating real fruit. She drinks apple juice from supermarket but hates real apples!

She doesn’t sound that picky really, seems to eat a good variety of food. Doesn’t sound like arfid if she’s eating foods of various textures etc.

@toddlercoaster please don't think you've done any lasting damage! Like I said my mum tried everything to get me to eat (including making a mashed potato teddy bear which she claims was a particularly low point) and I eat a varied diet now (more varied than some of my peers) even with ARFID. If she didn't tell me about the mashed potato teddy bear I wouldn't have even remembered it and I was a lot older than 4 at the time.

Just take a deep breath and step back (it's easier said than done I know) and let your DD set the pace. I really struggle with my own DD who is going through a picky stage but I'm trying not to project my own anxieties about food, I read somewhere that sometimes toddlers/young children seem to survive on just air which is reassuring that it's common that occasionally children won't eat no matter what we do.

I always have things like fruit, sliced peppers, mini cucumbers, cheese, carrot sticks etc in the fridge if DD doesn't eat at mealtimes but complains she's hungry later. I don't tend to offer snacks like biscuits or crisps in between meals. Sometimes I think the pressure of a full meal is a bit too much for her and she'll have a picky plate a little bit later. This gives me the reassurance I need that there is food available if she is hungry and takes the pressure off my anxiety a bit at mealtimes.

Years ago, I had lunch with a friend whose child ‘didn’t eat’. I served a tiny portion, put her at the other end of the table and her child next to mine, distracted the mum with chat and asking for help serving stuff, and waited.

Child glanced around, realised no one was looking, sneaked some food. Waited a bit (expecting to be persuaded, cajoled etc I think) then took another tiny piece quickly. After about five minutes they started eating, but with continual glances at mum, and stopping when she was looking their way.

Can you manage to not comment at all on what she eats, how much she eats etc? Not in body language even? I suspect that a few days of that is what she needs to reduce the pressure and allow her to feel hungry. Having a friend or slightly older child there showing that they enjoy food can also be helpful.

I’m in tears most of the time thinking she’ll never outgrow this picky eating.

Look - think about this rationally. Most adults do not have this problem. In fact, most adults are overweight and eat too much. So it’s most unlikely that this will persist. Don’t make a big deal of it. Offer her a wide range of foods and encourage her to have a balanced diet. And take the stress out of it, for everyone’s sake.