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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to about friend who I've let move in.

109 replies

LG123 · 11/02/2023 04:56

So I've let my friend move in as she needed somewhere, no rent just contribute to gas etc as she's off sick recovering from pneumonia.
On occasion help out with my daughter (who loves her).

She watched her for an hour Tuesday while I had a work meeting and half hour or so today for my midwife appointment.

Tonight, she offered to watch her so I could nip out while my 4yo sleeps. She turns up late so I cancel plans, fine whatever not important. Although if she'd just told me she'd rather go out I'd have asked my mum to watch her. Then she goes off to the pub turns up drunk practically kicking my door down at 2am (it startled me and I was on my own in the house with my little girl), mind you she has a key. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and exhausted and she woke up, passed out on my living room floor then crawled her way upstairs, took shoes off and rolled over me in my bed and is currently led on the bed fully clothed, coat and all snoring like a fucking freight train. I've not been able to get a wink of sleep, I have plans tomorrow. I'm fuming. It isn't the first time this week she's let down either, she was supposed to watch my daughter whilst I went for a scan as my trust does not allow children she text me at the 3pm 20 mins before my appointment and said sorry I was playing Amoung Us (mobile game) and lost track of time, she managed to get to the hospital 15mins after my appointment and me stalling. You can seriously tell she has no responsibilities and just doesn't give a shit about much. When she offers to watch my daughter and lets me down last minute so I can organise anything else is just annoying, my mum isn't quite local, she's half hour drive away.

I've let her move in with her kittens who are all over the shop, knocking things off furniture and toys all over my daughter's bedroom. We don't have pets so it changes our lifestyle somewhat.

What do I do? I'm not sure I have the heart to kick her out.

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 11/02/2023 05:04

Find the heart to kick her out. She must be recovered if she’s well enough to get trollied at the pub!

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 11/02/2023 05:10

Could you start by having a conversation with your friend about what your expectations are, what currently isn't working for you, and what you would like her to do differently if she is to continue staying with you?

If the situation fails to improve after this the yes do give her notice that she needs to leave. Your health is important and during this stage of your pregnancy you don't need the extra stress.

As for the childminding, it sounds like that isn't working unless you adults are both already home. If you have other options use them instead because your friend doesn't sound dependable.

MusicWithRocksIn · 11/02/2023 05:10

I agree you should kick her out, but I know in practice I'd find it difficult to do. How long had you agreed she could stay? I'd at least have a conversation with her about it.

Iwantabloodypizza · 11/02/2023 05:11

As someone who has had pneumonia, all I can say is, if she’s able to go and get shitfaced at the pub then she’s fine now.

Why are you putting up with this? Tell her to leave and take her pets with her.

Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:15

@BecuaseIWantItThatWay I don't have much in the way of expectations but lying on my front doorstep kicking my door drunk when you have a key is a bit much. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and already exhausted.

We were both home, she nipped out and said she'd be back for me I even said I'll take her to my mum's if you'd rather not rush back, I'll be back she goes. Low and behold. As for the scan I asked her nearly a week ahead.

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:16

@MusicWithRocksIn we didn't agree a set time just till she's on her feet.

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:17

@Iwantabloodypizza I'm putting up with it because I'm soft touch pushover who doesn't like confrontation.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 11/02/2023 05:19

You’ve got a kid and another on the way. This friend’s chaos is bad for them as well as you. Find your heart for your children and kick her out.

GCAcademic · 11/02/2023 05:21

LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:17

@Iwantabloodypizza I'm putting up with it because I'm soft touch pushover who doesn't like confrontation.

When people refuse to deal with things like this because they “don’t like confrontation”, they allow a situation to continue that inevitably leads to far worse confrontation further down the line than would have been the case if they’d simply spoken up at the outset.

Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:22

@NumberTheory thanks Number knew I could trust mumsnet to say it as it is!

OP posts:
Bilboard · 11/02/2023 05:24

You can't live like this. Your first responsibility is to your daughter and unborn baby. You need to look after you.
Your friend sounds like a teenager. Next thing she 'll do is bringing unwanted people round.
Give her a week or two weeks notice and ask her to leave.
She will then start with the guilt trip/ or the anger, she might tell you she has nowhere to stay, she's had a hard life, everyone lets her down, she has the cats, how could you "do" this to her, etc. This is not your problem.
When in doubt, always align your words/ actions/ and choices with what is best for your priorities, in this case your children and having your friend living with you , is definitly not conductive to what is best for them or you.
I know it might sound harsh but you 'll thank yourself for standing your ground. I am "you" a few years ago.
She's not being a friend.

Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:24

@GCAcademic oh I know, being a wimp has lead to that before but I am genuinely terrified of confrontation.. too much of a people pleaser.

OP posts:
Butterflywing · 11/02/2023 05:25

She is using you and she knows you are too kind to throw her out.

She is unreliable, selfish and doesn't give a damn about you.

I would question why you think you can trust her to babysit?

Car excrement can cause miscarriage.

CatchHimDerry · 11/02/2023 05:26

I had a very similar thing a few years ago. Friend soon moved to another friend’s place, where she equally took the piss and was thrown out as other friend has more balls than me 😂

we look back now and cringe at piss-taker’s behaviour and thank god it wasn’t for long

Butterflywing · 11/02/2023 05:27

Cat *!

FeinCuroxiVooz · 11/02/2023 05:27

you definitely need to kick her out, she is obviously going through avery chaotic phase but she won't be able to access the help she needs until she faces up to her problems, and letting her stay is only enabling her to avoid dealing.

the kittens need to be dropped off at a shelter. they will be found homes quickly, there are loads of families waiting for kittens, and she can't keep them safe while her own life us so chaotic. she will be able to get kittens again once she has sorted her life out.

I don't know whether she is struggling with alcoholism, mental illness or something else but she clearly isn't making rational decisions. if you don't kick her out now you wouldn't be doing her any favours, you would just be making it so that she has to spiral even lower before hitting rock bottom.

Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:31

@FeinCuroxiVooz she's not am alcoholic, and she looks after the cats just fine.

I just feel like she's taking the piss a bit. Especially as she's the one who gets to snore her fucking while she's keeping her pregnant friend awake.

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:32

@CatchHimDerry I need to grow a pair by the sounds of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:33

@Butterflywing oh she's very good with mine and another friends child, my daughter loves her.

OP posts:
Itisbetter · 11/02/2023 05:34

Why are you scared to tell her what you want? Why are you scared to be honest?

Irrelevantdata · 11/02/2023 05:34

Who else do you have in your life for support OP? I'd get some back-up round and tell her she needs to go, she's given you the perfect excuse by behaving as she has tonight as you can't have that shit around your DC or causing you stress when you're pregnant. She blew her right to any notice or leeway when she kicked your door at 2am so she'll have to find someone else to put her up, not your problem anymore.

Unikeko · 11/02/2023 05:40

Wake her up and make her move off your bed!

MrNook · 11/02/2023 05:41

Butterflywing · 11/02/2023 05:25

She is using you and she knows you are too kind to throw her out.

She is unreliable, selfish and doesn't give a damn about you.

I would question why you think you can trust her to babysit?

Car excrement can cause miscarriage.

What a ridiculous thing to say, don't try and scare the OP. OP is very very unlikely to get Toxoplasmosis and very unlikely to be picking up cat poo with her bare hands and then not washing them and only 1 in 10,000 babies are born with it (not dying from it just born with it)

Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:42

@Irrelevantdata I have my mum who is the most local and family around an hour and a half away, also other friends (who are also friends with this friend). I really haven't been in her thought process tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:45

@Itisbetter I've always been a bit of people pleaser, hate confrontation etc. Think it comes from when I was a kid, in my dad's eyes I couldn't do right from wrong. I've always been walked all over.. just one of those people.

OP posts: