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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what to about friend who I've let move in.

109 replies

LG123 · 11/02/2023 04:56

So I've let my friend move in as she needed somewhere, no rent just contribute to gas etc as she's off sick recovering from pneumonia.
On occasion help out with my daughter (who loves her).

She watched her for an hour Tuesday while I had a work meeting and half hour or so today for my midwife appointment.

Tonight, she offered to watch her so I could nip out while my 4yo sleeps. She turns up late so I cancel plans, fine whatever not important. Although if she'd just told me she'd rather go out I'd have asked my mum to watch her. Then she goes off to the pub turns up drunk practically kicking my door down at 2am (it startled me and I was on my own in the house with my little girl), mind you she has a key. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and exhausted and she woke up, passed out on my living room floor then crawled her way upstairs, took shoes off and rolled over me in my bed and is currently led on the bed fully clothed, coat and all snoring like a fucking freight train. I've not been able to get a wink of sleep, I have plans tomorrow. I'm fuming. It isn't the first time this week she's let down either, she was supposed to watch my daughter whilst I went for a scan as my trust does not allow children she text me at the 3pm 20 mins before my appointment and said sorry I was playing Amoung Us (mobile game) and lost track of time, she managed to get to the hospital 15mins after my appointment and me stalling. You can seriously tell she has no responsibilities and just doesn't give a shit about much. When she offers to watch my daughter and lets me down last minute so I can organise anything else is just annoying, my mum isn't quite local, she's half hour drive away.

I've let her move in with her kittens who are all over the shop, knocking things off furniture and toys all over my daughter's bedroom. We don't have pets so it changes our lifestyle somewhat.

What do I do? I'm not sure I have the heart to kick her out.

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 11/02/2023 05:45

Has she moved out of her accommodation and not told you?

Original poster
LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:46

@Blondewithredlips what do you mean? She came here because she had to leave her last place and had nowhere else.

OP posts:
LostidentityM · 11/02/2023 05:59

I always think of these situations as what example am I setting my child. You may think you're a people pleaser etc, but if your child was like that, I'm sure you'd hate them being taken for a ride. So get this person out.

NumberTheory · 11/02/2023 06:07

LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:45

@Itisbetter I've always been a bit of people pleaser, hate confrontation etc. Think it comes from when I was a kid, in my dad's eyes I couldn't do right from wrong. I've always been walked all over.. just one of those people.

You need to steel yourself and be brave for a short time.

This avoidance is hurting you. The bad stuffs going to happen anyway, because you know this cant just continue forever, so at some point you’re going to get to a point where you can[t avoid kicking her out. And all the time you’re putting it off, you’re going to continue to have this disruption making your life difficult and risking your kids’ happiness and wellbeing.

Wallywobbles · 11/02/2023 06:11

Nows the time to start reading up on all the resources out their about dealing with conflict. And then you can practice you're newly acquired skill on her.

rattlemehearties · 11/02/2023 06:13

Psychoanalysing why you're a people pleaser is irrelevant and a distraction. Stop navel gazing. You need to advocate for your children and get her out. rise above it and find the confidence for your children's sakes. Your health really matters right now. She's being a crap friend.

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2023 06:16

Why did she have to leave her last place? Does she work/have an income? If assume she has been saving as she has had no outgoings other than the pub!

TiaI · 11/02/2023 06:22

Don’t bother analysing just give her notice. Seize the moment, she’s been a nightmare and you can act on the back of her behaviour. Say something like ‘it’s great you’ve bounced back, I’m so relived you’re feeling better and so let’s say mid March to move out. This will be good timing for me as I’m so exhausted being pregnant, I find it tiering having any extra people in the house.

TiaI · 11/02/2023 06:25

Then send her links to rental advertisements to prompt her. Do this a couple of times a week saying you think she might like the location/decor

RebeccaCloud9 · 11/02/2023 06:29

What @TiaI said is perfect - give her notice but make it sound like a positive thing, and be insistent that she moves out. Don't word it to give the option to choose to stay (eg not 'do you think you might be able to move out soon?')

GrumpyPanda · 11/02/2023 06:29

YABU for not having kicked her out long before this. And fuck letting her stay till March. I'd give her a week, no more.

As for tonight- roll her off your bed? Pour some cold water on her? Unbelievable behaviour.

RebeccaCloud9 · 11/02/2023 06:30

And when you're both up this morning is THE time to do it. Don't leave it any later!

Jotters · 11/02/2023 06:36

Kick her out tomorrow!

MarieRoseMarie · 11/02/2023 06:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MarieRoseMarie · 11/02/2023 06:44

Actually, that was too harshly phrased. I’ve asked for it to be deleted.

WandaWonder · 11/02/2023 06:45

How on earth is this healthy for your child?

Lemme · 11/02/2023 06:48

seize the day! Her behaviour is inexcusable. Ask her to leave. It’s great you’re better, sorry I can’t live like this, please go asap, need my space back, I’m pregnant , hormonal and in nesting mode, the alcohol fumes made me vomit, so sorry, etc etc. Alcohol fumes made me vomit when I was pregnant, made me extremely cross with DP!

EsmeSusanOgg · 11/02/2023 06:51

OP. Wake her up. And say her behaviour isn't ok and she needs to find somewhere else to stay.

CosyBobbleHat · 11/02/2023 06:55

I see it that you thought she could stay at yours and give you free babysitting, and now she's letting you down, you want her gone???

SnackyOnassis · 11/02/2023 06:56

OP you've got one child already with you, one on the way and you seem to have adopted a teenager.
If you won't do it for yourself, then think about what you're denying your actual children by giving physical and mental space to this adult. It's not fair to them and in the scale of who deserves the most from you, your friend should come very bottom of the list.

Mariposa26 · 11/02/2023 06:58

MrNook · 11/02/2023 05:41

What a ridiculous thing to say, don't try and scare the OP. OP is very very unlikely to get Toxoplasmosis and very unlikely to be picking up cat poo with her bare hands and then not washing them and only 1 in 10,000 babies are born with it (not dying from it just born with it)

Show quote history

Totally agree, complete scaremongering. Cats also catch it from eating infected prey which little kittens are unlikely to be doing.

MaggieFS · 11/02/2023 06:59

'Hi friend, I offered to let you stay to help you out but this isn't working and I need you to find somewhere else by the end of the week. I really want to help you but I have to also think of DC and the baby. You waking me up, making me tired and not keeping to agreements is actually making things worse than if you hadn't offered to babysit in the first place because I was relying on you. And pregnancy is exhausting, I need to sleep.'

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/02/2023 07:04

I clicked YABU because if you’re letting someone stay who treats you and your home like this and you’re not standing up for yourself and your kids and setting any boundaries, then frankly 🤷🏼‍♀️

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 11/02/2023 07:08

Kick her out. She's taking the piss. You have a child and another one on the way. She doesn't respect your home and apparently plans she's made to help you out. She can find somewhere else to live.

Fancylike · 11/02/2023 07:09

LG123 · 11/02/2023 05:46

@Blondewithredlips what do you mean? She came here because she had to leave her last place and had nowhere else.

She has nowhere else because she’s a user and everyone else has caught onto her.

Everyone else has already said it, but give her a firm deadline to be out. Don’t even give a reason, just say that she’s well now so
can move on by next weekend.
I bet she will suddenly find her feet once she doesn’t have you to mooch off.