To ask what to about friend who I've let move in.

[LG123]

So I've let my friend move in as she needed somewhere, no rent just contribute to gas etc as she's off sick recovering from pneumonia.
On occasion help out with my daughter (who loves her).

She watched her for an hour Tuesday while I had a work meeting and half hour or so today for my midwife appointment.

Tonight, she offered to watch her so I could nip out while my 4yo sleeps. She turns up late so I cancel plans, fine whatever not important. Although if she'd just told me she'd rather go out I'd have asked my mum to watch her. Then she goes off to the pub turns up drunk practically kicking my door down at 2am (it startled me and I was on my own in the house with my little girl), mind you she has a key. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and exhausted and she woke up, passed out on my living room floor then crawled her way upstairs, took shoes off and rolled over me in my bed and is currently led on the bed fully clothed, coat and all snoring like a fucking freight train. I've not been able to get a wink of sleep, I have plans tomorrow. I'm fuming. It isn't the first time this week she's let down either, she was supposed to watch my daughter whilst I went for a scan as my trust does not allow children she text me at the 3pm 20 mins before my appointment and said sorry I was playing Amoung Us (mobile game) and lost track of time, she managed to get to the hospital 15mins after my appointment and me stalling. You can seriously tell she has no responsibilities and just doesn't give a shit about much. When she offers to watch my daughter and lets me down last minute so I can organise anything else is just annoying, my mum isn't quite local, she's half hour drive away.

I've let her move in with her kittens who are all over the shop, knocking things off furniture and toys all over my daughter's bedroom. We don't have pets so it changes our lifestyle somewhat.

What do I do? I'm not sure I have the heart to kick her out.

OP get someone else to be the bad guy and come up with an excuse why she has to get out on a specific date, and stick to it! She's no friend. She knows you're a lovely person and a soft touch and she's using that to take advantage.

Your mate happens to be off work sick at the same time that she's had to move out? Are you sure there's a job? Could she have lost it?

If she has no job, no money, good luck getting her to move on. It's going to be a long road unless you put your big girl pants on!

Well yeah, the friend has offered this babysitting in exchange for no rent. Now both the time period (she’s recovered from sickness) has expired and the promises haven’t been kept, why should OP keep being mugged off. I would also get rid of those who continually let me down. What a silly stance to take.

“This isn’t working, is it, Friend? I can’t be doing with this, I’m pregnant and busy, and I’ve already got one kid to look after. You’re going to have to find somewhere else to stay today.”

”Oh but that’s mean, etc etc etc”

”I get grumpy when I’m tired. You’re going to have to find somewhere else to stay today. I’ll help you pack.”

Rinse and repeat until she goes. She might never speak to you again, but I’d class that as a result. She sounds exhausting.

This is so ridiculous, she doesn't care about you or your daughter so on that basis she has no reason to expect to be in your home. I would give her a deadline to leave like 2 days and offer to keep the cats for a bit to help but would end the friendship based on her not even trying to show some respect.

I'd use last nights outrageous performance as a very good opportunity. Use few words. No apologies. Make sure you can get your key back.

Has she apologised? If a guest behaved that way I would be hoping for a gesture- tidying the house/ cooking a big meal to say sorry for her behaviour. This would only be acceptable once.

I know people might want to get drunk if they're in a shit situation but please remind her what she did incase she has forgotten next day.

Is she looking for somewhere to live? Have you agreed on a time scale? Sounds like she's over the pneumonia and ready to look for somewhere.

You need to spell it out to her that this sort of behaviour can't continue under your roof, otherwise she needs to find somewhere else.
She's taking you for a mug.

And she's a friend?

I don't really understand why she is staying with you. She is clearly not poorly as she seems to be happily socialising and getting rat arsed.

I think you need to talk to her and explain that if she’s now able to go out and get really drunk then she’s able to find somewhere else to live. You have a young child to think of, she might get upset if she spots of hears your friend drunk.
Youve been a good friend by providing somewhere to stay. I wouldn’t use her as reliable childcare and would find someone else to watch your child for appointments. My hospital also does not allow children but they will in exceptional circumstances

So what has happened is the reason why she has to go. And don't take the 'it won't happen again' lines. Don't backtrack. Give her a reasonable date to move out by and that's it.

You will be doing something new by confronting and also showing your child that you don't get to be a pushover in life.

How can you trust her with your child? Sure, your daughter may love her, but this woman sounds very irresponsible, immature and chaotic. I wouldn't trust her to keep a potato safe, never mind my child.

She's recovering from pneumonia and staggering back in blind drunk at 2am? Doesn't sound very ill to me.

You need to be assertive and tell her that she now she's clearly feeling better (🤨) she needs to find herself a permanent place to stay. No need to be rude, but keep telling her this/asking her what her plans are. If it's clear she has no intention of leaving then you may need to up the ante.

This isn't a good environment for a 4yo and you being pregnant.

Where was she staying previously? And why she is now homeless?

I've had pneumonia. I can assure you I didn't go out drinking while recovering. The recovery part sounds quite suspect.

Sounds like she's recovered from her pneumonia, so can go back to work and find somewhere else to live!

I've had it twice, and both times when I was back at work it was a struggle and I really wasn't up to concentrating/rushing around, let alone going out for a drink/more.

Good luck OP, you know that you need to do.

This person is not behaving like a friend. She is using you.

Kick her out, she needs to learn her actions have consequences.

Kick her out today. She can go to the council on Monday and get on the housing list.

Op I've realised something, as a people pleaser myself. The people who we try to please don't give two hoots about pleasing us, going by their behaviour. You are wasting anxiety about upsetting your friend when she is just blissfully taking you for granted, suiting herself and putting herself first. When you worry about pleasing her, ask yourself 'is this an equal partnership? Is she trying to please me?' Turn it around and it will help you see that she doesn't care about respecting your kindness. It's not like you're terrified of offending someone e who has been really helpful...that would be different.

Another question. Why do you (on some level) believe that you should tolerate this? What is it about making boundaries and enforcing them that makes you so uncomfortable? At a certain point, you have to sit with the fact that you need to (and have a right to) enforce your own boundaries and at the same time, this may annoy users others. You have to accept this and put your foot down anyway, despite how uncomfortable it makes you. Learn to sit with the feeling of being a 'bad person', or whatever, and still proceed with protecting your home. Your priorities are with your children, not your ungrateful friend.

Are you actually letting her share your bed OP?

That can't be sustainable.

You’re not her friend, OP. I very much doubt she actually thinks of you that way. You’re a ‘convenience’, a ‘sucker for a sob story’. Discreetly pinch back your key while she’s sleeping this off, and tell her to leave today. She’s not your problem.

I don’t like confrontation either but not standing up for yourself actually attracts the potential for more confrontation not less as people like this seem to home in on nice, unconfrontational people.

She sounds totally recovered.

“now you’re all better, I’ll need my space back. Off you fuck”

“I’m a people pleaser” is a ridiculous excuse for giving away resources you don’t have. You might just as well be in debt and when told to stop spending so much say “oh I have to overspend because I’m a money spender”. You choose what comes out of your mouth and what you give to this person. Stop giving and use your words.

She’s on her feet and she’s using that time to get rolling drunk so she’s back off her feet again. I imagine you meant from a financial perspective though?