I let my mum down when she was dying

[theworldcanbeshit]

I feel worthless, and like I'm disappearing.

I’m a mum. I love my daughter. Even if she did let me down when I was dying, I’d forgive her. I wouldn’t ever want her to feel worthless. I’m sure you mum felt and would feel the same.

She sounded like she was choking and scared. Not a death rattle I've ever heard before. She sounded like she was scared and I can't get this out of my head.

Don't be hard on yourself. No idea how you think you let her down but we all have limits as to what we can bare. Just try to hold on to happy memories from your past. Give yourself time to grieve properly. Remember no one is perfect. There are often no right answers.

You might find it helpful to speak with a counsellor from Cruise.

How do you think you let her down exactly?

Oh honey, she absolutely would not have thought you let her down and I bet she would hate that you feel like this now. Like PP said, I would never feel like any of my kids had let me down in that kind of situation.

Could you have a go at some counselling to try and find some peace with yourself?

I rang the bell to get the hospice nurse, it took so long for her to come. The horrific choking noise went on and on.

I just kept talking to my mum to let her know I was here, the nurse was coming, saying it'd be okay. It obviously wasn't okay. I should have done something else, I don't know what, but something else.

Oh love, I'm sure she knew you loved her. Watching my mum die was the most traumatic thing I have ever seen and I tried every trick in the book not to be there.

This xxx

It was an awful situation. You did your best. It is perfectly understandable that you didn't know what to do.

If a close friend had had this experience, what would you say to them?

You haven’t let your mum down at all. You were there with her loving her and caring for her. You called for help. She would have known you were there and I’m sure loves you for it, perhaps what you saw was panic and you also felt a lot of panic and confusion

I'm sorry for your loss

You were there. It would have been the same if you weren't.

I just kept talking to my mum to let her know I was here

And that was 100% the right thing to do.

There was nothing else you could have done, you were there with her that's what matters x

You were there with her when she needed you. As a Mum I can't imagine a lovelier thing than to have your child with you, reassuring you, holding your hand. That is pure love on your part. Rest assured you couldn't have done anything else. Be gentle with yourself.

Losing your mam is awful. It sounds as if yours was terminally ill- you could not have saved her. It was beyond your control. You loved her and she knew that. You were with her and she knew that and you did your best to comfort her and she knew that. You didn't let her down and I bet she would be very upset if she knew you were thinking that. It's a horrible time and you must be kind to yourself now.

There is a hospice nurse on YouTube who has posted videos about the process of dying. Those noises while I understand they are extremely upsetting to hear are not a sound of conscious distress. Your mother would not have been in pain or have had any awareness. Those noises were of her body becoming weakerand her systems shutting down. You did the very best and probably the only thing you could which was to be with her. Nobody including all the professionals in the world could have altered the outcome.

You were with your Mum that was a hard but privileged position to be in. She would be so proud of you. 💐

What you did was amazing! You must have been such a comfort to her, you should feel proud for continuing to be so calm and reassuring and making her feel loved.
so sorry for your loss 💐

I.used to.work in dementia care many patients can make what sound like choking sounds at the end of life
was she sedated?
assuming she was she wouldn't have been aware of it secretions can make an awful noise ,but sadly it can sound far more distressing to relatives than it actually is

You categorically did NOT let your mother down.

You did the opposite, by being there next to her, you would've helped take away any fear she experienced at the time of her unavoidable death. There was absolutely nothing else you, the nurse or anyone in the world could've done.

The death rattle is an involuntary phenomenon near the end of life. It doesn't cause any pain or discomfort. What you saw was the final few muscle twitches of life which gives the impression of pain but is actually beyond conscious recognition.

Your mother was not suffering, and you being next to her rather than leaving her alone to get the nurse was precisely what she needed at that time. You, in fact, did exactly the right thing. You need to be proud of what you've done and how brave you've been, not feel worthless. You should be immensely proud.

I say these as both a doctor of 20+ years and as a son who held his mother's hand in exactly the same situation.

1,000% agree

Absolutely this.
It sounds like she maybe was at end of life care, if she was in hospice? If so, what would helping her have looked like? I’m not saying ‘she was dying anyway’ (of course not); but what help/good would you have been able to do, in a practical sense?
I think that you should console yourself with the fact you were there, and you kept talking to your mum, so your voice would likely have been the last thing she heard.
I think it might be helpful for you to seek some bereavement counselling. From personal experience, it really helped.

Those noises while I understand they are extremely upsetting to hear are not a sound of conscious distress. Your mother would not have been in pain or have had any awareness.

How do we know though?

I have done this before several times and never heard noises like this. I have heard some other noises that just sounded like secretions gathering.

But this sounded like she was trying to vocalise and call out? Like she was scared?

Just a few hours earlier she was making a sound in reply when we told her we love her. So she still. had awareness then?

How can we know at what point consciousness changes to where the person is not aware?

She had morphine and medazolam and then the nurse gave more and more and then it was all peaceful and ok.

I can't stop crying, I should have been really forceful and got the staff to give more medication so it never got to that point.

You did not let your mum down. You were there for her. You were scared, but despite that you managed to keep talking to your mum, keep telling her that you loved her. That is such an amazing and important and special thing you did for your mum. There is nothing to forgive.