I let my mum down when she was dying

[theworldcanbeshit]

I feel worthless, and like I'm disappearing.

Sadly that's the process of dying ,she may have had more awareness in the earlier hours but the morphine and midizolam would have taken over and she wouldn't have been aware
she was your mum of course it's distressing for you but you were there in her.last hours and that's all you could have done

You were there with her, you did everything you could do. I have sat with many residents where I work, when family could not been there. You mum is at peace now, don't give yourself a hard time.

I'm not purposefully trying to give myself a hard time. It just doesn't feel like I did enough, or that i did the right thing.

It feels like I made a mistake somehow even if I'm not certain what that was.

But how do we know people aren't aware? In a hospice situation, how do we know exactly when the brain stops getting enough oxygen so then awareness will fade?

Do vocal cords have reflexes that can make noises like somebody trying to call out at end of life?

You absolutely did not let your Mum down. You did exactly the right thing. You called for the nurse and you sat with your Mum and were with her. The nurse gave her the morphine and she passed peacefully

You are now grieving and it might help if you know that Guilt is one of the stages of grief. We go through different emotions when someone we love dies. My Mum died in the summer and I've been through all the different emotions - but they are not linear and they may come again. Guilt was one that I had too - for different reasons, because I wasn't there when she passed and because we asked the hospital not to continue the antibiotics she was getting and to let her go as she would have had no quality of life if she had survived a major stroke. I have to remind myself that it was exactly what Mum would have wanted and it was the right thing to do, but it is hard, even if she was well into her 90's.

You could not have done any more for her than you actually did. I am so very sorry for your loss, but you have nothing to forgive yourself or anyone else for that matter

Op that was the noise my dad made. You did the exact right thing and you let her know you were there. That was all she needed. It’s so hard but it does get easier. Big hugs x

The truth is, we don’t know.
But no matter how scared your mum was, I’m so sure she would have been comforted with just you being there.

I know how you feel, trust me. I didn’t get to my mum in time and I’ve been punishing myself since she passed away almost four years ago. I left her when she needed me most. The roller coaster of emotions is huge, or it has been for me. The guilt is overwhelming at times. All those missed calls I never returned. I left the country after her diagnosis. The anger that she never lived her best life. Angry that she died so young due to no fault of her own.

But I know she loved me and I know she knew I loved her. When I feel my emotions becoming raw and building up, I try to think how I’d feel if it was one of my children punishing themselves, and I’d be devastated. Your mum, I believe, would not want you to feel this way.

I know if I was passing away and my children were with me in my final moments, then that would bring me so much peace amongst the pain, suffering and frightening ordeal. Please be gentle on yourself. What would your dear mum to say to you about this if she were here right now?

I am sending so much love. The pain never gets easier so please don’t make it harder on yourself by punishing yourself. You did your best and that was good enough.

No direct experience or words I can think of to help other than to say you were totally there, trying your best to comfort and do the right thing for her at the end. That's all any mother could ask. I can't think of a single thing you could have done differently.

So sorry for your loss and I hope these feelings ease very soon for you, as it doesn't sound like you deserve them at all. Be gentle with yourself

You can get several different types of noises in the last few minutes and seconds of life all of which are quite typical. This is simply one of the typical patterns. Wide spread muscle spasms and contractions pushing air through airways also in spasm which looks like laboured breathing, air moving through vocal cords which can sound like attempts at speech, limbs flailing or gripping, head raising off the bed or pillow.

As you're finding out, it is shockingly terrible and very traumatic to witness. The emotions you're experiencing are also normal so don't be harsh on yourself. You've just been through a very stressful, tough ordeal. Be kind to yourself, think about how you would feel if your child felt so terrible for something that wasn't their fault and blamed themselves, would you not want them to be kind to themselves and be at peace? Of course you would.

I'm very sorry for your loss. You really have done nothing wrong, in fact, you've done the right thing. Be proud of yourself.

I'm soo sorry bless you..I had this twice last year hubby's mum died here at home cancer and the final hour I was convinced she was getting better she tried talking and gripped some hands, then those awful noises crackling, gurgling etc and she was gone. Unfortunately because she chose home the carers were still on there way but she didn't die alone there was 15 of us all around her as the carers had told us earlier in the day they didn't think she would live many more hours. And then a few months later September we lost my aunt in a hospice and same thing when she went gurgling etc. Its nothing bad it's how it goes for a lot. Nobody is suffering at the end, you did nothing wrong at all. Look after yourself,stay strong xx

From my understanding, Much research has been undertaken in near end life care. When people are very old, everything slows down. The brain receives a lot less oxygen and the person becomes very much less aware. Fear is not really present or anxiety at the very end because of this. Add in medication and it is highly unlikely your mother was suffering.
This is very pertinent to me as my mother is very close to this point so I have spoken and am speaking at length to the professionals.

I had an experience after my first child when I lost a lot of blood. My brain was therefore getting a lot less oxygen. I was super chill. I was going out of consciousness and I felt no fear of dying at all. No pain. Just woozing off. This makes me think they are right.
I am sure your mother was at peace.

What would you have done differently?

Horrible situation to be in.

I'm sorry xx

You didn't let your Mum down, you were with her and that was all you could do. My Dad died two weeks ago and I did some research about the end of life while I sat with him, and everything I read said to not be alarmed about any noises made at the end, that the person wasn't aware of anything or in pain. As horrible as your experience sounds you didn't do anything wrong, and I'm sure your Mum knew you were there, and that is what matters.

You didn't let your Mum down, please don't tear yourself apart thinking that.

Your Mum would have known that you were right there with her, and she knew how much you loved her.
It's dreadful when you lose your Mum, @theworldcanbeshit,but you did all the right for her.

Ah god love you, you did nothing wrong, you were there, with her, that is all that needed to be. What more could you have done, she was not alone. Don't do this to yourself.

The only part that could be seen as letting her down is the fact that you're beating yourself up now and blaming yourself! You were there with her til the end, that friendly soft voice she needed until she wouldn't have been aware. My Dad left us not so long ago, was increasingly given more meds to make him more comfortable and less aware, and ended with a fit and what seemed like choking and frothing at the mouth......all just sadly part of him making his exit. We were with him holding his hand and speaking softly, and we will be forever grateful we got to be with him rather than him being alone. Please know that you have done everything you could.

Your Mum knew you were there. You did everything you could. You didn't let her down. Dr Katherine Mannix TED talk: (14 min version)

Dr Katherine Mannix on BBC: (3 Min version) www.bbc.co.uk/ideas/videos/dying-is-not-as-bad-as-you-think/p062m0xt

Hi OP.

I lost my mum in a v similar way two years ago.

She was on a syringe driver and I knew the end was coming, but I had assumed it would be peaceful.

She started choking and she looked terrified. It was like she had something stuck in her airway. I ran to get a nurse, but the choking continued and she died (from what looked like lack of air). She died looking terrified.

She was aware. I know this because as she was choking I asked her two questions and she nodded and shook her head appropriately in response. The nurses tried to tell me she wasn't aware to comfort me I guess, but she was and people who said she wasn't just annoyed me because I thought "how do you know? I asked her questions and she responded appropriately so she was aware".. However, one of the palliative care nurses explained that although she was perhaps aware, she wasn't in pain due to the morphine etc... and her awareness wasn't the same as you or me. Because of the high level of drugs she was on, it was more as if she'd had 50 gins. So yes, she could answer my questions and knew she couldnt breathe, but was still very out of it. Like being on a night out, off your head, but multiplied 5 times. This bought me some comfort.

What also helped was knowing this way of dying is normal. Some of the nurses said they'd seen people die like this a lot. It's normal and there's nothing you could do. I always thought death would be peaceful. We need to talk about it more in society and acknowledge and let it be known death can look frightening etc.. so we are more prepared.

I had the image of my mum dying and looking terrified, stuck on my head for a long time. I still think about it every day but the image no longer has the potency it did and I'm able to move on.

It's actually helped me to read your post today, knowing I'm not alone.

I also found the Mumsnet bereavement board helpful and I read a lot of articles on line about people who died briefly during surgery or whatever, and came back to life and were able to recall their experiences, and that was helpful as all the stories were peaceful and positive.

Look after yourself. You have done nothing wrong. Like me, you were there with your mum. That's wonderful and she'll have felt comfort in you being there.

💐💐

You have been a loving daughter. Please be kind to yourself. I am so sorry for your loss xx

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. If your mum was aware, even if she was scared, she would have known she wasn't alone, you were there with her. I hope in time you can make peace with the way she died, I'm sure she would want that for you.

You did everything right. Please talk to someone to help you find peace in this. You sought the help that was available and she knew how much you love her. You are a good daughter.

OP maybe it would help if you say what else you think you should/could gave done. Then nurses/doctors etc can talk you through the experience and help you come to some peace.

Try not to be so hard on your self you didn't let her down at all.

Grieving has many stages and Guilt over many things is one of them.

Please look after yourself and If you need to , contact services like cruse that people have previously mentioned.

You did nothing wrong.

Death isn’t like it is on the movies. It can be violent and traumatic. Sometimes people don’t want to leave. You stood by your mother. There was nothing the hospice nurse could have done had she been in the room.

It sounds like your mother possibly had a pulmonary embolism - which is why she couldn’t breathe. There isn’t anything a hospice nurse could do about that.

The only thing that can be done for end of life is to give the person a sedative that can potentially hasten death and make it less traumatic for the family members.

I’ve been where you are now. But we cared for my mother at home with nurses and care workers visiting the house.

Nothing prepares you for what will happen.

You were at your mothers side when she left the world - just as she was with you when you were born.

I know this is painful and there aren’t words enough to take away your pain but I need to tell you that you being there and reassuring her at the end meant she wasn’t alone and you would have been a great comfort for her.

Op I'm sure they must do debriefs with nurses or Dr's, can you request one? You can ask about the noise and how they know she was unconscious. There is probably research into what the drugs do to brain activity and what they do to conscious people, they won't just guess that the drugs work - its science!